Saturday, July 30, 2011

I'm a Funky Unchunky Monkey >>> The August Challenge!

So I signed up for MyFitnessPal last weekend.  I find it to be a lot better than SparkPeople.  Just easier to navigate, easier to find foods when logging my food intake, etc.  Anywho, they have a really great forum (aka message board, aka community).  So they do tons of challenges to support each other.  I knew for me to stick to actually working out, watching my food intake, water intake, etc....I would have to sign up for one of these things.  Mainly because now I'm not only accountable for my own weight loss, but whatever I do effects a team of 20 other people.  So I'm on board and it starts on Monday.  I'm on the team Funky UnChunky Monkeys.  Check out the cool little siggy ^^^ for the forum.  I'm ablake80.  Gotta do my before photo for it...... My weight as of this morning is 217 lbs.  Eww.  Yeah, I gained and I know its mainly due to the calorie intake versus burning it up. 

I'm actually excited to do this.  This past week kind of got me a little prepared.  I've logged my food every day, logged my water intake.  I'm not going over my calories, but only because the exercise I've done is allowing extra calories and I've ate them.  It has helped me recognize I need to get it under control.  I am proud that I have been drinking between 80-100 ounces of water each day.  That is a huge improvement for me.  Mainly considering I don't drink water.  I do know for fact, I can't do the tap at my house.  It has a funny metal after taste.  Eww.  So I told hubby we have to get bottled water.  And done.

Next, instead of eating lunch from the cafeteria at the job (although priced at 2.00 per meal), I need to bring my own lunch.  I know what they serve is very high in calories, fat, etc.  So I purchased some Lean Cuisines to start with.  We'll see how those work for this week, as well as with my Special K Protein Bars.

So here is the challenge.....

This is the week one team challenge. This should be done in addition to your normal workout routine.  This is a challenge and is not a replacement!

Week One Daily Exercise Challenge
Each team member that completes their daily exercise challenge receives one point, if all team members complete each daily exercise for all 6 days the team is then awarded an additional 5 Bonus Points.

Day 1 Exercise Challenge - 100 Jumping Jacks*(see below)
Day 2 Exercise Challenge – Walk, Run or Jog 1 Mile (extra)
Day 3 Exercise Challenge – 50 Situps or Ab Crunches*
Day 4 Exercise Challenge – 40 UP and Downs *
Day 5 Exercise Challenge – 25 Pushups *
Day 6 Exercise Challenge – 25 Squat Lunges*
Day 7 Rest! You deserve it!

Each team member in order to get the weekly team bonus points must all log every day and not go over their target calories and log at least 64 oz. of water each day. If each team member does this all 6 days your team will be awarded 5 Bonus Points.

So let the fun begin? Hehe.  Lets see how this goes.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Weight, Sunburn, Racist Stuff, etc.

So I've been out of the gym for the past 2 days, still walking at work during the day.  So at least I'm still getting my 30 minutes in.  But I need the more brisk type of exercise.  I do have to admit that my muscles all over are sore as hell.  But the last two nights we've had other things to do.  So I kind of want to figure out when to do the workouts.  In the morning or in the evenings/night?

Which do you prefer? Morning or evenings?  

I usually do them in the evenings but thats also after a long 11 hour day at work and then eating dinner, etc.  I feel so exhausted then.  I kind of want to get it out of the way and not have to worry about it in the evening too.  Definitely have to motivate myself to do it in the mornings.  Plus my hubby has now been working out every day.  He's doing pretty good.  I think he seen his weight and decided he didn't want to hit a certain number.

I also changed weigh in day from Wednesday to Sunday.  So we'll see how it turns out, I'm doing well with getting 4 cups (16 - 20oz) in a day.  I am guessing on the oz because it doesn't say on my cup but it looks to be the same size as the cups in the cafeteria at my work, so then it would be 20 oz.  Lol. 

So I managed to get a nice sunburn from Sunday in the water.  Lol.  For the most part I have browned over, but I do have a piece that is ready to peel any day now on both of the top part of my shoulders.  And yes, I wore sunscreen!  I need to get higher though.

