My 6 Week Follow-Up... and the weigh-in

Alright... so I weighed in this morning at home and the number came to... 200.0 lbs.  Woo hoo!!  I am down 1.6 lbs. even after my big number last week.  Perfectly fine with it because, this is yet another week I am at the lowest weight I've ever been at.

I also went to my 6-week follow-up this morning.  Dr. G. said I am doing very well in my weight loss, considering the word on the street is you lose slower with a revision.  So I am officially down 42 lbs. since my highest weight and down 24 lbs. since surgery at 7 weeks post-op.  I will take that.

We went over my protein and water intake.  I am like right under... getting about 50-60 grams of protein a day in and about 6 cups of water.  I'm trying to get it up there.  It is so hard, between eating and drinking water.  I feel full constantly, almost miserable full.  I never really thought it would be that hard, or I don't remember that in the beginning with the Lap Band.  But he did say he wanted me to get both up where I need them.  That is one of my goals.  The next step is true exercise and making that a priority in my busy schedule.  I've been walking, but not on a consistent basis,  My schedule with work, school and the kids has made time hard to come by.

So once I get my protein/water up to standard levels, he said eating 800-900 calories a day at this point is good.  That once the other two factors are up there, if I stall... then up my calorie intake to 300+ for about 3 days and then drop back to the usual.

Another thing that came up is, I have been having weird pains in my right side.  I feel it if I stretch and every now and then, its a pain that comes and goes.  If I press on that side, it hurts.  He said its my gallbladder flaring up.  Told me to drink more water, but we will keep an eye on it.  To be honest, I was feeling these pains prior to seeing him.  So we will see if that is an issue later.

Other than that... go back to see him in 6-weeks again and goal is to lose 18 lbs. by that point.  He did say if I don't make it to 18 lbs by then, is it the end of the world... no, but goals are good.  Lol.  I can dig that.

And here are some side by sides of me... and my hubby from Christmas yesterday.

Hola! Sickly, weigh-in and 6-weeks Post-Op

So I've been sick since about Monday... found out it is the flu.  I haven't had the flu in over 10 years but I was told after a major surgery, we tend to have lowered immune systems.  Who knows because even before that I managed to get the stomach virus twice and was in the ER for dehydration.  Lol.  This year has just been a crazy year with me catching illnesses.  Basically I am contributing any weight loss this week partially due to the flu.  I haven't been hungry although I did eat a couple of times.  I've mainly been drinking water and hot tea with honey for my throat.

As of this morning and after stepping on and off and on and off again... and having my son check his weight, I weighed in at 201.6 lbs.  My lowest-low!  I couldn't get this low with the lap band.  I am down 6 lbs. since last Friday.

I wanted to post this picture from last week... The had scrambled eggs for breakfast, how much I could eat.  And I was totally full - like a real full feeling and not uncomfortable.  And it lasted for awhile, I really don't get the feeling of being hungry unless I don't take my heartburn medication - when the acids get going - I'm like starving, weird...  But its still amazes me that this sleeve works this way.

So I'm 6 weeks out from the surgery... and down about 40.4 lbs. since my highest weight of 242 lbs. in June 2014.  Since my pre-op diet, I've lost 28.4 lbs and that started 10/21/2014.  And since surgery, I've lost 22.4 lbs.  I'm really happy I made this decision.  At times its frustrating because my fat girl mentality creeps in and wants to devour all these great foods out... especially this time of year.  But I'm so happy I've done this.  I can only imagine how things will be after the 1st of the year.

I did do measurements prior to surgery... and recently measured myself, I have lost some inches.  Not much up top because I was told I can't work out upper portion.  Although I will admit, I haven't worked out bottom much other than walking for my normal activities... but I've been pretty busy with school and work.  So I think its time to start getting an exercise regime in, after I finish getting over this flu --- not sure of how long that will be, I'm feeling okay today just head congestion and no fever in a day.  Maybe start on Monday with doing some walking on the treadmill and elliptical.  And will definitely have to increase my calories for this.  Its going to be interesting.

That is all... also, I'm on Instagram if you want to add me (Manda1280).

Weigh-In stuff

Weigh-in has come... and I'm down to 207.6 lbs.  That's 1.4 lbs down from last weekend.  I'm not losing 4 lbs. a week like my doctor wants but personally, as long as I'm losing... that's all that matters.  I'm very close to my lowest low with the Lap Band and excited just to get under 200 lbs. at this point.

I managed to get my water intake up to 5 cups a day, I think that definitely helped.  So I'm going to work on getting 6 cups a day this coming week --- I guess have it correlate with my post-op week.  Lol.  And keep working on getting my protein in, I do good certain days and struggle others.  I just know I hate protein shakes --- with a passion at this point.  I am eating pureed/soft foods and thats part of why I might not get in as much protein.  Although, I do crave protein just not in the form of a damn shake.  Blech!

In other news... I have one more week of class for the fall semester, I have lots of work to complete still because the last four weeks have been majorly crazy and off for me.

