Thursday, July 7, 2011

Never finish?

So I know why I have stayed away from my blog, mainly because I didn't want to deal with all the horrible choices I've made related to weight loss.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not really.  I deal with the issues daily but keep pressing ignore.  I sit back and I'm so envious of seeing others who had surgery after me or others who lost on their at goal.  I am a failure at this.  But then again, I also realized I tend to do that with a lot of things I start.  Jump in, have lots of great intentions and never finish.  Haha.  I get bored easily...I don't know why I can't finish things.  I have recently been able to admit to that fact.

Like the website stuff, I love it.  I taught myself how to build websites, how to use Adobe Photoshop and create graphics.  Had a fan site on Nelly, kept saying I'm going to bring it back...but my unhealthy stalkyness when it came to Nelly slowly went away too.  Then I let the webdesign and graphic design thing go as well.  Then the school thing, get started and just don't feel like finishing.  I also kind of let this tendency seep into the things I sign my kids up for.  WHY?  I'm such a procrastinator too.  Or last year, I wanted to get into jewelry making...I love the creativeness and I love jewelry.  Bought the beginning tools for it, where's it at?  In the closet.  Haha. 

Now back to the weight thing, I've never really committed to losing weight with any diet or exercise.  I just don't want to do it.  I wish it would just come off on its own.  I know it won't.  But I also decided I'm sick of my blog only surrounding my weight loss.  I am not defined by my weight loss.  I love me....fat as hell or as a skinny heffa.  So I don't want this blog to be only about my weight loss.  There is more to me than just that.  Now thats not saying I won't talk about whatever I'm dealing with weight loss but not every freakin' blog is gonna be about the damn scale.  Lets just say I've over it!

I joined SparkPeople and plan to begin using my apartment gym for machine stuff....and use the pool.  Free things!  Cause at this point I can't afford a gym membership or all the extras.  I am going to keep track of my calorie intake again and just get things in control with regard to cutting back a lot on portions.  Today was the beginning of it.

Reality is...anything related to my weight will never have a finish.  As I've said about myself emotionally, I am a work in progress.  And well, it is all a mental game at this point.  I am my own worst enemy.

Now off to watching the season premiere of Big Brother 13.  Ahhh...its official summer time is here!  Laters.

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