We're (and I mean >> Me and Hubby) are going to Schlitterbahn on Sunday with friends.  Its adults only, so no kiddos.  I'm so excited (I do love my kiddos)....but oh so happy to do something with just adults.  I was worried about wearing a "mom" looking swimsuit.  David said it doesn't look like it, but yeah...sure...whatever.  I guess I'll wear it.  The board shorts I bought with it in April are now too big.  They fall all the time.  But I'll deal.

Race related >> So I got into this debate with my friend, his family members (I guess?) on FB.  LOL.  He posted about the Planking Trend being related to the way slaves were treated when transported over here.  Saying the "Truth About Planking".  When I went against the grain >> saying its not connected to that, all hell broke loose.  I got called out for being a white girl disagreeing (as I noted to them, I'm actually Mexican too) and then got told because I'm married to a black man I'm not entitled.  Which I'm still confused on what entitlement I would get for being married to a black man.  Then when I said "leave it to a black girl to call me the white girl who disagrees" they all went crazy.  Yet I'm the racist one and I never brought up any skin color in the first place.  I just made the point that she called me white first and its not nice.  Of course they all got amnesia and tried to turn it on me.  LOL.

I tell you, I love to argue too.... and it is a bit fun going back and forth.  Mainly because I really don't give a damn.  Most of the time the online arguing is something I do when I'm extremely bored.  I did find it funny they went searching on my page for more info.  Hahaha.   

Anywho the end of the day, I went on living my life.  Tee Hee!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Hot and Sweaty

Yes, I did it.  I got in my first real workout since late February (outside of swimming).  Went and used the gym equipment in my apartments.  They have a little bit of everything.  At least enough to get me started again.  I got on the elliptical for 16 minutes.  At first I was just going to try 5 minutes since its been so long and I thought I was going to die within that first minute or so.  LOL.  But then once I hit the 5 minutes, I just said why not do 5 more.  So I made it to 16 minutes.  Not bad.  Then I hit up the treadmill and did some brisk walking for 16 minutes as well.  My goal this week is to do 30 minutes of exercise, 5 days per week.  I'm learning from another online friend to make small goals and build up.  Thats the only way I'm going to keep this thing going.  Plus she is pure proof that it can be done by doing it small and coming out big in the end.  Thanks Sarah!  You are definitely an inspiration to me.

Another good thing today is I got in 64oz of water today at work.  I'm so proud of myself!  Thats major deal for my non-water drinking ass.  My goal on the water intake is 64oz a day for the next week.

Now onto doing this again tomorrow!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I love summer time!

Crazy coming from me since typically, I would never go swimming and stay indoors the entire time.  And for Texas weather, I would say that was from late May until the end of September.  LOL.  But I decided to make some changes this year.  I am even willing to admit I am now wearing shorts again!  Now yes, I've lost about 30 lbs since the surgery and basically have been able to keep those off for the most part.  But I still would be hesitate to wear sleeveless shirts (due to my stretch marks on my arms), tank tops, anything that would reveal what I felt was ugly.  This complex also included not wearing shorts, skirts, dresses, etc.  So because of this, I have managed to become a very pale white person on top of being overweight.  Lets throw in there that I'm half Mexican as well and don't really look like it at all at this point.  Believe it or not, I used to be pretty tan as a kid but that all changed around 13 years old.  I just became so self-conscious and hated myself from that point forward.

Check out my tan line!  Niceeee...
As of age 30, I decided I am too old to be living like this.  It took a lot for me to gain the confidence I have now between 25 - 30 years old when it comes to my body, but I realized I was still doing the habits prior......refusing to live life and truly be comfortable in my own skin.  So I made sure to get me a bathing suit early on (got it in April) and to start swimming as soon as the pool opened in my apartments.  I started out real well, then had a lapse in June (working, life events, etc).  But I've been back at again.  I'm enjoying swimming and its a good work out for a fatty like me.  Plus the kiddos love it and it tires them out <<< just how I like it.

So I'm going to continue on with the swimming, at least until the pool closes.  I'm trying to figure out the strength building part.  I really have no weights.  I've been looking online and right now I can't afford to buy some.  Just have to wait it out to get some to seriously work out with.  But I do have some of those resistant bands, maybe I can work something with that.  I just don't know where to start when it comes to strength building.  I wish I had a personal trainer......... :(  I need guidance.  Or maybe I need to make my own guidance.  That could be it.  Another learning lesson in this thing of weight loss.

