So I've been thinking about the past year and whats happened. Its crazy how in January you see it one way and it turns into a completely other direction. But I can't complain about this year, its been a very good year to me considering how things went the year before.
I just think at the beginning of the year, I was with this person that was a complete liar. I knew he was. Hell a month before that I found out he was married, and for a moment I was actually thinking I could believe what he said and try to make it work. Thank GOD! it didn't go any further. I had my feelings wrapped up in him. While he sat back and was trying to play me. The thing is, I was doing my own dirt because I knew he was a liar. So was it really dirt? I had my reasons, in the end I waited until he called it quits. I admit, from time to time...I think about the friendship we had. The reminders every time I see a freakin' Impala...but its all bad memories. Even going back to Austin to visit for Thanksgiving, it had me think of the shit I went through w/ this man. It brings back the hate and dislike I have for him. And realize, we didn't have a "real" friendship. It was built on lies. Definitely a life lesson, something that was hard but I'm glad I went through it.
Its funny because I never figured I'd move from Austin. Its like it hit me, I want to make some changes. Especially going through some drama w/ idiot people early on in the year outside of the married dude. I just knew I had been in Austin too long and it was time for a new start. I even managed to get two job offers before coming here. I knew then, this is where I should be. I was so scared it might be the wrong decision but it worked out. Yes, the job I initially took wasn't where I wanted to be but this entire year I've been blessed to NOT be w/ out work and go where I WANTED TO GO! I moved in my career because I chose to do it. Its the best feeling in the world to know I have those capalibilites. I realized how confident I am, how much I do have to offer when it comes to the knowledge I hold in my field. And believe, it took some time to get the courage up to make those bold steps.
The best part though, was meeting the love of my life. I know this person is the love of my life because things are so different in this relationship. I always said it, if you want a good lasting relationship with someone...you can't start it on some bullshit foundation. So many people, cheat or start talking to one another while this person's talking to or messing w/ this person. Its like our lives lined up at the right time. He was single, dating. So was I. I never thought that we would end up together. I just wanted to be single and chill. But we spent so much time together that it built into this. I've been completely faithful and he has to. Which is a first on both ends. Its like we compliment each other. Its real love. We've had some hard times, things that married couples deal with. Mainly because my mentality is set on....its US, not me or you. US! One unit working towards the same goal. Do you know how beautiful it is to have someone on the same page as you. That connection, that raw honesty with one another and not fear that they can't handle what your saying? That unconditional love.
At this point, I can say I am the happiest I've ever been. Times have been hard this year but at the end of the day...I have my family. I have my children and I have David. Its a wonderful thing, after longing for these things for so long...its happened.
Now I look forward to 2008, we will be getting married in October. Things are heading the right direction. I truly feel blessed at the end of the day, no matter what we're dealing w/ at the moment.............God has blessed us!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
WTF?!
Could things get any worse? Times have been gettin' real hard for my family here. I'm the only one working at the moment and not because David don't want to. He's been out there looking and no luck yet. Its been getting real stressful. I'm doing my best to make ends meet. We're at the point where we have NO MONEY for food.........and barely enough for gas. Hell I'm barely making my car notes, and at this point I'm not even using my own car because the water pump is getting ready to go out on it. I've let my car insurance go...I've let my cell phone go. I'm sure enough my internet and cable will be gone next.
On top of it, I had to go sign my kids up for Christmas help here through the Salvation Army which I'm sure will be barely anything and whatever leftovers they have. I know it doesn't matter what they get for Christmas, but then again it does. Its not like I get them the most exstravagant gifts anyways. Thank God, my grandparents gave me a Christmas tree with ornaments otherwise we wouldn't even have a tree.
So this weekend I thought we would be okay enough to at least get some stockings and a skirt for the tree. Maybe pick up some in-expensive toys from the Family Dollar. Just something to put under there for the kids. To get things going. NOPE! Why? Because David decided to help his brother by keeping a pitbull here. A dog his brother has been claiming to come get for the past month and a half or so. I told him we shouldn't have that dog here because we can get a lease violation. Well, the dog got out.........and the office found out and now we have a lease violation with a fee of $100.00 and $10 every day until the dog is removed. This is all due with rent. We have rent...........but this extra $100? That was our money to get food.......get for the kids. And because his brother is a liar.....we have to scrap of what little money we have to pay for a dog that ain't even ours. Just trying to help people out. I don't understand it. I just knew it was a bad idea. This type of situation makes me not want to help NO ONE out! Who's paying for this? MY CHILDREN!
I'm so mad right now...........
On top of it, I had to go sign my kids up for Christmas help here through the Salvation Army which I'm sure will be barely anything and whatever leftovers they have. I know it doesn't matter what they get for Christmas, but then again it does. Its not like I get them the most exstravagant gifts anyways. Thank God, my grandparents gave me a Christmas tree with ornaments otherwise we wouldn't even have a tree.
So this weekend I thought we would be okay enough to at least get some stockings and a skirt for the tree. Maybe pick up some in-expensive toys from the Family Dollar. Just something to put under there for the kids. To get things going. NOPE! Why? Because David decided to help his brother by keeping a pitbull here. A dog his brother has been claiming to come get for the past month and a half or so. I told him we shouldn't have that dog here because we can get a lease violation. Well, the dog got out.........and the office found out and now we have a lease violation with a fee of $100.00 and $10 every day until the dog is removed. This is all due with rent. We have rent...........but this extra $100? That was our money to get food.......get for the kids. And because his brother is a liar.....we have to scrap of what little money we have to pay for a dog that ain't even ours. Just trying to help people out. I don't understand it. I just knew it was a bad idea. This type of situation makes me not want to help NO ONE out! Who's paying for this? MY CHILDREN!
I'm so mad right now...........
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Let the Power Be Where It Belongs...to YOU!
A man has the power to love a woman in a way that she has never been loved, and yet hurt her with the same intensity.
A man has the power to treat a woman like a queen then turn around and make her wish she was never born.
A man has the power to make a woman cry with happiness and joy, then turn around and make her cry with hurt and anger.
A man has the power to let a woman feel free and wanted, but also feel disgusted and unworthy.
A man has the power to look a woman in her face and tell her he loves her, but turn around and sleep with her best friend.
A man has the power to make you fall in love with him within days, and hate him within minutes.
During sex a man has the power to make a woman feel like she's in heaven, and afterwards makes her feel like a whore.
A man has the power to change a woman from having goals, to living out his goals instead of her own. Why is it that men have such power? They have so much power, because we give it to them. The power of a man wouldn't mean anything without a woman.
So ladies when times are hard between you and your man; and you realize that he treats you bad, remember that he can only do what you allow. Never underestimate your power because without it, you are stuck with the power of a man!!
Don't forget that God gave "WOMEN" will power and they are very near to God's heart, so let no man have dominion over you but God!
From a powerful woman...
Author unknown
A man has the power to treat a woman like a queen then turn around and make her wish she was never born.
A man has the power to make a woman cry with happiness and joy, then turn around and make her cry with hurt and anger.
A man has the power to let a woman feel free and wanted, but also feel disgusted and unworthy.
A man has the power to look a woman in her face and tell her he loves her, but turn around and sleep with her best friend.
A man has the power to make you fall in love with him within days, and hate him within minutes.
During sex a man has the power to make a woman feel like she's in heaven, and afterwards makes her feel like a whore.
A man has the power to change a woman from having goals, to living out his goals instead of her own. Why is it that men have such power? They have so much power, because we give it to them. The power of a man wouldn't mean anything without a woman.
So ladies when times are hard between you and your man; and you realize that he treats you bad, remember that he can only do what you allow. Never underestimate your power because without it, you are stuck with the power of a man!!
Don't forget that God gave "WOMEN" will power and they are very near to God's heart, so let no man have dominion over you but God!
From a powerful woman...
Author unknown
Saturday, October 13, 2007
What To Do?
Ya'll.........I'm so confused. I managed to get a job offer from United Behavioral Health as a claims examiner. But I'm also working for my current company doing the same thing. I'm so torn right now on which path to take..........Here's the situation:
I'm currently working for CHCS Serivces, Inc. Doing Medicare claims. I make really great money.........in fact the most I've ever made in my life. The drawback, its a temporary to permanent position. I left my last job for this one on purpose, my intention was to make myself shine and become permanent. I'm now at 3 1/2 months there. Which is good! Believe because the class started out with like 23 people and they let all go except 8 of us. Mind you 2 were permanent already. So I survived that. We finally hit the floor after 3 lonngggg months of training Friday and I'm loving it. Its a good company! The problem is..........WHEN will I go permanent? Should I wait it out.....I know the trainer said they wouldn't have trained us all this time to keep us temporary or let us go. They just want to see how we do on the floor. And it seems the usual amount of time for others to go permanent is about 5 months....I won't hit 5 months until December. Plus I know, if I wait it out....once permanent, they hire their examiners at an hourly rate more than what I'm already making plus some. And their benefits are really good.
Then there's United Behavioral Health who offered me a position. They offered me a lower wage than what I'm making now, 80 cents less. But benefits begin the day I start. I can wear jeans every day and they have true flex time.........for those who don't know what that is.......I can come in between 6am-9am....as long as I'm there before 9am and complete my 8 hours. They offer OT. And I'm direct hire. No more worries about being temporary and having no benefits. But then I heard horrible things about the place....that they don't promote much and raises are rare.
So now I'm not sure what to do.............this is my delimma. Any thoughts or suggestions?
I'm currently working for CHCS Serivces, Inc. Doing Medicare claims. I make really great money.........in fact the most I've ever made in my life. The drawback, its a temporary to permanent position. I left my last job for this one on purpose, my intention was to make myself shine and become permanent. I'm now at 3 1/2 months there. Which is good! Believe because the class started out with like 23 people and they let all go except 8 of us. Mind you 2 were permanent already. So I survived that. We finally hit the floor after 3 lonngggg months of training Friday and I'm loving it. Its a good company! The problem is..........WHEN will I go permanent? Should I wait it out.....I know the trainer said they wouldn't have trained us all this time to keep us temporary or let us go. They just want to see how we do on the floor. And it seems the usual amount of time for others to go permanent is about 5 months....I won't hit 5 months until December. Plus I know, if I wait it out....once permanent, they hire their examiners at an hourly rate more than what I'm already making plus some. And their benefits are really good.
