Secret Santa, New Weigh In & Family Time

So we did Secret Santa at work........and mine was of course my lap-band Buddy.  She wrapped those gifts so beautifully and the big surprise gift on Friday was:

TAAAA DAAAAAAA!!!

I don't think I've ever been so excited to get a scale for weighing myself.  Its soooo nice.  I really needed one and I weighed myself and I'm down 4lbs in the past 2 weeks.  So in total since the beginning of November, I've lost 19 pounds.  I'm so proud of myself.  I really didn't think I'd lose weight in the past two weeks since I've been able to eat normally again.  I go in for my first fill (aka tightening of the band) on the 29th, so I know for sure I'll lose more weight since I have to do the liquid thing for a couple days.  This is just crazy to me...to have lost that amount of weight in this amount of time.  I am just so thankful for my co-worker aka Secret Santa aka Lap Band Buddy.  She has no idea what this really means to me.

Outside of that, I went Christmas shopping today.  It was really hectic, crazy and all that wonderful stuff that Christmas is.  We got some clothes, toys and things for the kids.  They will be very excited.  I'll be doing some wrapping tonight.  We'll do some last minute shopping on Wednesday but I think we're good.

So other than that.........I'm happy!

Today's My Birthday...

and I had my moment of self-pity. I'm so happy I have my BBC girls there to help remind me of where I'm at and what blessings I have.

At times, I wish I had IRL friends that were there for me more often. And I admit, at times I might not be the best friend IRL as well. I just wish I had someone near me, I think thats the biggest problem. All my IRL friends live far from me and its hard keeping in touch because we're not around each other but once every 3 months or so. Plus we're all grown and living our own lives. But sometimes and mainly on my birthday, I just want that big ol' surprise or big "to do" about my day. It just doesn't happen. I guess thats just part of being an adult or is it? Thats what I wonder. So I cried.........like a big ass baby.

I see photos of one of my IRL friend's other friends and their big ol' birthday parties, and wish that I could be the receiver of one of those one time. But I have to think back, last year was the crappiest birthdays EVER! Yeah, I had people say Happy Birthday.......but that was it, no card...no cake, no dinner. David and I were going through things and he wasn't even there.

So this year, I have my man.....I have all my children and we are doing great. I just still feel like I'm missing something today. The big deal of it being my day. I have to admit, I'm an attention seeking person. Haha. Then there's the other thing.......NO CAKE because I have the lap band. That sucks booty.

So after crying.......I do feel better. I just hope to see some friends this weekend to get out and about. As one of my BBC friends said, I need a break from the routine.......hopefully it happens this weekend.

Official Weigh In

So I had my moment where I thought getting the lap band was a mistake. Especially doing the liquid phase and watching my family eat real food. But I survived and I did get to eat something for Thanksgiving and going forward. I've been doing very well, feeling back to normal actually and still trying to learn my way around with this lap band. Luckily, no throwing up episodes but a few moments where I felt my food move slowly and I guess get stuck....but I managed to keep it down.

So I went for my follow up appointment today and I am down 10lbs since my surgery date. I had lost 5lbs with my 2 week pre-op diet, so in total in the past 4 weeks I've lost 15lbs. I'm so proud of myself. Mainly, its me cutting those sodas and breads out. I admit, my weakness has been bread, rolls, pastas, etc. I love them.......their so delicious! But its exciting to be back down to the weight I was right after having Brayden. And even more amazing to lose that weight in a months time. I guess I never realized I was eating the wrong stuff to keep that weight on.

I go back for my first fill on December 29th, luckily after the holidays so I can eat some things. And hope to lose more within the next month. It would be nice! So I'll see how things go...

Whoop whoop!

Not sure if I'm hungry or not...

Its crazy, I've been on clear liquids for the past 4 days. I think my stomach is saying feed me, Seymore! Okay, not really but I feel the grumbling. I keep saying I'm hungry to whoever's in the room when I see food on tv or get a lil' smell but really, I'm not hungry. I wonder if its a habit?

The liquids are filling me up for the most part, I'm so tired today. I do get this weird sensation when I go from laying down to sitting up. Like air moves up, not sure if thats the gas from the surgery or what. It almost feels like a painful burp, w/ out the burp.

So come Tuesday of next week, I can start drinking protein shakes and regular liquids. I want them now, I'm so tired of chicken/beef broth...apple juice...water, blah!

So the Weightloss Journey Begins

I just got home from the hospital, I had to stay overnight due to insurance purposes. I'm actually doing pretty good. Not as bad as I originally thought it would be, painwise. Probably due to the pain meds I've been taking. LOL.

So here's my first photo, I started at 243lbs and when I weighed myself yesterday...I was 238.5lbs, most likely due to my 2-week pre-op diet (I was on the Atkins).


So far so good, I may take some pics of my scars from the surgery. Their healing up nicely, already have scabs on them. I've had some pain due to getting used to the band being in there and the gas they used to inflate my stomach for the surgery. I was even lucky enough to share a room with my co-worker. LOL. She had it done the same day as well. At this point, I'm on a 2 week liquid diet. Yes, into next week during Thanksgiving but I may be able to puree stuff so that will be interesting since I'm so picky about my food not touching each other. Haha.

Just thought I'd update everyone!

A lot going on...

So, I never made the official announcement that David and I are back together. So there you go! LOL. After 3 weeks of being separated and lots of talking, I said he could come back. And yes, he begged and cried. For real! No exaggeration plus thats just not me to do so. He was allowed to come back with stipulations and so far he's done all of them. However we still have our moments like any relationship where we don't get along but its definitely a different vibe this go. And all I can do is pray that God assists us through all the trying times. He knows what he's doing with us.

Outside of that, I've taken over doing a new set of claims. So for the past month its been pretty hard working through it and getting things in order. But its also been a challenge. And well, I love challenges. So I am actually happy I took it on and happy to say that I accomplished it.

Next, I'm not sure if I even mentioned it on here but I'm getting the lap band surgery on November 17th! Thats this Tuesday! And yes, David is being supportive of that. He was a little worried I'd get all skinny and sexy on him....and just leave him. I was like what? Men and their insecurities. But now he's on board. We've been doing the Atkin's diet together the past 2 weeks. Me more stricter since its my pre-op diet, however I've had my set backs. Not sure how people do diets. I openly admit, I don't do diets! At all, I can't be restricted and its just a waste for like 2 weeks.

I plan on taking some pics today so that I can start logging it on here. Its so unreal that surgery has come so fast. I'm scared and nervous. Fact is, I've never had any type of surgery! Not c-section, NOTHING. So the thought of someone fiddling with my insides worries me. But I did have to get an endoscopy and colonscopy for my gastro clearance and don't remember it...so it can't be too bad? Well I know this time I'll wake up with more pain but still. :)

So thats my quick update....

Get the Hint...

Uggh, I just wish some females would get the hint and leave things alone. So, since David are now back together...we've been doing well. I've been keeping things to myself and making sure we work on things for our relationship. But then you have some people who are so unhappy in their own life that they feel its necessary to disrupt other's lives.

Yet another female from David's past is trying to pry her way into our life. I don't get it, if a man or a person in general tells you that he's going back to the person he's been with and to NOT contact him. What does that mean? I don't understand how someone could get that confused. Then you hit them up on FB to add them as a friend, you think he's not going to tell you AGAIN to leave him alone.

But then, I'm the one that gets blamed for it. No, don't get me confused...I'm not that immature to go under my man's page to send another female a message. Not my style. Plus I've talked to this heffa before, so why be scared to now. She had the nerve to tell me that she knows David so well that he wouldn't do that. Bitch? You know him so well? Really? I've lived and been with this man for 3 years..........what the hell do you know about him? Nada! If you knew him so well, wouldn't you get it that he has USED you for nothing but ass and money in the past. That he really don't even like you like that but to use you because he knows you get so caught up in "trying" to be with him.

Its sad and pathetic, I hate seeing females look stupid behind dudes. But damn, get the hint already. Believe, he don't want your ass.........remember you came stalking him and still seem to, to this day!

A "Not Good" Moment...

I'm embarrassed to say that matters of the heart got the best of me. I knew if I talked to him that I would do what happened the last time. It was like something came over me, here we were explaining each other's side. And almost like I was begging for him back. What is wrong w/ me?