Outside of swimming lately, my oldest nephew came into town with his girlfriend.  Their expecting a baby in late August.  Its nice to see someone else pregnant instead of me.  :)  I'm happy for them, even with it being at a young age.  A child is a blessing.  Plus my nephew is really stepping up.  He's working hard and I see how he takes care of his girlfriend and I know he will take care of his child.  We have spent the entire weekend swimming, hanging out...even playing Phase 10.  In fact, we were up until 4:30 this morning playing that damn game.  I came so close to winning but Aries won it all in the end.

Best things ever!
SIDE NOTE  >>>  So I got the new flavor for Special K's Protein Meal Bar - Chocolate Caramel.  All I have to say is delicious!  I love it.  My other fave is the Honey Almond.  I know it may be hard to believe but I am pretty picky when it comes to foods.  I don't like the other flavors.  This stuff is good.  I have two boxes in my desk at work.  Its good for breakfast and keeps me full until I eat lunch at noon.  And sometimes I'll eat one in the late afternoon (yes, I know its a meal bar) but its good for snack.  I'm always hungry about 3pm every day at work.  Plus it keeps me from going to the dreaded "LTC ISLAND" (the place where all my co-workers put cakes, cupcakes, cookies, donuts, etc) for the rest of us.  Basically to keep us fat since all we do is sit at a desk all day.

Now onto the rest of my day.........have some laundry to do and the kids are all gone.

Oh and a cute photo of my youngest nephew, Avery with Bizzy Brayden......he's hamming it up for the camera.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Maybe I am fighting the commitment

To this life of being banded.  After reading another post, I admitted I'm having a hard time with committing to the life style changes to actually lose weight.  Its the most frustrating part about this journey.  I browse various blogs, hoping something would click in my head to make me change now.  I have been doing things, slowly but then I'm reverting back to the old ways.  I want to lose weight.  But do I really want to?  Thats the question for myself.  I know ultimately I have to truly commit.  This is the lesson I am being taught right now and one thing a good friend said to me was, "your going to keep repeating this lesson until you pass it! Just like a test". 

I have a lot of revelations lately when it comes to commitments in general but especially with my weight.  Am I that addicted to food to NOT give it up?  Well mainly the bad stuff.  I think so.  I don't think I would have ever admitted that to anyone else.  I have said it to my husband and mother previously.  Even from the beginning of surgery, in my head I never wanted to not eat this or that to lose the weight.  I just wanted the band to force me not to eat as much of it.  Oh yes, even now after looking back I can admit I had that idea of the "Magic Band" to fix it all.  Maybe that's the truth in it all.  I don't think I was ever committed.  So you see my true confession on this.  I have been in denial, I have given excuses and even just plain given up. 

I know I want to lose the weight at the end of it all.  Even if my intentions previously did not mean actual 110% commitment (thank you! Lap Band Gal).  I know that I've been reaching out and reading these blogs for a reason.  So how to change these bad habits that have me stuck in one spot?

I'm searching for the answer now........

<<< SIDE NOTE:  And you see a few posts back how I didn't want to turn this into a freakin' weight loss blog.  Hahaha...... It somewhat is because this is a part of my life (another sign of denial), I think I'm learning it keeps me accountable.  Even if only a few people read it.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Why the hell not - BYOC!

It’s BYOC day! Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!!

1. Alright – forgive me – we’re gonna get a little personal here. I was flipping through my organizer and saw in big bright letters “ANNUAL PHYSICAL DUE” coming up soon. Then I remembered that last year my lady bits doc said that since I haven’t had a bad pap in so many years – that I don’t have to come back for another 3 years if I don’t want to. What the what? Did you guys know that? 

No speculum in the vaginulum?

Anywhoozle – it sounds all good but really – do any of you follow this medical rule? Do you go every three years if you’ve never had a bad pap?

