Saturday, September 19, 2009

I've let go...

So David and I have broke up (yet again). We were having issues for the past month or so, I would say it was me but truth is, I know it wasn't. Fact is, its all David. Here I had a man that truly has no clue what he wants in life. But I know what I want and I know I haven't changed since the day we met. I'm still the same woman, I laid it all out there when we first met about what I expected in a man. He felt he could step up to that plate. I did my best to encourage his personal growth, as well as show my appreciation and gratitude for the things he's done.

The realization hit me though, after all that we've been through that the problem deep down was not me. It was him. It all fell back on what he wanted. I knew I wanted him, I knew I wanted to live my life with him. But he was the one confused. How many times was it said we were going to work through it but the truth is, how can change happen to make things better if only one person is working towards that goal. Its almost like that song from Dru Hill...We're Not Making Love No More. It exactly describes our situation. I know I will have love for him but even I recognized my feelings for him have changed. I was trying to make it work to see if things would go back to how it felt at that time. However, he wasn't on that same page. He'd say it but his actions were the exact opposite. And somehow, I think I knew it was on me and how much I loved myself to decide to cut ties.

So I took it upon myself after many things he's done to basically separate himself from me and these children, to let him go. I admit, I'm hurt. But two weeks ago when we had that same discussion...I had my break down then. I prayed to God so hard to get me through this, please tell me what to do. I could not take the pressure, the stress and physical angst it was causing me. To be with someone who wasn't there emotionally, it was a bad thing. The negative vibe in the house.

And to be honest, its different this time around. God must be walking me through this because I approached him and told him in complete calmness it was over. When he packed up, I was calm in it all. I couldn't sleep worth nothing because I knew at that moment, my life was changing. After living with someone for so long, you get used to having that person there for everything. Now I wouldn't have him there. I knew it would change so many things in my current life. But the biggest change, was relief. I felt like a weight was lifted off my heart, mind and soul. And I'm actually okay. I think I went through my grieving process about what we had and I'm actually fine with this.

Life moves on. And I'm fine with that. God has blessed me with so much already and he's walking me through these moments today. I'm okay.

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