So until next week... hoping for another good loss.  :)

Weigh-in Friday, Emotional? and Good things

So I weighed in this past Friday, on my birthday and I'm down 1 lb.  That is the type of stuff that gets me worried and well, it lets me know I'm not doing something right.

But then again, I lost 3.4 lbs right after Thanksgiving and my period coming (figures).  So I guess its okay because in the end, a loss is a loss right?

And I have to remember... since I'm now at 209 lbs, I am actually 2 pounds away from the lowest low I had with the lap band three years ago.  And that was struggle then to get to 207 lbs.  So I have to keep my head up and going.  I'm really trying NOT to be scale obsessed but its hard.  I think its hard this time around than before.  I also know that I have this goal of getting not only under 200 but to 195 by the time I see my doc.  He's pretty aggressive in the weight loss thing, but I'm glad - someone is keeping me accountable.

I am currently eating pureed and soft foods.  And for my birthday last Friday, my best friend and some co-workers bought me a Magic Bullet.  I'm excited to try it out, so I bought me some food to try it with.  Tonight, I had egg salad..... it was so yummy!  I probably ate like 3 oz.  I was so full.  Its crazy to say I was so full with that amount of food.  I always wanted that feeling of satiety with the lap band and to actually get it with this, its crazy and still hard to believe.

I do have to say... the grocery bill is a lot cheaper here.  Lol.  I do feel bad for the kiddos because I haven't been cooking much, nor has my husband.  He also got his sleeve surgery this past Tuesday.  So we're doing this together, how awesome is that?

I also went and had a massage for my birthday.... 110 minutes with hot stones.  It was so good and the therapist was not my usual, but she was awesome.

Thats another thing..... I just turned 34 and maybe its more from surgery, but since surgery... I feel so emotional.  Like wanting to cry a lot.  I don't know why.  This is really out of character for me.  I mean, like getting the Magic Bullet for my birthday... I started crying out of the thoughtfulness, thats NOT how I was before.  Lol.

Fear of failure and feeling down

So I'm back to work, back to school (two new classes started up last week) and trying to get back to my normal routine of life.  Has the surgery changed my life much?  Umm... it seems like it hasn't yet it has in what I'm eating or not eating.

This past week, I guess the loss of about 24 pounds within a month has finally caught up with how I look physically.  Some co-workers are noticing and saying stuff.  Which is cool.  They say they see it in my face and my back.  I notice it in my clothes more, I haven't been able to move down in a pants size yet, because my stomach is always the last to lose but my thighs and butt area are really lose and shirts that were tighter seem looser.  That is a good feeling, however I feel like I have nothing to wear at the same time.  I feel like hiding in my baggy clothes too.  Like, I want to cover myself up.

I am suffering from the biggest fear that I will fail this like I feel that I failed with the band.  And even after I've come to terms with the fact that the band and I just didn't work well together, there is still a feeling of failure with it.

Add in... I am now weighing 210 lbs. as of yesterday (changed my weigh in days to Fridays officially).  And I realized I am now 3 lbs away from the 35 lbs lost mark I had with the band.  I'm scared my body will be like... well, you hit 207 lbs... your done.  Lol.  Maybe that's illogical, who knows.

I admit, I haven't started exercising - then again I am not officially released to do more strenuous exercise.  I was okay'd to do more walking, elliptical or biking if I want to.  I really should but I'm also afraid that since I'm not getting many calories in, that will eat up all the calories I have.  And its hard to eat as is.  I'm officially on the pureed/soft diet, but the problem is I don't feel hungry ever and when I do --- I fill up quickly on like 2-4 oz's, depending on the time of day.  I need to get my protein in and up to at least 70 grams.  At most, I'm getting 35 - 50 a day.  The same goes with getting water in.  I get so full and almost miserable feeling, I don't want to push things.

I'm basically eating... 500 - 700 calories a day, which is what my doctor recommended for this time period.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing --- yeah, most likely.  I've also noticed I feel really down lately.  I'm not sure if its the holidays, which makes me think of my family -  and how much my family sucks lately.  I have tried to help certain family members this past year, but in the end I end up getting screwed by them.  I feel super extra emotional too.  I don't know what it is lately but I just don't feel happy lately.  I hope I can pull out of these feelings soon.

Also... side note:  I am trying to update this blog as I can but I'm usually on Instagram with more frequent updates.  You can follow me at Manda1280.

Soooo... I'm alive and well

So I am a little over a week post-op from getting the vertical gastric sleeve.  I'm feeling way better.  No pain meds, only a little bit of pain in my right side where most of the work was done (basically removing my stomach out of it).  I did have a new incision that they removed my lap band port out of but not much pain there.

I have been extremely fatigued and since about a week post-op, super emotional.  I think the tired feeling is from doing the clear liquid phase.  But I had my post-op appointment this past Wednesday and was given the okay to move onto full liquids, which includes creamy soups and protein shakes, etc.  My doctor also said I could start my vitamins, usually he waits until two weeks out but I was already low on the B12 and vitamin D side... so I've been taking my vitamins and I think its helping.  I got back on December 26th for my 6 week follow-up.