I go once every year.  This is a first hearing the every 3 years.  Sounds like the rule for cats getting vaccinated.  Funny since a cat is associated with females parts.  LOL.  I have to go every year though, I've had paps come up with issues and in the past had to have cancerous cells removed.  I don't fear the speculum or OB.  She's my fave doctor anyways.

2. If you read, what are you reading right now? Or how about what is your fave music right now? 

No reading.  Unless you count my LTC : Understanding Needs and Options book.  Lol.  Which I haven't picked up in over a week.  I need to get back on it so I get this damn designation done.

Fave music - I'm falling back in love with music again.  Love DRAKE so much right now and he has some leaked tracks out, check out Marvin's Room and Trust Issues.  I am also enjoying Miguel, his voice reminds me so much of Jon B.  Then add in some Lil Wayne since he just released his latest mixtape Sorry 4 the Wait.  By the way....going to see Lil Wayne in concert in September.  Whoop whoop!

3. Name some of your favorite smells.

My Victoria Secret Vanilla spritz.  My youngest son's hair - I always sniff him and now have him sniffing me.  Fresh clean towels and my big ol' furry blanket.

4. Showers or baths? Shampoo only or shampoo & conditioner? Shave daily or just when you start feeling and looking like an ape?

Showers.  I used to do the shampoo and conditioner, but with my shorter hair it makes it so greasy with the conditioner.  Especially when I straighten my hair out.  So lately I'm just doing the shampoo only...every other day.  Shave when I feel like it for the legs.....every other day for the arm pits.  But I'm not that hair anyways and since I have wore mainly pants for the past 15 years, its like hair stopped growing in places on my legs.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

In Real Life - Well actually.........I have in previous posts about whats happened this week.  The good news of the day is that hubby took his car to be assessed by our car insurance.  We have a $500 deductible and since there small scratches on the doors from the broken glass........they said we could fix it and pay the whole deductible or take $220 off.  We figured the scratches would be fine and took the money off the in total, we'll be paying $280 to get both windows replacement, as well as re-tinted.  The inside still will all be fixed too.  Definitely some relief.

As for the went by so fast.  Just been really pushing out processed claims this week.  Still behind << I hate it but almost seeing the light.

Plan was to go to Dallas this weekend for my cousins babyshower but will be staying in town.  Excited to see my older nephew though.

In Blog Land - Just stalking fellow lapbanders blogs.  I need the motivation to get me kick started on the weight loss again.  I love the commitment from them and for whatever reason I can't get me to do it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Why?! And it figures...

The crime scene!
So just as things start to look up!  Bam! My husband's car is broken into?  Or vandalized?  I only question it because the damn person(s) that did it broke both the front windows.  Which makes no damn sense to me if your just trying to steal something.  Fact is, they took really nothing.  Acted like they were gonna steal the stereo but never took the faceplate off.  Took a pack of cigarettes, old (I mean very cd's I've had since I was 16 years old) CD case of cd's and our gate opener to our apartment complex.  What kind of criminal is that?  LOL.

Now yes, I'm laughing.....because what else can a person do.  Doing my best not to really stress.  Just means money that I planned on school shopping for the kids with next week will have to go toward replacing two windows.  Bastards!  The only light in this is that where he parks his car is where the camera is pointed at.  I pray that it is clearly visible on who did this and we eventually get the money back.  If not, we'll make due as always.  People just suck.

My poor hubby feels so violated.  :(  Hahaha...sorry.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I got me a grown up purse!

You all have no idea how exciting this is.  Hubby bought me a "just because" present and I absolutely love it.  Now it ain't real fancy but he got me my very first ever Coach purse.  And the inside is purple, my fave color!  Just ecstatic.

Now this may seem so minute to others who have a Coach purse already but seriously as a mother since the age of 19, I have always kind of put me on the back burner when it comes to expensive items for myself.  I know it shouldn't be such a big deal or even a factor of who I am.  But seriously, even I still compare myself to others and the things they have.  I hate to admit that but thats the truth.

So here's a picture of it...hopefully soon I can get a matching wallet.

I do have to admit, I feel all grown up with this purse.  Crazy since I'm freaking 30 years old.  Usually I would walk around with a Walmart purse, not that there is anything wrong with them because I got by with those all these years just fine.  And even then I'd still get me one from there if its cute and I like it. 

