Friday, December 26, 2008

Been MIA for a minute

So I figured I'd post a blog since thats what I do. Most of my family/friends know that David is back home...its been almost two weeks. We're working through everything, its nice to have him back. I missed him and most of ya'll knew that. Still dealing w/ the hurt and questions and answers...and just weary about things but I guess thats part of the healing process, right? Its still a confusing thing...mainly because I'm the type of person that asks questions til shit makes sense. And even now, still not sure what happened for him to get up and leave. But he apologized.....and even drove about 14 hours to be back here. He's home, I guess thats the focus....that he's where he wants to be right? Its just still...I guess this is one of those things that either breaks or makes a relationship. Hopefully this makes us stronger and thats all I can pray for.

Outside of that...I've been having major contractions but nothing regular. I've been going to the doctor once a week far about 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced. He's finally head down and lordddd...he's just poking me in the sides and just hurting me. I'm waddling like crazy, all I want to do is sleep. Plus now that the Cedar molds have rolled into the Austin area, I'm dealing w/ my allergies and asthma even more. Sucks, my inhaler makes me want to sleep even more. I swear I could sleep a good 16 hours a day...but then my hips are aching and pelvis from this babie's head between my legs. I just can't wait to have him. I did get good news at my last appointment on Monday, their gonna let me induce at 39 weeks rather than waiting it out until my due date passes. Its scheduled for January 8th, so if he's not here between now and then on his own...(which most likely, he won't be because he's just like his daddy......stubborn!) I will be delivering this big boy on the 8th. And he will be a big said he'll probably be like brother/sister...around 8lbs or so, definitely not a Figures. I'm feeling better though...David managed to get his car seat, that was the biggest worry...because if I did have him early, how was he coming home? Lol. Plus I got his Boppy Swing I wanted...well I wanted either the bouncer or swing. Then I was so stressed for those two weeks...I lost like 7 pounds. I go back this week...and gain like 4 pounds back, don't feel it though. The doctor said it was probably just water retention. I don't feel that swollen though...hmmmfff. Who knows. I just know at the end of this...I'm sure I'll be weighing less than I did before getting pregnant, thats good news! Haha.

I just can't wait to be normal Don't get me wrong, I look forward to meeting my son...but dang, what us women go through carrying them.

Finally Christmas is OVER WITH! I hate this time of an adult its just not any fun when your struglling financially already. But the kids did good w/ help and I appreciate everything thats been done. They got what they wanted and well they both are not very picky anyways. Next up >>> Aries' 9th Birthday! on December 30th. No party like I want, with the baby coming and things...its gonna be a lot but he will have something small.
So thats about it so far...I'll be sure to post some pics up once Brayden is here! In the meantime there's other new photos up from Christmas, the cats, etc.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Back Together

Well I figured I'd let everyone know...David and I are back together, if you didn't know by now. He came back home on Sunday after lots of talking and still talking. :) But I'm glad we're working things out......

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Woman’s Worth

A Woman has strengths that amaze men.

She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.

She holds happiness, love and opinions.

She smiles when she feels like screaming.

She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid.

Her love is unconditional!

There's only one thing wrong with her:

Too True!

God doesn't give you the people you want.

He gives you the people you NEED.

To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Never take someone for granted, hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Phase IV: Full of Anger

So yesterday I cussed David out. After all that shit and thinking about stuff....why should I feel bad for things. Why should I let him turn it around on me like I did something wrong. I didn't. I've been good, yeah I've had my part in some things but things that are not major stuff. I could understand if I was out there running around fuckin' all these dudes or talking shit about him. About how he really wasn't looking for work much. But I didn't. I never once came at him that way. I talked to him like my other half and best whats going, what are you doing today...whats your plans? But he took it as me saying he was a bum or something. I never had that in my mind. However, what is one to think when a person could careless? Thats what he showed.

I just know I'm not going to put up with being treated like shit, like I did him so bad. I know I have stuff I need to work on relationship wise but it wasn't big stuff. I've been a good woman to him.

Outside of that...he's trying to munipulate me and my heartbreak to get out of paying child support. Hell, he wants to know why I'm going to do that and not give him a chance to do it on his own............HELLLO??? Did he miss the fact that he left his son before he's born....left all of us in a house not concerned if we had rent paid, electricity, food??? He even took 35.00 from me to put gas in his car to leave now he's concerned about his son? Fuck him! He's a selfish asshole, concerned about himself ONLY!!! I know he has money from unemployment......if he's really so concerned with helping, he'd still give something. But I know he won't. So you see, thats why we're going to court for child support.

Even at this point...and as I've thought about things, I'm not sure I want him there for the delivery. How strange......awkward would it be to have the man who just left you to clean up the entire yourself at 8 1/2 months pregnant. While he's been in another city.....doing what he wants, fucking other bitches and living his life stress free. But he wants to be in there like he's been there the whole time through the pregnancy......he left right when he was needed. But hey, his peace of mind and sanity was more important...because well, life was so horrible here. His life fell apart and now he has to get it together, how the hell are you going to get shit together for yourself if your not looking for work? Your busy with talking to ex-girlfriends, texting and talking to other muthafucka's all day. Ohhh but he ain't got no money.........what the fuck ever!! Had money to sure as hell get that cell phone cut back money to ride around in the car that I GOT YOU! Eh? Oh was that bad here. You had shit, but you fail to realize how well you had things. Or maybe everything he ever said was a lie to get what he wanted. Just another woman he used....

