Monday, March 26, 2007

Too Lazy To Cook

Yeah, its just my ass here and I'm so lazy. Damn my potty mouth is gettin' bad. Lol. Anywho so I don't feel like cookin', I need to eat...anyone willin' to hook a woman up with a meal? Any men that have some cookin' skills and want to showcase them? Hahaha.

Nah, but works going good for me here. I'm getting ancy though, ready to learn processing of these claims and be out on the damn floor doing OT so I can bring in some real money. Times are getting hard and I'm stressin'. This move set me back a lil' bit but I know in the end its going to be worth it. But I get real stressed out when it comes to lack of money. Especially after last year? Ohhh weee it was a bad year money wise.

Yes, I'm out mingling.......met some cool ass dudes. And enjoying my singlehood! NO, I ain't pimpin'...cause if I was pimpin' my rent would be paid and well...I wouldn't be talkin' about money issues above ^^. LOL. I wish I had it like that...haha. Outside of that, love ain't entering my heart for quite some time...there's a big ass TIME OUT on it. Yes, I can fall in love easily but only with those who I choose to fall for. Which is rare...I've only said I love you to four people and meant it....believe it or not for those who think I love everyone I come in contact with.

But I'm cool, things will work themselves out. I'm planning on going to my first meeting come Sunday in a long time. Thats where I need to be, back in the Kingdom Hall, studying about the one thing that counts >>> HIM up above. My babygirl will be here with me soon and I can't wait. There's a pool right outside my apartment so I'll be buying her a new bathing suit and we'll be going swimming...and to the playground. Ohhh the simple things 3-year olds enjoy! She loves her mama.......

Ohhh thinkin' of it, gotta upload my new pics of the kiddos. I love my babies, you never know how much you miss people til their not around as much...seriously. Feels like I'm missing out on thangs.....

Friday, March 23, 2007

One Question???

What the fuck is wrong with these dudes out there??? I'm so serious. They are just as bad as females. Have the roles reversed or something. I don't get how a man can hit me up one day, and actually have the nerve and expectations of me ONLY talking to him? I'm like wth? Then you got these niccas trying to come off cool and then be like say can I call you...can I come to your house? WTH? I don't know you and I ain't fuckin' you either. Lol. There's crazy shit that happens here in Houston all the time. I ain't trying to be the next news story
But I did come across this cool ass dude, we're friends and I'm enjoying it. We went to the movies the other night and watched Premonition. I can't wait to chill with him again. We got one thing in common, people watching and shit talkin'.......lmao.

I don't know, I talked with my girl Mo...and been thinking of things, I just need to focus on other things which means going back to studying and learning about the bible. Get my head right there, because in the end there's only one real thing that I should hold high value in and it ain't any MAN on this planet. LOL. So hopefully when I get back from Austin this weekend I can attend my first meeting in long time.

I just don't get some of these men I'm coming across lately, their throwed off in the head. Getting upset cause I don't call. Just trippin'.....or second-guessing me and my own motives. Why? Or maybe I'm just reading to much into things. Makes you wonder how the women here in Houston treat their men. Seriously. I just ain't on that level. I just need to stay off there and occupy my time exercising. LOL. I got an exercise room here in my apartments and haven't used it yet. Sad...I know.

Anywho...hope the rest of ya'll have a great weekend......while I ponder on that bullshit. LOL.

Monday, March 19, 2007

*Raises Eyebrow*

So, Mr. Punk emails me today.......acting like he didn't just break up with me 3 days before. Like we're all good. I mean, does he not realize how deep he cut me? He's asking me questions about my weekend and what I did and how it was. Like he gives a fuck (he didn't ask these things beforehand), of course I gave him some short answers because whats it any of his business now. I'm hurt still, I mean I felt it coming on because we ain't seen much of each other and things been bad as hell between us (not due to me!). I'm cool with us not being together. I can't force a man to love me or be with me. I admit, I'm hurting somewhat from all this.