I <3 my David.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Weekend Update!

Brayden chillin in the pool.
The latest on my weekend.........

Well hubby got a check that helped catch some bills up.  He's currently unemployed so its hurt a little on the budget.  We're surviving and this definitely has helped me with my stress.  However most of my stress lately has been work related.  Thats a whole other story.

With the extra money, we were able to go to Houston and visit some family on his side.  Most of his family is in New Orleans or Houston.  So when we found out his nanny (aka aunt, godmother) was coming to Houston, we had to go.  Plus having the extra money helped.  Lol.  It was an unexpected weekend getaway but worth it.  After working 6 hours on Saturday, I needed that.  Sometimes it feels like all I do is work and I get that feeling like "is that all we're supposed to do in life; the cycle of working to pay bills, etc".  So anywho, we did the swim thing for the kids and frying of chicken and other Cajun foods.  I seen a damn water bug out side >> HATE cockroaches and it was jumping (we thought it was a cricket at first).  Ewww ewww ewww...  Just makes my skin crawl.  You really have no idea the fears I have associated with these nasty things. *shivers at thought*

The family played pity-pat, I have no idea what card game that was.  They were actually using quarters and gambling.  I was ready lay it down at about 10pm.  Talk about OLD!  *in my Kinzie voice * WTH J-Si!?  << Sorry, if you listen to Kidd Kraddick you'll know. Haha.  Okay, the truth is I'm not good at staying up late but damn.  I ended up on the couch snoozing while they did their gambling thing with quarters.  Hubby won about 2 dollars! Lol.  We eventually made our way to his mom's house and I was out for the night!

The kiddos when we first arrived at the zoo.
The next morning, actually this is something I had already planned in my head.  But I wanted to do something while were there, not just sit up in someone's house chilling.  No offense to my husband's family, but I could seriously do that at home.  Obviously everyone is invited to attend.  And of course, the remarks of it being too hot are put out there.  I don't care!  I wanted to do something but mainly that.  Plus I knew the kids would love it.   It was VERY hot but oh so worth it.

The kids enjoyed it.  I enjoyed it.  David hated it.  You should see the pictures.  LOL.  He says its because when he's hot, sweaty.......he's miserable and its automatic bad mood.  WTF?  Stop being a Debbie Downer...I mean David Downer.  I <3 animals though.  I do have to say that the Houston Zoo is a very beautiful zoo.  I loved it.  They had this area where you could sit, it was called the reflection pool.  Man, if I didn't have the kids (or David maybe) I would have loved to just sit there and people watch with a big ass ice cream cone.  I definitely plan on going back when its cooler.  Probably in October or November.  I didn't get to see all the big cats.  And I love kitties.  After about 3 and a half hours we decided to leave and get something to eat.  Hit up Denny's.  Natalya got sick due to the heat.  Even with all the water we drank.  I felt for her because I had a headache whenever I stopped drinking.  Proof I need to get on the water bandwagon and seriously hydrate myself.

Overall, it was a lovely weekend with the family.  Other cool pics below......


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Work in Progress

Someone asked me this week, Amanda have you lost weight?  I wish.  I started back up on the weight loss thing a week ago.  So far, I am drinking at least 2 full glasses of water a day....and I have done it every single day (except at home).  Which is good for me.  Believe, I don't do the drinking water thing.  Next step this week is to increase it to 3 glasses a day and even do it on the weekends at home.  Outside of it, I have also been eating my protein meal bars.  I love those Special K Almond Honey.  Mmmmm.  That has helped curb the grazing through the day.  And working in my department, with the stress I'm under and all the freaking sweet foods that sit on the LTC can't help but stay fat! 

Next, I have cut all my portions down.  My husband usually cooks dinner and plates the food.  He's still in the habit of serving a ton on my plates.  I even admit that I was clearing off the entire plate.  No going back for seconds but cleaning it off (in the past I would have finished it and gone back for seconds or thirds).  But even then I knew this is wrong.  So after reading some thing a person that stayed in my mind was that just because I can eat more than a cup, doesn't mean I should.  So I'm working on that part.  Each time my husband's plates my food, I'm cutting it in half.  A taste of everything.  And its working so far.  I believe I'm staying full for at least 4-5 hours, so the band is working but its that mental hunger.  I wish I could kill that guy! Mental Hunger I mean.