Then there's United Behavioral Health who offered me a position. They offered me a lower wage than what I'm making now, 80 cents less. But benefits begin the day I start. I can wear jeans every day and they have true flex time.........for those who don't know what that is.......I can come in between 6am-9am....as long as I'm there before 9am and complete my 8 hours. They offer OT. And I'm direct hire. No more worries about being temporary and having no benefits. But then I heard horrible things about the place....that they don't promote much and raises are rare.
So now I'm not sure what to do.............this is my delimma. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Saturday, September 29, 2007
The shit I deal with........Haha.
I named my blog this because basically..........this is what its like being a grown ass woman. The things we deal with. Haha!
Things lately have calmed down a lot. Its been a rough period and time for me. Trying to figure out what I should do regarding my job. I love it there, but the fact is there are things that I need for myself and my family. I managed to get a job interview with United Health, go next week. So hopefully I hear something. I heard they make great money there, not that I ain't...and great benefits. I gotta do whats best for my family all the way around and thats my focus right now. And to be honest, I think to myself...every move I've made career wise has been a better move than before. So I can't complain.
The kids are doing okay, Aries was moved to another class. He's been having issues with behaving and well it was also due to his reading level. He's doing so good in reading that the principal felt he would have gotten a higher rating if in another teacher's class. In other words: The teacher he had wasn't that great! I can agree, I called her...talked with her, told her if she had any issues to call me. NOTHING. So I'm glad the principal felt this was a good move. And so far so good. Natalya is doing good with daycare. Outside of it, she's her normal silly and outgoing self. Definitely a lil' character. Haha........
David and I..........believe we've been having issues. I hate to even write that. It ain't been perfect and my closest friends who I indulge things with know and understand. But we're making it work, because in the end.....we love one another and well on both ends.....feel we're good together. Its just when fear of the unknown, as well as stress get involved...it can make a person react in ways their not expecting. We're good though. Oh yeah, no baby on the way........one day, but not anytime soon. I think the stress of things made me stop up. Haha.
To my friends, hope no one was offended by it. Just was frustrated and well, I miss ya'll. I want to get out of the house and have a life..........outside of work, David and the kids. I need someone to vent to and I'm glad people have been there for me while going through things lately. Love ya'll.
Things lately have calmed down a lot. Its been a rough period and time for me. Trying to figure out what I should do regarding my job. I love it there, but the fact is there are things that I need for myself and my family. I managed to get a job interview with United Health, go next week. So hopefully I hear something. I heard they make great money there, not that I ain't...and great benefits. I gotta do whats best for my family all the way around and thats my focus right now. And to be honest, I think to myself...every move I've made career wise has been a better move than before. So I can't complain.
The kids are doing okay, Aries was moved to another class. He's been having issues with behaving and well it was also due to his reading level. He's doing so good in reading that the principal felt he would have gotten a higher rating if in another teacher's class. In other words: The teacher he had wasn't that great! I can agree, I called her...talked with her, told her if she had any issues to call me. NOTHING. So I'm glad the principal felt this was a good move. And so far so good. Natalya is doing good with daycare. Outside of it, she's her normal silly and outgoing self. Definitely a lil' character. Haha........
David and I..........believe we've been having issues. I hate to even write that. It ain't been perfect and my closest friends who I indulge things with know and understand. But we're making it work, because in the end.....we love one another and well on both ends.....feel we're good together. Its just when fear of the unknown, as well as stress get involved...it can make a person react in ways their not expecting. We're good though. Oh yeah, no baby on the way........one day, but not anytime soon. I think the stress of things made me stop up. Haha.
To my friends, hope no one was offended by it. Just was frustrated and well, I miss ya'll. I want to get out of the house and have a life..........outside of work, David and the kids. I need someone to vent to and I'm glad people have been there for me while going through things lately. Love ya'll.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Its been a long time comin’...
I'm having one of those days and I'm ready to just ball my freakin' eyes out. Mood swings, I'm 10 days late for my period....I could be pregnant, who knows at this moment. Me and my sweety been arguing today and thats makin' it worse. Its amazing how a few words can make a person re-think everything in their life. I realized in my moments of need.........how some people just are never there. You wonder, are they really your friend after all this? I mean I can't help but think those things. I wonder who I can rely on, but something has lit a fire beneath me to realize its only me I can rely on. I've thought this whole time, these people are my friends. Maybe because I want a close friend that I can connect to, someone I can turn to as family. I figure, I do my best to be available to my friends. I know I don't keep in contact all the time...but damn, I feel so lonely. I have no friends here.....I have no one but my kids and my sweety. But even then, he has his friends...so why don't I?
I do my best to think about the things people do for me and appreciate it. I try my best to be there to help them in their times of need. I just feel so let down at this moment. And maybe its just me over analyzing things. And its not one person in particular, but I think I just realized..........I have no real close friends. Outside of a few people. And maybe thats what I needed to realize.
Then dealing with things with David....I have no one to talk to, it just feels like that right now. I never talk about me and him to anyone, main reason because I know its for us to work out together but now its getting to that point where for some reason we ain't. I don't know what to do...its so frustrating. I don't have my one friend to confide in, to be there for me when I just need to cry and let it all out. Usually, if anything I can talk to my mom....usually I'd do that when I'd go pick up the kids but now I don't talk to her much anymore and maybe thats my fault. Maybe its the reality that I'm growing up...and on my own for real now. I don't know. Its just driving me crazy....all of this. I feel the urge to go back to Austin...........at this moment.
So tomorrow I'm going home to be around my family.........I doubt anyone care anyways.
I do my best to think about the things people do for me and appreciate it. I try my best to be there to help them in their times of need. I just feel so let down at this moment. And maybe its just me over analyzing things. And its not one person in particular, but I think I just realized..........I have no real close friends. Outside of a few people. And maybe thats what I needed to realize.
Then dealing with things with David....I have no one to talk to, it just feels like that right now. I never talk about me and him to anyone, main reason because I know its for us to work out together but now its getting to that point where for some reason we ain't. I don't know what to do...its so frustrating. I don't have my one friend to confide in, to be there for me when I just need to cry and let it all out. Usually, if anything I can talk to my mom....usually I'd do that when I'd go pick up the kids but now I don't talk to her much anymore and maybe thats my fault. Maybe its the reality that I'm growing up...and on my own for real now. I don't know. Its just driving me crazy....all of this. I feel the urge to go back to Austin...........at this moment.
So tomorrow I'm going home to be around my family.........I doubt anyone care anyways.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
The kids, the job and my baby
Well lets see whats going on with me. I'm ready to give up on school. Its a damn shame, I know. LOL. I just think, maybe its not meant for me. At least not right now. Maybe once the kids get older and are both in school. But with them coming back home and trying to get things back in order. Things stable for them from all the changes that have happened in the past year and a half. I just don't think I can deal with school right now. My head isn't in it. Just lots of stressing going on right now.
The job is going great, in fact they got rid of a lot of folks from our training class. I'm just waiting to get out on the floor, setting my own hours. Things of that nature. I'm ready to show 'em what I got! And waiting to get some damn insurance cause Lord knows I need to go to the doctor for my check ups. LOL. I'm very serious about my health and well its been since February that I had my physical. Then during the time the kids came back I got real sick, very bad upper respiratory infection. Then Natalya got a UTI and I had to take her to the ER. No insurance sucks! Soon though, especially for all of us. David is having issues with his sinuses and needs surgery. So once I get my insurance info. my ass is signing us all up ASAP!
On a side note, Aries has been acting bad as hell. Well, not real bad but to me bad. LOL. The boy knows better not to cuss at me. But he's got a mouth on him and actually has been curbing it. He used to be real lippy, but we're getting him in shape regarding that. Next, he's been lying a lot. So right now, he's grounded and basically its mostly just not listening. But I think tonight when we talked with him things go into order. We'll see, I know reality is...its gonna take some time to get both of the kids in tip top shape....plus kids are going to be kids. Well boys at least. Nati isn't real bad, but I can tell Aries lying is rubbing off on her. She watches her brother and does as he does.
Next, David and I are doing good. We have our moments. Especially this past week. It was rough, REAL rough. I was ready to just say FUCK IT! But deep down dude has my heart and I can't walk away that easy. Its not like he did anything major but I know one thing....lack of communication can kill a relationship quickly. And although I don't know what exactly is going on in his head, mainly in the past week. I just know I can't have things go a certain way and continue that way. So we talked, we love each other too much to let stupid things be the reason to make us part. Plus, the way I see it.......we're too old for the bullshit of him runnin' out the house or me tellin' him we through. Thats shit we did in our past relationships and we need to confront any issues head on together to make it work. I'm tellin' ya.........its all about COMMUNICATION to have a relationship last. Once you've lost that, other things interfere and I don't want that. I love him too much...and I admit, I've had my moments where I cry. Its hard, I try to prepare myself for the possibility of getting hurt...but thats impossible when it comes to love. The potential is always there. Then there's my pangs of jealousy...it comes through, YES....it does. Haha, not real bad but it does. He has his moments too but to be honest, I'm totally faithful to him. I don't even try to go there with another man. Literally its only eyes for him, he may not realize how true that is....but it is. Considering my past playlistic ways. Hahaha. I love my sweety!
Then friends...well, I feel like I'm secluded from them. Don't see anyone, hang out with anyone........nada. I feel like I have no life outside of work and home. I guess thats part of getting old. I know everyone else has their own lives their handling. But I miss folks. And yes, I admit...I'm bad about keeping in contact. I do my best, thats not meaning I don't think about you.........believe it. I love my girls and the people I'm close to.
Thats about it..........
The job is going great, in fact they got rid of a lot of folks from our training class. I'm just waiting to get out on the floor, setting my own hours. Things of that nature. I'm ready to show 'em what I got! And waiting to get some damn insurance cause Lord knows I need to go to the doctor for my check ups. LOL. I'm very serious about my health and well its been since February that I had my physical. Then during the time the kids came back I got real sick, very bad upper respiratory infection. Then Natalya got a UTI and I had to take her to the ER. No insurance sucks! Soon though, especially for all of us. David is having issues with his sinuses and needs surgery. So once I get my insurance info. my ass is signing us all up ASAP!
On a side note, Aries has been acting bad as hell. Well, not real bad but to me bad. LOL. The boy knows better not to cuss at me. But he's got a mouth on him and actually has been curbing it. He used to be real lippy, but we're getting him in shape regarding that. Next, he's been lying a lot. So right now, he's grounded and basically its mostly just not listening. But I think tonight when we talked with him things go into order. We'll see, I know reality is...its gonna take some time to get both of the kids in tip top shape....plus kids are going to be kids. Well boys at least. Nati isn't real bad, but I can tell Aries lying is rubbing off on her. She watches her brother and does as he does.