It started with the anger bubbling inside me. We haven't talked, which is really what I want. But it hurts so much to know he's out there hitting up other females, like thats his priority while I'm here, doing the job as the responsible one. So I left that status because it just pisses me off. And well, I suggested he wasn't a man. LOL. He didn't like that, and commented back with "oh, I'm not a man because I'm not with you." And that so began the worst mistake I've made yet. Or was it actually a good thing...he went on to get onto me about talking to other dudes, and how I appear to not care and have moved on. I guess that goes so show how much he really knows me. Yes, I've been talking to one of my male friends (whom I cut off since we've been together out of respect to our relationship). He's been there for me and not to talk about sex. Talking to him helped me really understand what happened to us. But even if it is the intimacy issues, point of it all......its still on him, because I tried to fix it.

Then because of that instant message chat, I call him. WHYYYYYYYYY did I do that? I have no clue. LOL. I turned into a big ol' crying mess. I'm so angry with him. I'm doing better though this go. It just hurts so bad. But he wants no beef, he wants us to be good. Really? I don't get people like that, I can't be good with someone who caused me this pain. I want to cut all ties but we have a child together. I don't know what to do, but I have to cut them. No contact, no nothing. The end result, he had to see where my head was at. Its sick, he had to make sure he was still in it and I let him get that. I'm a crying fool and I realized in it.......he wanted that. And just as I say thats what he wanted, I hope he was happy now...hope it made his sick ass mind feel better to know I'm tore up over here while he's over there talking to other females and having a wonderful time. He hangs up. No call back. He hung up on me.

And to top it.....he basically said we were boring people (hint hint: I'm boring). And basically that I expected the lap band surgery to change everything in my life. What? Is he freaking serious, I have no idea where thats coming from. I've never said that. I'm doing this because I have to get healthy. What does that mean?

What was it in me that wanted him back? There was my reminder of why I prayed to God to let him go. My reminder of why we are not meant to be together. Regardless, I think in a way it was beneficial. It was my reminder and it was my way of releasing all that built up emotions I've been holding in...and that anger I was feeling.

Now to cut ties...

Profession of Love

No doubt, I have love in my heart for him still. But now its also filled with painful emotions. The thought of him being with other women, drives me up the wall. It only confirms the end of our relationship even more in my heart. Why does it bother me so? Because I love him, I love him so deeply that its attached to every vessel pumping through my heart. I never wanted to let go of him or the thing that held us together. He was my best friend. We started as friends, we had this bond and connection that was unexplainable. Something I had never felt with someone else. He turned me on with his words and with his listening. He turned me on with his openness. The man that I loved was everything I wanted. He was outgoing with a this fantastic personality, he was willing to learn and be open minded. It was an amazing feeling to feel like I found the person that complimented me. The best part, he felt the same way. It was wow....the best relationship I've ever had.

Then something broke, not sure where. Lack of communication, lack of making sure the spark stayed alive on both sides. It fell down...trust was broken, and no improvements were made.

Its so hard to hold on to something that at times feels isn't worth the effort. Especially when the other person shows its not worth their effort. I was once asked by him, if I thought he was a different person. My answer, yes. Hmmff...but in a good way. He changed into a better man. A great father and was on his way to being a loving husband. Or so I thought. We all have our faults and we're all a work in progress. I seen him changing into a man, not a boy running the streets trying to holla at any girl. A man taking care of his responsibilities and making a life of his own. But maybe he seen differently, I seen the good in him. Its still there and I can't be that angry due to this pain at him.

Its like that song "Fistful of Tears" by Maxwell:

Feel just like a weight has lifted it
How can I repay you help me understand
Currency a fistful of tears I can afford
Fight of your life is not the cost
Time will reveal
All along you’re the one who’s losing

Cause I go insane
Crazy sometimes
Tryin you to keep you from losing your mind
Open your eyes
See what’s in front of your face
Save me my fistful of tears

Just fitting of this moment, at one point I want us back but what I want is the person I knew when we met. The person who did love me unconditionally, the person who would state his undying affections for me, the person who fought for us to work. The realization, he's not that person no more. And it sucks. I pray to God to take this aching pain to go away. I just want it to go away.....

**cries**

Strong Woman!

Yes, I'm a grown ass woman! Yesterday I was told I'm a strong women because on the day that the person, who I allowed to be so much involved in my life was now gone. And I wasn't broken apart by it and that know one could even tell. Well believe, I was broken up but as a strong woman, its built in me to keep on moving. I've been through this before and God made me strong enough to handle it once again. I know one thing when it comes to love, you have to give your all and in result sacrifice by becoming vulnerable....and take that chance of getting hurt. I gave my all again but God will see me through as he always does.

So yes, I'm a strong woman. I know what I will and will not stand for. I support my family and I love with all of me. I am a great friend and a great woman to whomever I am with. I admit my faults and where I need improvement, however I have my standards and I know that whoever comes into my life should be on that same level as well.

Its time to be a grown up and some people miss that "note" in life. But as a woman, I've come to learn I can only control my feelings and how I feel. I can't make someone love me or someone want to be here with me. The end result.......its a relief. And although I shed some tears, its a huge weight off my heart.

I see a lot of great and wonderful things happening in my life. Its amazing, this new fresh breathe of air. So amazing.

I've let go...

So David and I have broke up (yet again). We were having issues for the past month or so, I would say it was me but truth is, I know it wasn't. Fact is, its all David. Here I had a man that truly has no clue what he wants in life. But I know what I want and I know I haven't changed since the day we met. I'm still the same woman, I laid it all out there when we first met about what I expected in a man. He felt he could step up to that plate. I did my best to encourage his personal growth, as well as show my appreciation and gratitude for the things he's done.

The realization hit me though, after all that we've been through that the problem deep down was not me. It was him. It all fell back on what he wanted. I knew I wanted him, I knew I wanted to live my life with him. But he was the one confused. How many times was it said we were going to work through it but the truth is, how can change happen to make things better if only one person is working towards that goal. Its almost like that song from Dru Hill...We're Not Making Love No More. It exactly describes our situation. I know I will have love for him but even I recognized my feelings for him have changed. I was trying to make it work to see if things would go back to how it felt at that time. However, he wasn't on that same page. He'd say it but his actions were the exact opposite. And somehow, I think I knew it was on me and how much I loved myself to decide to cut ties.

So I took it upon myself after many things he's done to basically separate himself from me and these children, to let him go. I admit, I'm hurt. But two weeks ago when we had that same discussion...I had my break down then. I prayed to God so hard to get me through this, please tell me what to do. I could not take the pressure, the stress and physical angst it was causing me. To be with someone who wasn't there emotionally, it was a bad thing. The negative vibe in the house.

And to be honest, its different this time around. God must be walking me through this because I approached him and told him in complete calmness it was over. When he packed up, I was calm in it all. I couldn't sleep worth nothing because I knew at that moment, my life was changing. After living with someone for so long, you get used to having that person there for everything. Now I wouldn't have him there. I knew it would change so many things in my current life. But the biggest change, was relief. I felt like a weight was lifted off my heart, mind and soul. And I'm actually okay. I think I went through my grieving process about what we had and I'm actually fine with this.

Life moves on. And I'm fine with that. God has blessed me with so much already and he's walking me through these moments today. I'm okay.

So it ain't just me...

The sad truth, I've been seeing a lot of people struggle. I hate watching it. I'm amongst them as well. And I realized, my family is now in the middle class gap. That gap, where you don't make enough to pay all the bills and still have money left over for food.....and where, you make too much to get any assistance for food. Ain't it lovely?

The worst part, I know ours is just a temporary thing. Where are programs for people like us? Seriously, for true emergency temporary situations. I'm not trying to live off foodstamps for the next 6 months but damn! Can we get a break.

I'm watching people that I've come close to on the net, talk about how their $400.00 overdrawn on accounts, how their about to lose their jobs or are already laid off and now waiting for unemployment to kick in. Or ones who have paid all the bills, but the kitchen cabinets are bare...and their not sure where their gonna get gas money for the next two weeks. Its like what is going on?

I know personally with us, we have the bills covered........but are deciding how to spend the 80 bucks we have. Does it go on food or gas? I guess gas, so we can get to work. But then theres the fact that the kids need lunches for the next two weeks....how will we work that out? And the reason for this situation, well....I'm working OT and David's unemployment ran out.

