Lets just say this goes back to last month, and a person I dated prior to Mr. Punk. He hit me up on email one day at work, telling me he hoped I found someone right for me and someone that would make me happy, but he had deleted his myspace page and was doing it out of respect for his current woman. Thats real talk, if thats his real intentions and I can't do nothing but respect that. But at the same time, it hurt. Because not even a week prior to that he was calling me up telling me he missed me, calling my daughter his own. I blew it off as nothing but bullshit. Obviously it was, but to have him tell me he's not going to talk to me no more out of respect for someone new in his life. It hurt. Mainly because he wouldn't make that same sacrafice for me. It cut me deep.
Then, to go through the things with Mr. Punk and my ex-roomie. Just all the lies and deception, the games played...the bullshit. Its brought me down to an all time low emotionally. Here I've put on this happy face, trying to act like I got it together, act like I'm past all these things. I'm not. I admit it. I'm so sick of being hurt and done over by people. Men especially.
Worse, today it hit me that maybe the problem isn't the men. Maybe its me? Could it be? I mean the same things are happening, with different men. Is it me causing this? Am I doing something to sabotage these relationships? Of course my friends would say no Amanda, but then again they ain't the ones listening to me question these men. Its like the fear of being hurt, of being done raggody by someone after giving my heart...takes over and I start questioning and badgering these men. Thats not saying they didn't cause things to trigger it. But it makes me truly wonder what mistakes am I making in all these relationships.
And the reason for these thoughts, because I have had quite a few men tell me I'm a good woman and that they hope nothing but the best for me...that I find the person that makes me happy. Well whats wrong with me then? I couldn't make them happy? What is the problem.........am I ever going to find someone that loves me for me, that can understand what I'm going through. I'm tired of handing my heart over and as soon as I do, they stomp on it. What am I doing wrong with these men? When it boils down to it, I just need to be alone...and I mean alone and deal with being alone. I think I hold fear in that, getting to know Amanda and finding that self-love. I don't think I have.