Sunday, November 30, 2008

Phase I: The Break Down has begun...

For my close friends, I really need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen at this moment and time. David and I broke up, I'm not sure whats going on with him. I love him and truly felt this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had something special, real special and somehow the break down of it began. The contributors to it?

Partially insecurities, my past bad relationships, even the things he did to cause mistrust (although not big major things, enough to make me not trust him partially). Then there was him......he stopped talking to me. The intimacy stopped, not because I found him less attractive. But because these hormones in my body, feeling sickly and just not in the mood. I was mean to him, real mean at one point. Enough to realize with his words and even on my own.....I was treating him wrong. But then at some point it felt like it was legit and even to this day does.

How am I supposed to feel? I'm now 8 and a half months pregnant and the man I thought was going to be there through out it all, has left me. Why? He says for his own sanity and mind. Excuse me? What have I been dealing with? Poor YOU! I'm the one carrying the weight of all the bills, all the stresses. But you need a break from this and to say a permanent break is even worse.

If my trust in men hasn't been broke down enough, I think this was the kicker. I loved this man sooooo much. I treated him as my husband, I referred to him as that. I praised everything about him, if anything I rarely ever talked to anyone about our problems.......nor ever stated negative things. So much so my dear friends who hated most of my ex's and the crap that is out there, are just as bewildered as I am at this moment.

How can I trust him again? If he was to come back do I take him back? I'm so confused. Here I am, having a child that was planned with alone. I will be going through it all alone in the delivery room again. This is not what I pictured or planned. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. God, why is this happening? Thats all I can ask........I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I know I'm a strong woman........his excuse is I'm always going to be me and he's always going to be him, he's unhappy. I haven't always been happy but I've been trying, I've been trying.........I just don't understand this whatsoever.

But lord knows, if he's gonna leave me now....especially now, when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with a child he wanted originally....when we, well now I am struggling to pay bills alone to make sure this baby and even the other two children have a roof over their head and electricity. Then whats he gonna do in other times? The character he's showing, maybe these are the true colors shining through. He's not tough enough and worst this time around I'm carrying his child. He could leave so easily, no feeling. It makes me wonder what did I do so wrong for you to leave me? To leave your family?

Friday, November 28, 2008


So as times get harder and believe, they are getting much harder for me at this point. We're doing real bad. Its my income only, during the time of year it sucks to depend on only one income. I hate this! I really do.......I hate going through this all over again. I don't know what to do. On top of it, we have a baby on the way. I got some things for the baby via my babyshower but definitely not what is needed for him. We had a bassinet that we took back due to it being recalled. My aunt got a crib and is supposed to be getting it together but I don't know when...we have no bedding for him. We don't even have a carseat to take him home in. I'm really stressing. As time is creeping up on us, he will be here any day. I don't know what to do. I just feel like crying all the time at this point.

Hell, I don't even have money to pay on my deductible to my doctor...however I have applied for Medicaid for pregnant women and for some reason its been held up. So I have no clue whats going on with that and I should have applied for it a long time ago but due to reasons and talks w/ my doctor was thinking I couldn't use Medicaid there. Figures, I talked to an idiot. I just hope it goes through soon. I got CCMS, but I"m still waiting for it to go through on when my mom will get paid for it. It probably won't happen until after the first of the year. I'm just so stressed.

Our rent is coming up......the light bill is due. I don't know what to do. I've already ruled out Christmas for the kids. If anything I will try to get something but its nothing major. It just sucks yet again! We went through this last year. Why are we dealing with this all over again??? I hate struggling and thats what it feels like we're doing ALL the time. I feel like its all on my shoulders yet again, but this time I'm pregnant. Ugggh!!!!!!!!!

Why does it have to be this way? I just want to have a good year during the holidays where I can be excited its the holiday's. My own birthday is coming up and its gonna suck. I'm used to that.

I just don't know what to do at this point. I wish we had more time. I'm ready to break down. So I'm searching for that inspiration, praying and asking God to assist here. I have no where to turn and I don't know what to do.....

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Not a good day...week...month, whatever.

I'm just having a really hard time right now. Dealing with so much stress and stuff in my life. Here its supposed to be a happy time of year, my son will be here soon. The holidays are coming up. Its supposed to be good but I'm falling into a deeper slump.

David and I argue all the time, I'm not sure if its due to hormones...if its me more or him more. Or both. Its just difficult right now. I have no one to vent to about it either. Like the moment I needed to pick up the phone and call a friend, I couldn't think of one person. But then I'm not sure if its depression...and then the stress on top of it.

I think I'm ready to break at this point.