So what do you do to survive......then you call local food pantries for your specific zip code. In mine, they have limited places and the ones that I did get info on go by appointment only. Appointment only for food? The lady said next available is Sept 24th. What? Yes, I can read the future and know that come that time, we'll need help. OMG! What is the point of those services? Is it for the people that regularly rely on it or what? Well if people are, then maybe they should apply for foodstamps instead of going there. Just irritating.

I really do wonder....what are people supposed to do in those moments.

Trippin' or not?

So David took lil' man back to N.O. yesterday...and even picked up his mom for the visit to New Orleans, which pisses me off a bit. Considering that came out of no where about her going along and them staying down there til Sunday. I mean seriously, we don't have the money for a fun-filled weekend down there. Initially it was supposed to be him going, maybe staying the night to rest and come straight back. Then that got thrown at me, which makes me believe it was a planned thing between them for a minute.

Plus prior to this, my 17 year old nephew was supposed to ride with him for this drop off. And he mentioned last Wednesday or something about not taking him so he could go to the club with his cousin. Excuse me? WTF? Oh but he couldn't go out down here with his best friend but he can down there. Then I suggested well if he was taking his mama, then why not wait til today to go and I'll ride with him. His excuse, well I wanted to leave on Friday so I could miss traffic. Really? I just want to beat the shit out of him.

And now.......it just has me thinking about things. Like is he up to no good. Because why change up the plans, why suddenly want to hang out with everyone? And why the fuck you want to go by yourself and I'm here in Austin by myself for the weekend? So am I trippin'? Mind you, he's called me twice since being gone...(I didn't answer the phone the first times) but he called to tell me he made it and acted like he didn't want to deal with me. And then today...called to see what I was doing but acted yet again like he could careless. So why call me?

It don't help that all his exe's live down there and the one he in some sort of way left me for back in November...is in that region as well. And things between us been kind of off like the last time too. Maybe I'm just being over suspicious but shit truth be told........I don't trust him especially after what we went through and after finding out the REAL reasons behind it.

And at this point, sometimes I wonder if its best I just be alone. I love him and care about him but sometimes I wonder if its even worth all this.

I'm an 80's babbbayyy!

So last week the man that hooked us up with all those wonderful 80's classics passed away....believe, I loved Uncle Buck.........remember his big ol' tuna boat sounding like a gun popped off and then followed that stream of white smoke. That shit was hilarious. Look, I even found the pick of that tuna boat....amazing how you can find things like that on Google.

Then recently, I found this cool ass blog. Okay, its mainly structure around this woman giving career advice but she always tells it like it is. I love honest speaking people. Let me find the link, here ya go. Thats a good blog, regardless if your looking for career guidance or info or just interested in the blogger. I'm feeling the stuff she says, but back to the subject so I was reading the characteristics between Generation Y and Generation X..........and even the beginnings of Generation Z (the ones some of, including me are raising). Just some interesting tidbits about how we all will work together. Yes, I read some crazy shit...the stuff that catches my eyes. Not even sure why it caught my attention. I did learn though, I will definitely never ever ever in my life live in New York! Good lord, they pay alot to live there.

Ohh...and then tonight, decided to do some music searching MySpace, its been a minute since I've listened to albums. In the midst of it, I realized my retarded butt is listening to ol' school Joe, like its first album. Here I was thinking it was new shit, no...new to my ears. Sad. LOL. I didn't even know he came out in 1993, but glad I got to listen to it...I would have liked it. It definitely had that New Jack Swing flavor. And if you can tell my songs in my playlist, I love 80's and 90's R&B. Just an ol' school lady. Ohhh but I did find a re-do of Just Me & You by Bobby V....now thats my jam, don't it make you think of Boyz N The Hood? Or one of them hood movies...haha. Ohh...the memories. Plus I love me some Bobby V.

And then to top things off, so Aries birthday is coming up and we decided we're gonna do a skate party. Is that okay for a boy? Well he's cool with it. I am, its been years since I rollerskated but shit, I still got my skates up in the closet from when I was 14 years old (YES, I still got them!). I'm even willing to take the kiddos to the only open roller skating rink here in Austin called PlayLand. Never been there but from what I read, tell me why they don't have a snack bar? WTH? Vending machines, now thats just wack! Hopefully this weekend, but we will be stopping by to check it out.

Oh, I'm not greiving?

So its been a month since my Grandmother passed away. I get a call from my sister today, she is just tore up and still greiving due to her death. Or..........she's a major drama queen! Any heartache or turmoil, she turns it into 20x more dramatic shit than anyone I know. Then has the nerve to tell me, well I wasn't close to my grandma...thats why I am not upset.

Really? So glad you know what I feel in my heart. I loved my Grandma just as much, this is the first person in my life that has passed away. She touched me in so many ways, she raised me as well. She made an impact on the type of woman I am today. If anything, like all my family say...I'm like my mother and her combined. We're strong women, I'm sorry I'm not balling my eyes out at the drop of the dime. I'm dealing with it in a different way.

It just hurts me so much to have someone act that way towards me, like I'm not going through the pain of her no longer being there. How dare she say that shit to me. As if I feel nothing about her death because we were not close..........no, we had a different relationship. She didn't have to baby me, the way she had to with my sister.

Just pissed......

Ugggh... ***ROLLS EYES***

Not sure if I'm supposed to be on my period considering I don't get one EVER due to this IUD. Maybe its not a good thing. Good for the sex part, no worries. But definitely not good for my moods. Maybe I'm in mid-cycle and hormones are hitting hard. However, I'd still feel like this tomorrow and even next week.

When the hell did we have to be so censored on BBC? Oh, its always been that way. I forgot. I guess because I got on my birth club for January 2009 and actually bonded with some ladies, who even got me. I joked a lot, still do. But the fact is...........hormones are gone, so what is up with all these women getting their panties all twisted? Why do we have to walk on eggshells and be sure to triple check what we say out of fear that even though we're airing our opinion, its still going to hurt some person I've never met...or even talked to on these boards..........FEELINGS? Huh?

I think its ridiculous. And as someone else said...grow some thicker skin. Seriously. You ain't my mama, so why do you feel I have to watch out for your future feelings because today you might be okay with it...and tomorrow your on your monthly and got feelings hurt over the same damn statement.

Fact is........we are all different, we all have different opinions and we shouldn't have to fear stating our opinions. Its different if I just came at you and called you out of your name or used a personal situation against you....to embarass you or belittle you. But because I don't agree with you...I'm wrong and insensitive. WTF?

I swear.......this is the reason I've stayed away from BBC. Blah!!!

The Jobby Job

So I managed to work almost 20 hrs of OT this week. I've never done that in my life. However, I am caught up on all my work. Crazy, eh? Which should tell you there...we got that much work all the time...that even 60 hours a week wouldn't keep you caught up. LOL. But I did get a wonderful email on Tuesday morning from a son aka Power of Attorney for one of the insureds, it said GREAT SERVICE! He was so surprised that he faxed in the bill on the 13th of this month and got his check in hand by the 20th. I love being praised for good work! And it made my day, so in the end, it was worth it. Plus I got some phone comments from two other people...about how impressed they were with me, how helpful I am. So it lets me know I'm doing a good job. Mind you, I still hate being on the phone. However I do have to talk to the insureds or their family. But at times, I just want to tell them.....read their dang POLICY!

Seriously people...I've worked for medical insurance companies and processed claims for PPO plans, HMO plans...even Medicaid and Medicare. And in the midst of it, taken calls from providers and members/insureds. Its seriously not the insurance company trying to deny and not pay. If your policy states something, we have to process it that way. Believe, I don't enjoy denying peoples claims on purpose.

But also...there are seriously a lot of people out there right now trying to get over and fraud the insurance company as well. Like some of the policies I work right now for long term care...they pay a personal caregiver....thats someone who is NOT a licensed nurse and usually a family friend or family member. And these people be lying to get that money. I mean seriously, its rediculous...and they get mad because they have to provide proof of payment for us to reimburse them. Its crazy the stories and things we hear from people.

My advice for people, seriously just sit down and read over your benefits and coverage. Thats with any insurance policy. Know what you have.

