Friday, April 24, 2009

I know where my heart lies, do you?

I guess its another opportunity for me to grow. And it seems to be something I keep encountering so I can't help but question myself and wonder if its me. Is it me? But then I think about it, no........I know who I am, I know what I stand for in relationships when it comes to my dear friends. Maybe...just maybe its God's way of sorting through who's the real deal and who's not. He's revealing to me the truth.

And here we go ago w/ yet another person telling me, I'm just being Amanda. Well, if thats the case........than I shall embrace being "AMANDA". I'm starting to realize its an excuse for their own actions but hey, if it makes them feel better for the things they say or do, then so be it. I just don't like people having double standards and trying to convince me that I'm the reason. I don't put anyone else in double standard mode. Now that I think about it, the same people accusing me of being judgemental of their situations are being just as judgemental of me. Thats kind of funny. So in a sense does it mean I have just as much right to throw them under the bus for being judgemental as well? Oh......there goes that double standard stuff, eh? That ain't my style.

I attempt to fix things but now I'm wondering is it worth fixing? I want it to be, I thought it was but then I think about it..........we've gone down this path before, years and years ago. Now its happening again, all I have ever asked for is a persons friendship, the same thing I've offered. No underlying motivation or cause to get use out of anyone other than being there for me like a friend should be. Just as I seen progress, we take two steps back in a relationship. But I've been the type to take the good w/ the unconditional and be a friend in the same sense. After awhile though you realize where you stand and what your role is in relationship, after being treated one way. Its okay though because I know that eventually that person's eyes will open and they will see all that is to be seen when it comes down to it. I'm a very forgiving person. Although I'd love to be one of those people that hold grudges and cut people out of my life especially when people hurt me.....I'm not. I just realized God has instilled the ability to forgive and really let go of things, in me.

I know I've been there...and I am here, if a person hasn't made use of this friendship...well thats because they chose not to. So really, how good of a friend have you been? Gotta give to recipricate, right? Gotta have an open line of communication like any other relationship and if you don't have that, well you don't have anything. So I guess if its ever decided to seriously talk.......well you know where I'm at, I've already attempted and I'm done attempting.

I've already had a blog about this, just goes to show how true that rule of thumb is....that most people can only count on one hand how many true friends they have. I'm realizing it time and time again.

Hmmmfff...disappointing - yes but revealing about true characters of others. Just know I'm on that grown ass woman subliminal shit. You know...being AMANDA. Haha.