I weighed myself this morning, I guess Wednesdays will be weigh in day for me since that's when I re-started.  I am down 1 pound.  It counts for something.  As for the exercise part, I had such great plans of swimming 3 times a week and then doing some strength training opposite that.  I haven't done it yet.  I just gotta get my mind right when it comes to that part.  All I need to do is at least 30 minutes of working out, I don't have to be a gym rat or anything.  Just do something.  I know if I was working out, I would probably be losing more. 

Other things I'm learning about myself is to finally NOT be afraid to do things alone.  That has been my revelation this year.  Understanding that it is okay to do things by myself and actually enjoy it.  Somewhere down the line I've managed to become this person that don't or WON'T do anything unless I have another body with me.  For instance, I wouldn't go get my nails or hair done because I don't have any friends to do this with.  Or I don't want to go shopping or go to the store unless my husband or a friend is there.  Hell I wouldn't even dare try going to eat out alone or seeing a movie alone.  I don't know why I became that way but only until this past year I realized I was doing this.  I don't want to be this way and maybe that was my excuse for not exercising because that was another activity I didn't want to do alone.  Why am I so scared to be alone?  Not sure.  But I want to fix it.  Its been a slow progress but I'm getting better and its time to fix the working out thing.

As always, I am a work in progress.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I Want More for Them...

Crazy how you don't realize what your into until you really start looking at your habits.  Why am I saying this?  Mainly because I noticed that since I really don't read magazines or newspapers (probably because actual paper copies of it are becoming null and void) like I used to as a kid/teen.  However, since technology has advanced I come across articles on the net.  I get sucked into them and read immediately, especially anything that applies to my life.  Like this one I came across today called, "What Your Teen Isn't Telling You".  Now mind you, my oldest son is only 11 years old but he is going into middle school this fall.  I also have a 13 year old niece (soon to be 14 years old) and soon to be 11 year old nephew that I try to participate in the lives as much as possible.  It makes me wonder if the reason I love reading articles is due to getting older and that is something you do as you get older (like drinking coffee every day, lol) or if its my love of reading coming back.  Oh how I'd love to get a Kindle.  One day soon!  I miss reading books and I have several books in my bedroom, but I really don't want to read them over and over again.  Not my thing, as mentioned previously about me learning new things and moving on once I think I've learned all I need to know on a subject.  Haha.

[Side tracked moment >>> ]  Does it really matter if its one or the other?  Not sure.  I know there is the stigma of getting old, especially hitting landmark ages.  Since I'm now 30 years old, I thought I didn't feel like it but I notice small things that I do now that are associated with being of the "mature age".  I was just talking to a friend that I have known since I was 14 years old and who just turned 30 years old herself a couple of weeks ago.  We both said that we don't feel like we're this old.  I still feel like I'm a young 20-something most of the time.  It don't help that most people assume I'm probably 23 years old and kind of treat me that way (which has its pro's and con's).  I do admit I have a sense of humor of this age group and probably tend to like to relate to the younger people anyways (like I'm old as hell).  I think that is also what is happening lately with me, still learning and discovering myself.  Then I have my husband who is 2 years younger than me who always jokes about how I should know about any time prior to 1980.  Lol.  Or maybe it is just my love for reading coming back.  My love for acquiring as much information as possible.  I admit, I love to be a know-it-all and giving people information that they don't know.  But whats fun about reading articles online is finding other links that give even more information.  I notice I love the self-help information too.  As always I'm into the moving to improving me thing.

[Back to the original subject >>>]  With my son getting ready to transition from pre-teen to teenager, I want to be prepared.  Reality is though, your never EVER truly prepared for life.  But it never hurts to get information to help you cope with the ever changing thing we call life.  I want to be the one he can talk to about what is happening in his life.  Same way I try to be that person for my niece.  I want to be the one they go to for advice and provide accurate information.  I want to be the one that prepares them well to be self-sufficient and productive people.  I have so much that I've gone through as a girl/woman that I want them to learn from my mistakes.  But I also want them to know that I'm a parent.  I don't want to be their best-friend nor do I expect to be told everything.  I just hope that how I approach things, I am the person they trust in the end.  I love them all so much and want to support them to be great people.

