Monday, July 7, 2014

A mind full of confusion

I must admit, I have been so confused lately on a lot of things in my life.  I'm not sure why either.  I feel like I want all these changes but I don't know where to start.

And what changes... changes related to my weight, changes related to how I feel about myself lately.  Changes related to the home front >>> like running a household and keeping our house organized and clean.  Changes at work especially.  I love my job, I do but then again its so frustrating working in the corporate field.  I've been with my company for 5+ years and have not been able to be promoted in the last 3 years.  The question remains in myself... is it me or is it the people in charge.  That is part of the reason I returned to school and to finish my bachelors.  It just sucks because I won't finish my bachelors degree until possibly May 2017.  Which then has me mad at myself even more... for not finishing school earlier.

Maybe its a lot of the blame game internally that is getting me this way.  Lately, I've wanted to just run away.  I keep finding myself wanting to go out and experience life.  WHY?  Because I see others on Facebook getting too.  That is another thing, maybe I need to take a Facebook break.  I just feel so unattached to the people on there (although most are people I know in real life, family and "supposed" friends).

I just feel so all over the place...

And maybe that's why I feel I want this revision surgery.  Fact <<<  I know the surgery will NOT change my emotional ways on how I feel about food or even myself.  Its like I know all the things that need to be done, I know what I need to do.  Why can't I just do it!  Add in, I see some people who lose the weight... and almost look down upon those of us still struggling.  Don't think I don't blame myself over and over again... regarding the use of my Lap Band.  I have a ton of self guilt for not using it to my advantage.  However, I will be real and say.. this is the first real time I've attempted to lose weight.  I have commitment issues overall in all areas of my life.  I'm getting better with fulfilling what I'm doing, but prior to this WLS... I really never tried to lose weight.  I did Weight Watchers........ 1 week, bought all the crap and never went back.  Tried some Dr's weight loss program w/ pills....... didn't like how the pills made me feel, quit.  Ever really tried working out?  Lasted at most... 1-2 weeks.

So the reality is... is it worth getting a revision, can I commit to this decision and REALLY make it work?  Maybe thats why I'm so confused.  I don't want to be judged by people.  People who say, "Oh, but I thought you already had surgery."  I just want to shoot them the freakin' side eye... and be like... shut the hell up.  And even as I read through past posts on here, I forgot what I went through the 1st year having this in.  I couldn't effectively lose weight or get fills because of other medical things happening.  Add in the sorry ass service provided by True Results.  But somewhere along the route, I gave up on me.

I'm not happy right now... and I don't know where to start.  Yeah... this post is all over the place.  Lol.

1 comment:

Tracey said...

I felt the same way when I was deciding on revision. I have to have the band removed because it is causing GI issues and I can't have a fill. But it has been a painful decision process and I feel a lot of shame. I think the "successful" WLS understand and wouldn't judge. We have a very kind blog community. I know that I will never judge anyone who regains after WLS. Hell I gained 15 pounds in 6 weeks after my unfill. It was so easy.