Next, David and I are doing good. We have our moments. Especially this past week. It was rough, REAL rough. I was ready to just say FUCK IT! But deep down dude has my heart and I can't walk away that easy. Its not like he did anything major but I know one thing....lack of communication can kill a relationship quickly. And although I don't know what exactly is going on in his head, mainly in the past week. I just know I can't have things go a certain way and continue that way. So we talked, we love each other too much to let stupid things be the reason to make us part. Plus, the way I see it.......we're too old for the bullshit of him runnin' out the house or me tellin' him we through. Thats shit we did in our past relationships and we need to confront any issues head on together to make it work. I'm tellin' ya.........its all about COMMUNICATION to have a relationship last. Once you've lost that, other things interfere and I don't want that. I love him too much...and I admit, I've had my moments where I cry. Its hard, I try to prepare myself for the possibility of getting hurt...but thats impossible when it comes to love. The potential is always there. Then there's my pangs of jealousy...it comes through, YES....it does. Haha, not real bad but it does. He has his moments too but to be honest, I'm totally faithful to him. I don't even try to go there with another man. Literally its only eyes for him, he may not realize how true that is....but it is. Considering my past playlistic ways. Hahaha. I love my sweety!
Then friends...well, I feel like I'm secluded from them. Don't see anyone, hang out with anyone........nada. I feel like I have no life outside of work and home. I guess thats part of getting old. I know everyone else has their own lives their handling. But I miss folks. And yes, I admit...I'm bad about keeping in contact. I do my best, thats not meaning I don't think about you.........believe it. I love my girls and the people I'm close to.
Thats about it..........
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
My Dear Friend
This blog goes out to one of my best friend's in the whole wide world. And if she ever reads this, she knows who she is. I feel so sad for her right now. This person has inspired me to do more for myself and done so many things for herself in the process. She's been a complete success and it hurts me to see her going through hard times right now. Just knowing that your going through this moment in your life.........I just pray that everything works out for you girl. I love you with all of my heart and I know this is killing you, the stress involved with regards to this......... I hate to know that other things are happening and I pray that God will give you the strength to pull through. Your a strong woman and know that if I had any power in this, I'd do what was possible to make things all better for you. You've been a great friend to me through out these years and this is the first time I'm seeing you on this level. God has blessed you and as David said..........maybe this is God closing the window on one thing and opening the door to another.
Remember I love you........and I'm here for you. (((HUGS)))
Remember I love you........and I'm here for you. (((HUGS)))
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Dead Beat Daddies
Now mind you, I ain't the type of person that loves drama. That loves to see others suffer at the expense of my words. I am however, the type or woman that will say what is on my mind, regardless if it hurts peoples feelings. Its about tellin' the truth, and well some people don't know how to handle things for what they are.
I don't understand women who use their children against these men, who are trying to be there for that child. Whats the definition of a DEAD BEAT DAD? Hell DEAD BEAT Parent in general..........its a person who is unwilling to be active in their child's life, financially and emotionally. Someone who has no intentions of building a relationship with a child they conceived.
Understand this! I know what its like to have a TRUE Deadbeat Dad involved with my children. I experienced it first hand, the nigga don't want no part in his son/daughter's life. They only want to come around for ME, they could give a damn about that child. They use that child to try and squirm their way back into a relationship with me. They don't pay shit! They ARE on child support and constantly change their jobs to avoid helping in the costs for their child. They never call, they never attempt to be involved. I watched this same man...be there for two other women's children. It hurt me to see this, but God knows whats best for my child. And as a GROWN ASS woman, its not for me to tell this nigga to get off his ass and take care of his responsibilities. I've never called him OVER and OVER asking for money, clothes, etc. But one thing I can say, outside of it all.........even when this man wasn't helping financially, I NEVER told him he couldn't see his child.
With that said, I have sat back and kept my mouth shut on things. I figured thats not for me to speak upon. But when my children and well even I am brought into the conversation.....well its time to say something. Lets get things straight, and my friends/family know this firsthand..........there is no man...that takes care of my children. It is ME, Amanda Ramos...........paying for the daycare costs, clothes on their backs, food on the table, the bills to make sure we have a roof over our heads. But I will say this, the person I am with now....we decided we wanted to build something more, in fact...we are planning on getting married, so with that said yes, we are both working towards the goals we have set for our family. And thats all children involved. Not just mine, his as well. I think I'm starting to realize something, this person who is so set on making him feel horrible for finding someone that makes him happy.........still has feelings for him. It has to be that. Its okay though, God don't like ugly and well with all the suffering she is trying to put on him, it will come back to her. Due time.
I don't understand women who use their children against these men, who are trying to be there for that child. Whats the definition of a DEAD BEAT DAD? Hell DEAD BEAT Parent in general..........its a person who is unwilling to be active in their child's life, financially and emotionally. Someone who has no intentions of building a relationship with a child they conceived.
Understand this! I know what its like to have a TRUE Deadbeat Dad involved with my children. I experienced it first hand, the nigga don't want no part in his son/daughter's life. They only want to come around for ME, they could give a damn about that child. They use that child to try and squirm their way back into a relationship with me. They don't pay shit! They ARE on child support and constantly change their jobs to avoid helping in the costs for their child. They never call, they never attempt to be involved. I watched this same man...be there for two other women's children. It hurt me to see this, but God knows whats best for my child. And as a GROWN ASS woman, its not for me to tell this nigga to get off his ass and take care of his responsibilities. I've never called him OVER and OVER asking for money, clothes, etc. But one thing I can say, outside of it all.........even when this man wasn't helping financially, I NEVER told him he couldn't see his child.
With that said, I have sat back and kept my mouth shut on things. I figured thats not for me to speak upon. But when my children and well even I am brought into the conversation.....well its time to say something. Lets get things straight, and my friends/family know this firsthand..........there is no man...that takes care of my children. It is ME, Amanda Ramos...........paying for the daycare costs, clothes on their backs, food on the table, the bills to make sure we have a roof over our heads. But I will say this, the person I am with now....we decided we wanted to build something more, in fact...we are planning on getting married, so with that said yes, we are both working towards the goals we have set for our family. And thats all children involved. Not just mine, his as well. I think I'm starting to realize something, this person who is so set on making him feel horrible for finding someone that makes him happy.........still has feelings for him. It has to be that. Its okay though, God don't like ugly and well with all the suffering she is trying to put on him, it will come back to her. Due time.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Life Lately
Hola all my fam and friends...
Well with me, things are going good. I started back with school again this week. Not so bad so far. I'm enjoying it right now but I know I'm not looking forward to writing essays...which is something I will have to do as the final assignment. I'm sure I will get through it.
Next, regarding work. I LOVE MY JOB! I knew the day I walked in there it was going to be a great place to work. Yes, their not completely organized because they just started this new product that I am working on. For those who don't know, I work in the medical insurance business processing medical and hospital claims. So this product is based on the Medicare plan. But because I have the previous experience from the job I started at down here in Houston...its worked out beautifully regarding what we're getting trained to do. Since I was doing it beforehand at my previous job. I've been doing lots of OT and managed to get my hours in during the week so I could have the weekend off. Not like I'll be doing much, other than cleaning, running some errands and school work.
My babies will be here soon! I'm so excited, only two more weeks. I gotta get their room in order and clothes washed. I ordered Aries school uniforms yesterday so they will be here before he gets here. Still have to get him some school supplies but it shouldn't be too bad, since I took a look at the list of his stuff needed for him going into 2nd grade. Crazy! The thought that my son is going to be in 2nd grade...wow, it came quickly. One more year and Natalya will be in pre-k. I've been counting that school year down since she was born, 2008-2009. Hahaha! Then all my babies will be in school.
Next, I feel bad for my sweety David...he misses home so much, but mainly his son. Its been six months since he's seen his son and I feel really bad. I wish DJ could come up here and visit with his dad, but somewhere in the midst of this we'll set it up where David can go down and visit for the weekend. I know he needs it and I completely understand how much pain it brings to his heart not being a part of his son's life every single day. I've asked him about moving back to New Orleans, just to be closer to his son. He would love that, but he knows how I am with my own family. Its a hard decision, we both will have to come to. Especially now that we both have some really great jobs and things are coming together financially all the way around.
I love David with all my heart and I know he wants so badly to have his son near him. Its just hard being further from my own family. But then again, if I have my own children with me, then it shouldn't matter. Just a lot of things to think of regarding a move like that. I don't know what kind of jobs are down there in my field or what the pay is considering I'm making really good money here. Just a lot to consider....
So thats my lil' update...........laters and love ya'll.
Well with me, things are going good. I started back with school again this week. Not so bad so far. I'm enjoying it right now but I know I'm not looking forward to writing essays...which is something I will have to do as the final assignment. I'm sure I will get through it.
Next, regarding work. I LOVE MY JOB! I knew the day I walked in there it was going to be a great place to work. Yes, their not completely organized because they just started this new product that I am working on. For those who don't know, I work in the medical insurance business processing medical and hospital claims. So this product is based on the Medicare plan. But because I have the previous experience from the job I started at down here in Houston...its worked out beautifully regarding what we're getting trained to do. Since I was doing it beforehand at my previous job. I've been doing lots of OT and managed to get my hours in during the week so I could have the weekend off. Not like I'll be doing much, other than cleaning, running some errands and school work.
My babies will be here soon! I'm so excited, only two more weeks. I gotta get their room in order and clothes washed. I ordered Aries school uniforms yesterday so they will be here before he gets here. Still have to get him some school supplies but it shouldn't be too bad, since I took a look at the list of his stuff needed for him going into 2nd grade. Crazy! The thought that my son is going to be in 2nd grade...wow, it came quickly. One more year and Natalya will be in pre-k. I've been counting that school year down since she was born, 2008-2009. Hahaha! Then all my babies will be in school.
Next, I feel bad for my sweety David...he misses home so much, but mainly his son. Its been six months since he's seen his son and I feel really bad. I wish DJ could come up here and visit with his dad, but somewhere in the midst of this we'll set it up where David can go down and visit for the weekend. I know he needs it and I completely understand how much pain it brings to his heart not being a part of his son's life every single day. I've asked him about moving back to New Orleans, just to be closer to his son. He would love that, but he knows how I am with my own family. Its a hard decision, we both will have to come to. Especially now that we both have some really great jobs and things are coming together financially all the way around.
