Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Burned out, Lost and Searching...

So I've disappeared for about 4 months.  Why?  Not sure, I guess I got caught up in working again.  To be honest, it was mainly working.  I lost in that 4 month time span all plans of what I wanted to do for myself.  Sucks to know I've lost that amount of time over working.  I am now coming to terms with the fact that I am somewhat of a workaholic.  Nothing against stay-at-home mom's but that is just not for me.  I would be die sitting at home.  I think that is how men feel when they are with out work for a period of time.  I would be lost, depressed and in the dumps if I didn't work.  Like each time I had one of the kids and was off for 6 weeks of maternity leave, I couldn't wait to go back to work.  Although work stresses me out a TON, its my drive to keep moving forward.

Of course with working a lot, I've managed to find myself in the burned out stage.  As well gain back weight I had lost.  Back up to 217 lbs.  I can feel it when I wear my clothes.  At first, I was thinking maybe I am getting depressed...mainly in the past month.  But the revelation came to me today after knowing I'm going through this "blah" feeling.  I have not been doing any fun things I used to enjoy.  Which kind of is a sign of depression.  But I still feel the urge to get out.  So I knew it couldn't be depression.  I guess I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I want more.  Maybe the DIRTY 30 has hit me, the difference is I'm married and settled with children.  But I feel like there should be more accomplished at this point in my life.  I want to be further in my career within the insurance industry.  So I know that I need to go back to school but at this point, its a no go.  However, I have decided to get my designation in long term care for LTCp.  Whats that mean?  I'll be a professional in LTC insurance.  Which helps the resume and with increased wages.  That will be the start.

Outside of working, things within my family unit have changed.  Financially our family will be down some with the income.  My husband is going to school to finally learn his passion.  Whats that? Cutting hair.  I'm very proud and excited for him.  This is something he has wanted to pursue forever, but being the responsible grown up, he knew it was hard to do when he has a family to take care of.  So he's finally within reach of obtaining this goal.  The thing is, I see him pursuing his dreams and I feel like life for me is stagnant.  I want more.  I want to feel accomplished.  Not that I'm not.  Yes, I didn't finish college but I've managed to work my way up in the insurance field over all these years.  And I know the thing stopping me from becoming team lead and eventually supervisor is not having some sort of education attached to my name.  Even if I get at least my Associates Degree, its a work in progress.  I just know at this point, I have to do something...I feel bored with things in life lately.  Not that I'm not grateful for the things in my life but I just feel like I'm at a stand-still.

Also in this week of revelations and discovery of myself...I noticed a lot of things I once enjoyed...such as the internet, blogging, webdesign, graphics with Adobe Photoshop (forgot how to use, ahh!), music (I have been so out of the loop), etc.  I guess things that were me, I've stopped doing for whatever reason.  I want that back, thats what made me happy and well ME!  So in the meantime, I'm going to work on doing these things again.

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