I WANT to move NOW! But I'm not...

So I've been checking out houses on Craigslist in my area for awhile. Kind of like window shopping. I knew dang well we really can't afford to. Not with having to take DJ back home, then getting the kids school clothes & supplies and going to Sea World. But I still wanted it. I hate being in our 2 bedroom. Its just so cramped and small to me. Its suffocating to me. I hate feeling like that and its getting worse to me as time goes on.

Then, I seen on Craigslist...an ad for a 3 bedroom home, its out in the country but thats cool because its near my mom's new house. Plus it has a nice lil' yard and barbeque area that is covered. Its really cute. I spoke to the property management, even set up a time to go out and see it yesterday (because thats how anxious I am to move). So the lady that I spoke to, she kind of seemed off anyways when I asked about meeting up. But we scheduled it for 6:30pm. I go out there, its a bit far. We got there early, even got out to check out the yard and things. What do you know, 6:30 comes and goes...I call her at 6:40 and she's like nonchalant like she had nothing going on. I said, we were supposed to meet up. She goes, at 6:30. Yes...oh, on Katy Lane. I said, no on Heather Cove. Oh, we're gonna have to reschedule. BITCH? What do you think, you its 6:45 now. Really? I wanted to cuss her ass out so bad. I told David then, thats a sign....we shouldn't be doing this. We have a lease that is not over with until March I think of next year.

Since then, its been irking my nerves. I just want to be out of those apartments and I think I'm trying to find reasons to leave. Then it don't help that I have my mother in my ear telling me to do it. Hello! Its my credit, I don't need that on there. But to her, I guess it don't matter. Its not like she's ever taught us how to handle money properly or handle our credit with care.

Then this morning, its still on my mind.......I get a Tweet from Rev Run (of Run DMC) and it was like God is speaking to me through him. This is the tweet:

Good morn! Be happy 2day! Neva let circumstances control ur joy! Circumstances, Smircumstances! Be happy!! Ppl suffer because of desire.

Now if that ain't the truth and just what I needed to read/hear. Thats God talking, reinforcing the sign of that woman not showing up and telling me to hold off. Fulfill my obligation to my lease. He has a reason for all and I just to follow his lead. Because truly...I have been causing myself to suffer due to my desire. And the latest tweet from Rev Run:

Choose ur happy path! Its ur sacred privelege! Let NO 1 take it from u! Choose! A Plan is...a scheme, program or method, set up by u & 4 u!

Amen! to that. So now its time to handle other things and other debts prior to us making that move. I really need to put things in God's hands, he will definitely give us the home we are looking for and need with due time.

I feel better now...and relief. Crazy ain't it.

The REMINDER of where I'm at...

So last night, we went to my parents house to visit and eat. As well as have David cut my step-dad's hair. We also happened to get a visit from his bestfriend in Houston...and his wife. They came up here because her parents live here as well. And there was the reminder of what level of life we're on....and where their at. And the feeling of envy, which sucks! I hate feeling that way and its not their fault. I just hate feeling like I'm missing out and it don't help that David has been feeling down in the dumps about himself lately.

He can say he's fine but I see it.....he hates not being able to get clothes for himself so he can look nice when he wants. He hasn't cut his hair nor shaved in I couldn't tell you. He looks like a homeless man at this point. Yesterday, I told him he should meet up with his best friend since they were going downtown. Its not like he gets out and hangs w/ friends or even guy friends here. So why not? His reason, I have nothing to wear. It just makes me feel so bad. Like all the hardwork, all the things we're doing is for nothing at times. I understand, I'd love to be able to get my toes done and buy new clothes for me whenever. Or even the kids. It just sucks. I hate living like this as well. Not having the extra to throw around. Hell I don't even know how others do it and I know the reason his friend and his wife can is because they have no children. Its just them two.

I just wish he'd get out of this depressive thing he's in. I'm trying to stay out of it myself but damn. And I think its worse for him because he see's his brother and his wife and kids...and his other friends dressing nicely, going places or eating out often. But then I have to remind him, we really don't know how their living to have those things. Hell, I have to remind myself of that.

All I can hope for is it will get better. I know truth is...we can't complain. We're doing better this year than we did last year. I can only be grateful what God has given me. I think I need those reminders. We have been blessed, I just wonder how I can show him what blessings he has as well.

Grandma Evelyn is Gone

June 27, 1934 - July 4, 2009

So my Grandma passed away on July 4th. I got the call from my mom about 12:30am, my Grandparents live near Reno, NV so she passed around 10:30pm. She's been suffering for years from COPD and Empysema. But from what one of my friends (who is a nurse) said was that COPD is a very painful disease to go through. However, my Grandma was a very stubborn old woman. She smoked forever...and tried to quit with this thing but would go back to smoking again. I mean she was on oxygen, with tubes in her nose smoking. Knowing dang well she'd blow up a house possibly. LOL.

I'm not sure how I feel at this point, I spoke to her last week. It was hard getting up the nerve to call her. Knowing she was at home on hospice, knowing that they had her on Morphin for pain. And knowing those were her last days. I did call and tell her I love her, she knew. I feel in my heart she knew and does know even now. So when I got the call, it wasn't like I was broke up over it. I guess everyone thought I'd break down and be bawling my eyes out. Maybe I thought I would as well. I kind of feel numb and its not being done on purpose. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay. I am. Maybe it will hit me later, I don't know.

But its like I knew it was coming, so I prepared myself for this already. So maybe it doesn't hurt as bad.

Love you Grandma.

Utter Chaos

Thats how my life feels lately. I know I'm not a dirty person, I like order...yet my house is always in complete chaos due to the mess. And I think that when I come home, it should be the calming place after a long day at work. Yet, every single day I come home to a freaking mess. It irritates the hell out of me. And for some reason, I just feel like its not my job to clean up other peoples messes. Considering there's a grown adult here all day long w/ these kids. He don't even make them pick up. Then he wonders why I come home and suddenly have the urge to bitch at him. Its rediculous to live this way. He's disgusting, how do you just leave shit on the floor...walk right over it like its not even there and not care? I need order....and now I'm realizing, I guess its all on me. I will have to lead by example because obviously the man here can't. It just sucks, I feel like I handle everything. I have to put order into everything. Like our pantry....I organized it, but he just pulls things out..leaves it on the counter or when he does put it up, its in the wrong spot. Same w/ our dishes in the cabinets. It makes me want to pull my hair out! Here's the thing, I am working 6 days a week...just to make sure the bills are covered. About 53 hours a week, so we're not struggling. I come home, I'm tired and yes...that means I don't feel like cleaning up after ya'll or coming home to a house that is a wreck. And the one day off, I admit...I don't want to do shit either.

I know my home is a representation of my life, and I know it shouldn't be like this. So how do I regain control? I guess it is on me, even with him in this house. Why is it all on me? I hate this, why can't he just see. Why do we have to live like this. I know our home is too small for it to get this dirty. I'm just ready to go crazy. So............................now I'm on a mission.

I need structure and I guess I have to be the BOSSMAN of our household since he's really not trying to take that role. Time to set up a cleaning routine, and time for me to stay on all those in this house to make sure its done. I hate having to play the Bitch and give out orders all the time. But I have no choice.

Uggh...MEN!

Young & Old Mama's

So these thoughts have been brewing on my mind since I read a journal on BBC last week or a couple of days ago. One of them, lol. Mainly because I posted my 2cents regarding the subject of being a young mother and maturity. And of course the original poster missed my point. I'm sorry, I'm not one that jumps on peoples bandwagons. I try to give another perspective so you have better understanding and well........that shit just plain annoys me, why be on the defense? Considering I never said it was aimed at you, if the shoe don't fit then don't try to be on the defense to me. What makes you think you have to explain to me? A stranger of all things? Especially if your completely fine and confident in your decision of marrying young and baring children young.

So here's my thoughts...I am a young mom. I had my first son at the age of 19, so I know how hard it is dealing with people looking at you crazy when you have a lil' one with you and they find out its your baby. Or having people ask you questions on what happened? I don't regret my son at all because I wouldn't be who I am today if he wasn't here. I love him with all my heart. But I do know 10 years later, I wish I would have waited....and that would be no matter if I was married to someone or single.

