Friday, September 25, 2009

A "Not Good" Moment...

I'm embarrassed to say that matters of the heart got the best of me. I knew if I talked to him that I would do what happened the last time. It was like something came over me, here we were explaining each other's side. And almost like I was begging for him back. What is wrong w/ me?

It started with the anger bubbling inside me. We haven't talked, which is really what I want. But it hurts so much to know he's out there hitting up other females, like thats his priority while I'm here, doing the job as the responsible one. So I left that status because it just pisses me off. And well, I suggested he wasn't a man. LOL. He didn't like that, and commented back with "oh, I'm not a man because I'm not with you." And that so began the worst mistake I've made yet. Or was it actually a good thing...he went on to get onto me about talking to other dudes, and how I appear to not care and have moved on. I guess that goes so show how much he really knows me. Yes, I've been talking to one of my male friends (whom I cut off since we've been together out of respect to our relationship). He's been there for me and not to talk about sex. Talking to him helped me really understand what happened to us. But even if it is the intimacy issues, point of it all......its still on him, because I tried to fix it.

Then because of that instant message chat, I call him. WHYYYYYYYYY did I do that? I have no clue. LOL. I turned into a big ol' crying mess. I'm so angry with him. I'm doing better though this go. It just hurts so bad. But he wants no beef, he wants us to be good. Really? I don't get people like that, I can't be good with someone who caused me this pain. I want to cut all ties but we have a child together. I don't know what to do, but I have to cut them. No contact, no nothing. The end result, he had to see where my head was at. Its sick, he had to make sure he was still in it and I let him get that. I'm a crying fool and I realized in it.......he wanted that. And just as I say thats what he wanted, I hope he was happy now...hope it made his sick ass mind feel better to know I'm tore up over here while he's over there talking to other females and having a wonderful time. He hangs up. No call back. He hung up on me.

And to top it.....he basically said we were boring people (hint hint: I'm boring). And basically that I expected the lap band surgery to change everything in my life. What? Is he freaking serious, I have no idea where thats coming from. I've never said that. I'm doing this because I have to get healthy. What does that mean?

What was it in me that wanted him back? There was my reminder of why I prayed to God to let him go. My reminder of why we are not meant to be together. Regardless, I think in a way it was beneficial. It was my reminder and it was my way of releasing all that built up emotions I've been holding in...and that anger I was feeling.

Now to cut ties...

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