I love David with all my heart and I know he wants so badly to have his son near him. Its just hard being further from my own family. But then again, if I have my own children with me, then it shouldn't matter. Just a lot of things to think of regarding a move like that. I don't know what kind of jobs are down there in my field or what the pay is considering I'm making really good money here. Just a lot to consider....
So thats my lil' update...........laters and love ya'll.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
La la laaaaa!
^^^ That was me singing...
So lets see whats going on with Ms. Amanda right now....doing good, got a new jobby-job. I quit my other one for this one.......don't get it twisted. LOL. Plus this one is right around the corner from my hizzouusee and I'm making more money, yeppers! Imagine that...more money? I've been there for almost 2 weeks, and I have to admit as soon as I walked in the doors to that place I fell in love with it. I'm lovin' it! Unlike my last job, I completely hated the place plus I was driving across town.......so I'm saving so much money in gas and on toll road fees. I can walk to work.....haha! Like that will happen. LOL.
Oh, and I start back with school again on July 30th....took a break for a minute to get some things in order. Getting excited to do that, but then again...I'm not looking forward to the essay writing. Uggh. But I need to get back in and on track again. Plus a woman gets some dough for going to school. I like them excess fund checks.......I need 'em. Haha.
Next, the kiddos will be home finally! I miss my babies. I just went to Austin this past weekend and got to see them two weekends in a row. It was nice, but then again the rest of the family, I could have done with out. LOL. My mama be workin' my nerves at times. So as of August 17th, my babies will be here. I'm on the search for daycare at good rates. Aarrrggghhh! I'm sure I'll have a place by the time school starts though. Things will work out.
Regarding my love life, VERY happy. What can I say, I love my man. He treats me like the spoiled brat I am. LOL. And it ain't just about spending money on me, because thats just stupid to me. But he cooks me dinner, majority of the time. He thinks of me in so many ways, takes care of me. Its a wonderful feeling, just being with someone on the same page. And I ain't trying to brag, but damn.....I can't help it. I got a good man....something I wasn't seeking when I came upon him. Its crazy how it just fell into that. Lets just say, he loves me good! And its funny, all my girls be telling me how I got a good man....or even my girl Tasha tellin' my mom how she needs to find out where to pick her up a David. Haha........
Things are good.....
So lets see whats going on with Ms. Amanda right now....doing good, got a new jobby-job. I quit my other one for this one.......don't get it twisted. LOL. Plus this one is right around the corner from my hizzouusee and I'm making more money, yeppers! Imagine that...more money? I've been there for almost 2 weeks, and I have to admit as soon as I walked in the doors to that place I fell in love with it. I'm lovin' it! Unlike my last job, I completely hated the place plus I was driving across town.......so I'm saving so much money in gas and on toll road fees. I can walk to work.....haha! Like that will happen. LOL.
Oh, and I start back with school again on July 30th....took a break for a minute to get some things in order. Getting excited to do that, but then again...I'm not looking forward to the essay writing. Uggh. But I need to get back in and on track again. Plus a woman gets some dough for going to school. I like them excess fund checks.......I need 'em. Haha.
Next, the kiddos will be home finally! I miss my babies. I just went to Austin this past weekend and got to see them two weekends in a row. It was nice, but then again the rest of the family, I could have done with out. LOL. My mama be workin' my nerves at times. So as of August 17th, my babies will be here. I'm on the search for daycare at good rates. Aarrrggghhh! I'm sure I'll have a place by the time school starts though. Things will work out.
Regarding my love life, VERY happy. What can I say, I love my man. He treats me like the spoiled brat I am. LOL. And it ain't just about spending money on me, because thats just stupid to me. But he cooks me dinner, majority of the time. He thinks of me in so many ways, takes care of me. Its a wonderful feeling, just being with someone on the same page. And I ain't trying to brag, but damn.....I can't help it. I got a good man....something I wasn't seeking when I came upon him. Its crazy how it just fell into that. Lets just say, he loves me good! And its funny, all my girls be telling me how I got a good man....or even my girl Tasha tellin' my mom how she needs to find out where to pick her up a David. Haha........
Things are good.....
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Sigh........
I'm not feeling up to par lately. Just feeling so extra emotional. I miss home, but I also enjoy it here. Mainly, I miss my babies. I was going to see them this weekend, but money is tight and its getting to me again. Its amazing how money can affect a person so much. Especially when you don't have it. I mean, I got my bills paid...its just the doing the extras thats getting to me. Its okay, I know in a few weeks things will be in order. Just gotta get to that point again. I miss my babies so much. Hopefully something can be worked out for my cousin to watch them and they will be here for awhile longer.
Outside of that, me and D are doing well. Thats my sweety and we're happy. We're making it. Things are fallin' into place for him...and well I'm getting use to my job. I know he misses the kids as well as his lil' one. I haven't had a chance to meet his baby boy, but I know if he's anything like his daddy...he's a sweetheart as well. I just think of him and Nati getting the chance to meet and play. Lord....two 3-year olds running around the house. Haha! It would be nice to have him come down and visit. I know he'd have so much fun.
Next on the agenda...No real plans for the 4th of July. Just going to work, since we get paid time and a half plus our holiday pay. I need the money anyways...that will be a major check for me. And I need some big checks again. I want to go clothes shopping for the kids, as well as myself. Hell, I gotta get Aries school clothes. But I know it will be easier since they do uniforms here. I just want to shop....shhhh, lol. I thrive off of being able to buy new clothes or new shoes....or some sort of jewelry. And I've been lacking that since moving, unable to do much since mid-last year due to getting things back in order and paying off debt. But I'm doing better than I was...which was struggling, now I'm just broke from paying bills. LOL. Thats one step ahead.
Ever feel like you wish you could be a kid again? Damnnn those were the days, no real worries. LOL. I didn't realize until I got older all the shit my mama dealt with. Now she chillin'....since all her kids are grown, but she does help us out still. Her and my dad have always been there for me..and my siblings. Helping where they can.
Ohhh, I'm listening to this ol' school music. I love it! Hmmm, what to do tonight since I'm dead ass broke? Might go with sweety while he does some stuff at the studio. I dunno though...In the meantime, ya girl is catching up on some reading of Harry Potter, since the movie is coming out VERY soon. Damn shame, but them books and movies are good! LOL. Anywho....laters.
Outside of that, me and D are doing well. Thats my sweety and we're happy. We're making it. Things are fallin' into place for him...and well I'm getting use to my job. I know he misses the kids as well as his lil' one. I haven't had a chance to meet his baby boy, but I know if he's anything like his daddy...he's a sweetheart as well. I just think of him and Nati getting the chance to meet and play. Lord....two 3-year olds running around the house. Haha! It would be nice to have him come down and visit. I know he'd have so much fun.
Next on the agenda...No real plans for the 4th of July. Just going to work, since we get paid time and a half plus our holiday pay. I need the money anyways...that will be a major check for me. And I need some big checks again. I want to go clothes shopping for the kids, as well as myself. Hell, I gotta get Aries school clothes. But I know it will be easier since they do uniforms here. I just want to shop....shhhh, lol. I thrive off of being able to buy new clothes or new shoes....or some sort of jewelry. And I've been lacking that since moving, unable to do much since mid-last year due to getting things back in order and paying off debt. But I'm doing better than I was...which was struggling, now I'm just broke from paying bills. LOL. Thats one step ahead.
Ever feel like you wish you could be a kid again? Damnnn those were the days, no real worries. LOL. I didn't realize until I got older all the shit my mama dealt with. Now she chillin'....since all her kids are grown, but she does help us out still. Her and my dad have always been there for me..and my siblings. Helping where they can.
Ohhh, I'm listening to this ol' school music. I love it! Hmmm, what to do tonight since I'm dead ass broke? Might go with sweety while he does some stuff at the studio. I dunno though...In the meantime, ya girl is catching up on some reading of Harry Potter, since the movie is coming out VERY soon. Damn shame, but them books and movies are good! LOL. Anywho....laters.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
It Amazes Me...LOL.
I've never really dealt with many hata's in my life...but it truly amazes me how people cannot get past things. I moved past it, hell...I got my closure and now there's a new chapter in my life. I'm happy. VERY happy! I found someone that I love and basically compliments me. We are on the same page, it ain't about games or all that other bullshit. So why are certain people still coming on my page, still worried about what I'm doing, and still trying to voice an opinion on things I have chose to do? Muchless the person I'm with...Jealousy and envy is a muthafucka! Thats all I have to say for those people still on my pussy about what I'm doing....
Yes, I realize....a certain person basically married someone thats a downgrade for themselves. Hell, I'm flattered that I was an upgrade for ya. LOL. Shit, its too bad you are that unhappy with a decision or mistake you made in your life that you gotta find other upgradable women.........lmao.
But for those who are still upset, believe my Mr. New Orleans was an upgrade. He's a real man...and is handling his business....was handling them prior to US gettin' together.
You ain't got shit on him....you can't help but be a hata.......your life sucks, your a loser. Hell you ain't even got your own ride. You can't even get a REAL job other than some temp jobs....I feel ya, I'd be jealous and envious as well....Here's a woman doing shit on her own, got her own damn car, making more money than you, shit...had two job offers before she came here that were PERMANENT and with benefits. Moved away from family/friends...Got her own spot and handling her business with two kids. Yeah...I'd be jealous too.....and your a man, whats the problem? You ain't on that level and never will be.....keep livin' off ya wifey and her family...
One day...when you ready to be a REAL man...instead of a lying, cheating, no good nigga....you'll see what needs to be done and then be blessed. Until then, keep reading my page....and keep feelin' that anger. I know what all the comments are about....your mad at me, your angry with me. But the thing is sweetie...you need to re-direct that anger to yourself, it was you tryin' to be a playa. How the fuck you gonna be a playa and you tryin' to have a relationship with a bitch? LMAO. Can't play a playa.......remember that. Haha...
I appreciate the shit you put me through. Yeah I caught some feelings for you, not enough to stop talking to other dudes...but enough to open up my heart to allow you to hurt me. Our situation taught me some things, I learned from it and took what I needed. I got my closure...and I've moved on. Why can't you just accept it, and move on yourself? Damn shame....Well I'm going to pray for you, hopefully you lose that anger and find your happiness...LUV.