My doctor said the ultimate goal is to get me down at least 30 lbs within the first 6 weeks of surgery.  Well when I weighed in at the doctors office on Wednesday, I was 219 lbs (with clothes on, when I weighed at home it was 218 lbs, lol).  So I have lost about 8 lbs. since surgery.  He said I'm doing well.  So I need to lose 4 lbs. every week until I go back.  I am sure that is possible, especially since I will be on full liquids for 2 weeks, and then finally move onto the pureed foods stage until the 6 weeks is hit.  Another goal is to eat 500 - 700 calories a day, get in over 70 grams of protein a day and at least 64 ounces of water obviously.

I know with the creamy soups... because yes, as soon as I left his office I went straight to the grocery store for food! Lol.  I could probably only eat 3-4 ounces, if that.  Which is fine.  It was just nice to taste something other than clear liquids.  Blah!

And I can't help but to keep on weighing myself every day.  I need to stop it before I become scale obsessed.  I know better.  But I weighed today and I'm 214.2 lbs.  Its just crazy to me that I'm losing like this so fast.

I also attempted to go back to work yesterday, ended up coming home.  I am so tired.  Plan is to go back on Monday.  At least then the following week we have days off for the holiday.  I also start my next two classes for the Fall semester, but they are just 5 weeks (can't wait til thats done and I haven't even started yet).

So thats about it.

2 days post-op with the VSG

So I've been kind of busy with all sorts of appointments.  But the morning of my surgery this past Tuesday, I was weighing in at 224.0.  In total I lost 6 lbs. while on my pre-op diet.  I'm okay with that.  A loss is a loss.

So the day of surgery, I was scheduled to be there at 9:15am for surgery to start at 11:15am.  Unfortunately my surgeon got behind with other revision surgeries, so I didn't go in until about 4ish or so.  I stayed overnight in my own room and the staff was wonderful.  I was weighed after the surgery and up to 229.2 but that was probably due to all the fluids they had pumped in me.  So I figured I'd step on the scale this morning and I'm down to 222.4.

I will do my best not to become over obsessed with the scale... <<< Haha.  So I'm working on getting 64 ounces of water in and protein.  I do have to say that this surgery feels a little harder compared to the LapBand.  Maybe its because I'm older, I don't know.  But it feels like I did 1,000 crunches or something.  And all the gas from it, seems to be stuck in my stomach... no where near my shoulder area.  Thankfully, I have Gas-X strips.  Thinking of it, need to take my prilosec.  I actually feel a little better this evening.  It is all about walking, sipping water, walking, sipping more water.

Overrall... I'm just resting.  But figured I'd update on here.

The proof is in the protein shakes ---

So I weighed yesterday... I couldn't wait.  I wanted to know if all these damn protein shakes, sugar free jello, broth were paying off.  And the drum roll on loss is....

Yep... down 5 lbs.  Kind of crazy.  Even stranger is people asking if I lost weight.  Lol.  I know it can't be that noticeable.  But then again... since June 26, 2014; when I was at my highest of 241.5, I am down about 15 or so pounds.  I think MyFitnessPal rounds up or something.  The good news is I'm back in some work pants that I busted the button on... and I learned how to sew on a button.  Learning new things.  Haha.

So the good news is, I haven't had no other breaks in this diet.  I'm feeling pretty good and want to keep this thing going.  We shall see what I weigh come Sunday.  

I know one thing is for sure --- I need to drink water!  I've been drinking these Fruit2o drinks, they are pretty good.  That is helping but I have to make it priority because I have been having issues with going numero dos.  Its freakin like rocks scrapping my poor butt.  I wanted to cry.  Its bad enough having freakin constipation issues from the band but this high protein is not helping and I forgot that I need to have all water in with high protein.  Its just hard since I am drinking what I'm eating and then don't feel like drinking water after that.  Meh.

As for my Healthcare Admin class... its just going.  My professor is so laid back and chill, its strange.  Well more so than others at school.  Got 3 more weeks of class with this and then onto Western Civilization and Spreadsheet Software.  Sucks having to get your core classes still.  But I will get through this and I will be lookin' FLYY come graduation.  :)

Weigh-in... what?

So I keep forgetting to blog on my weigh-in days.  It was so much easier at work.  Lol.  Anywho, weighed myself on Monday and I was 230.4 lbs.  I dropped like 0.6 lbs.  Hahaha.  No lie, I ate bad because I knew that my 2 week pre-op diet was coming up fast.  So I wanted to enjoy regular food prior to doing liquids.

