Sunday, November 30, 2008

Phase I: The Break Down has begun...

For my close friends, I really need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen at this moment and time. David and I broke up, I'm not sure whats going on with him. I love him and truly felt this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had something special, real special and somehow the break down of it began. The contributors to it?

Partially insecurities, my past bad relationships, even the things he did to cause mistrust (although not big major things, enough to make me not trust him partially). Then there was him......he stopped talking to me. The intimacy stopped, not because I found him less attractive. But because these hormones in my body, feeling sickly and just not in the mood. I was mean to him, real mean at one point. Enough to realize with his words and even on my own.....I was treating him wrong. But then at some point it felt like it was legit and even to this day does.

How am I supposed to feel? I'm now 8 and a half months pregnant and the man I thought was going to be there through out it all, has left me. Why? He says for his own sanity and mind. Excuse me? What have I been dealing with? Poor YOU! I'm the one carrying the weight of all the bills, all the stresses. But you need a break from this and to say a permanent break is even worse.

If my trust in men hasn't been broke down enough, I think this was the kicker. I loved this man sooooo much. I treated him as my husband, I referred to him as that. I praised everything about him, if anything I rarely ever talked to anyone about our problems.......nor ever stated negative things. So much so my dear friends who hated most of my ex's and the crap that is out there, are just as bewildered as I am at this moment.

How can I trust him again? If he was to come back do I take him back? I'm so confused. Here I am, having a child that was planned with alone. I will be going through it all alone in the delivery room again. This is not what I pictured or planned. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. God, why is this happening? Thats all I can ask........I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I know I'm a strong woman........his excuse is I'm always going to be me and he's always going to be him, he's unhappy. I haven't always been happy but I've been trying, I've been trying.........I just don't understand this whatsoever.

But lord knows, if he's gonna leave me now....especially now, when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with a child he wanted originally....when we, well now I am struggling to pay bills alone to make sure this baby and even the other two children have a roof over their head and electricity. Then whats he gonna do in other times? The character he's showing, maybe these are the true colors shining through. He's not tough enough and worst this time around I'm carrying his child. He could leave so easily, no feeling. It makes me wonder what did I do so wrong for you to leave me? To leave your family?

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