No doubt, I have love in my heart for him still. But now its also filled with painful emotions. The thought of him being with other women, drives me up the wall. It only confirms the end of our relationship even more in my heart. Why does it bother me so? Because I love him, I love him so deeply that its attached to every vessel pumping through my heart. I never wanted to let go of him or the thing that held us together. He was my best friend. We started as friends, we had this bond and connection that was unexplainable. Something I had never felt with someone else. He turned me on with his words and with his listening. He turned me on with his openness. The man that I loved was everything I wanted. He was outgoing with a this fantastic personality, he was willing to learn and be open minded. It was an amazing feeling to feel like I found the person that complimented me. The best part, he felt the same way. It was wow....the best relationship I've ever had.
Then something broke, not sure where. Lack of communication, lack of making sure the spark stayed alive on both sides. It fell down...trust was broken, and no improvements were made.
Its so hard to hold on to something that at times feels isn't worth the effort. Especially when the other person shows its not worth their effort. I was once asked by him, if I thought he was a different person. My answer, yes. Hmmff...but in a good way. He changed into a better man. A great father and was on his way to being a loving husband. Or so I thought. We all have our faults and we're all a work in progress. I seen him changing into a man, not a boy running the streets trying to holla at any girl. A man taking care of his responsibilities and making a life of his own. But maybe he seen differently, I seen the good in him. Its still there and I can't be that angry due to this pain at him.
Its like that song "Fistful of Tears" by Maxwell:
Feel just like a weight has lifted it
How can I repay you help me understand
Currency a fistful of tears I can afford
Fight of your life is not the cost
Time will reveal
All along you’re the one who’s losing
Cause I go insane
Tryin you to keep you from losing your mind
Open your eyes
See what’s in front of your face
Save me my fistful of tears
Just fitting of this moment, at one point I want us back but what I want is the person I knew when we met. The person who did love me unconditionally, the person who would state his undying affections for me, the person who fought for us to work. The realization, he's not that person no more. And it sucks. I pray to God to take this aching pain to go away. I just want it to go away.....