Saturday, November 29, 2014

Fear of failure and feeling down

So I'm back to work, back to school (two new classes started up last week) and trying to get back to my normal routine of life.  Has the surgery changed my life much?  Umm... it seems like it hasn't yet it has in what I'm eating or not eating.

This past week, I guess the loss of about 24 pounds within a month has finally caught up with how I look physically.  Some co-workers are noticing and saying stuff.  Which is cool.  They say they see it in my face and my back.  I notice it in my clothes more, I haven't been able to move down in a pants size yet, because my stomach is always the last to lose but my thighs and butt area are really lose and shirts that were tighter seem looser.  That is a good feeling, however I feel like I have nothing to wear at the same time.  I feel like hiding in my baggy clothes too.  Like, I want to cover myself up.

I am suffering from the biggest fear that I will fail this like I feel that I failed with the band.  And even after I've come to terms with the fact that the band and I just didn't work well together, there is still a feeling of failure with it.

Add in... I am now weighing 210 lbs. as of yesterday (changed my weigh in days to Fridays officially).  And I realized I am now 3 lbs away from the 35 lbs lost mark I had with the band.  I'm scared my body will be like... well, you hit 207 lbs... your done.  Lol.  Maybe that's illogical, who knows.

I admit, I haven't started exercising - then again I am not officially released to do more strenuous exercise.  I was okay'd to do more walking, elliptical or biking if I want to.  I really should but I'm also afraid that since I'm not getting many calories in, that will eat up all the calories I have.  And its hard to eat as is.  I'm officially on the pureed/soft diet, but the problem is I don't feel hungry ever and when I do --- I fill up quickly on like 2-4 oz's, depending on the time of day.  I need to get my protein in and up to at least 70 grams.  At most, I'm getting 35 - 50 a day.  The same goes with getting water in.  I get so full and almost miserable feeling, I don't want to push things.

I'm basically eating... 500 - 700 calories a day, which is what my doctor recommended for this time period.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing --- yeah, most likely.  I've also noticed I feel really down lately.  I'm not sure if its the holidays, which makes me think of my family -  and how much my family sucks lately.  I have tried to help certain family members this past year, but in the end I end up getting screwed by them.  I feel super extra emotional too.  I don't know what it is lately but I just don't feel happy lately.  I hope I can pull out of these feelings soon.

Also... side note:  I am trying to update this blog as I can but I'm usually on Instagram with more frequent updates.  You can follow me at Manda1280.


Bonnie said...

I thought I had followed your blog before, but I guess I didn't because you weren't coming up on my dashboard. I think I'm good now. It's great how much weight you've lost and I understand your hesitancy about exercise. But it's awesome you've lost so much weight without exercise, so once you feel comfortable to start, you'll lose even more1

Manda said...

Thanks Bonnie. You are right... I know once I really start exercising, it will help. Now I have to find the time. Lol.