Yes, I realize....a certain person basically married someone thats a downgrade for themselves. Hell, I'm flattered that I was an upgrade for ya. LOL. Shit, its too bad you are that unhappy with a decision or mistake you made in your life that you gotta find other upgradable women.........lmao.
But for those who are still upset, believe my Mr. New Orleans was an upgrade. He's a real man...and is handling his business....was handling them prior to US gettin' together.
You ain't got shit on him....you can't help but be a hata.......your life sucks, your a loser. Hell you ain't even got your own ride. You can't even get a REAL job other than some temp jobs....I feel ya, I'd be jealous and envious as well....Here's a woman doing shit on her own, got her own damn car, making more money than you, shit...had two job offers before she came here that were PERMANENT and with benefits. Moved away from family/friends...Got her own spot and handling her business with two kids. Yeah...I'd be jealous too.....and your a man, whats the problem? You ain't on that level and never will be.....keep livin' off ya wifey and her family...
One day...when you ready to be a REAL man...instead of a lying, cheating, no good nigga....you'll see what needs to be done and then be blessed. Until then, keep reading my page....and keep feelin' that anger. I know what all the comments are about....your mad at me, your angry with me. But the thing is sweetie...you need to re-direct that anger to yourself, it was you tryin' to be a playa. How the fuck you gonna be a playa and you tryin' to have a relationship with a bitch? LMAO. Can't play a playa.......remember that. Haha...
I appreciate the shit you put me through. Yeah I caught some feelings for you, not enough to stop talking to other dudes...but enough to open up my heart to allow you to hurt me. Our situation taught me some things, I learned from it and took what I needed. I got my closure...and I've moved on. Why can't you just accept it, and move on yourself? Damn shame....Well I'm going to pray for you, hopefully you lose that anger and find your happiness...LUV.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Hidin' Out..Jus a lil'
Yeah, its been revealed. I found someone that I can say has made an imprint on me. We're together...officially, it was made official back around Memorial Day weekend. Its amazing how one event can change into something else. All my girls been asking who this person is, cause yes...I've been keeping it under wraps. It was an inner battle, trying to figure out what was right for me. But I realized I didn't want to let him go.
Since then, we been hidin' out together..........LORD! I love spending time with this man. Every single day, we together. Its about US! Not just him and me seperate. We are on that same page together...and I'm luvin' every single moment of it. I miss him when he leaves to handle some business as far as his music........crazy, never thought I'd be that into a person LOL. I've never been like that. I know he ain't out there doing nothin' he shouldn't be, but I just want to spend every spare moment with him. Its madd crazy havin' feelin's like this again and we both like this. I guess its that LOVE bug....haha. He's my sweetie........he treats me soooo good. Ya'll have no idea.
Outside of that, I've been going back and forth about going back to Austin or not. Mainly due to daycare issues. My sweetie says he's willin' to go where ever I choose, but then I still have this lease and I'm not sure I want to throw in the towel so easily regarding living in Houston. I think the main issue is I miss my family and friends in Austin. My grandparents are finally back in Texas, staying with my parents. I just miss the family...and believe me, I'm very close to my family so being up here in Houston is making it hard. But I wanted to spread my wings and do things on my own. In the mean time, I managed to meet someone special. Crazy...but Sweetie and I talked...we're gonna stick it out here in Houston. Do what we gotta do to make things work for daycare, etc. I can say I'm happy...and VERY content with things at this point in my life.
Since then, we been hidin' out together..........LORD! I love spending time with this man. Every single day, we together. Its about US! Not just him and me seperate. We are on that same page together...and I'm luvin' every single moment of it. I miss him when he leaves to handle some business as far as his music........crazy, never thought I'd be that into a person LOL. I've never been like that. I know he ain't out there doing nothin' he shouldn't be, but I just want to spend every spare moment with him. Its madd crazy havin' feelin's like this again and we both like this. I guess its that LOVE bug....haha. He's my sweetie........he treats me soooo good. Ya'll have no idea.
Outside of that, I've been going back and forth about going back to Austin or not. Mainly due to daycare issues. My sweetie says he's willin' to go where ever I choose, but then I still have this lease and I'm not sure I want to throw in the towel so easily regarding living in Houston. I think the main issue is I miss my family and friends in Austin. My grandparents are finally back in Texas, staying with my parents. I just miss the family...and believe me, I'm very close to my family so being up here in Houston is making it hard. But I wanted to spread my wings and do things on my own. In the mean time, I managed to meet someone special. Crazy...but Sweetie and I talked...we're gonna stick it out here in Houston. Do what we gotta do to make things work for daycare, etc. I can say I'm happy...and VERY content with things at this point in my life.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Rainy Days
I'm telling you, those are the best days. Its memorial day weekend and I was supposed to take the kids to the zoo. My girl Tasha came down, it was nice to see her again. Its been a few months. I missed her. I keep telling her ass to get a myspace page. Especially if my other best friend could get one...lol. We didn't do the zoo, but we ate a lot. LOL. Chilled in the house the entire weekend. My head is pounding and I've been dealing with a sinus infection. I was on that hydrocodeine for the past few days. Out of it...basically. LOL. But at least it was raining out side...........love them days. Seriously...
Other than that...a woman is in love...my baby is asleep on the couch right now. Damn shame...lol. Yes, I had all that drama with Mr. Punk...but that was for good reason, not because I wanted him back. Nope, other reasons. I am with someone, he makes me happy...we took our time getting to this point in our relationship and I'm glad we're there. Its funny, I never thought we would be together. It just progressed into something wonderful. He's a good man, very good. He loves me and I've felt it since early on...when we first started talking/dating. He's my sweetie......
Other than that...a woman is in love...my baby is asleep on the couch right now. Damn shame...lol. Yes, I had all that drama with Mr. Punk...but that was for good reason, not because I wanted him back. Nope, other reasons. I am with someone, he makes me happy...we took our time getting to this point in our relationship and I'm glad we're there. Its funny, I never thought we would be together. It just progressed into something wonderful. He's a good man, very good. He loves me and I've felt it since early on...when we first started talking/dating. He's my sweetie......
Monday, May 21, 2007
Bwahaha..Caught Up?
LMAO! So today, Mr. Punk got caught up in all ways possible. What happened? I sent a note to one of the side chics on here, she contacted his wife...and well, we all met up at Olive Garden...........His face, that was the kicker. No words from him now. Funny thing is...he kept his mouth shut while we were all there in his face....and now the nigga want to threaten people over text and talk shit? What a bitch.........LMAO! Just funny as hell to watch someone get caught up. Well JB...you said maybe we needed to see each other one last time to make sure of how we felt for one another, for closure. Well, I got my closure...thank you!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
A Set Back...
I had one...and yet again, I'm the one left looking stupid...and crying. Crazy, after all this time...I'm still willing to allow that. That should tell me something, I shouldn't hurt while loving someone. Love don't hurt....maybe this is a reminder for why it ended and a reminder to show me, he's not worth it.
Outside of that...He's helped me realize some things....he's my reminder of what I don't want in a man. The reminder of what God has planned for me. God has a path for me, God has that man for me...I' ve met him. I'm just so scared to move on, to give my heart to someone new and have them do me the same way he did me. Have me crying like this. My man doesn't make me cry, he doesn't want me to hurt. He just wants to love me and I just keep pushing him away for an idiot who couldn't see what he had. I was made for him...why didn't I see this, why was I falling back into ol' dude's meaningless words? Why? I have someone that truly loves me for me...someone that wants to marry me and be with me and the kids for the rest of his life.
Thank you for waking me up dear friend...yes you know who you are and what you did this evening. You reminded me....thank you.
Outside of that...He's helped me realize some things....he's my reminder of what I don't want in a man. The reminder of what God has planned for me. God has a path for me, God has that man for me...I' ve met him. I'm just so scared to move on, to give my heart to someone new and have them do me the same way he did me. Have me crying like this. My man doesn't make me cry, he doesn't want me to hurt. He just wants to love me and I just keep pushing him away for an idiot who couldn't see what he had. I was made for him...why didn't I see this, why was I falling back into ol' dude's meaningless words? Why? I have someone that truly loves me for me...someone that wants to marry me and be with me and the kids for the rest of his life.
Thank you for waking me up dear friend...yes you know who you are and what you did this evening. You reminded me....thank you.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Long Time, No Blog
Well lets see, I've been stressing myself out for no apparent reason. Just letting things at the new job get to me. Not sure why either, its a job. Usually I'm not that type of person. I just learned things, the hard way. LMAO. Cause my ass is so stubborn and gotta see for myself. But hey, thats part of growing and maturing as an adult. I admit, I miss my old job...to those who work for my old job, realize and be grateful for where you work. It could be worse elsewhere. LMAO. I'm saying my old job straight SPOILED US! Thats not saying the current one is totally bad, but I just know I'd prefer working for a smaller company than a bigger one any day. But I'm going to bare with it, do my job the best way possible and do what I gotta do. Handle my business.
Next, I got to spend two whole weeks with my baby girl. That girl is crazy! I swear she really is ADHD, hahaha. Literally bouncing off the walls, ask my girl Mo and her fam. They seen it. But she's a smart lil' girl. Everyone was surprised she just barely turned 3 years old. But thats just due to being around older kids all the time.
On another note, my daughter's father is getting on my nerves. Makes no damn sense. He wants us back together of course, we've been a part for 2 years now. I admit, I love the attention I get from him. I know he still wants me and sometimes I use that. Its mean as hell, but why not. He did a lot of horrible things to me. And I know that ain't right and I've been working on NOT doing certain things. I give him false hope, reality is...I don't want him, and I don't see myself with him. He's undependable, he's an idiot, I can't talk to him. He's very annoying and irritating most of the time. I don't know why I was even involved with him. But being young and naive, your blind to that shit. He's over here now (at my mom's), but he's really here for me. He never comes to see these kids unless I'm around. Damn shame!
Next, I've been really good...not talking to that one person at all. Emotionally things have improved a lot. I'm happy again not dealing with that drama. The only thing is, all the heartache in the past year has caused me to literally shut down emotionally. I know this and I feel it. I've met some cool people while being in Houston. Like Mr. D...he's an absolute sweetheart. I love chillin' with him, we get along great. Not sure if he wants more with me, sometimes it feels like it. But I'm not ready to be with anyone. I know I've built up these walls around me and can say I don't feel much for anyone. I don't want to be with anyone, I don't want to give myself again. I'm just chillin'.......I don't know how to describe it, like I want to feel again but its not coming out. Something is literally stopping the feelings. I have to admit, I've never had that happen before. Then there's other things happening in my life......only few know of and I highly doubt I'll put up here for the time being. I'll reveal it when the time is right to me.
