Saturday, September 29, 2007

The shit I deal with........Haha.

I named my blog this because basically..........this is what its like being a grown ass woman. The things we deal with. Haha!

Things lately have calmed down a lot. Its been a rough period and time for me. Trying to figure out what I should do regarding my job. I love it there, but the fact is there are things that I need for myself and my family. I managed to get a job interview with United Health, go next week. So hopefully I hear something. I heard they make great money there, not that I ain't...and great benefits. I gotta do whats best for my family all the way around and thats my focus right now. And to be honest, I think to myself...every move I've made career wise has been a better move than before. So I can't complain.

The kids are doing okay, Aries was moved to another class. He's been having issues with behaving and well it was also due to his reading level. He's doing so good in reading that the principal felt he would have gotten a higher rating if in another teacher's class. In other words: The teacher he had wasn't that great! I can agree, I called her...talked with her, told her if she had any issues to call me. NOTHING. So I'm glad the principal felt this was a good move. And so far so good. Natalya is doing good with daycare. Outside of it, she's her normal silly and outgoing self. Definitely a lil' character. Haha........

David and I..........believe we've been having issues. I hate to even write that. It ain't been perfect and my closest friends who I indulge things with know and understand. But we're making it work, because in the end.....we love one another and well on both ends.....feel we're good together. Its just when fear of the unknown, as well as stress get can make a person react in ways their not expecting. We're good though. Oh yeah, no baby on the day, but not anytime soon. I think the stress of things made me stop up. Haha.

To my friends, hope no one was offended by it. Just was frustrated and well, I miss ya'll. I want to get out of the house and have a life..........outside of work, David and the kids. I need someone to vent to and I'm glad people have been there for me while going through things lately. Love ya'll.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Its been a long time comin’...

I'm having one of those days and I'm ready to just ball my freakin' eyes out. Mood swings, I'm 10 days late for my period....I could be pregnant, who knows at this moment. Me and my sweety been arguing today and thats makin' it worse. Its amazing how a few words can make a person re-think everything in their life. I realized in my moments of some people just are never there. You wonder, are they really your friend after all this? I mean I can't help but think those things. I wonder who I can rely on, but something has lit a fire beneath me to realize its only me I can rely on. I've thought this whole time, these people are my friends. Maybe because I want a close friend that I can connect to, someone I can turn to as family. I figure, I do my best to be available to my friends. I know I don't keep in contact all the time...but damn, I feel so lonely. I have no friends here.....I have no one but my kids and my sweety. But even then, he has his why don't I?

I do my best to think about the things people do for me and appreciate it. I try my best to be there to help them in their times of need. I just feel so let down at this moment. And maybe its just me over analyzing things. And its not one person in particular, but I think I just realized..........I have no real close friends. Outside of a few people. And maybe thats what I needed to realize.

Then dealing with things with David....I have no one to talk to, it just feels like that right now. I never talk about me and him to anyone, main reason because I know its for us to work out together but now its getting to that point where for some reason we ain't. I don't know what to do...its so frustrating. I don't have my one friend to confide in, to be there for me when I just need to cry and let it all out. Usually, if anything I can talk to my mom....usually I'd do that when I'd go pick up the kids but now I don't talk to her much anymore and maybe thats my fault. Maybe its the reality that I'm growing up...and on my own for real now. I don't know. Its just driving me crazy....all of this. I feel the urge to go back to this moment.

So tomorrow I'm going home to be around my family.........I doubt anyone care anyways.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

The kids, the job and my baby

Well lets see whats going on with me. I'm ready to give up on school. Its a damn shame, I know. LOL. I just think, maybe its not meant for me. At least not right now. Maybe once the kids get older and are both in school. But with them coming back home and trying to get things back in order. Things stable for them from all the changes that have happened in the past year and a half. I just don't think I can deal with school right now. My head isn't in it. Just lots of stressing going on right now.

The job is going great, in fact they got rid of a lot of folks from our training class. I'm just waiting to get out on the floor, setting my own hours. Things of that nature. I'm ready to show 'em what I got! And waiting to get some damn insurance cause Lord knows I need to go to the doctor for my check ups. LOL. I'm very serious about my health and well its been since February that I had my physical. Then during the time the kids came back I got real sick, very bad upper respiratory infection. Then Natalya got a UTI and I had to take her to the ER. No insurance sucks! Soon though, especially for all of us. David is having issues with his sinuses and needs surgery. So once I get my insurance info. my ass is signing us all up ASAP!

On a side note, Aries has been acting bad as hell. Well, not real bad but to me bad. LOL. The boy knows better not to cuss at me. But he's got a mouth on him and actually has been curbing it. He used to be real lippy, but we're getting him in shape regarding that. Next, he's been lying a lot. So right now, he's grounded and basically its mostly just not listening. But I think tonight when we talked with him things go into order. We'll see, I know reality is...its gonna take some time to get both of the kids in tip top kids are going to be kids. Well boys at least. Nati isn't real bad, but I can tell Aries lying is rubbing off on her. She watches her brother and does as he does.

Next, David and I are doing good. We have our moments. Especially this past week. It was rough, REAL rough. I was ready to just say FUCK IT! But deep down dude has my heart and I can't walk away that easy. Its not like he did anything major but I know one thing....lack of communication can kill a relationship quickly. And although I don't know what exactly is going on in his head, mainly in the past week. I just know I can't have things go a certain way and continue that way. So we talked, we love each other too much to let stupid things be the reason to make us part. Plus, the way I see it.......we're too old for the bullshit of him runnin' out the house or me tellin' him we through. Thats shit we did in our past relationships and we need to confront any issues head on together to make it work. I'm tellin' ya.........its all about COMMUNICATION to have a relationship last. Once you've lost that, other things interfere and I don't want that. I love him too much...and I admit, I've had my moments where I cry. Its hard, I try to prepare myself for the possibility of getting hurt...but thats impossible when it comes to love. The potential is always there. Then there's my pangs of comes through, does. Haha, not real bad but it does. He has his moments too but to be honest, I'm totally faithful to him. I don't even try to go there with another man. Literally its only eyes for him, he may not realize how true that is....but it is. Considering my past playlistic ways. Hahaha. I love my sweety!

Then friends...well, I feel like I'm secluded from them. Don't see anyone, hang out with anyone........nada. I feel like I have no life outside of work and home. I guess thats part of getting old. I know everyone else has their own lives their handling. But I miss folks. And yes, I admit...I'm bad about keeping in contact. I do my best, thats not meaning I don't think about you.........believe it. I love my girls and the people I'm close to.

Thats about it..........

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

My Dear Friend

This blog goes out to one of my best friend's in the whole wide world. And if she ever reads this, she knows who she is. I feel so sad for her right now. This person has inspired me to do more for myself and done so many things for herself in the process. She's been a complete success and it hurts me to see her going through hard times right now. Just knowing that your going through this moment in your life.........I just pray that everything works out for you girl. I love you with all of my heart and I know this is killing you, the stress involved with regards to this......... I hate to know that other things are happening and I pray that God will give you the strength to pull through. Your a strong woman and know that if I had any power in this, I'd do what was possible to make things all better for you. You've been a great friend to me through out these years and this is the first time I'm seeing you on this level. God has blessed you and as David said..........maybe this is God closing the window on one thing and opening the door to another.

Remember I love you........and I'm here for you. (((HUGS)))