In fact... I'm doing liquids for about 6 weeks straight.  Thats 2 weeks pre-op of full liquids, 2 weeks of clear liquids post-op and then 2 more weeks of full liquids.  I had a hard time the first night... did good at work - usual, but at home with the husband and kids eating... I was like, let me eat.  Thank God for my husband, helped pull me through it.  And then I chose to go to bed early to stop the head hunger.  I did fine yesterday... and in fact was fine at night.

So I'm on day 3 of this full liquid.  I was fine but I had to do some pre-op class at the hospital and meet with the anesthesiologist and do some last minute tests, etc.  I made sure to have a shake prior to going there at 9am.  Got to the hospital at 10am... and I didn't realize it was going to take so long, I didn't leave until 3pm.  I was starving and I saw a P. Terry's... I got me a small burger combo with a shake.  I knew better but I did it.  On to the next day and working on making sure I don't have that happen again.  Just sucks when my protein shakes are usually cold, I guess now that I think about it... I could have stopped by a corner store and got something --- but not all protein shakes are the same.  Ahh... just excuses, next time I will go get one at a corner stores.  Thats better than the decision I made.

I did my measurements and I'm updating my weight on the tab for VSG Stats.

Thats about it.

Some good news!

I haven't posted in a minute because 1. my job no longer allows us to use the internet as freely and 2. my computer at home has been on the crapper --- just cleaned it out & hoping it works better.

I did weigh myself last Sunday... and I am down 1 more pound to 231 lbs.  I have been doing horribly at NOT eating out.  So easy, so convenient.  I have to figure something better out for myself and my family in general.  I'm still logging all of my food intake with MyFitnessPal, so far I'm on a 26 day streak, whoop whoop!  Only bad thing is... I'm struggling with drinking water.

I also got my FitBit and I'm using it religiously as well.  I like seeing my numbers and in some ways it is keeping me accountable.  I may be eating a little over my calories but not as bad as it could be. 

Anywho... the big BIG news is that after doing all the things I needed to do with my insurance ---- I have been approved through insurance to have my revision from the Lap Band to the VSG!  So I will be doing my best to document everything related to it here.  My surgery is scheduled for November 4, 2014.  Its crazy because its almost 5 years since I had my band put in place (November 17, 2009).  They will be removing the Lap Band, any scar tissue from it and doing the sleeve all at the same time.  I'm kind of scared of the thought of really cutting part of my stomach off, which is the reason I didn't go through with the more permanent option in 2009.  But I know this is ultimately the best thing for me.  I'm using a different surgeon, the staff is amazing --- and I love the fact that my surgeon is totally involved in this whole process compared to what I dealt with, with True Results -- I never saw my surgeon EVER again --- prior to the surgery.  Woke up, didn't see him.

I will not bash the Lap Band because to be honest, it did help me.  I did lose some weight, but I also think had it not been in me this whole time, I could have gone up to 300 pounds easily.  So it has helped and I didn't have a totally bad experience with it related to medical issues like erosion or slippage.  The only thing is... like a relationship, the band and I were not meant to be together forever.

I start my 2-week pre-op diet this coming Tuesday...

That means doing the protein shakes, sugar-free jello/popsicles, soup broth and lots of water to help shrink the fat on my liver.  I forgot how it went 5 years ago.  I do have to say that in the last few weeks... even with eating out, its not like I have this ultimate craving to do so.  I just do it so I can eat something and its easy.  In fact, lately food has been tasting different to me... its just not the same.  So hopefully that's a good thing.  I'm not that hungry either... I have to remind myself to eat.

So the last few weeks, I've been trying out different versions of pre-made protein drinks... Muscle Milk... blech.  I tried this clear drink called Isopure, it was this fruit punch thing... it was okay, but it felt like it dried my mouth out.  Lol.  So in the end, I had to drink water.  But that drink had like 40 grams of protein, easy right... not when it dries your mouth out from the whey protein and aftertaste.  I don't mind the EAS Advan shakes.  I will probably go with those.  But I am also thinking of just buying the powder and making my own again... I can deal with that taste over pre-made.

So yeah... that's whats going on with the whole surgery thing.  In other great news, my husband is in the works for getting the surgery himself.  He was recently diagnosed with hypertension and put on meds.  And he has to go see a cardiologist (hoping its nothing too serious) and he can get his clearance to get his health in order.  It wouldn't be so bad doing this journey with him.

That's about it.

Weigh In for 10.05.2014

Alright... this weekend was pretty busy.  I'm so exhausted from it.  I had a baby shower that I was hosting for my good friend.  Her baby is due near my birthday in December.  I'm so happy that the shower part is done.  Lol.  However, I did have a fun time preparing for it.  It was the executing the party part... that stressed me.  Add in my children or TEENAGER and his friends annoying me during the process.

Now as for my weigh in yesterday...

Weigh-In:  232.0

That is a loss of about 2.8 lbs. I think.  Not bad.  I do have to admit though, I've been eating so bad.  I wanted to do this 30-day challenge of not eating out.  Uggh.  So hard.  The late nights for working and school, have made it hard to really do a better job of meal planning and grocery shopping.  Add in this past weekend with the shower.  I'm out for the count.  But I've been managing to stay under my calories for the day and I've been faithfully using my FitBit.  

