Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Clarification for me... has come

I do have to say, I am in a better place today... than I have been the last two weeks.  I do believe that the doctor I seen for the revision surgery, does take band patients from other doctors.  I am thinking about inquiring with that instead of the actual revision.

So yeah, I met with the new doc.  Do you know how awesome it was to meet with him.  I was so nervous.  But he did the consultation.  He explained everything, he went through my entire record and really spent the time to go over this with me.  Just that in general... makes me wish he was my doctor for the band.  He did say he believes the VSG would be right for me and even though there is the chance of it being harder to lose with a revision, it shouldn't be for me since technically I didn't lose close to 80-100 lbs like others and then gain it back.  So there is hope, its just all about the finances now.  To be honest, thats the part that scares the me most.

So looking into all that jazz.  I'm still on the fence...

But with regard to other life things, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky type of chic.  So when I go dark... its real dark.  I'm feeling better, its time to get things in order.

Add in going back to school and the frustrations of being in a job where you feel like there is no room for promotions.  But school is my focus... outside of focusing on myself and the family.  I am in the middle of taking my College Algebra class, it SUCKS!  I just pray to pass with at least a C.  It has been over 10 years since I took my last math class.

Another thing is I disconnected from Facebook.   I kind of realized that it preoccupied too much of my time.  Now I'm not off anything else... but I rarely get on other social media things.  I have my IG, Kik and Snapchat... mainly to watch my 14 year old son.  LOL.  And add in, I just kind of felt like certain so-called friends or family were not connected to me and my every day life.  I don't think I want to share much of my life with them and other people I rarely interact with except on there.  I think some family/friends assumed because we are connected on there... there is no need to call, text or even physically hang out since they know what is up with me.  When in reality, they DON'T.  Instead of feeling connected to people on Facebook, I actually feel disconnected and almost lonely.  And I figure, if these people want to know whats up with me, they can put in the effort.

So yeah... a lot of thinking... don't have all the answers, but I do feel better.

Monday, July 7, 2014

A mind full of confusion

I must admit, I have been so confused lately on a lot of things in my life.  I'm not sure why either.  I feel like I want all these changes but I don't know where to start.

And what changes... changes related to my weight, changes related to how I feel about myself lately.  Changes related to the home front >>> like running a household and keeping our house organized and clean.  Changes at work especially.  I love my job, I do but then again its so frustrating working in the corporate field.  I've been with my company for 5+ years and have not been able to be promoted in the last 3 years.  The question remains in myself... is it me or is it the people in charge.  That is part of the reason I returned to school and to finish my bachelors.  It just sucks because I won't finish my bachelors degree until possibly May 2017.  Which then has me mad at myself even more... for not finishing school earlier.

Maybe its a lot of the blame game internally that is getting me this way.  Lately, I've wanted to just run away.  I keep finding myself wanting to go out and experience life.  WHY?  Because I see others on Facebook getting too.  That is another thing, maybe I need to take a Facebook break.  I just feel so unattached to the people on there (although most are people I know in real life, family and "supposed" friends).

I just feel so all over the place...

And maybe that's why I feel I want this revision surgery.  Fact <<<  I know the surgery will NOT change my emotional ways on how I feel about food or even myself.  Its like I know all the things that need to be done, I know what I need to do.  Why can't I just do it!  Add in, I see some people who lose the weight... and almost look down upon those of us still struggling.  Don't think I don't blame myself over and over again... regarding the use of my Lap Band.  I have a ton of self guilt for not using it to my advantage.  However, I will be real and say.. this is the first real time I've attempted to lose weight.  I have commitment issues overall in all areas of my life.  I'm getting better with fulfilling what I'm doing, but prior to this WLS... I really never tried to lose weight.  I did Weight Watchers........ 1 week, bought all the crap and never went back.  Tried some Dr's weight loss program w/ pills....... didn't like how the pills made me feel, quit.  Ever really tried working out?  Lasted at most... 1-2 weeks.

So the reality is... is it worth getting a revision, can I commit to this decision and REALLY make it work?  Maybe thats why I'm so confused.  I don't want to be judged by people.  People who say, "Oh, but I thought you already had surgery."  I just want to shoot them the freakin' side eye... and be like... shut the hell up.  And even as I read through past posts on here, I forgot what I went through the 1st year having this in.  I couldn't effectively lose weight or get fills because of other medical things happening.  Add in the sorry ass service provided by True Results.  But somewhere along the route, I gave up on me.

I'm not happy right now... and I don't know where to start.  Yeah... this post is all over the place.  Lol.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Whats going on?

I've noticed lately, I'm in a weird "blah" state of mind.  I'm not sure whats wrong or if there is something wrong.  I suppose I can update things after being gone from here for like a year and half.

During the past year and half or even two years... I've been a mom focused on family only.  I've been trying to figure out how to balance... family, career and just time for myself.  Its hard work.  And maybe thats where the stress starts.

Lets see... so David (my husband) started officially working in a barbershop in January 2013, right after getting his cosmetologist license in December 2012.  Thank GOD!  In working at this first shop, he met some really great friends.  In the end, these friends and him went in on opening their own barber shop.  It finally opened in November 2013.  And slowly... business has been getting better.

I actually decided to go back to school and finish my bachelors degree.  YAY!  So, I started my first set of classes in January 2014.  I only could transfer in so many credits, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch but its all good because I feel more determined now to finish my degree and have that under my belt.  So... so far so good.

As for the kiddos... my oldest son is going into high school this fall.  CRAZY!  I have a high schooler, it makes me want to cry thinking of it.  He's class of 2018.  It's going by so fast.  Then my daughter will be going into 5th grade and my baby boy is going into kinder.  This past year, has been filled with a lot of kids activities... sports, girl scouts and even my youngest seeing the eye doctor again and wearing glasses.

However, with all these things... I've let my eating and lapband sit on the back burner.  I've gained back all the weight I lost.  Its so disappointing.  I've tried over and over to get back on to doing the right thing.  Its so hard.  And to be honest... I haven't been back to True Results to look at my band since 2012.  I don't feel like its adequate care or comfortable with their staff any more.  I've seriously been considering a revision.  I don't think anything is wrong with my band, in fact... I still have moments where food hangs up if I eat to fast.  I'm sure there is some fluid still in there.  I don't think nothing bad of the band.  But I'm starting to think, its not the option for me anymore.

So thats where I'm at........