Ugggh...just listening to Tony in there with the kids. He's so ignorant and ghetto. I have no patience for that bullshit. He's huggin' me now and as I type this...it really makes my skin crawl. Just grosses me out....thank God he moved away. LMAO! I know, I'm hella mean. Like with all my other ex's....the thought of messing with them again just is disgusting. You get so infatuated with a person and then afterwards wonder what the hell was I thinking? Lol.
I'll be going home soon today, can't wait. When I'm at my mom's...just the loud yelling and noise gets to me. I can't take it. Has me ready to pull my hair out. The whole two weeks Nati was with me, I never really heard her cry...but soon as we get here, ONE DAY and she's ballin' her eyes out. I love my family but damn! Lol.
Anywho...thats things lately. No real drama, just a lil' bit of venting.
Next, I got to spend two whole weeks with my baby girl. That girl is crazy! I swear she really is ADHD, hahaha. Literally bouncing off the walls, ask my girl Mo and her fam. They seen it. But she's a smart lil' girl. Everyone was surprised she just barely turned 3 years old. But thats just due to being around older kids all the time.
On another note, my daughter's father is getting on my nerves. Makes no damn sense. He wants us back together of course, we've been a part for 2 years now. I admit, I love the attention I get from him. I know he still wants me and sometimes I use that. Its mean as hell, but why not. He did a lot of horrible things to me. And I know that ain't right and I've been working on NOT doing certain things. I give him false hope, reality is...I don't want him, and I don't see myself with him. He's undependable, he's an idiot, I can't talk to him. He's very annoying and irritating most of the time. I don't know why I was even involved with him. But being young and naive, your blind to that shit. He's over here now (at my mom's), but he's really here for me. He never comes to see these kids unless I'm around. Damn shame!
Next, I've been really good...not talking to that one person at all. Emotionally things have improved a lot. I'm happy again not dealing with that drama. The only thing is, all the heartache in the past year has caused me to literally shut down emotionally. I know this and I feel it. I've met some cool people while being in Houston. Like Mr. D...he's an absolute sweetheart. I love chillin' with him, we get along great. Not sure if he wants more with me, sometimes it feels like it. But I'm not ready to be with anyone. I know I've built up these walls around me and can say I don't feel much for anyone. I don't want to be with anyone, I don't want to give myself again. I'm just chillin'.......I don't know how to describe it, like I want to feel again but its not coming out. Something is literally stopping the feelings. I have to admit, I've never had that happen before. Then there's other things happening in my life......only few know of and I highly doubt I'll put up here for the time being. I'll reveal it when the time is right to me.
Ugggh...just listening to Tony in there with the kids. He's so ignorant and ghetto. I have no patience for that bullshit. He's huggin' me now and as I type this...it really makes my skin crawl. Just grosses me out....thank God he moved away. LMAO! I know, I'm hella mean. Like with all my other ex's....the thought of messing with them again just is disgusting. You get so infatuated with a person and then afterwards wonder what the hell was I thinking? Lol.
I'll be going home soon today, can't wait. When I'm at my mom's...just the loud yelling and noise gets to me. I can't take it. Has me ready to pull my hair out. The whole two weeks Nati was with me, I never really heard her cry...but soon as we get here, ONE DAY and she's ballin' her eyes out. I love my family but damn! Lol.
Anywho...thats things lately. No real drama, just a lil' bit of venting.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Life Lately...
Well I'm spending time with the kiddo's here at my mom's. Damn, I definitely think Nati is ADHD. LOL. That girl was literally bouncing off the freakin' walls with excitement to see me. But I missed her and Aries both. My son is so skinny, I'm like damnnn. Lol. He got his haircut last weekend and looks so good. I need to upload the pics I took. I wanted to take pics of them doing an easter egg hunt outside but its been raining like a mofo here in Austin and its hella cold. Natalya will be home with me for two weeks, can't wait.
Outside of that, just dealing with drama regarding that idiot. He seen what I posted here and texted me...with a "FUCK YOURSELF"....lmao. He don't realize, that shit just cracks me up. Then he's on my messageboards trying to make me look like I'm a dumbass because he was playing me. Well how do you play someone that knows whats happening? I mean, I chose to be in it even after finding out he was married? Worse part is, if he was playing me...why was I still acting like a single woman the entire time? LMAO. Its called filling up time til the one you want comes along...duh! Or as my boy Mr. D. would say, just another employee. Hahaha. (Remember what I said Mr. Punk, I was waiting on you to break it off........remember, there's always a reason for what I say).
Anywho, so I'm doing pretty good in Houston. Money is tight but I know God will come through for me, he's been here this entire time guiding me through things. Just when I thought things were going to be really bad, he made a way. And I was talking to my boy Mr. Scottie about things, he always gives me inspirational words to make it. I appreciate it so much as well. Sometimes you need those positive folks in your life. I had to let go of the negative and the stress involved with them. It took some strength but I did it with my family and friends in my life. Ya'll helped a woman make it, believe that. I love ya'll so much. You know the real me....
I can't wait to get out on the floor, training is almost done. I need my overtime. Lord knows I do. Lol. There's a lot of things happening in my life this year, good things and I'm lookin' forward to them....
*SMILES BIG*
Laters folks....
Outside of that, just dealing with drama regarding that idiot. He seen what I posted here and texted me...with a "FUCK YOURSELF"....lmao. He don't realize, that shit just cracks me up. Then he's on my messageboards trying to make me look like I'm a dumbass because he was playing me. Well how do you play someone that knows whats happening? I mean, I chose to be in it even after finding out he was married? Worse part is, if he was playing me...why was I still acting like a single woman the entire time? LMAO. Its called filling up time til the one you want comes along...duh! Or as my boy Mr. D. would say, just another employee. Hahaha. (Remember what I said Mr. Punk, I was waiting on you to break it off........remember, there's always a reason for what I say).
Anywho, so I'm doing pretty good in Houston. Money is tight but I know God will come through for me, he's been here this entire time guiding me through things. Just when I thought things were going to be really bad, he made a way. And I was talking to my boy Mr. Scottie about things, he always gives me inspirational words to make it. I appreciate it so much as well. Sometimes you need those positive folks in your life. I had to let go of the negative and the stress involved with them. It took some strength but I did it with my family and friends in my life. Ya'll helped a woman make it, believe that. I love ya'll so much. You know the real me....
I can't wait to get out on the floor, training is almost done. I need my overtime. Lord knows I do. Lol. There's a lot of things happening in my life this year, good things and I'm lookin' forward to them....
*SMILES BIG*
Laters folks....
Monday, April 2, 2007
Coldhearted?!
The nerve of this bastard to call ME cold hearted ____? Well fuck him! I'm cold hearted.........I didn't break anyone's heart in two, I didn't lie about shit I was doing. I gave me to this man who lied and he's upset at me because I won't let things be how they once were. FUCK YOU JB! Leave me the fuck alone! I'm so through with your fuckin' ass.........I don't want shit to do with you. You say I'm crazy, why because I took it upon myself to find out what you were NOT man enough to tell me or any other woman that crosses your path. Yet I'm cold hearted and crazy? Did you see me call your fuckin' wife or find your home to confront her? Did you see me do any crazy ass shit like that??? NO! Even after the fact of you hurting me more...I told you I would never use that number, yet I'm the coldhearted bitch?
Do you feel anything other than for yourself? Your a selfish bastard, you will pay for everything you've done to me and even your wife and children. Your a selfish asshole who deserves all the bad that God hands your way. I'm going to pray for you and those who encounter your selfishness.
Leave me the fuck alone..........and I swear to God, this is the last time I ever mention you again on here. You don't exist to me anymore.
WARNING! To all the women who encounter this man...James Henry Bailey, Jr....he is a married man and has been since February 2003 to a woman named Erica. He's nothing but a lying munipulative selfish asshole. He claims that this woman is only his baby mama and he's helping her out in a situation. Reality is...he's married and has no intentions of divorcing her. Want proof to verify his marriage...click the link below:
http://www.cclerk.hctx.net/coolice/default.asp?Category=MarriageLic&Service=ma_inquiry
Do you feel anything other than for yourself? Your a selfish bastard, you will pay for everything you've done to me and even your wife and children. Your a selfish asshole who deserves all the bad that God hands your way. I'm going to pray for you and those who encounter your selfishness.
Leave me the fuck alone..........and I swear to God, this is the last time I ever mention you again on here. You don't exist to me anymore.
WARNING! To all the women who encounter this man...James Henry Bailey, Jr....he is a married man and has been since February 2003 to a woman named Erica. He's nothing but a lying munipulative selfish asshole. He claims that this woman is only his baby mama and he's helping her out in a situation. Reality is...he's married and has no intentions of divorcing her. Want proof to verify his marriage...click the link below:
http://www.cclerk.hctx.net/coolice/default.asp?Category=MarriageLic&Service=ma_inquiry
Monday, March 26, 2007
Too Lazy To Cook
Yeah, its just my ass here and I'm so lazy. Damn my potty mouth is gettin' bad. Lol. Anywho so I don't feel like cookin', I need to eat...anyone willin' to hook a woman up with a meal? Any men that have some cookin' skills and want to showcase them? Hahaha.
Nah, but works going good for me here. I'm getting ancy though, ready to learn processing of these claims and be out on the damn floor doing OT so I can bring in some real money. Times are getting hard and I'm stressin'. This move set me back a lil' bit but I know in the end its going to be worth it. But I get real stressed out when it comes to lack of money. Especially after last year? Ohhh weee it was a bad year money wise.
Yes, I'm out mingling.......met some cool ass dudes. And enjoying my singlehood! NO, I ain't pimpin'...cause if I was pimpin' my rent would be paid and well...I wouldn't be talkin' about money issues above ^^. LOL. I wish I had it like that...haha. Outside of that, love ain't entering my heart for quite some time...there's a big ass TIME OUT on it. Yes, I can fall in love easily but only with those who I choose to fall for. Which is rare...I've only said I love you to four people and meant it....believe it or not for those who think I love everyone I come in contact with. Shitttt...lol.