I really need to get in more water.  I had my last Personal Wellness class this past Thursday night.  I was talking with some classmates, who suggested I just have a water bottle that I carry every where with me.  I am going to invest in one of those.  Usually, I just have my water cup at my desk at work and really don't drink a lot of water outside of work.  It was also suggested that when I wake up first thing in the morning, drink at least 8 oz. of water, to get things moving inside and wake up my metabolism.  I will work on that too.  I know water is sooooo important.  I need to fall back in "like" with it.  Oh and by the way... I got an A in this class.  So happy to have another few credits to add toward obtaining my bachelors degree.  I am also very happy to be able to see my oldest son, Aries play football again now that my Thursday evenings are free.

Another good thing is that I have been tracking my food faithfully, each day on MyFitnessPal.  Even with all the bad food choices.  I am hoping this helps me change things by being aware.  So I will keep up my previous goals, trying to take baby steps into doing things that worked.

So as mentioned, I hosted the baby shower for my best friend.  It had a nice turn out.  And overall, she was happy.  Here is a little photo of it.

Until next time... 

Weigh In for 9.27.2014

So I'm back to this weigh loss thing.  I know that I weighed 236.0 exactly when I went to the doctors on the 19th.  But as of this past Saturday... I weighed in at:

Weigh-In:  234.8

I am down a pound or so.  I know I planned on working on some goals... and I'm proud to say, I did accomplish most.  I have been logging my food every day with myfitnesspal.  Its a habit, I really need to stay on top of.  Its always good to know what your putting in your mouth.  As for drinking at least 64 ounces of water, did not happen every day.  I really need to get that water in, so I'm hoping to get this one done this week.  

Then eating fast food... ahhh, so hard too.  I did manage to have us eat out only 3 times this week --- thats for like lunch and dinner two times.  The rest, we stayed to eating what we bought for groceries.  Going to work on that more this week as well.

And exercise... well, I didn't get in at least 3 times this week but I did get in 1 time.  I say, thats better than nada.  

To be honest, I woke up Wednesday morning with my back in extreme pain.  I've never encountered that before.  I am thinking it was due to doing planks while exercising the last two weeks.  I have to remember that I am really out of shape and shouldn't push myself, thinking... I got this.  Thats how you hurt yourself. Ha!  I gotta learn the hard way.  I've been icing it, getting chiropractic adjustments and doing some stretches.  Its starting to feel better but still sore.  Hopefully, I can get some walking time in this week.

Reminders... of what being bigger is like

So those of you who may have forgotten, because apparently I have... when you get back to the weight you were at, pre-op... it really does suck.

Apparently I'm the type of person that has to learn the hard way or need multiple reminders.  Since gaining my weight back... the sore feet (add in sore calves) now exist.  And now sore lower backs.  Look, I am a cutie with a booty and that doesn't help but having a sore lower back is no joke.  I've never dealt with back problems before.  But I know its because I'm over weight and add in I'm starting to exercise and do things to get my body back in better health.

IT JUST SUCKS in the meantime.

So onto getting a chiropractic adjustment today and ibuprofen.  :(

That is all...

Some small goals to work on

I planned to start doing my weigh-in pictures and things on Sundays but forgot.  So out of routine.  I am back to logging my food.  Not every day but at least during the week.  Its so hard to remember these things and get back in the habit.  But for the record, I guess you can say my starting weight at the doctor's office was 241.0.  When I went in this past Friday, I was 236.0.  So I have lost 5 lbs since my initial visit in June.  Probably due to having the stomach bug a few weeks ago.  Lol.

So I think I will set some goals to accomplish this week, to help me get back in the mode of the basics.

• Weigh-ins on Sunday mornings, beginning this coming Sunday on 9/28/2014.
• Log all food and drinks in MyFitnessPal, every day this week.
• Drink at least 64 ounces of water each day this week.
• No fast food at all this week, except one meal (on weekend) is allowed.
• Exercise:  Go walking at least 30 minutes, 3 times this week (this includes class on Thursday)

Time to get this thing started again... It also helps that I'm taking this Personal Wellness class (required core course) for my degree plan.  But its just bringing me back to the basics.  And although I only attend class one night a week with this class, we have to work out the last 30 minutes.  We have been doing circuit training, which is pretty cool.  The first night, I was so sore from doing squats and lunges.  And even though I didn't work out any more after that >>> I have been running more errands.  I think the next class, I gained some strength in my muscles because I didn't get as sore the next time.  That actually makes me look forward to it.

