Tuesday, June 3, 2014

I need the accountability

So after beginning gone for quite some time from here, I realized I need the accountability.  I have managed to gain back all the weight I lost - which in total was only 35 lbs.  But after gaining it back, that made a huge difference for me.  I forgot what it felt like to be at this weight.  I gained back at least 20 lbs of it just in a year by stopping everything that held me accountable and at least kept me in maintaining the weight I was at.

During the past year, I've also tried to do this weight loss challenge in a group on Facebook.  Never really committed nor did it really make me change my ways.  Ultimately, it is going back to the basics for me that I need.  I have to make that decision to be healthier and stick to it.  It just sucks because its so much work, I hate it being so hard.  For others, it seemed like it was easy.  But that is also something I need to work on, stop comparing my own journey to others.  I think that is the reason I gave up and gave in to the inner fat girl.  I admit, I went crazy with my eating --- I haven't had a fill in over 2 years, I haven't even been to the doctors to check on my band.  I've been really bad.  I mean, last year I did try to walk/exercise but was defeated after having constant pains in my left joint and then later sciatica in my right side.

And so... I choose to really start new.  As I type this, I choose to start being accountable for my weight and why my body is like this.  I always have excuses, but I'm tired of this.  I have to put more into taking care of me and last year made me realize it... my cholesterol is back up, add in now I'm having high blood pressure.  None of course that require meds, YET.

I have to go back to tracking all the food I put in my mouth, I have to start tracking all the water I drink.  I have to change terrible eating habits and not give in so easily.  But the biggest... I have to go see the doctor to check on my band, to see if I stretched my stomach out and ruined the whole purpose of having this band or not.

In the meantime, I've been eating pretty light the last few days.  Lots of soups, liquids.  Not totally bad ones.  I haven't been throwing up at all.  But we'll see what happens after I get into the doctor.

I just know I have a lot of catching up to do on here, and I need this tool to keep me on top of me!  Even if no one else is reading it.  Lol.