Just when I thought he was developing into a grown man...because thats what he claimed he was, he ran. Just like he did to all them other bitches he did over. Fact is, I ain't them other bitches. I ain't into being a best friend with you, you did me wrong.........VERY wrong. I have no room in my heart or life for someone like that. I'm a very loyal person, I would never have done him this way. Just leaving him out in the cold and worry about myself...children or not, for my self-satisfaction.

I'm not being selfish, I'm protecting my child from another self-absorbed man. Just another fuckin' Tony.....talked all that shit about him, but just like so many ways, I just had no clue. I know for a fact, I will be raising this child alone. He'll come around when he feels like now, come and go out of this lil' boy's life because David is more important than his own children.

And he can be pissed........until he realizes how wrong he was and apologizes for all of it....and actually feels remorseful, I want nothing to do with his sorry ass!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Phase III: Letting Go

Its been a bad week, some good days and a few bad no doubt. But I'm progressing...thats what my mind is doing through this time in my life. I've been through this before, God has prepared me somewhat for this. After praying over and over, asking God to give me the answer on if its worth salvaging a relationship with someone who seems not to care much anymore. He gave the answer. God let him make the decision that I probably couldn't. I'm an optimist, usually the type to think things can be talked through and worked out. I had my moments, I just wanted to walk away myself but stayed because love was there...because we had gone through tougher moments and made it.

However after this, I realized I am the stronger one. I realized, I had it in my mind and knew what I wanted all along. I told him straight up, from us meeting what it was. Take it or walk, but don't waste my time. Well, he's walked after all this. And after seeing how cold and how quickly he can shut off his just showed me he wasn't strong enough or ready for what level I was moving up to. No doubt, I still love him......I think he has the potential to be an even better man with time and experience in life. But I know now it will not be with me by his side.

I know I can't control anyone but my own feelings, I can't keep someone here who is not willing to stay. A relationship is about honesty, communication and respect. If only one person is putting in majority of the effort, it won't work. I'm letting us go.......the plans, the thoughts of our future together. I'm letting him go...

I pray to God, he blesses him with all the things to be a great father and man.

Its now about my children and myself. The definition of my name is "worthy of love". I agree......of self love. Its time to get focused on myself again, because in the midst of trying to keep this person in my life and worrying if he truly loves me.........I lost some love for myself. Its time to take back control of how I feel about myself.

I also blessed I really am. I have my children, even the lil' boy growing in my belly right now. If anything he is the blessing that came out of what we had. I have the strength in me to continue walking the path God has set for me. Its going to be doubt, bad days but there are more good...and at times I forget what I have been blessed with.

I will be okay.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Phase II: State of confusion (and a thanks)

Thanks to my family and friends who have all been there for me during these trying moments in my life. Calling to check on me, to make sure I'm okay and most of all, just supporting me right now. I'm sure if you all were not here, I'd be a complete emotional wreck even more so right now w/ out ya'll.

So I look back on emails and think back on conversations with David. Not even a few months ago, he was saying this was the BEST relationship he's ever had. Why? Because he knew we were good together, I did too. In fact, all my friends were shocked by this news. No one ever thought David would leave me, muchless while being pregnant. I don't think I did either. I still in my heart feel he's the one, we had our share of all couples. But definitely not something that people break up behind. At least I feel not on his side.

I admit and have said this to him.......I have trust issues because of past relationships. I've learned to let some things go while others are brought about by some of his own actions. Nothing major but also things you don't do in a relationship you state you want. We got over humps, but I figure if you want to marry me...we come as one, learn to be together as one. Thats how it should be. No matter what.......I've always appreciated the things he did for me, he did treat me good. He spoiled me rotten, so much I think I became accustomed to it. Which could have been a major fault of mine, even selfish when it came to certain times. I'm sure I didn't show that I appreciated it and even took it for granted at times. But then where was the appreciation for my part in this relationship?

I worked all the time, I paid majority of the bills. I shared everything with him, my money, my values. I cared about what was happening in his life and did whatever I could to fix problems he was having outside of our relationship. Yes, I expected things from him. As any person should in a relationship. But things he could reach and was capable of. I was even willing to move back home w/ the parents...our whole family, so he could go to school for doing hair...and be in a career and potential business that would benefit all. I made a lot of sacrafices. I mean, we only moved back to Austin because he suggested it. I would have stayed in Houston. I even thought we could move to New Orleans, just so he could be near his first son. All this for him.

So I'm do you end something with someone you claim you loved so much one day, and the next.......just walk out? Was it really that bad? No big argument, no big incident. I was loyal. I might have complained or bitched.......but I took him flaws and all. Same as he did w/ me at one point. So what changed? How do you go from almost dislike or hate? I've never felt the coldness in his heart until that day he left.

I just don't understand all this. To say it was leading to, it wasn't. He made this choice within a short amount of time. I just hope he realizes what he's decided. I am a forgiving person but this betrayal...and abandonment, will leave me to resent him for a long time.