As for the revision surgery, I completed my endoscopy.  I did it in office and through my nose.  Wow!  Its not the worse thing ever or really painful but yeah... its a crazy feeling being awake trying to swallow a tube down your throat.  Lol.  I think the worst part was him adding air into it... just makes me gag thinking of it.  Haha.  He did say however that my band was perfect, no erosion or slippage.  He's just worried that once submitting to insurance, it may not be covered.  I am too to be honest.  They plan to submit the whole information package to the insurance today and it can taken probably 2-3 weeks to hear back on denial or approval of the procedure.  I really hope it gets approved.  I truly feel like if I get this surgery, I will lose the 80 lbs I need to lose to be healthy.  Even then, in the meantime... I am working on getting back into the basics mode for the band.  I have to get my mind right.

Alright... laters.

My dedication to Pretty

Rest in Peace my sweet, Pretty. 1999 - 2014

One update I really haven't talked much about is... the loss of my cat.  She died on August 26, 2014 at about 4 am.  She was 15 years old and her name was Pretty.

I've had her since I was 18 years old, even before my oldest son was born.  Initially she was a shy and timid girl.  But later, after her brother moved out - he moved in with a neighbor of mine, she came out of her shell and was a very sweet, loving cat.  She dealt with my three children, all while they were growing and learning how to treat animals.  She was very patient with some ear/tail pulling, picking up and rough hugs.  She would make squeaks and this face, like help me please.  Lol.  But she never would scratch them.

I've always been a cat lover.  After having to give up my orange tabby, Morris at the age of 13 to the shelter... I told myself, I would never get a cat again unless I knew that I could keep it for their entire life.  And Pretty was the cat, I was blessed to have.  I truly hope she did not suffer and that she had an awesome cat life with me.

A gift from friends in her memory.

Just thinking about it, makes me want to cry.  I'm going to be honest, I would joke around a lot about when she passed because I knew she was really old, but never in a million years did I think she would die --- or that I would witness it.  She basically died at home, in front of her food bowl.  She has had a history of asthma but other than that, she was healthy.  In fact, I had just taken her in for a check up back in April and the vet said she was doing fine.

Romeo... napping.

All I can think is, she had a heart attack or something.  I really can't pinpoint on if it was due to her asthma or what.  I still hold a lot of guilt.  I think about her a lot, especially because my other cat, he seems to appear like he's lonely being the only cat.  When I got him, he was just a kitten and Pretty was there for him.  Now, he's alone.  I feel bad for him.

I'm sure Romeo is fine... just look at this picture.  Although prior to Pretty dying, he would never of sat up there on the couch that long or even allowed a cover on him.  Now I feel overly cautious with him.  He's 8 years old and now considered a senior.  It makes me want to go take him to the vet, get all those blood tests and make sure he's okay.

Its strange... without her around anymore.

Whats happenin'

I figured I will try to make a commitment with posting at least 1 time per week.  Blogging keeps me accountable for my weight loss efforts and its nice to just record about my life.

Regarding the weight loss part... I have two appointments this week, tomorrow for my psych evaluation and then on Friday for my endoscopy.  I am hoping that after the appointment on Friday, the surgery date will be set.  In the meantime, I am now back on MyFitnessPal to start tracking my food, exercise and water in take.  Definitely needed.  Especially getting my water intake in order.  After being sick two weeks ago and getting dehydrated, I need to get the water in my system.  The doctor's office gave me a protein shake to try called Premier... Hmmm... vanilla was okay.  I usually stay away from vanilla flavors because I know they are usually not that good, at least to me.  Maybe chocolate next time.

I will be taking four classes this fall semester, but currently only doing 2 right now.  One for my major in Healthcare Admin and Personal Wellness for my core classes.  It actually comes at the same time that I am trying to get things in order for my health.  So part of this class requires creating a wellness plan for myself, which includes all my "numbers" like cholesterol, glucose, weight, etc. and how to improve it with a plan.  I'm really excited to get this all in order.  I kind of enjoy the fact that I'm starting brand new.  This is a different start to it though.  I've always had problems with committing but I feel this is different, same way I felt about going back to school.  I feel that thing pushing me forward to accomplish this and be a better person.

So the good news... I got my results back on my "Know Your Numbers" that my job does annually and I am doing so well in my cholesterol, it has finally dropped to good numbers.  Now its time to get my weight in control.

In other news, my oldest son is playing for his high school freshman football team and doing so well.  He's a wide receiver and has managed to get a touchdown in each game so far.

I also took my daughter to a dance clinic with the local Leander High School Blue Belles.  It was a surprise for her.  She was involved in softball but wanted a break last season.  I figured she may enjoy this, let her try some things out.  The dance clinic was just some exposure to it.  So I have decided to sign her up for a few dance classes to see if she likes it, doing it with beginners.  She doesn't know this yet, I have surprised her with these things.  Lol.  I just want her to stay active and be open to trying things.  So we will see how it goes, this evening.

As for Brayden, we haven't put him in any activity yet.  I think we just need to focus on school at this point.  Haha.

I'm also working on baby shower stuff for my best friend.  She is due in December and I am hosting the shower.  I managed to accomplish a lot of errands this past weekend related to it.  Its scheduled to happen in October.  I hope it turns out well.  Especially with how flaky some people are.  Say they will come and don't.  Thats my fear, that no one will come.  *crosses fingers*

Well thats about it so far this week...

