Saturday, November 29, 2014

Fear of failure and feeling down

So I'm back to work, back to school (two new classes started up last week) and trying to get back to my normal routine of life.  Has the surgery changed my life much?  Umm... it seems like it hasn't yet it has in what I'm eating or not eating.

This past week, I guess the loss of about 24 pounds within a month has finally caught up with how I look physically.  Some co-workers are noticing and saying stuff.  Which is cool.  They say they see it in my face and my back.  I notice it in my clothes more, I haven't been able to move down in a pants size yet, because my stomach is always the last to lose but my thighs and butt area are really lose and shirts that were tighter seem looser.  That is a good feeling, however I feel like I have nothing to wear at the same time.  I feel like hiding in my baggy clothes too.  Like, I want to cover myself up.

I am suffering from the biggest fear that I will fail this like I feel that I failed with the band.  And even after I've come to terms with the fact that the band and I just didn't work well together, there is still a feeling of failure with it.

Add in... I am now weighing 210 lbs. as of yesterday (changed my weigh in days to Fridays officially).  And I realized I am now 3 lbs away from the 35 lbs lost mark I had with the band.  I'm scared my body will be like... well, you hit 207 lbs... your done.  Lol.  Maybe that's illogical, who knows.

I admit, I haven't started exercising - then again I am not officially released to do more strenuous exercise.  I was okay'd to do more walking, elliptical or biking if I want to.  I really should but I'm also afraid that since I'm not getting many calories in, that will eat up all the calories I have.  And its hard to eat as is.  I'm officially on the pureed/soft diet, but the problem is I don't feel hungry ever and when I do --- I fill up quickly on like 2-4 oz's, depending on the time of day.  I need to get my protein in and up to at least 70 grams.  At most, I'm getting 35 - 50 a day.  The same goes with getting water in.  I get so full and almost miserable feeling, I don't want to push things.

I'm basically eating... 500 - 700 calories a day, which is what my doctor recommended for this time period.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing --- yeah, most likely.  I've also noticed I feel really down lately.  I'm not sure if its the holidays, which makes me think of my family -  and how much my family sucks lately.  I have tried to help certain family members this past year, but in the end I end up getting screwed by them.  I feel super extra emotional too.  I don't know what it is lately but I just don't feel happy lately.  I hope I can pull out of these feelings soon.

Also... side note:  I am trying to update this blog as I can but I'm usually on Instagram with more frequent updates.  You can follow me at Manda1280.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Soooo... I'm alive and well

So I am a little over a week post-op from getting the vertical gastric sleeve.  I'm feeling way better.  No pain meds, only a little bit of pain in my right side where most of the work was done (basically removing my stomach out of it).  I did have a new incision that they removed my lap band port out of but not much pain there.

I have been extremely fatigued and since about a week post-op, super emotional.  I think the tired feeling is from doing the clear liquid phase.  But I had my post-op appointment this past Wednesday and was given the okay to move onto full liquids, which includes creamy soups and protein shakes, etc.  My doctor also said I could start my vitamins, usually he waits until two weeks out but I was already low on the B12 and vitamin D side... so I've been taking my vitamins and I think its helping.  I got back on December 26th for my 6 week follow-up.

My doctor said the ultimate goal is to get me down at least 30 lbs within the first 6 weeks of surgery.  Well when I weighed in at the doctors office on Wednesday, I was 219 lbs (with clothes on, when I weighed at home it was 218 lbs, lol).  So I have lost about 8 lbs. since surgery.  He said I'm doing well.  So I need to lose 4 lbs. every week until I go back.  I am sure that is possible, especially since I will be on full liquids for 2 weeks, and then finally move onto the pureed foods stage until the 6 weeks is hit.  Another goal is to eat 500 - 700 calories a day, get in over 70 grams of protein a day and at least 64 ounces of water obviously.

I know with the creamy soups... because yes, as soon as I left his office I went straight to the grocery store for food! Lol.  I could probably only eat 3-4 ounces, if that.  Which is fine.  It was just nice to taste something other than clear liquids.  Blah!

And I can't help but to keep on weighing myself every day.  I need to stop it before I become scale obsessed.  I know better.  But I weighed today and I'm 214.2 lbs.  Its just crazy to me that I'm losing like this so fast.

I also attempted to go back to work yesterday, ended up coming home.  I am so tired.  Plan is to go back on Monday.  At least then the following week we have days off for the holiday.  I also start my next two classes for the Fall semester, but they are just 5 weeks (can't wait til thats done and I haven't even started yet).

So thats about it.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

2 days post-op with the VSG

So I've been kind of busy with all sorts of appointments.  But the morning of my surgery this past Tuesday, I was weighing in at 224.0.  In total I lost 6 lbs. while on my pre-op diet.  I'm okay with that.  A loss is a loss.

So the day of surgery, I was scheduled to be there at 9:15am for surgery to start at 11:15am.  Unfortunately my surgeon got behind with other revision surgeries, so I didn't go in until about 4ish or so.  I stayed overnight in my own room and the staff was wonderful.  I was weighed after the surgery and up to 229.2 but that was probably due to all the fluids they had pumped in me.  So I figured I'd step on the scale this morning and I'm down to 222.4.

I will do my best not to become over obsessed with the scale... <<< Haha.  So I'm working on getting 64 ounces of water in and protein.  I do have to say that this surgery feels a little harder compared to the LapBand.  Maybe its because I'm older, I don't know.  But it feels like I did 1,000 crunches or something.  And all the gas from it, seems to be stuck in my stomach... no where near my shoulder area.  Thankfully, I have Gas-X strips.  Thinking of it, need to take my prilosec.  I actually feel a little better this evening.  It is all about walking, sipping water, walking, sipping more water.

Overrall... I'm just resting.  But figured I'd update on here.