But I'm cool, things will work themselves out. I'm planning on going to my first meeting come Sunday in a long time. Thats where I need to be, back in the Kingdom Hall, studying about the one thing that counts >>> HIM up above. My babygirl will be here with me soon and I can't wait. There's a pool right outside my apartment so I'll be buying her a new bathing suit and we'll be going swimming...and to the playground. Ohhh the simple things 3-year olds enjoy! She loves her mama.......
Ohhh thinkin' of it, gotta upload my new pics of the kiddos. I love my babies, you never know how much you miss people til their not around as much...seriously. Feels like I'm missing out on thangs.....
Nah, but works going good for me here. I'm getting ancy though, ready to learn processing of these claims and be out on the damn floor doing OT so I can bring in some real money. Times are getting hard and I'm stressin'. This move set me back a lil' bit but I know in the end its going to be worth it. But I get real stressed out when it comes to lack of money. Especially after last year? Ohhh weee it was a bad year money wise.
Yes, I'm out mingling.......met some cool ass dudes. And enjoying my singlehood! NO, I ain't pimpin'...cause if I was pimpin' my rent would be paid and well...I wouldn't be talkin' about money issues above ^^. LOL. I wish I had it like that...haha. Outside of that, love ain't entering my heart for quite some time...there's a big ass TIME OUT on it. Yes, I can fall in love easily but only with those who I choose to fall for. Which is rare...I've only said I love you to four people and meant it....believe it or not for those who think I love everyone I come in contact with. Shitttt...lol.
But I'm cool, things will work themselves out. I'm planning on going to my first meeting come Sunday in a long time. Thats where I need to be, back in the Kingdom Hall, studying about the one thing that counts >>> HIM up above. My babygirl will be here with me soon and I can't wait. There's a pool right outside my apartment so I'll be buying her a new bathing suit and we'll be going swimming...and to the playground. Ohhh the simple things 3-year olds enjoy! She loves her mama.......
Ohhh thinkin' of it, gotta upload my new pics of the kiddos. I love my babies, you never know how much you miss people til their not around as much...seriously. Feels like I'm missing out on thangs.....
Friday, March 23, 2007
One Question???
What the fuck is wrong with these dudes out there??? I'm so serious. They are just as bad as females. Have the roles reversed or something. I don't get how a man can hit me up one day, and actually have the nerve and expectations of me ONLY talking to him? I'm like wth? Then you got these niccas trying to come off cool and then be like say can I call you...can I come to your house? WTH? I don't know you and I ain't fuckin' you either. Lol. There's crazy shit that happens here in Houston all the time. I ain't trying to be the next news story here...lol.
But I did come across this cool ass dude, we're friends and I'm enjoying it. We went to the movies the other night and watched Premonition. I can't wait to chill with him again. We got one thing in common, people watching and shit talkin'.......lmao.
I don't know, I talked with my girl Mo...and been thinking of things, I just need to focus on other things which means going back to studying and learning about the bible. Get my head right there, because in the end there's only one real thing that I should hold high value in and it ain't any MAN on this planet. LOL. So hopefully when I get back from Austin this weekend I can attend my first meeting in long time.
I just don't get some of these men I'm coming across lately, their throwed off in the head. Getting upset cause I don't call. Just trippin'.....or second-guessing me and my own motives. Why? Or maybe I'm just reading to much into things. Makes you wonder how the women here in Houston treat their men. Seriously. I just ain't on that level. I just need to stay off there and occupy my time elsewhere...like exercising. LOL. I got an exercise room here in my apartments and haven't used it yet. Sad...I know.
Anywho...hope the rest of ya'll have a great weekend......while I ponder on that bullshit. LOL.
But I did come across this cool ass dude, we're friends and I'm enjoying it. We went to the movies the other night and watched Premonition. I can't wait to chill with him again. We got one thing in common, people watching and shit talkin'.......lmao.
I don't know, I talked with my girl Mo...and been thinking of things, I just need to focus on other things which means going back to studying and learning about the bible. Get my head right there, because in the end there's only one real thing that I should hold high value in and it ain't any MAN on this planet. LOL. So hopefully when I get back from Austin this weekend I can attend my first meeting in long time.
I just don't get some of these men I'm coming across lately, their throwed off in the head. Getting upset cause I don't call. Just trippin'.....or second-guessing me and my own motives. Why? Or maybe I'm just reading to much into things. Makes you wonder how the women here in Houston treat their men. Seriously. I just ain't on that level. I just need to stay off there and occupy my time elsewhere...like exercising. LOL. I got an exercise room here in my apartments and haven't used it yet. Sad...I know.
Anywho...hope the rest of ya'll have a great weekend......while I ponder on that bullshit. LOL.
Monday, March 19, 2007
*Raises Eyebrow*
So, Mr. Punk emails me today.......acting like he didn't just break up with me 3 days before. Like we're all good. I mean, does he not realize how deep he cut me? He's asking me questions about my weekend and what I did and how it was. Like he gives a fuck (he didn't ask these things beforehand), of course I gave him some short answers because whats it any of his business now. I'm hurt still, I mean I felt it coming on because we ain't seen much of each other and things been bad as hell between us (not due to me!). I'm cool with us not being together. I can't force a man to love me or be with me. I admit, I'm hurting somewhat from all this.
But damn! To actually think that I'm going to be all buddy buddy with your ass like we used to be...before crossing that friendship line. Especially 3 days after the fact? WTF? To think I'm going to reveal all my secrets or whats happening in my head to you now? I don't understand that. And what, to have it held against me somewhere down the line? I don't think so, he chose to let me go. He don't get to know whats happening in my life any more. He made that decision, not I. Hell you want to be friends with me, yet I can't even be a friend of yours here on myspace.........yeah, that makes sense.
I'm content with the fact that we will not be together. I'm dealing with that and I want to move on from all this bullshit that I've been dealing with regarding him for the past 4 1/2 months. I just don't understand how a man can think that a woman is going to be completely understanding and happy in a relationship where she's second? To think that the fact that he lied about his situation, she's going to continue trusting him....that a woman is NOT going to have some sort of insecurities. Worst part is he didn't even attempt to make it work...he just pulled back. Its only natural for a person to think there's more lies and deception involved.
If anything, I hope he finds happiness somewhere...and realizes what he's doing and been doing is wrong. Nothing good will come his way til he owns up to his mistakes and starts living the right way. I've asked for forgiveness for the part I played and prayed to the MAN above to take this man out of my heart and mind.......strange thing is I felt it, he wiped my tears when I was ready to break down yet again behind him. Its a work in progress...but I'm slowly lettin' go.
I asked him this evening to please stop contacting me for the sake of my emotions. I can't take the head games or pain anymore. Maybe one day we can be friends again, but right now it ain't happening.
But damn! To actually think that I'm going to be all buddy buddy with your ass like we used to be...before crossing that friendship line. Especially 3 days after the fact? WTF? To think I'm going to reveal all my secrets or whats happening in my head to you now? I don't understand that. And what, to have it held against me somewhere down the line? I don't think so, he chose to let me go. He don't get to know whats happening in my life any more. He made that decision, not I. Hell you want to be friends with me, yet I can't even be a friend of yours here on myspace.........yeah, that makes sense.
I'm content with the fact that we will not be together. I'm dealing with that and I want to move on from all this bullshit that I've been dealing with regarding him for the past 4 1/2 months. I just don't understand how a man can think that a woman is going to be completely understanding and happy in a relationship where she's second? To think that the fact that he lied about his situation, she's going to continue trusting him....that a woman is NOT going to have some sort of insecurities. Worst part is he didn't even attempt to make it work...he just pulled back. Its only natural for a person to think there's more lies and deception involved.
If anything, I hope he finds happiness somewhere...and realizes what he's doing and been doing is wrong. Nothing good will come his way til he owns up to his mistakes and starts living the right way. I've asked for forgiveness for the part I played and prayed to the MAN above to take this man out of my heart and mind.......strange thing is I felt it, he wiped my tears when I was ready to break down yet again behind him. Its a work in progress...but I'm slowly lettin' go.
I asked him this evening to please stop contacting me for the sake of my emotions. I can't take the head games or pain anymore. Maybe one day we can be friends again, but right now it ain't happening.
Hmmmfff
I admit, I miss him. I wonder when these moments will go away. I hate being by myself. I wonder if I miss him because I want someone or if its feelings for him. Who knows. It sorta sucks, one moment the pain is gone...and I'm feeling fine then the next when I can really think of things, its back and my heart is breaking all over again.
Break ups suck!
Break ups suck!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Single Fo' Real Fo' Real?!
Whats up people, so yes...yesterday it was made official amongst ol' dude and I that we part ways. I still want to be cool with him and be friends, hell even have sex from time to time. And at first, I was a bit taken back by it. I felt like crying but then I thought about things...there are a lot of men out here in Houston, men that find me attractive (believe that!). And why not be single now, its like the best time to be. Never know who I could meet, might meet that one in the midst of it all.........
So yes, I'm single..........and willing to mingle. As ol' dude would say it PIMPIN'....its in me, and its ready to come out again. No more of this lovey dovey shit. Fuck love! at this moment and time.......
So yes, I'm single..........and willing to mingle. As ol' dude would say it PIMPIN'....its in me, and its ready to come out again. No more of this lovey dovey shit. Fuck love! at this moment and time.......
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Officially in Houston!
Well I made it here...to Houston as of Sunday. I dunno, things are different here. Its hard being in this apartment alone. I'm not good at being alone, I admit. I miss my kids so much. I miss my family and my friends, I guess just everything I'm familiar with. It hurts me so much right now to be away from everyone. All I can think at the moment is did I make the right decision? But then again, its too late to go back on it now. I'm just feeling so bad not having my kids with me.
Then the one person I thought I'd see, I haven't seen at all. On top of it, I can't even be friends with on here because of some bullshit reasons. I'm just so tired emotionally. Why can't I just have someone in my life that really cares for me the same as I do for them. Someone who wants to spend time with me, as I do with them? I'm just so tired of being treated like shit by men. It hurts to see others with someone they love, and then there's me.........giving all this love for men who can't give it back to me for some reason. Each heart break kills something off inside me more and more.
I'm just so through with everything love and relationships wise. On top of it, being here in Houston is so strange to me. Being around people that I'm not close with. Its so hard and lonely right now......