Yeah... so, um...

So I've been gone for awhile.  There were a lot of personal things going on that needed to be dealt with.  Mainly my own marriage.  I really thought it was done.  Yet, we have worked through it for the most part.  Always a work in process.  I know this and actually having to go through this, just reinforces how hard relationships are to maintain.

Outside of that, I basically was focusing on my school stuff.  With the end of the summer term, I was struggling big time with my College Algebra and New Testament classes.  I really thought I was going to fail College Algebra.  However, I managed to pass it with a C.  I'm okay with that.  Not totally proud but it was hard.  I also received a B in New Testament, I thought I would get an A but the professor was kind of tough.

Another good thing was I was able to take the kids down to South Padre Island for an end of summer vacation.  It was nice, really enjoyed it.

So summer is over and school is back in for the fall.  Not only have I started my next 4 classes for the fall, but the kids are back in school.  My oldest son, Aries is now a freshman in high school.  My daughter, Natalya is in 5th grade and my youngest son, Brayden is in kindergarten.  Its crazy how fast time has flown by.

First day of school.  Aug 2014.

Now with regard to my revision on the LapBand? Well I have decided to proceed with removing the LapBand and getting the VSG. After talking more not only with the doctor who will be performing and with my own family doctor, I feel more comfortable with the decision to do this.  So right now, I'm in the works of getting things in order for insurance purposes.  Hopefully after next week, I will know of a possible surgery date.  Kind of feeling excited, yet nervous as well. 

Clarification for me... has come

I do have to say, I am in a better place today... than I have been the last two weeks.  I do believe that the doctor I seen for the revision surgery, does take band patients from other doctors.  I am thinking about inquiring with that instead of the actual revision.

So yeah, I met with the new doc.  Do you know how awesome it was to meet with him.  I was so nervous.  But he did the consultation.  He explained everything, he went through my entire record and really spent the time to go over this with me.  Just that in general... makes me wish he was my doctor for the band.  He did say he believes the VSG would be right for me and even though there is the chance of it being harder to lose with a revision, it shouldn't be for me since technically I didn't lose close to 80-100 lbs like others and then gain it back.  So there is hope, its just all about the finances now.  To be honest, thats the part that scares the me most.

So looking into all that jazz.  I'm still on the fence...

But with regard to other life things, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky type of chic.  So when I go dark... its real dark.  I'm feeling better, its time to get things in order.

Add in going back to school and the frustrations of being in a job where you feel like there is no room for promotions.  But school is my focus... outside of focusing on myself and the family.  I am in the middle of taking my College Algebra class, it SUCKS!  I just pray to pass with at least a C.  It has been over 10 years since I took my last math class.

Another thing is I disconnected from Facebook.   I kind of realized that it preoccupied too much of my time.  Now I'm not off anything else... but I rarely get on other social media things.  I have my IG, Kik and Snapchat... mainly to watch my 14 year old son.  LOL.  And add in, I just kind of felt like certain so-called friends or family were not connected to me and my every day life.  I don't think I want to share much of my life with them and other people I rarely interact with except on there.  I think some family/friends assumed because we are connected on there... there is no need to call, text or even physically hang out since they know what is up with me.  When in reality, they DON'T.  Instead of feeling connected to people on Facebook, I actually feel disconnected and almost lonely.  And I figure, if these people want to know whats up with me, they can put in the effort.

So yeah... a lot of thinking... don't have all the answers, but I do feel better.

A mind full of confusion

I must admit, I have been so confused lately on a lot of things in my life.  I'm not sure why either.  I feel like I want all these changes but I don't know where to start.

And what changes... changes related to my weight, changes related to how I feel about myself lately.  Changes related to the home front >>> like running a household and keeping our house organized and clean.  Changes at work especially.  I love my job, I do but then again its so frustrating working in the corporate field.  I've been with my company for 5+ years and have not been able to be promoted in the last 3 years.  The question remains in myself... is it me or is it the people in charge.  That is part of the reason I returned to school and to finish my bachelors.  It just sucks because I won't finish my bachelors degree until possibly May 2017.  Which then has me mad at myself even more... for not finishing school earlier.

Maybe its a lot of the blame game internally that is getting me this way.  Lately, I've wanted to just run away.  I keep finding myself wanting to go out and experience life.  WHY?  Because I see others on Facebook getting too.  That is another thing, maybe I need to take a Facebook break.  I just feel so unattached to the people on there (although most are people I know in real life, family and "supposed" friends).

I just feel so all over the place...

