Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Phase II: State of confusion (and a thanks)

Thanks to my family and friends who have all been there for me during these trying moments in my life. Calling to check on me, to make sure I'm okay and most of all, just supporting me right now. I'm sure if you all were not here, I'd be a complete emotional wreck even more so right now w/ out ya'll.

So I look back on emails and think back on conversations with David. Not even a few months ago, he was saying this was the BEST relationship he's ever had. Why? Because he knew we were good together, I did too. In fact, all my friends were shocked by this news. No one ever thought David would leave me, muchless while being pregnant. I don't think I did either. I still in my heart feel he's the one, we had our share of all couples. But definitely not something that people break up behind. At least I feel not on his side.

I admit and have said this to him.......I have trust issues because of past relationships. I've learned to let some things go while others are brought about by some of his own actions. Nothing major but also things you don't do in a relationship you state you want. We got over humps, but I figure if you want to marry me...we come as one, learn to be together as one. Thats how it should be. No matter what.......I've always appreciated the things he did for me, he did treat me good. He spoiled me rotten, so much I think I became accustomed to it. Which could have been a major fault of mine, even selfish when it came to certain times. I'm sure I didn't show that I appreciated it and even took it for granted at times. But then where was the appreciation for my part in this relationship?

I worked all the time, I paid majority of the bills. I shared everything with him, my money, my values. I cared about what was happening in his life and did whatever I could to fix problems he was having outside of our relationship. Yes, I expected things from him. As any person should in a relationship. But things he could reach and was capable of. I was even willing to move back home w/ the parents...our whole family, so he could go to school for doing hair...and be in a career and potential business that would benefit all. I made a lot of sacrafices. I mean, we only moved back to Austin because he suggested it. I would have stayed in Houston. I even thought we could move to New Orleans, just so he could be near his first son. All this for him.

So I'm do you end something with someone you claim you loved so much one day, and the next.......just walk out? Was it really that bad? No big argument, no big incident. I was loyal. I might have complained or bitched.......but I took him flaws and all. Same as he did w/ me at one point. So what changed? How do you go from almost dislike or hate? I've never felt the coldness in his heart until that day he left.

I just don't understand all this. To say it was leading to, it wasn't. He made this choice within a short amount of time. I just hope he realizes what he's decided. I am a forgiving person but this betrayal...and abandonment, will leave me to resent him for a long time.

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