Then the one person I thought I'd see, I haven't seen at all. On top of it, I can't even be friends with on here because of some bullshit reasons. I'm just so tired emotionally. Why can't I just have someone in my life that really cares for me the same as I do for them. Someone who wants to spend time with me, as I do with them? I'm just so tired of being treated like shit by men. It hurts to see others with someone they love, and then there's me.........giving all this love for men who can't give it back to me for some reason. Each heart break kills something off inside me more and more.
I'm just so through with everything love and relationships wise. On top of it, being here in Houston is so strange to me. Being around people that I'm not close with. Its so hard and lonely right now......
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Whats The Problem?
Lets just say this goes back to last month, and a person I dated prior to Mr. Punk. He hit me up on email one day at work, telling me he hoped I found someone right for me and someone that would make me happy, but he had deleted his myspace page and was doing it out of respect for his current woman. Thats real talk, if thats his real intentions and I can't do nothing but respect that. But at the same time, it hurt. Because not even a week prior to that he was calling me up telling me he missed me, calling my daughter his own. I blew it off as nothing but bullshit. Obviously it was, but to have him tell me he's not going to talk to me no more out of respect for someone new in his life. It hurt. Mainly because he wouldn't make that same sacrafice for me. It cut me deep.
Then, to go through the things with Mr. Punk and my ex-roomie. Just all the lies and deception, the games played...the bullshit. Its brought me down to an all time low emotionally. Here I've put on this happy face, trying to act like I got it together, act like I'm past all these things. I'm not. I admit it. I'm so sick of being hurt and done over by people. Men especially.
Worse, today it hit me that maybe the problem isn't the men. Maybe its me? Could it be? I mean the same things are happening, with different men. Is it me causing this? Am I doing something to sabotage these relationships? Of course my friends would say no Amanda, but then again they ain't the ones listening to me question these men. Its like the fear of being hurt, of being done raggody by someone after giving my heart...takes over and I start questioning and badgering these men. Thats not saying they didn't cause things to trigger it. But it makes me truly wonder what mistakes am I making in all these relationships.
And the reason for these thoughts, because I have had quite a few men tell me I'm a good woman and that they hope nothing but the best for me...that I find the person that makes me happy. Well whats wrong with me then? I couldn't make them happy? What is the problem.........am I ever going to find someone that loves me for me, that can understand what I'm going through. I'm tired of handing my heart over and as soon as I do, they stomp on it. What am I doing wrong with these men? When it boils down to it, I just need to be alone...and I mean alone and deal with being alone. I think I hold fear in that, getting to know Amanda and finding that self-love. I don't think I have.
Then, to go through the things with Mr. Punk and my ex-roomie. Just all the lies and deception, the games played...the bullshit. Its brought me down to an all time low emotionally. Here I've put on this happy face, trying to act like I got it together, act like I'm past all these things. I'm not. I admit it. I'm so sick of being hurt and done over by people. Men especially.
Worse, today it hit me that maybe the problem isn't the men. Maybe its me? Could it be? I mean the same things are happening, with different men. Is it me causing this? Am I doing something to sabotage these relationships? Of course my friends would say no Amanda, but then again they ain't the ones listening to me question these men. Its like the fear of being hurt, of being done raggody by someone after giving my heart...takes over and I start questioning and badgering these men. Thats not saying they didn't cause things to trigger it. But it makes me truly wonder what mistakes am I making in all these relationships.
And the reason for these thoughts, because I have had quite a few men tell me I'm a good woman and that they hope nothing but the best for me...that I find the person that makes me happy. Well whats wrong with me then? I couldn't make them happy? What is the problem.........am I ever going to find someone that loves me for me, that can understand what I'm going through. I'm tired of handing my heart over and as soon as I do, they stomp on it. What am I doing wrong with these men? When it boils down to it, I just need to be alone...and I mean alone and deal with being alone. I think I hold fear in that, getting to know Amanda and finding that self-love. I don't think I have.
Monday, March 5, 2007
No More of the Bullshit!
For my best of friends on here, I've been dealing with some shit for the past few months. Some may think its stupidity, others know the real deal. I'm not a dumb woman, but love and emotions can cause a lot of heartache and make your vision of reality and logic hazy.
I got involved with someone, I thought was single. I thought he was all mine and found out in December he was married. Not because he told me the truth after a year and a half of being friends and almost a year of talking and dating. No, I found out because I took it upon myself to get answers to things that made no sense. Yet, by that time I found myself in love with this man. To the point, that I reduced my self-worth and love to stay with this person. Going through the motions of knowing he's with his family...and listening to the bullshit he had to spit.
I've woken up to it, tried to leave him alone. Yet I found myself going back to him for some sort of reason. But today I realized, I can't do that to myself or even my children. Its them that are being affected the most, watching their mother cry behind a man who most likely never cries over me. Behind a man that is too selfish to see what he has. And I refuse to allow it to happen any more. No longer will I allow someone to treat me in a way that is demeaning to my charactor, my morals or values or my self-worth as a woman. I deserve so much more, someone that loves me as equally as I love them.
I've been praying to God to please help me gather the strength to leave this person alone and take him out of my life. He's opened my eyes and I'm so appreciative of the love and support he's given me through my familly and friends who are aware of this situation. I appreciate those of you, who stuck through this with me. Listening to me cry for the first time and watching me in all the agony that I was going through. Ya'll know I'm a strong person and to see me go through that, I know was heartbreaking. But with that strength ya'll gave.....it helped build me up. I love all of ya'll.
I got involved with someone, I thought was single. I thought he was all mine and found out in December he was married. Not because he told me the truth after a year and a half of being friends and almost a year of talking and dating. No, I found out because I took it upon myself to get answers to things that made no sense. Yet, by that time I found myself in love with this man. To the point, that I reduced my self-worth and love to stay with this person. Going through the motions of knowing he's with his family...and listening to the bullshit he had to spit.
I've woken up to it, tried to leave him alone. Yet I found myself going back to him for some sort of reason. But today I realized, I can't do that to myself or even my children. Its them that are being affected the most, watching their mother cry behind a man who most likely never cries over me. Behind a man that is too selfish to see what he has. And I refuse to allow it to happen any more. No longer will I allow someone to treat me in a way that is demeaning to my charactor, my morals or values or my self-worth as a woman. I deserve so much more, someone that loves me as equally as I love them.
I've been praying to God to please help me gather the strength to leave this person alone and take him out of my life. He's opened my eyes and I'm so appreciative of the love and support he's given me through my familly and friends who are aware of this situation. I appreciate those of you, who stuck through this with me. Listening to me cry for the first time and watching me in all the agony that I was going through. Ya'll know I'm a strong person and to see me go through that, I know was heartbreaking. But with that strength ya'll gave.....it helped build me up. I love all of ya'll.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
A Good Day, Today.
I have to admit today was a good day. I went out of town with my girls I work with. Visited some friends and enjoyed my time. I can't help but think about today and replay it over and over in my head. Just knowing that will probably be the last time I chill with those two for quite some time. It was a nice road trip for us ladies and definitely something to remember.
I'm going to miss working with my girls. I have less than a week to go at my current job. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions. But I'm ready for it, not literally but mentally. I got me a place there in Houston already, its a nice 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment. I'm so excited to be in a new city and job, yet a little scared at the same time. Its going to be me alone for a lil' while and I hate it. I hate leaving my kids here, they'll be with my parents since I need to find daycare. Found out I don't qualify for the daycare cost assistance program there, make too much money. Yeah right! I mean, I make more than I was here...but damn, not enough to pay all my bills and full daycare alone. Shit, makes me definitely consider NOT have anymore kids. LOL. But yes, I'm going to miss my babies during the week and they somewhat understand...well my son does, Nati I don't think really knows. But I'll be up on the weekends visiting.
But just thinking of all the new things happening in my life. Out with the old and in with the new. Thats my perspective right now. I went through some hellafied shit last year, regarding finances, career, home life and love/men. Slowly I'm getting things back on track and I recognized that today. Just thinking of a lot of things is making me realize its going to be okay.
And to the one who listened to me today (although you can't read this now), know I appreciate your ears for listening and your words of encouragement.
Laters.......
I'm going to miss working with my girls. I have less than a week to go at my current job. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions. But I'm ready for it, not literally but mentally. I got me a place there in Houston already, its a nice 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment. I'm so excited to be in a new city and job, yet a little scared at the same time. Its going to be me alone for a lil' while and I hate it. I hate leaving my kids here, they'll be with my parents since I need to find daycare. Found out I don't qualify for the daycare cost assistance program there, make too much money. Yeah right! I mean, I make more than I was here...but damn, not enough to pay all my bills and full daycare alone. Shit, makes me definitely consider NOT have anymore kids. LOL. But yes, I'm going to miss my babies during the week and they somewhat understand...well my son does, Nati I don't think really knows. But I'll be up on the weekends visiting.
But just thinking of all the new things happening in my life. Out with the old and in with the new. Thats my perspective right now. I went through some hellafied shit last year, regarding finances, career, home life and love/men. Slowly I'm getting things back on track and I recognized that today. Just thinking of a lot of things is making me realize its going to be okay.
And to the one who listened to me today (although you can't read this now), know I appreciate your ears for listening and your words of encouragement.
Laters.......
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Movin' On...
Well for those who don't know by now, I am moving to Houston in TWO WEEKS! Yes, thats correct. I managed to get two job offers in a week and well its time for me to spread my wings and do new things. (Hey that rhymed..lol). Anywho, for those who may be misinterupting things...its for ME and my kids on why I decided to make this move. I've been in Austin since 1998 and I'm ready for changes plus at this new company I'm makin' some bigger dolla's...and feel like I can make some moves to make more money.
I'm very excited and even the kiddos are ready for this. I will miss all my people in Austin, but you know I ain't that far away....plus my fam is still here so I will be making trips every now and then to visit. Ohhhh Amber, most likely for ME please throw one of your fabulous parties......lol.
Outside of that...I've just been working, doing my school thing and handling my business. Watch out HOUSTON!
I'm very excited and even the kiddos are ready for this. I will miss all my people in Austin, but you know I ain't that far away....plus my fam is still here so I will be making trips every now and then to visit. Ohhhh Amber, most likely for ME please throw one of your fabulous parties......lol.
Outside of that...I've just been working, doing my school thing and handling my business. Watch out HOUSTON!
Friday, February 23, 2007
New and Fresh...
Had to get rid of all the old shit that reminded me of all the bullshit before. But for all my REAL friends out here, I appreciate everything. You listen to me, your there for me no matter what. Just know I value you all of you. HUGS!
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