And maybe that's why I feel I want this revision surgery.  Fact <<<  I know the surgery will NOT change my emotional ways on how I feel about food or even myself.  Its like I know all the things that need to be done, I know what I need to do.  Why can't I just do it!  Add in, I see some people who lose the weight... and almost look down upon those of us still struggling.  Don't think I don't blame myself over and over again... regarding the use of my Lap Band.  I have a ton of self guilt for not using it to my advantage.  However, I will be real and say.. this is the first real time I've attempted to lose weight.  I have commitment issues overall in all areas of my life.  I'm getting better with fulfilling what I'm doing, but prior to this WLS... I really never tried to lose weight.  I did Weight Watchers........ 1 week, bought all the crap and never went back.  Tried some Dr's weight loss program w/ pills....... didn't like how the pills made me feel, quit.  Ever really tried working out?  Lasted at most... 1-2 weeks.

So the reality is... is it worth getting a revision, can I commit to this decision and REALLY make it work?  Maybe thats why I'm so confused.  I don't want to be judged by people.  People who say, "Oh, but I thought you already had surgery."  I just want to shoot them the freakin' side eye... and be like... shut the hell up.  And even as I read through past posts on here, I forgot what I went through the 1st year having this in.  I couldn't effectively lose weight or get fills because of other medical things happening.  Add in the sorry ass service provided by True Results.  But somewhere along the route, I gave up on me.

I'm not happy right now... and I don't know where to start.  Yeah... this post is all over the place.  Lol.

Whats going on?

I've noticed lately, I'm in a weird "blah" state of mind.  I'm not sure whats wrong or if there is something wrong.  I suppose I can update things after being gone from here for like a year and half.

During the past year and half or even two years... I've been a mom focused on family only.  I've been trying to figure out how to balance... family, career and just time for myself.  Its hard work.  And maybe thats where the stress starts.

Lets see... so David (my husband) started officially working in a barbershop in January 2013, right after getting his cosmetologist license in December 2012.  Thank GOD!  In working at this first shop, he met some really great friends.  In the end, these friends and him went in on opening their own barber shop.  It finally opened in November 2013.  And slowly... business has been getting better.

I actually decided to go back to school and finish my bachelors degree.  YAY!  So, I started my first set of classes in January 2014.  I only could transfer in so many credits, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch but its all good because I feel more determined now to finish my degree and have that under my belt.  So... so far so good.

As for the kiddos... my oldest son is going into high school this fall.  CRAZY!  I have a high schooler, it makes me want to cry thinking of it.  He's class of 2018.  It's going by so fast.  Then my daughter will be going into 5th grade and my baby boy is going into kinder.  This past year, has been filled with a lot of kids activities... sports, girl scouts and even my youngest seeing the eye doctor again and wearing glasses.

However, with all these things... I've let my eating and lapband sit on the back burner.  I've gained back all the weight I lost.  Its so disappointing.  I've tried over and over to get back on to doing the right thing.  Its so hard.  And to be honest... I haven't been back to True Results to look at my band since 2012.  I don't feel like its adequate care or comfortable with their staff any more.  I've seriously been considering a revision.  I don't think anything is wrong with my band, in fact... I still have moments where food hangs up if I eat to fast.  I'm sure there is some fluid still in there.  I don't think nothing bad of the band.  But I'm starting to think, its not the option for me anymore.

So thats where I'm at........

I need the accountability

So after beginning gone for quite some time from here, I realized I need the accountability.  I have managed to gain back all the weight I lost - which in total was only 35 lbs.  But after gaining it back, that made a huge difference for me.  I forgot what it felt like to be at this weight.  I gained back at least 20 lbs of it just in a year by stopping everything that held me accountable and at least kept me in maintaining the weight I was at.

During the past year, I've also tried to do this weight loss challenge in a group on Facebook.  Never really committed nor did it really make me change my ways.  Ultimately, it is going back to the basics for me that I need.  I have to make that decision to be healthier and stick to it.  It just sucks because its so much work, I hate it being so hard.  For others, it seemed like it was easy.  But that is also something I need to work on, stop comparing my own journey to others.  I think that is the reason I gave up and gave in to the inner fat girl.  I admit, I went crazy with my eating --- I haven't had a fill in over 2 years, I haven't even been to the doctors to check on my band.  I've been really bad.  I mean, last year I did try to walk/exercise but was defeated after having constant pains in my left joint and then later sciatica in my right side.

And so... I choose to really start new.  As I type this, I choose to start being accountable for my weight and why my body is like this.  I always have excuses, but I'm tired of this.  I have to put more into taking care of me and last year made me realize it... my cholesterol is back up, add in now I'm having high blood pressure.  None of course that require meds, YET.

I have to go back to tracking all the food I put in my mouth, I have to start tracking all the water I drink.  I have to change terrible eating habits and not give in so easily.  But the biggest... I have to go see the doctor to check on my band, to see if I stretched my stomach out and ruined the whole purpose of having this band or not.

In the meantime, I've been eating pretty light the last few days.  Lots of soups, liquids.  Not totally bad ones.  I haven't been throwing up at all.  But we'll see what happens after I get into the doctor.

I just know I have a lot of catching up to do on here, and I need this tool to keep me on top of me!  Even if no one else is reading it.  Lol.