Friday, September 25, 2009

A "Not Good" Moment...

I'm embarrassed to say that matters of the heart got the best of me. I knew if I talked to him that I would do what happened the last time. It was like something came over me, here we were explaining each other's side. And almost like I was begging for him back. What is wrong w/ me?

It started with the anger bubbling inside me. We haven't talked, which is really what I want. But it hurts so much to know he's out there hitting up other females, like thats his priority while I'm here, doing the job as the responsible one. So I left that status because it just pisses me off. And well, I suggested he wasn't a man. LOL. He didn't like that, and commented back with "oh, I'm not a man because I'm not with you." And that so began the worst mistake I've made yet. Or was it actually a good thing...he went on to get onto me about talking to other dudes, and how I appear to not care and have moved on. I guess that goes so show how much he really knows me. Yes, I've been talking to one of my male friends (whom I cut off since we've been together out of respect to our relationship). He's been there for me and not to talk about sex. Talking to him helped me really understand what happened to us. But even if it is the intimacy issues, point of it all......its still on him, because I tried to fix it.

Then because of that instant message chat, I call him. WHYYYYYYYYY did I do that? I have no clue. LOL. I turned into a big ol' crying mess. I'm so angry with him. I'm doing better though this go. It just hurts so bad. But he wants no beef, he wants us to be good. Really? I don't get people like that, I can't be good with someone who caused me this pain. I want to cut all ties but we have a child together. I don't know what to do, but I have to cut them. No contact, no nothing. The end result, he had to see where my head was at. Its sick, he had to make sure he was still in it and I let him get that. I'm a crying fool and I realized in it.......he wanted that. And just as I say thats what he wanted, I hope he was happy now...hope it made his sick ass mind feel better to know I'm tore up over here while he's over there talking to other females and having a wonderful time. He hangs up. No call back. He hung up on me.

And to top it.....he basically said we were boring people (hint hint: I'm boring). And basically that I expected the lap band surgery to change everything in my life. What? Is he freaking serious, I have no idea where thats coming from. I've never said that. I'm doing this because I have to get healthy. What does that mean?

What was it in me that wanted him back? There was my reminder of why I prayed to God to let him go. My reminder of why we are not meant to be together. Regardless, I think in a way it was beneficial. It was my reminder and it was my way of releasing all that built up emotions I've been holding in...and that anger I was feeling.

Now to cut ties...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Profession of Love

No doubt, I have love in my heart for him still. But now its also filled with painful emotions. The thought of him being with other women, drives me up the wall. It only confirms the end of our relationship even more in my heart. Why does it bother me so? Because I love him, I love him so deeply that its attached to every vessel pumping through my heart. I never wanted to let go of him or the thing that held us together. He was my best friend. We started as friends, we had this bond and connection that was unexplainable. Something I had never felt with someone else. He turned me on with his words and with his listening. He turned me on with his openness. The man that I loved was everything I wanted. He was outgoing with a this fantastic personality, he was willing to learn and be open minded. It was an amazing feeling to feel like I found the person that complimented me. The best part, he felt the same way. It was wow....the best relationship I've ever had.

Then something broke, not sure where. Lack of communication, lack of making sure the spark stayed alive on both sides. It fell was broken, and no improvements were made.

Its so hard to hold on to something that at times feels isn't worth the effort. Especially when the other person shows its not worth their effort. I was once asked by him, if I thought he was a different person. My answer, yes. Hmmff...but in a good way. He changed into a better man. A great father and was on his way to being a loving husband. Or so I thought. We all have our faults and we're all a work in progress. I seen him changing into a man, not a boy running the streets trying to holla at any girl. A man taking care of his responsibilities and making a life of his own. But maybe he seen differently, I seen the good in him. Its still there and I can't be that angry due to this pain at him.

Its like that song "Fistful of Tears" by Maxwell:

Feel just like a weight has lifted it
How can I repay you help me understand
Currency a fistful of tears I can afford
Fight of your life is not the cost
Time will reveal
All along you’re the one who’s losing

Cause I go insane
Crazy sometimes
Tryin you to keep you from losing your mind
Open your eyes
See what’s in front of your face
Save me my fistful of tears

Just fitting of this moment, at one point I want us back but what I want is the person I knew when we met. The person who did love me unconditionally, the person who would state his undying affections for me, the person who fought for us to work. The realization, he's not that person no more. And it sucks. I pray to God to take this aching pain to go away. I just want it to go away.....


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Strong Woman!

Yes, I'm a grown ass woman! Yesterday I was told I'm a strong women because on the day that the person, who I allowed to be so much involved in my life was now gone. And I wasn't broken apart by it and that know one could even tell. Well believe, I was broken up but as a strong woman, its built in me to keep on moving. I've been through this before and God made me strong enough to handle it once again. I know one thing when it comes to love, you have to give your all and in result sacrifice by becoming vulnerable....and take that chance of getting hurt. I gave my all again but God will see me through as he always does.

So yes, I'm a strong woman. I know what I will and will not stand for. I support my family and I love with all of me. I am a great friend and a great woman to whomever I am with. I admit my faults and where I need improvement, however I have my standards and I know that whoever comes into my life should be on that same level as well.

Its time to be a grown up and some people miss that "note" in life. But as a woman, I've come to learn I can only control my feelings and how I feel. I can't make someone love me or someone want to be here with me. The end result.......its a relief. And although I shed some tears, its a huge weight off my heart.

I see a lot of great and wonderful things happening in my life. Its amazing, this new fresh breathe of air. So amazing.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I've let go...

So David and I have broke up (yet again). We were having issues for the past month or so, I would say it was me but truth is, I know it wasn't. Fact is, its all David. Here I had a man that truly has no clue what he wants in life. But I know what I want and I know I haven't changed since the day we met. I'm still the same woman, I laid it all out there when we first met about what I expected in a man. He felt he could step up to that plate. I did my best to encourage his personal growth, as well as show my appreciation and gratitude for the things he's done.

The realization hit me though, after all that we've been through that the problem deep down was not me. It was him. It all fell back on what he wanted. I knew I wanted him, I knew I wanted to live my life with him. But he was the one confused. How many times was it said we were going to work through it but the truth is, how can change happen to make things better if only one person is working towards that goal. Its almost like that song from Dru Hill...We're Not Making Love No More. It exactly describes our situation. I know I will have love for him but even I recognized my feelings for him have changed. I was trying to make it work to see if things would go back to how it felt at that time. However, he wasn't on that same page. He'd say it but his actions were the exact opposite. And somehow, I think I knew it was on me and how much I loved myself to decide to cut ties.

So I took it upon myself after many things he's done to basically separate himself from me and these children, to let him go. I admit, I'm hurt. But two weeks ago when we had that same discussion...I had my break down then. I prayed to God so hard to get me through this, please tell me what to do. I could not take the pressure, the stress and physical angst it was causing me. To be with someone who wasn't there emotionally, it was a bad thing. The negative vibe in the house.

And to be honest, its different this time around. God must be walking me through this because I approached him and told him in complete calmness it was over. When he packed up, I was calm in it all. I couldn't sleep worth nothing because I knew at that moment, my life was changing. After living with someone for so long, you get used to having that person there for everything. Now I wouldn't have him there. I knew it would change so many things in my current life. But the biggest change, was relief. I felt like a weight was lifted off my heart, mind and soul. And I'm actually okay. I think I went through my grieving process about what we had and I'm actually fine with this.

Life moves on. And I'm fine with that. God has blessed me with so much already and he's walking me through these moments today. I'm okay.