I guess these concerns came about after seeing things change so drastically this year for my oldest nephew.  He's almost 19 years old and about to be a father.  Definitely not what I was hoping for him at this age.  Considering I had my son at the same age.  And the fact that I had this talk with him over and over again...and he still did chose to have unprotected sex which has lead to this pregnancy (based on conversations with him, in my personal opinion it was done on purpose).  When I found out about the pregnancy, I had this gut wrenching reaction.  Almost as if he was my own son telling me this.  Of course his mother was ecstatic to become a grandmother and even the girls parents seemed to be on the same page.  Its one thing accepting the fact months later but after immediately finding out saying congratulations to a 15 year old and 18 year old on becoming teen if they were grown adults who could provide for a child, is a whole other story.  As you can see, it still saddens me.  Since finding out, my nephew has stayed secluded with her family.  We haven't seen him since Christmas and rarely talk to him.  I really felt like his mother, just truly disappointed and even then still disappointed because he should be doing more.  Go to school, get an education.  Especially because he has this child on the way.  Just frustrating when I think of these things.  And all I can think is this how I will feel if my own child made these choices?

That is my reason for wanting to be a supportive, proactive parent not only for my children but even my niece and nephew that are under the care of my parents.  I pray to God they learn from the mistakes of their older cousin/brother and make choices that leads them down the path of waiting to have children, of having their youth to learn about themselves without having to grow up so fast.  That is the one thing I keep telling my niece, enjoy being young.  It goes by so fast.  Don't make a choice that leads to it being gone in a blink of an eye.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Weekend of Laziness

Is it possible to be behind on sleep?  I think so, after staying up late on vacation nights it has caught up to me.  I pretty much slept most of the day away.  Woke up long enough for my husband to feed me breakfast then back to the bed.  I hate days like this.  I tend to feel guilty later.

Then add in I got another huge zit on my chin, outside of the other pimples on my face.  Its like I'm a teenager all over again.  I'm not sure why I'm breaking out so bad.  Well actually I am drinking more water, so it could be flushing my system out of all the bad stuff.

I admit for the past few weeks I've been over doing it on eating ice cream, cookies, etc.  Anything sweet will do.  I don't know why either.  Its just so good.  I see pictures of cakes and want them.  LOL.

So besides laying around, my mind has been on a lot of things.  Especially going back to school.  I really feel this urge to start taking classes.  But then I'm scared of committing because I don't want to just quit like I have in the past.  I want to make sure I really do it this time and finish.  Plus I know that it costs me each time and I don't want to pay for something unless I actually complete it.  Just a lot of thinking when it comes to school.  Like if I should wait until David finishes.  Maybe I should.  But I want to do something now.  Uggh.  The back and forth thing sucks.

In the meantime, I really should work on the LTCp designation course I'm doing.  I really need to stop trying to take big ol' leeps and take small steps.  Goals should be broken up to meet the small ones which turn into accomplishing the big ones.  I know this.  Now to implement it.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Never finish?

So I know why I have stayed away from my blog, mainly because I didn't want to deal with all the horrible choices I've made related to weight loss.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not really.  I deal with the issues daily but keep pressing ignore.  I sit back and I'm so envious of seeing others who had surgery after me or others who lost on their at goal.  I am a failure at this.  But then again, I also realized I tend to do that with a lot of things I start.  Jump in, have lots of great intentions and never finish.  Haha.  I get bored easily...I don't know why I can't finish things.  I have recently been able to admit to that fact.

Like the website stuff, I love it.  I taught myself how to build websites, how to use Adobe Photoshop and create graphics.  Had a fan site on Nelly, kept saying I'm going to bring it back...but my unhealthy stalkyness when it came to Nelly slowly went away too.  Then I let the webdesign and graphic design thing go as well.  Then the school thing, get started and just don't feel like finishing.  I also kind of let this tendency seep into the things I sign my kids up for.  WHY?  I'm such a procrastinator too.  Or last year, I wanted to get into jewelry making...I love the creativeness and I love jewelry.  Bought the beginning tools for it, where's it at?  In the closet.  Haha. 

