Friday, September 30, 2011

Alone time, Head Argument & The New Fill

Well last night, I went alone to the store.  Now you may ask why thats a big deal.  You have to understand that for whatever reason in the past few years, I hate to be alone.  Everytime I go somewhere, someone has to come with me.  Strange, I don't know why.  I just guess its anxiety of something bad happening to me.  Just like I hate big crowds, something that occurred as I got older.  Or maybe I was tramatized by news stories (remember the one back in like 2002 or 2003, when those people died in that nightclub fire trying to get out of the building?) and then that same year I was down on 6th Street in Austin during Mardi Gras and everyone was running.  The police were out with the riot gear and it was the craziest scariest moments ever!  So yeah, tramatized.

Lets just say, I've very aware of my surroundings and maybe I am a bit paranoid.  I don't know.  Anywho, so I went to Walmart for deodorant only.  Husband sent me there (at first I said no on the phone, but then I heard the annoyance in his voice.  So I said yes, I'd go get it)  It was nice to go in there, kind of browse and look at things without him rushing me.  It was quiet, chill.  I think I needed that.  I've been really wound up lately due to a lot of personal stresses.  I managed to pick up with the deodorant... a gray zip up sweater (wearing it today, even though I'm sure it will be 100 degrees today but its cold indoors, haha), PB&J crackers for my daughter, got her two belts in the toddler section since she has such a tiny waist, got Snuk two pairs of pajamas, a can of Bush's Honey Baked Beans for my dinner last night and then some Palmer's Skin Therapy Oil for my surgery scar.  I should take pictures to see if this stuff works.  The biggest scar from the surgery is still very visible and very pink.  A co-worker of mine (who had by-pass surgery in January) has been using it and her scar seems to be fading.  So we'll see it goes with this stuff.  And I guess it couldn't hurt to try out on my MANY stretch marks from babies & gaining weight.

While in the store though.... I noticed I had an argument in my head.  One saying I should be able to eat breads or eat things that I want without logging it and tracking it.  I think was getting angry at myself.  Obviously not logging/tracking has allowed me to gain the weight I have.  I guess I was just mad that I can't be one of those people who doesn't have to worry.  I thought of Sarah whenever she tells us about Fat Sarah.  I wonder if thats Fat Amanda (maybe I'll come up with another name for that chic) in there trying to get me off track.  I never thought of it like that until Sarah put that on her blog.  But I guess you could say I was trying to talk myself into doing what I was doing prior...... whatever I wanted.  Its just so funny that I was so mad that I had to put effort into this thing.  Thats when I went got another can off Bush's Baked Beans... for my soft foods (I was on my soft food for 24 hours diet).  See I wanted to just go grab whatever solid foods to eat and eat whatever... even though I knew I shouldn't because I just had my fill two days ago.  But I was strong!  I told FAT AMANDA to shut the hell up and we're doing right by our banded stomach.  I felt happier after that moment.  Because for the first time since being banded, I really am working the band like I'm suppose to.

As for the fill...since eating solids today.  I can tell its doing its job.  Definitely have to watch the breads, had a tortilla.  Whole wheat but still, kind of got a little hung up.  Or maybe I ate too fast.  Gonna be careful.

1 comment:

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

Don't let Fat Amanda win, me and Fat Sarah battle daily, sometimes literally all day long I battle with her, I wish there was a way to get rid of her but I know she's going to be a part of my life forever, I just have to learn to silence her and not let her intrude on my life so much, it's gotten better but I still have my weeks where she gets the best of me, like this week. Isn't it crazy how our fat persons try to justify us cramming silly shit down our throats? How in the hell did I live like that before? Wait I didn't "live" before, I just existed. Keep fighting it girl and remember you can do this!