But damn! To actually think that I'm going to be all buddy buddy with your ass like we used to be...before crossing that friendship line. Especially 3 days after the fact? WTF? To think I'm going to reveal all my secrets or whats happening in my head to you now? I don't understand that. And what, to have it held against me somewhere down the line? I don't think so, he chose to let me go. He don't get to know whats happening in my life any more. He made that decision, not I. Hell you want to be friends with me, yet I can't even be a friend of yours here on myspace.........yeah, that makes sense.

I'm content with the fact that we will not be together. I'm dealing with that and I want to move on from all this bullshit that I've been dealing with regarding him for the past 4 1/2 months. I just don't understand how a man can think that a woman is going to be completely understanding and happy in a relationship where she's second? To think that the fact that he lied about his situation, she's going to continue trusting him....that a woman is NOT going to have some sort of insecurities. Worst part is he didn't even attempt to make it work...he just pulled back. Its only natural for a person to think there's more lies and deception involved.

If anything, I hope he finds happiness somewhere...and realizes what he's doing and been doing is wrong. Nothing good will come his way til he owns up to his mistakes and starts living the right way. I've asked for forgiveness for the part I played and prayed to the MAN above to take this man out of my heart and mind.......strange thing is I felt it, he wiped my tears when I was ready to break down yet again behind him. Its a work in progress...but I'm slowly lettin' go.
I asked him this evening to please stop contacting me for the sake of my emotions. I can't take the head games or pain anymore. Maybe one day we can be friends again, but right now it ain't happening.


I admit, I miss him. I wonder when these moments will go away. I hate being by myself. I wonder if I miss him because I want someone or if its feelings for him. Who knows. It sorta sucks, one moment the pain is gone...and I'm feeling fine then the next when I can really think of things, its back and my heart is breaking all over again.

Break ups suck!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Single Fo' Real Fo' Real?!

Whats up people, so yes...yesterday it was made official amongst ol' dude and I that we part ways. I still want to be cool with him and be friends, hell even have sex from time to time. And at first, I was a bit taken back by it. I felt like crying but then I thought about things...there are a lot of men out here in Houston, men that find me attractive (believe that!). And why not be single now, its like the best time to be. Never know who I could meet, might meet that one in the midst of it all.........

So yes, I'm single..........and willing to mingle. As ol' dude would say it PIMPIN'....its in me, and its ready to come out again. No more of this lovey dovey shit. Fuck love! at this moment and time.......

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Officially in Houston!

Well I made it Houston as of Sunday. I dunno, things are different here. Its hard being in this apartment alone. I'm not good at being alone, I admit. I miss my kids so much. I miss my family and my friends, I guess just everything I'm familiar with. It hurts me so much right now to be away from everyone. All I can think at the moment is did I make the right decision? But then again, its too late to go back on it now. I'm just feeling so bad not having my kids with me.

Then the one person I thought I'd see, I haven't seen at all. On top of it, I can't even be friends with on here because of some bullshit reasons. I'm just so tired emotionally. Why can't I just have someone in my life that really cares for me the same as I do for them. Someone who wants to spend time with me, as I do with them? I'm just so tired of being treated like shit by men. It hurts to see others with someone they love, and then there's all this love for men who can't give it back to me for some reason. Each heart break kills something off inside me more and more.

I'm just so through with everything love and relationships wise. On top of it, being here in Houston is so strange to me. Being around people that I'm not close with. Its so hard and lonely right now......

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Whats The Problem?

Lets just say this goes back to last month, and a person I dated prior to Mr. Punk. He hit me up on email one day at work, telling me he hoped I found someone right for me and someone that would make me happy, but he had deleted his myspace page and was doing it out of respect for his current woman. Thats real talk, if thats his real intentions and I can't do nothing but respect that. But at the same time, it hurt. Because not even a week prior to that he was calling me up telling me he missed me, calling my daughter his own. I blew it off as nothing but bullshit. Obviously it was, but to have him tell me he's not going to talk to me no more out of respect for someone new in his life. It hurt. Mainly because he wouldn't make that same sacrafice for me. It cut me deep.

Then, to go through the things with Mr. Punk and my ex-roomie. Just all the lies and deception, the games played...the bullshit. Its brought me down to an all time low emotionally. Here I've put on this happy face, trying to act like I got it together, act like I'm past all these things. I'm not. I admit it. I'm so sick of being hurt and done over by people. Men especially.

