Sunday, June 28, 2009

Utter Chaos

Thats how my life feels lately. I know I'm not a dirty person, I like order...yet my house is always in complete chaos due to the mess. And I think that when I come home, it should be the calming place after a long day at work. Yet, every single day I come home to a freaking mess. It irritates the hell out of me. And for some reason, I just feel like its not my job to clean up other peoples messes. Considering there's a grown adult here all day long w/ these kids. He don't even make them pick up. Then he wonders why I come home and suddenly have the urge to bitch at him. Its rediculous to live this way. He's disgusting, how do you just leave shit on the floor...walk right over it like its not even there and not care? I need order....and now I'm realizing, I guess its all on me. I will have to lead by example because obviously the man here can't. It just sucks, I feel like I handle everything. I have to put order into everything. Like our pantry....I organized it, but he just pulls things out..leaves it on the counter or when he does put it up, its in the wrong spot. Same w/ our dishes in the cabinets. It makes me want to pull my hair out! Here's the thing, I am working 6 days a week...just to make sure the bills are covered. About 53 hours a week, so we're not struggling. I come home, I'm tired and yes...that means I don't feel like cleaning up after ya'll or coming home to a house that is a wreck. And the one day off, I admit...I don't want to do shit either.

I know my home is a representation of my life, and I know it shouldn't be like this. So how do I regain control? I guess it is on me, even with him in this house. Why is it all on me? I hate this, why can't he just see. Why do we have to live like this. I know our home is too small for it to get this dirty. I'm just ready to go crazy. I'm on a mission.

I need structure and I guess I have to be the BOSSMAN of our household since he's really not trying to take that role. Time to set up a cleaning routine, and time for me to stay on all those in this house to make sure its done. I hate having to play the Bitch and give out orders all the time. But I have no choice.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Young & Old Mama's

So these thoughts have been brewing on my mind since I read a journal on BBC last week or a couple of days ago. One of them, lol. Mainly because I posted my 2cents regarding the subject of being a young mother and maturity. And of course the original poster missed my point. I'm sorry, I'm not one that jumps on peoples bandwagons. I try to give another perspective so you have better understanding and well........that shit just plain annoys me, why be on the defense? Considering I never said it was aimed at you, if the shoe don't fit then don't try to be on the defense to me. What makes you think you have to explain to me? A stranger of all things? Especially if your completely fine and confident in your decision of marrying young and baring children young.

So here's my thoughts...I am a young mom. I had my first son at the age of 19, so I know how hard it is dealing with people looking at you crazy when you have a lil' one with you and they find out its your baby. Or having people ask you questions on what happened? I don't regret my son at all because I wouldn't be who I am today if he wasn't here. I love him with all my heart. But I do know 10 years later, I wish I would have waited....and that would be no matter if I was married to someone or single.

My thoughts frustrates me so much to watch all these other young ladies condoning teens or young women in that same age group to have children. I don't get it, why do these people want to grow up so fast? Its not that great, being an adult comes with a lot...on top of raising children. And the worst part, most of these people bringing babies into this world are dependent on their own family or the government. Their not truly raising that child on their own because their not financially stable. Now...I agree, no time is the right decide to have a baby, because finances can easily come and go (if your not rich). But then you got all the same age group cosigning on this girl's blog....and thats all she wants to hear, is the good comments. Ones that agree with what she wants to hear so she can feel better about her decision. Please........that ain't helping you, thats just reinforcing that immature mentality of what someone told you about.

But I just think...damn, why be on the defense because an older mom is trying to give you another perspective. And the first thing they say, well I know plenty of 30-40 somethings that are way more immature than I am. Greatttt! Now do you want a gold star for that shit? Here's the breakdown, yes age don't mean maturity but then again....age should bring some kind of learning experiences while growing into yourself. I seen it growing up...and still see it today, the problem with young ladies is they think they got it ALLLL figured out. No ain't even touched a lil' bit of the world. And in fact, those women that are much older and still immature...those women are the ones that never learned from those life lessons, the ones that still act like these young kids because they think they got it all figured out as well. Thinking, pssshh, I'm grown...I don't need to hear shit from nobody, I been through this and that. Still on that lil' kid shit. Ha! Well then why are they the same ones fuckin' it up over and over again?

Now for the ones that are willing to learn from others thoughts, advice...thats where you differ. Ones that are not so quick to be defensive....and see the other side for a moment, to take a lil' from that and apply it to themselves. Those are the ones that are maturer. But if you keep on that mentality of well, I made this decision...I know what I want, I know I won't ever feel any different than from this moment (never say never). Well since you got it all figured out now, I can only imagine how well you'll have it figured out 10 years from now....just like those 30 and 40 something mom's your talking about today. Remember a lil' criticism don't hurt nobody, we all have room for improvement.

Now which one are you trying to be? Figure it out...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sick...and dealing w/ kids

So yesterday I started feeling real crappy, I even managed to work through it. I came straight home and just laid it out. I haven't felt this bad in I couldn't tell you. Its rough when your head is pounding, throat is sore and swollen and bodyaches. I feel a lil' better but I want to lay down so bad. But the kids are here.......

I don't know how SAHM's (stay at home mom's) do it while being sick. Sheesh, all I want to do is lay down and sleep. But I have to be up, I really hope I don't get Snuk sick again. Maybe it was him and Nati that got me this way in the first place. Ugggh, please can David get home soon.