My thoughts though...it frustrates me so much to watch all these other young ladies condoning teens or young women in that same age group to have children. I don't get it, why do these people want to grow up so fast? Its not that great, being an adult comes with a lot...on top of raising children. And the worst part, most of these people bringing babies into this world are dependent on their own family or the government. Their not truly raising that child on their own because their not financially stable. Now...I agree, no time is the right time...to decide to have a baby, because finances can easily come and go (if your not rich). But then you got all the same age group cosigning on this girl's blog....and thats all she wants to hear, is the good comments. Ones that agree with what she wants to hear so she can feel better about her decision. Please........that ain't helping you, thats just reinforcing that immature mentality of what someone told you about.

But I just think...damn, why be on the defense because an older mom is trying to give you another perspective. And the first thing they say, well I know plenty of 30-40 somethings that are way more immature than I am. Greatttt! Now do you want a gold star for that shit? Here's the breakdown, yes age don't mean maturity but then again....age should bring some kind of learning experiences while growing into yourself. I seen it growing up...and still see it today, the problem with young ladies is they think they got it ALLLL figured out. No baby...you ain't even touched a lil' bit of the world. And in fact, those women that are much older and still immature...those women are the ones that never learned from those life lessons, the ones that still act like these young kids because they think they got it all figured out as well. Thinking, pssshh, I'm grown...I don't need to hear shit from nobody, I been through this and that. Still on that lil' kid shit. Ha! Well then why are they the same ones fuckin' it up over and over again?

Now for the ones that are willing to learn from others thoughts, advice...thats where you differ. Ones that are not so quick to be defensive....and see the other side for a moment, to take a lil' from that and apply it to themselves. Those are the ones that are maturer. But if you keep on that mentality of well, I made this decision...I know what I want, I know I won't ever feel any different than from this moment (never say never). Well since you got it all figured out now, I can only imagine how well you'll have it figured out 10 years from now....just like those 30 and 40 something mom's your talking about today. Remember a lil' criticism don't hurt nobody, we all have room for improvement.

Now which one are you trying to be? Figure it out...

Sick...and dealing w/ kids

So yesterday I started feeling real crappy, I even managed to work through it. I came straight home and just laid it out. I haven't felt this bad in I couldn't tell you. Its rough when your head is pounding, throat is sore and swollen and bodyaches. I feel a lil' better but I want to lay down so bad. But the kids are here.......

I don't know how SAHM's (stay at home mom's) do it while being sick. Sheesh, all I want to do is lay down and sleep. But I have to be up, I really hope I don't get Snuk sick again. Maybe it was him and Nati that got me this way in the first place. Ugggh, please can David get home soon.

What I was Up To....

♥15 YEARS AGO (1994)♥
1) How old were you? 13.
2) Who were you dating? No one.
3) Where did you work? No work, in middle school.
4) Where did you live? Las Vegas, NV.
5) Where did you hang out? Home, on Nellis Airforce Base, Mall.
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? Nope.
7) Who were your best friends? Jennifer, Vanessa
8) How many tattoos did you have? 0
9) How many piercings did you have? 4, in my ears.
10) What kind of car did you drive? Didn't drive.
11) Had you been to a real party? A kids birthday party. Haha.
12) Had you had your heart broken? Nope.
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? Single.
14) Any Kids? Definitely not.

♥10 YEARS AGO (1999)♥
1) How old were you? 18.
2) Who were you dating? LaDerrian, Jason, & some other dudes. LOL.
3) Where did you work? J.C. Penney Catalog
4) Where did you live? Austin, TX.
5) Where did you hang out? Where ever.
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? Nope.
7) Who were your best friends? None really.
8) How many tattoos did you have? 0
9) How many piercings did you have? Just my ears (but had my nose prior)
10) Had your heart broken? Definitely.
11) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Mingling.
12)Any Kids? 0

♥TODAY (2009)♥
1) Age? 28.
2) Who are you dating? David.
3) Where do you work? Great American.
4) Where do you live? Austin, TX.
5) Who are your closest friends? David, Rebecca, Pinkie, Janie, Christina.
6) Do you talk to your old friends? some...on Myspace and Facebook.
7) How many piercings do you have? Just the ears, still.
8) How many tattoos? 1
9) What kind of car do you have? PT Cruiser & Buick Roadmaster.
10) Had your heart been broken? Somewhat...lol.
11) How many kids? 3, Aries, Natalya and Brayden.
12) Are you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Taken - engaged.

Ahhh! Its going to be a busy summer

So yesterday we drove up to Houston and back, we got David's son DJ aka David Jr. We left right after work and got back around 4am this morning. OMG......I am still tired. I was planning on going into work to get some OT but decided forget it! I was too tired and only doing a couple of hours wouldn't have been real OT, just physical hours since we had the holiday this past Monday. Oh well, I'll work on major OT come next week.


So now we have 4 kids in the house, YIKES! David will be off all summer since he works for the school district. In this tiny two bedroom, it as fine before...but I realized now, we need a bigger place. I can't wait til the lease is up..........next March to get into a bigger place, at least a 3 bedroom. We're making plans to go to Sea World later in the summer, thats going to be fun and some other things.

Definitely have to get things in order as well. Lots of clean up time this weekend. Ohhh and my babies are sick, well Nati had a virus last weekend w/ some cold in her eye. Then Snuk got it this past weekend, so we took him to the doctor on Thursday...good thing because he was getting fluid in his left ear and I could only imagine how he'd be screaming his head off even worse. So he's doing better today, other than MAJOR DIAPER EXPLOSIVES! Its like poop is everywhere, up his back....why don't it go further down, no it goes up his back and out. Ewww! Lol. Thats about it so far.........check out the pic of my sick baby. Awwwww. He looks so sweet there. That was his worst night. Can you see it in his lil' eyes. Oh and I got some video coming soon from Youtube of Snuk trying to crawl. He's up on all four legs like he's a pro. He's been doing that for 2 weeks now....now he's rocking and moving backwards. I give him another two weeks and he'll be officially crawling.

Can't believe I'm saying this...

but I actually love my job! Or maybe its the place. Or it could be what I'm doing. Or the people I'm working with. Heck all of it! LOL. I mean its a great company and I can actually say its better than FirstCare (which I loved so dearly, my friends know). So here's the run down, I work for a company processing long term care claims. That is the most interesting thing ever to me! Not the same ol' same ol' and I'm constantly busy, I never run out of issues or things to do. And my day just goes so fast.

I just love it! So I signed up for their Summer Bowling League, even got David to do it. LOL. I love bowling though, plus its some good exercise. David said he's horrible at it, but I say practice makes perfect. Except we need 2 more people for our team. Yikes! Hopefully someone else signs up w/ us cause I don't have any friends...that have men as well to join us. But its going to be fun. I even joined the Walk Spree that the company is doing....supposed to get this pedometer to count my steps all day long. And they have some cool prizes. I'd love to win big but doubt that will happen. Lol. Not that lucky.

Outside of that...just been real busy and doing lots of OT. I am proud to say I got all the claims I have to pay on done. However the new ones come in on the 1st of the month...3 days away but I'm making progress. :)

Yeah...thats my boring tidbit on my job. Haha.

Recouping & Old Drama

So we've been recouping from that trip, in the midst of that........my house looks like a tornado hit it. I mean damn, we've had our moments where our house looks throwed but this is different. A whole other level. And yes, my ass is on here typing about it rather than cleaning up. I will, promise after this. I just gotta get motivated. Haha. You'd think the mess alone would be the motivation, ummm...no. Its like I gotta pep talk myself into doing it. Why? I hate that. Plus I've been working a lot, I got the okay to do overtime at work and believe.......been taking advantage of doing it. So I've been catching on some sleep as well.

Then some old drama came creeping its way back in. Back during the time that David and I broke up and when he returned, well there were some text messages between him and a friend (another chic). At the time, I really believed they were friends only (tried my best to at least, ha!) but I always keep an out. With the way females are these days, you can't trust shit...especially if they really don't talk to you. So she decides to talk to me after all this time, mind you when I read those texts she sent him (that basically suggested something happened between them while we were broken up), since he gave me vague answers...I sent her a message asking for a straight answer, she never responded. So she decides to talk to me about this, told me how he told her they were going to be together, how he got her daughter attached (kind of confused on that too), how he tried to have sex with her, etc. Just mad how he played her and went back to me. Ummmm, does she remember who she's talking to? LOL. I am the one that he left...and was somewhat encouraged by her to leave and how she would do what I wasn't. Now if that ain't throwed, I don't know what is. Haha.

