Much Better Week

I'm doing better lately.  Basically not letting the job, the financial and other things stress me out.  As for the loss of the baby, well I'm not tearing up as much and just doing better when it comes to talking about the miscarriage.  It has made us think about having kids in the future and we've both decided, we are for sure done.  We have in total 4 wonderful kiddos.  Thats enough for us, it would have been a blessing to have another one and we were excited but it happened this way for a reason.

Outside of that, I've gone to 2 therapy sessions and its definitely helping.  I guess just being able to talk to someone.  It seems like I'm so cut off from the world right now.  I have a sister who is so messed up on drugs, dealing with CPS taking her kids away.  My brother and his family are in Houston.  I have very few friends that I rarely see.  It just seems like I have no outlet anymore.  No one to turn to, to just vent about things in my life.

Then we took my youngest to his 18-month old well check and on top of him wearing glasses at this age.  Now I need to take him for a hearing test and start speech therapy.  He's falling behind.  It don't help that I had to take an Autism questionnaire and it appears the doctor is concerned.  He's been having issues with eating.  We recently finally got him off baby food and trying our solid food.  But even then, its been hard.  He finally trying to eat finger foods like popcorn, chicken nuggets, etc.  But he's not eating on his own with a spoon or fork, not eating spaghetti or something.  Its just hard since I've never gone through this.  And then having access to the internet and reading the symptoms of potential autism....and the fact that he fits into some of them, its really scary.  The unknown!  Uggh!

But we'll get through this, like everything else.  Weighed myself this week and down to 215 lbs.  Not sure how I lost 3lbs......oh stress I guess.

Uggh...The Headache that never dies!

So I'm feeling better, at least emotionally.  Not as depressed feeling, but it appears I still am.  I seem to only get tearful when I talk about the miscarriage in-depth with people.  I've actually been feeling like my ol' goofy self.  Which is strange to me.  Not sure why.  But then, we have all these other stresses going on at home.  We don't have any more checks coming from David since he's off from school for the summer.  His next check won't come until September.  Which kind of sucks.  I know if we didn't have all these other money things going on before, we could have better prepared.

So since feeling better, I've managed to catch a tension headache.  It won't leave!  It makes me want to scream.  Its like wrapping around the back of my head.  Its crazy feeling like this.  Maybe because I'm not getting all depressed my body is now acting out physically.  Crazy!

In the meantime, I've been working really hard at work.  I'm going to do my best not to let the job get to me anymore.  I know I took on the position given to me, but I also know and have explained to my manager...and they are aware.  I am the only one doing it, and its basically too much work for just one person.  So even though they want this really short turn around time, its going to be hard for me to meet considering I am 3 weeks behind!  And I don't have anyone helping me get caught up.

Monday, I was suppose to go to True Results for my lapband.  But I know I don't have money for that visit or even paying on my balance right now.  So I'm going to reschedule until later.  Truth is, I know I need to get a barium swallow and I don't want to waste a visit just to be told their not doing a fill because they want a barium swallow.  Fact is, I want a barium swallow.  Its been almost 5 months since my last fill and I am eating more and 8 months since my surgery.  I need one.  I think once I get that back in order, I'll feel a little better on that side of life.  Sucks to know that in the past 8 months, I've only lost a total of 30 pounds.  It should be more but with life happening, its slowed down the progress and even I have sabotaged myself.

By the way, weighed myself this morning....218.  I'm losing weight again, but I know I'm still eating more than I should.  Oh and I had my first therapist appointment last Monday, it went well.  Maybe thats why I feel a little better.  I go back this Monday, lets see what happens!

Very challenging moment in my life...

So I've realized since having the miscarriage last week, not only have I started to lose the weight I was gaining.  But with the loss of pregnancy hormones and all my current stresses at work and home.  I'm going crazy.  Okay, maybe not totally crazy but I've been very tearful, feeling sad and blue, then irritated and angry the next moment.  I feel bad for my husband and my kids.  I'm just taking it out on them so much.  I realized early on its the mix of postpartum depression, along with grief and loss.  And all the other crap I've been dealing with for the past 4 months.  For me to think of things and wish it would just go away...and go to bed as soon as I get home, equals not good.  I'm a Sag, we're naturally happy, optimistic people and I just can't find that light right now.  I've been praying to God and even that isn't working for me.  Not that I have no faith in him to pull me through this but its almost like a physical reaction in my brain that is not allowing me to move forward and onto more positive things.

Its just sad, I feel like crying everyday when I get home from work.  So I know its time to talk to someone.  I have my first appointment with a counselor/therapist tomorrow on the 5th.  We'll see how that goes and if I need some kind of medications like Lexapro to help for the time.  I'm pretty aware of what the process is since I went through this about 5 years ago.  Strangely.  So hopefully this is the answers to my prayers and things begin to go in a better direction.  Its been a hard few months...and I'm ready to feel relaxed, drama free and back to normal life again.

Outside of that, I haven't started exercising officially yet.  Mainly because I'm still finishing off the miscarriage situation.  And its known that if you do heavy, stringent stuff...you will continue to bleed instead of it stopping.  Plus actually since the passing occurred, I seem to have my energy and I've been cleaning the hell out of my house and finishing unpacking.  Which has been exercise in itself.

I weighed myself yesterday and I'm at 219, down 1 pound.  So I'm happy for that small success to getting back on track with my weight loss.  I'll wait until I go for my follow up doctor appointment with the OB/Gyn to see that everything is okay to begin doing real exercise.