Now back to the weight thing, I've never really committed to losing weight with any diet or exercise.  I just don't want to do it.  I wish it would just come off on its own.  I know it won't.  But I also decided I'm sick of my blog only surrounding my weight loss.  I am not defined by my weight loss.  I love me....fat as hell or as a skinny heffa.  So I don't want this blog to be only about my weight loss.  There is more to me than just that.  Now thats not saying I won't talk about whatever I'm dealing with weight loss but not every freakin' blog is gonna be about the damn scale.  Lets just say I've over it!

I joined SparkPeople and plan to begin using my apartment gym for machine stuff....and use the pool.  Free things!  Cause at this point I can't afford a gym membership or all the extras.  I am going to keep track of my calorie intake again and just get things in control with regard to cutting back a lot on portions.  Today was the beginning of it.

Reality is...anything related to my weight will never have a finish.  As I've said about myself emotionally, I am a work in progress.  And well, it is all a mental game at this point.  I am my own worst enemy.

Now off to watching the season premiere of Big Brother 13.  Ahhh...its official summer time is here!  Laters.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Burned out, Lost and Searching...

So I've disappeared for about 4 months.  Why?  Not sure, I guess I got caught up in working again.  To be honest, it was mainly working.  I lost in that 4 month time span all plans of what I wanted to do for myself.  Sucks to know I've lost that amount of time over working.  I am now coming to terms with the fact that I am somewhat of a workaholic.  Nothing against stay-at-home mom's but that is just not for me.  I would be die sitting at home.  I think that is how men feel when they are with out work for a period of time.  I would be lost, depressed and in the dumps if I didn't work.  Like each time I had one of the kids and was off for 6 weeks of maternity leave, I couldn't wait to go back to work.  Although work stresses me out a TON, its my drive to keep moving forward.

Of course with working a lot, I've managed to find myself in the burned out stage.  As well gain back weight I had lost.  Back up to 217 lbs.  I can feel it when I wear my clothes.  At first, I was thinking maybe I am getting depressed...mainly in the past month.  But the revelation came to me today after knowing I'm going through this "blah" feeling.  I have not been doing any fun things I used to enjoy.  Which kind of is a sign of depression.  But I still feel the urge to get out.  So I knew it couldn't be depression.  I guess I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I want more.  Maybe the DIRTY 30 has hit me, the difference is I'm married and settled with children.  But I feel like there should be more accomplished at this point in my life.  I want to be further in my career within the insurance industry.  So I know that I need to go back to school but at this point, its a no go.  However, I have decided to get my designation in long term care for LTCp.  Whats that mean?  I'll be a professional in LTC insurance.  Which helps the resume and with increased wages.  That will be the start.

Outside of working, things within my family unit have changed.  Financially our family will be down some with the income.  My husband is going to school to finally learn his passion.  Whats that? Cutting hair.  I'm very proud and excited for him.  This is something he has wanted to pursue forever, but being the responsible grown up, he knew it was hard to do when he has a family to take care of.  So he's finally within reach of obtaining this goal.  The thing is, I see him pursuing his dreams and I feel like life for me is stagnant.  I want more.  I want to feel accomplished.  Not that I'm not.  Yes, I didn't finish college but I've managed to work my way up in the insurance field over all these years.  And I know the thing stopping me from becoming team lead and eventually supervisor is not having some sort of education attached to my name.  Even if I get at least my Associates Degree, its a work in progress.  I just know at this point, I have to do something...I feel bored with things in life lately.  Not that I'm not grateful for the things in my life but I just feel like I'm at a stand-still.

Also in this week of revelations and discovery of myself...I noticed a lot of things I once enjoyed...such as the internet, blogging, webdesign, graphics with Adobe Photoshop (forgot how to use, ahh!), music (I have been so out of the loop), etc.  I guess things that were me, I've stopped doing for whatever reason.  I want that back, thats what made me happy and well ME!  So in the meantime, I'm going to work on doing these things again.