First, all I can think is...I'm a really cool person, very loyal to my friends. I wanted to be friends with her and be cool with her. I mean even then, I didn't know he was just bad mouthing about me to her the whole 2 years we've been together. Damnnnnnnnnnn. But real deal, if I was that bad, why not leave me beforehand. Or on her side, talk to me and see whats the deal. Get both sides, if you were trying to be friends on both sides. Like I told him, you just don't talk to the opposite sex like that...it only leads to drama and guess what, it did. I'm sure she'll read this but fuck it...this is my life, this is my man. The person I have invested all this time with. Why should I feel sorry for her? The reason he stopped talking to her, ain't because I told him to. He did it because he knew he left me for some bullshit ass reasons. He knows he loves me, he knows I'm the one he wants to be with and for us to have a relationship...he can't have some other female (who basically was looking out for her own wants, not looking out for a friend) whispering in his ears about what she will do for him.

And thats the lesson learned, the grass ain't always greener on the other side. Yes, they kissed and he admitted that (she didn't even admit that to me). Will he talk to her again, I don't know. I don't think its right for them too, considering both decided to cross the line of friendship while we were together. The boundaries were broken and I'm not one to put up with disrespect. I have forgiven him for his part and I forgive her. But they ruined any opportunity of friendship going forward, he understands that and thats the reason he's cut off the communication. Hopefully she understands. But don't make me feel bad for what you did.....I had no part in what you did.

This falls back to that blog (which funny part about it really had nothing to do with this situation at the time) about why women think its okay to go after or mess with other people's men. Which actually falls for both sexes. I don't get it. Thats not in me to purposely go for someone that is attached to someone else. I don't agree with it, I don't feel sorry for those who knowingly put themselves in that situation............I think people deserve the reprecussions of what the do. Hopefully they take that as a lesson learned. God don't like ugly.

Uggh...outside of that drama and finally putting it out there, I'm done thinking or talking about it.

the Switch Over

I moved my blogging over to here...officially. Woo hoo! I didn't realize I had so many blogs on myspace. LOL. And some interesting ones...OMG, just reading them over a lil bit is crazy. The stuff I went through, the emotions in my head at those moments. Amazing and kind of like...what was I thinking? Haha.

Oh, in regards to the upstairs neighbors post......they moved. It was like 4 weeks ago, we realized that it got real quiet and then seen no one is up there now. I wonder what happened? LOL. Oh and the nice exchange of words w/ the downstairs neighbors...lets not go there, but he ain't said nothing to us or me since. Wish he would! Can't wait to get out of these apartments and into a house. Its about that time.

I do need to do some updates but I got this up...and I do have some things to do today. So tomorrow I will update on all the happenings. :)

Our Trip to New Orleans

So we just got back from New Orleans, it was one of those quick decisions and well it was well worth it. David got to see allll his family, people he hasn't seen in forever and well they finally got to meet the person thats been keeping him hostage here in Texas. Hahaha.

So the trip is about 8 hours 4 minutes, thats what yahoo maps says. But keep in mind we have a car full of kids and one thats a 4 month old baby. We left about 5am (were supposed to leave at like 2:30-3am). We got up at that time but left late (thats us...late!). Get on the road...stopped out near Bastrop to drop some money off to my sister (ummmmmm, she didn't look to good but thats a whole other story). Yes, it was almost 6am but damnnnn...she got skinny out of no where and some other stuff, kind of grossed me out. Finally we get going, stopped in Baytown or something at Waffle House to eat and then hit the road again. So David really thinks he tricked me into driving from Baytown to Baton Rouge. Now mind you, I couldn't remember how far the Tiger Stop (a gas station that has a tiger exhibit) but I had decided I would drive us that far anyways. So yeah, I did a lot of driving on the way there. We made it to New Orleans by 3pm.


Well we made it there, spent time w/ his aunt and outside his Grandma's...even went to David's nanny's house to hang out, eat pizza, etc. Then I couldn't stay up no longer, so we headed to his brothers house....and the last time we went and stayed w/ his brother and his family. They had a waterbug come in (I'm deathly afraid of these things), so I figured I'd be safe upstairs, come to find out there was one upstairs in the room as well. LOL. Well I was too tired to notice. That Sunday (mother's day) was his neice's birthday party, now I knew David had a lot of family that stayed on that street but there were so many people there. The street was closed down. They boiled lots of crawfish, the party was like 3 hours late gettin' going though. LOL. But hey, it happened. It was a long day though, plus it was hot as hell!

Also, it was kind of weird to see his babymama hanging out there too. Yes, we've talked and I've done my best to make things cool with her but it was kind of awkward. LOL. I understand DJ being there but her??? I mean the impression I always got from David was she really wasn't tight with his family, only his Nanny because she was watching DJ for awhile and she'd drive her places. It was just a bit strange...like oh, here's David's one babymama...and the new one. Haha, but I guess it didn't bother him, hell I rarely seen him that day. And just thinking of it, he didn't even tell me Happy Mother's Day or even have flowers, a card, something........and we got into over that. Believe he heard about it. I don't know what it is, its like when he gets down there he kind of acts one way compared to being home. Not sure how to explain it. I feel like the odd man out at times when we visit. So that day did kind of start off rough. Maybe its because I'm so used to having him to myself here and then when we visit, he only has little time to spend with those he hasn't seen? Hmmm....

So we headed back home on Monday morning, left about 10:30am and we were making some real good time, then we hit the Texas border..........and all was lost. We stopped to eat at Burger King and that shit was disgusting. You'd think that they all tasted the same, blahhhhh! So disappointing when I was so hungry, even the oreo cookie shake was gross. And we stopped another 3 million times, we didn't get home til like 8pm. It was the longest day of my life. LOL. Oh and while leaving Louisiana, we seen this truck on the road....the pic is attached, was funny to me.

I know where my heart lies, do you?

I guess its another opportunity for me to grow. And it seems to be something I keep encountering so I can't help but question myself and wonder if its me. Is it me? But then I think about it, no........I know who I am, I know what I stand for in relationships when it comes to my dear friends. Maybe...just maybe its God's way of sorting through who's the real deal and who's not. He's revealing to me the truth.

And here we go ago w/ yet another person telling me, I'm just being Amanda. Well, if thats the case........than I shall embrace being "AMANDA". I'm starting to realize its an excuse for their own actions but hey, if it makes them feel better for the things they say or do, then so be it. I just don't like people having double standards and trying to convince me that I'm the reason. I don't put anyone else in double standard mode. Now that I think about it, the same people accusing me of being judgemental of their situations are being just as judgemental of me. Thats kind of funny. So in a sense does it mean I have just as much right to throw them under the bus for being judgemental as well? Oh......there goes that double standard stuff, eh? That ain't my style.

I attempt to fix things but now I'm wondering is it worth fixing? I want it to be, I thought it was but then I think about it..........we've gone down this path before, years and years ago. Now its happening again, all I have ever asked for is a persons friendship, the same thing I've offered. No underlying motivation or cause to get use out of anyone other than being there for me like a friend should be. Just as I seen progress, we take two steps back in a relationship. But I've been the type to take the good w/ the bad....love unconditional and be a friend in the same sense. After awhile though you realize where you stand and what your role is in relationship, after being treated one way. Its okay though because I know that eventually that person's eyes will open and they will see all that is to be seen when it comes down to it. I'm a very forgiving person. Although I'd love to be one of those people that hold grudges and cut people out of my life especially when people hurt me.....I'm not. I just realized God has instilled the ability to forgive and really let go of things, in me.

I know I've been there...and I am here, if a person hasn't made use of this friendship...well thats because they chose not to. So really, how good of a friend have you been? Gotta give to recipricate, right? Gotta have an open line of communication like any other relationship and if you don't have that, well you don't have anything. So I guess if its ever decided to seriously talk.......well you know where I'm at, I've already attempted and I'm done attempting.

I've already had a blog about this, just goes to show how true that rule of thumb is....that most people can only count on one hand how many true friends they have. I'm realizing it time and time again.