Worse, today it hit me that maybe the problem isn't the men. Maybe its me? Could it be? I mean the same things are happening, with different men. Is it me causing this? Am I doing something to sabotage these relationships? Of course my friends would say no Amanda, but then again they ain't the ones listening to me question these men. Its like the fear of being hurt, of being done raggody by someone after giving my heart...takes over and I start questioning and badgering these men. Thats not saying they didn't cause things to trigger it. But it makes me truly wonder what mistakes am I making in all these relationships.

And the reason for these thoughts, because I have had quite a few men tell me I'm a good woman and that they hope nothing but the best for me...that I find the person that makes me happy. Well whats wrong with me then? I couldn't make them happy? What is the I ever going to find someone that loves me for me, that can understand what I'm going through. I'm tired of handing my heart over and as soon as I do, they stomp on it. What am I doing wrong with these men? When it boils down to it, I just need to be alone...and I mean alone and deal with being alone. I think I hold fear in that, getting to know Amanda and finding that self-love. I don't think I have.

Monday, March 5, 2007

No More of the Bullshit!

For my best of friends on here, I've been dealing with some shit for the past few months. Some may think its stupidity, others know the real deal. I'm not a dumb woman, but love and emotions can cause a lot of heartache and make your vision of reality and logic hazy.

I got involved with someone, I thought was single. I thought he was all mine and found out in December he was married. Not because he told me the truth after a year and a half of being friends and almost a year of talking and dating. No, I found out because I took it upon myself to get answers to things that made no sense. Yet, by that time I found myself in love with this man. To the point, that I reduced my self-worth and love to stay with this person. Going through the motions of knowing he's with his family...and listening to the bullshit he had to spit.

I've woken up to it, tried to leave him alone. Yet I found myself going back to him for some sort of reason. But today I realized, I can't do that to myself or even my children. Its them that are being affected the most, watching their mother cry behind a man who most likely never cries over me. Behind a man that is too selfish to see what he has. And I refuse to allow it to happen any more. No longer will I allow someone to treat me in a way that is demeaning to my charactor, my morals or values or my self-worth as a woman. I deserve so much more, someone that loves me as equally as I love them.

I've been praying to God to please help me gather the strength to leave this person alone and take him out of my life. He's opened my eyes and I'm so appreciative of the love and support he's given me through my familly and friends who are aware of this situation. I appreciate those of you, who stuck through this with me. Listening to me cry for the first time and watching me in all the agony that I was going through. Ya'll know I'm a strong person and to see me go through that, I know was heartbreaking. But with that strength ya'll helped build me up. I love all of ya'll.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

A Good Day, Today.

I have to admit today was a good day. I went out of town with my girls I work with. Visited some friends and enjoyed my time. I can't help but think about today and replay it over and over in my head. Just knowing that will probably be the last time I chill with those two for quite some time. It was a nice road trip for us ladies and definitely something to remember.

I'm going to miss working with my girls. I have less than a week to go at my current job. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions. But I'm ready for it, not literally but mentally. I got me a place there in Houston already, its a nice 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment. I'm so excited to be in a new city and job, yet a little scared at the same time. Its going to be me alone for a lil' while and I hate it. I hate leaving my kids here, they'll be with my parents since I need to find daycare. Found out I don't qualify for the daycare cost assistance program there, make too much money. Yeah right! I mean, I make more than I was here...but damn, not enough to pay all my bills and full daycare alone. Shit, makes me definitely consider NOT have anymore kids. LOL. But yes, I'm going to miss my babies during the week and they somewhat understand...well my son does, Nati I don't think really knows. But I'll be up on the weekends visiting.

But just thinking of all the new things happening in my life. Out with the old and in with the new. Thats my perspective right now. I went through some hellafied shit last year, regarding finances, career, home life and love/men. Slowly I'm getting things back on track and I recognized that today. Just thinking of a lot of things is making me realize its going to be okay.

And to the one who listened to me today (although you can't read this now), know I appreciate your ears for listening and your words of encouragement.