Hmmmfff...disappointing - yes but revealing about true characters of others. Just know I'm on that grown ass woman shit.....no subliminal shit. You know...being AMANDA. Haha.

Its Official! I hate my upstairs neighbors!

Alright, I mentioned in a blog or so ago about my loud ass neighbors. They moved in back in December. Their loud as hell! And surprisingly, I haven't said anything to them about it yet. I've been contemplating on if I should go upstairs when they do their "krump" dancing up there and say something...or going to the office about it. Yeah, thats an inside joke...David said he thinks their practicing their "krump" dancing.....I said its either that or someone's getting an ass beating up there. I swear....its so bad, they shake my apartment. I mean, my diningroom table starts shaking and my pictures. It wouldn't work my nerves if it wasn't happening all the time. And its usually between 10pm and 2am that its like that. I don't get it....

But here's the topper.....

So I had to have maintenance come in and fix my toilet today. It clogged up so bad it went into our bathtub. Well we had an incident like 6 months ago or so...and we did do that, because we were using those wipes you "supposedly" can flush. Obviously not, but since then haven't put anything but toilet paper down the toilet. Well we get a clog today.....and it was wayyyyyyy worse, the tub was almost filled up.

So maintenance came, they said it was the worst they've seen.....and found out it was paper towels, a bunch of them. Well I guess all 3 floors are set up on the same pipes, we're on the 2nd floor. I told them it wasn't us. It wasn't the 1st floor because he came up here to say something about the water going to his bathroom since they were trying to un-clog mine. They went to the 3rd floor, they didn't answer...he went back up again, finally they answered and even let him in...tried to say it wasn't them. But when the maintenance guy went to the same bathroom (which is above mine)......there were two rolls of paper towels on the floor near their toilet. And they tried to claim the main bathroom was the one clogged. Pssshhh. Then they have the nerve to get mad at the maintenance man. WTF?

So now they clog up my toilet and tub w/ their nasty shit cause their wipin' their ass w/ paper towels. I mean seriously..........who is that stupid to put paper towels down a toilet and think its fine?????? Are they that fuckin' broke to buy some damn toilet paper? Hell.....toilet paper is cheaper than paper towels. What the hell is wrong w/ these people?

UGGGGHH! End result though...and I guess because they tried to give the maintenance man attitude......their getting a lease violation. Haha.

Okay, someone explain to me...

Since when did it become okay to mess w/ other people's men? I realize this has been happening forever, but it seems more openly expressed as okay. Why do women drop themselves to that low point to think its okay to be with another woman's man? I don't understand it. Or maybe I do somewhat.......because I have encountered one man where at the beginning I didn't know he had this person. He told me a lot of lies, then eventually, truth came out he was married to her. Yet he kept lying......I knew he was, I knew he was still w/ her as a husband. I accepted it because I wanted him and tried to convince myself his lies were the truth. Even towards the end of our relationship, I even tried to tell myself...well its just about the sex, thats all I need. However, I know if I had known the truth from get go.......that he was still w/ his wife, I would never have taken that path. I did feel guilty and eventually, we parted ways. Thank God for myself, because yes....I knew I deserved way more than that type of relationship and respect from a man.

I just don't understand how women can live with themselves, knowing their giving up their goods to someone that is using them. They really believe their empowering themselves because they know the truth......the truth that this man is sexing them, while their other half is at home. But really, is that empowerment? or more so a lack of quality in you.....the fact that you can lower your standards so low, he can use you for whatever... To think your better than that woman at home because you know. Haha. Not really...fact is, that knowledge should help you make a better decision. Not only for respect of that other woman, but respect for yourself. I think us women down grade ourselves when we accept these situations. Remember, men only do what us women allow them to do. That goes for the "other" woman as well. To say your fine with that situation....I think shows how much you feel about yourself and worth.

And even being through it myself, I learned from it. Karma is a bitch and I feel you do this to someone.......its going to come right around back to you when you do find that person you want to be with seriously. Basically, I feel no sympathy for those that do hypocritical things of this nature.......and feel the pain of it later themselves.

Its just one of those things...I still don't understand.

Blessings in Disguise

So for those who didn't know, I was laid off exactly on the day I was due back to my job from maternity leave. It sucked, especially w/ how the economy has been going. I had a feeling of things coming to a lay off w/ this company for awhile, things were slow and literally we were fighting for work. But I was holding out hope that it wouldn't lead to that. Well, I was among the percentage that got their job eliminated. I do have to say the company was good to us and made sure to cover me some, I got a severenes package.

I was worried though, mainly with how long it would take to find another job. I mean most companies are scaling back on pay increases and hiring. So I wasn't sure what to expect. Last time I was let go from a job was 8 years ago during the recession back in 2001. So its been a bit scary and worrying me. Especially since David's been on unemployment himself since October.

But what they say about things being a blessing in disguise is true. I just prayed about things and did my best not to stress too much. I interviewed w/ a company I was trying to get on w/ last summer again...and got the call today, I was offered the position at my same rate of pay I was making at my previous job. Its also good because they have overtime. I can actually start making some good money again, the other place...due to slow business obviously didn't offer it. I knew then, that was a bad sign. Thats also why I had been looking last year. Its obvious, as one door closes.......another opens and things work out how they should.

Another thing, in the midst of losing my job.....I managed to get a new ride! LOL. Its a 2006 PT Cruiser. I love it, and it fits me. Plus David managed to get started w/ a new job too, driving a school bus for one of the school districts here. He's almost done w/ his training and will have his CDL license soon.

Oh...and Brayden got his first shots today. My poor baby, he actually did good though, no major crying. Which shocked me considering he's a major cry baby any other time. Haha. And he's finally sleeping through the night! Do you know how wonderful that is! 7+ hours each night......my baby is so good. Not sure if its due to a formula change or just cause he's getting older.

Aries also finished up his basketball for one league. They did pretty well for the team playing together for the first time. 4 wins and 3 losses. The other teams were teams formed and staying together since like kindergarten. I signed him up for new Spring basketball w/ another program, not the same as this one but he can get his basketball skills down more and have some fun. Hoping to get the money together to get him signed up for a Basketball camp during the summer.As for Nati...she's Nati. Haha. She loves being a big sister and taking care of Brayden. Sometimes I have to remind her not to be too rough on him. Hopefully soon she will be signed up for gymnastics.

Thats about it on our updates..........and I'm excited to start w/ the new company come Monday.

Haters (real talk)

Some words of wisdom...I got a few of these out there now.

Hater/ By Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall.

They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough!

When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters...

That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed...

It's dangerous to be like somebody else... If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right?

You never know what people have gone through to get what they have....

The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story...

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!

We've all got some haters among us!

Some people envy you because you can:
a) Have a relationship with God
b) Light up a room when you walk in
c) Start your own business
d) Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn't about the right thing)
e) Raise your children without both parents being in the home

Haters can't stand to see you happy. Haters will never want to see you succeed. Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side.

How do you handle your undercover haters?
You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)
2. Having a purpose to your life: Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation.

Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live...when its your time to leave this earth, you 'want' to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled 'my' dreams,... Now I'm ready to go HOME!

When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at me...Look at Who is in charge of me...'

Pass this to all of your family & friends who you know are not hating on you including the person who sent it to you.

If you don't get it back, maybe you called somebody out! Don't worry about it, it's not your problem, it's theirs..

Just pray for them, that their life can be as fulfilled as yours! Watch out for Haters...BUT most of all don't become a HATER!'

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

Maya Angelou

Remember:
When your heart is perfect toward God, God is obligated to bring you into the company of the people you need to know, and into the knowledge of the things you need to know, that are critical for your success in life,your destiny, and your purpose.

Misconceptions

So this has been on my mind for a minute, I guess due to some situations with friends or foes recently. And it bothers me to have people think these things of me, at this moment. Especially those that I consider friends or have in the past. Those that I have tried to be the best friend possible to. I have been through lots of turmoil when it comes to relationships, ups and downs. I've learned from them too. I admit, I can be judgemental...but fact is, everyone is and to say your not...well, your full of it. But I know I've made changes over the years.....and for some, the ones that I fell out with because I didn't agree with things they were doing...well it seems still think that no matter what...I'm negative and thats all I'm trying to be towards them.

Yes, I am a blunt person. I say what is on my mind and what I feel. I think thats the best way to go about things...keep things open and honest so there's no room for misinterperations or miscommunication. I think on logic and to have someone tell me...."not everyone's logic is your logic", like I'm a dumbass and don't know this. Its obvious that not everyone thinks on my level, if that was the case........there wouldn't be a reason the bullshit exist in this world. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else but I know what I stand for and what I want in life. I know what I will or will not tolerate from people. I know I can be a bit harsh on people but thats because I care for them and I'm trying to look out for their best interest because I don't want to see them hurting later on down the road. Is that not what a friend is supposed to be? Maybe my standards for friendships or relationships are just too high for others to get.

I'm not a black and white kind of person, so I don't get why people assume...well she reacted this way when we fell out (just because they never understood why I said those things or what my real intentions were behind it in the first place), she's still this way today. I see gray and if they knew me so well.........they would see and understand why I said those things. I'm not about being negative or bringing others down, hell I feel like I'm more uplifting to people than anything. But I am about being real about things...and after awhile, after seeing someone do and make stupid decisions one after another...you get sick of it. You know this person is better than this, so you speak up. Thats what I did, thats why we fell out. However, we made up...if I can let go of the fact that you chose to go the other route....then let go of thinking I'm trying to reprimand you for things you still do today and worse part is, these people are doing things they know in their heart isn't good for themselves because either A. they have mentioned it to me or B. Others have said it to them and their telling me. So who are you really mad at, me or yourself and your situation your in?

I know I am only in control of my feelings, emotions and how I let others make me feel. Don't put the blame on me, as if I made you feel this way...we as individuals have control over what we feel and how we let others affect us. I may say something you don't like.....but I move past it when people choose to do what they want. Their grown adults, I'm not trying to be anyone's mother and I know people are either going to take my advice or words and make use of them or they are not. Either way, I let it go.....so why can't these people let go of the animosity towards me, like I really did something to them.

I think thats what pisses me off the most. Yes, when I was younger...I was more confrontational...I raised my voice a lot. But that ain't me now, time changes people. Its still in me to be that way, no doubt...but I don't walk around like that. And if these people really knew me, they would know how quickly I can get mad and get over it. I ain't about grudges or revenge. I ain't about all that bullshit. I'm about saying what I feel...take it or leave it. I don't expect others to agree with it or feel that way either. If anything, I'm about dealing w/ the issue...making amends and moving on. I am not one to walk on eggshells. I've learned to pick my battles, whats worth saying something about and whats not. And if people noticed, I usually don't say shit about anything these days.

I'm at that point...if people can't handle that, then so be it. I am me...like you want me to accept you for who you are, then accept me for me.

Whats up....

So...all I can say at this point is GOD IS GOOD! I tell you, when your having a hard time...no matter if its a personal issue like some drama w/ your man/woman or with a family member or a friend.......or if its financially or some other matter. Leave it in God's hands and he will come through. He always does. And believe, as someone who wasn't raised up in church...someone who's been trying to get her relationship back with God, its been a difficult task for me. Its been hard for me to learn to leave all my worries in his hands, especially because its always been in my head to figure it out myself. But he has come through for me.......

So thats my inspirational thoughts for the moment. Next......can I get my W2 please? LOL. I really need some extra money right now. I'm on maternity leave as most know but dang, I was already slipping behind back in November. Things had got caught up and were falling into place for us financially in October, then David lost his job. Its been real tough, I think that lead to our 2 week break up. Its tough on a couple, however we're making it work and we're actually a lot better right now as for our relationship. As for finances......I've been doing my best to leave that to God because he does come through, just more praying to do but I'm so ready to be able to relax some about the bills.

As for the kids...Aries started basketball, in fact he has practice tonight. He had his first game last Saturday...he plays for the Bobcats (like the NBA Bobcats) and their team won. He's very excited about it and having fun. Nati...she's just Nati. Lol. Doing well in school and excited to have a baby brother. Brayden, well...........just like his daddy, stubborn and a nugget. Up all night, killing his parents. We're dying here from lack of sleep. Just as I think we're getting a routine going......he decides, NOPE. Figures. I can't believe he's going to be 2 weeks old in two days. Its gone fast........my baby is getting bigger. I was going to buy the hospital pics, but I hate them. Which is disappointing since I've bought the other two kids hospital pics. They just came out horrible and not what I expected. But we will go get his month old pics...or close to it soon.

The other thing.........My upstairs neighbors, they've been living up there for like two months now. I'm going to kill them. I don't get it, I never really heard the people before and they had a kid same age as Aries running around up there but these people are rediculous. Its all night, I'm talking about major banging...shaking my walls. I'm like wtf?! are they doing up there. I don't get it, I mean these apartments are pretty well built. I want to go up there and cuss their asses out........like now!!!!!!! Uggh. And now their starting to play their music loud. It wouldn't bother me if it was every once and while but its all the freaking time and it gets worse around 10pm for some reason. I wonder if I should say something to them first or go the office. I'm trying to keep it cool but its getting worse....and I have very little patience.

Brayden's Birth Story

Thought I would post this here for those who wanted to know. Here's his stats:

Name: Brayden Matthew
DOB: Thursday, January 8th, 2009 at 7:14pm
Weight: 8lbs. 4oz.
Height: 18 3/4 inches
Head Circumference: 13 1/2 inches

Story: Basically I was set up for induction due to finally hitting 39 weeks and most likely due to my history of being induced previously and successfully with my other two. I was scheduled to start at 8am, I showed up at 7:15am as requested from the doctor to do registration. Made it up to L&D to get put in my room at 7:40am, however they didn't have my room ready for me so I had to wait on that. Didn't get to my room until 8:45am, by that time the nurse did all the usual medical questions/records stuff. Then gave me my IV to start my pitocin, that didn't start until almost 10am. Prior to this I was dilated at 2cm and 80% effaced, almost 90% because I had started having contractions on my own.

They slowly upp'd my pitocin, I was actually dealing with the contractions well. Then we waited on my doctor to come to break my water, she was supposed to be there by noon...yet another delay and didn't get to me to break my water until 1:15pm. At that point, I already knew my contractions were going to get harder and stronger...so I went ahead and requested my epidural. I was dealing with the contractions still well, I was amazed with myself. Prior to the epidural, Brayden kept on moving around..he didn't want the fetal heart monitor on him...which was on my stomach. So they decided to put one on his head from the inside. Then the anesthesiologist came in to give my my epidural around 2:20pm or so and was VERY good. I didn't feel any pain when she put it in, just some slight pressure. At this point my contractions were pretty strong, I was only dilated at a 3 and 100% effaced. I was giving a button to push to get more meds from the epidural if I could still feel the pain, so I of course pushed it...twice. LOL. Caused me to get VERY LOW blood pressure...I felt dizzy and sweaty and well ready to get sick. They came in, had to stop the pitocin and give me some medication that started with the letter E to get my BP normal again.

Once I got normal...the restarted my pitocin and said no more pushing on the button for the epidural unless I really needed it. LOL. So we restarted the pitocin at about 3:30 or 3:45ish pm. At this time, I was still 3cm and 100% effaced. Then they slowly upp'd the pitocin again, at 5:30pm they checked me and I was at 6cm, then while talking to David around 7pm...I just felt this pressure like I had to poo. I knew that feeling, I watched the monitor...it only happened when I had a contraction, it was the baby's head moving down...then going back up as the contraction died down. When the nurse came in, I told her what I felt, she checked me...and goes yep, its time to have a baby. At that time, my doctor just happened to come in to check on me since my water breaking. And I was ready to have a baby. There was no practice pushes...just listened to my doctors directions and with a few slight pushes...very little effort, Brayden was born at 7:14pm.

He was very cheesey...a head full of hair and screaming. He's not so bad now, only upset when he gets his diaper changed due to being circumsized. David went to the nursery and watched him get his first bath...as well as watched him get circumsized, he said that was the most traumatic experience he ever witnessed. I guess outside of watching his son being born? LOL.

We came home yesterday, I'm doing well...still a lil' sore and crampy and realizing how weird it feels now to have an empty belly...thats all jiggly again. Haha.

His birth pics and new ones are up now...to view. Enjoy!