Evaluating

So since being back in Austin, it has me thinking about my life. Things that happened while being here in Austin, things that made me who I am today. Things to bother me still. I just think of the people that hurt me and for some strange reason, it still bothers me at moments. You’d think I’d be past it, you’d think I’d be totally happy and content with my life at this point. I don’t know though, its like since being back here......I’m questioning myself again. Like the choices I made and the shit I did because of what I was lacking inside. That self love. Then for some reason I think of how people don’t think of me or worry about me. Like I want that attention, is something wrong with me? I just think its crazy that I’d want that. I guess that drama........who knows.

Burstin’ Bubbles...

And I ain't tryin' to be like that but I can't help it. This goes out to the young lady who's with my ex. I read your bulletin....saying how you've been dating him for 4 years now. Which means you were 14 when ya'll met. Strange thing, that means he was messing w/ you....after having his daughter with me? After being with me since 2000. I read that you think he's obsessed with you...do you really think that? I ain't trying to be mean, hell if anything I hope you read these words and learn from this........don't waste the time on him anymore. You deserve so much more and the fact that you got pregnant by him........and had a child with him so young....I feel bad. Do you know that only happened because I broke up with him after getting an abortion, this was my 3rd pregnancy with him......twins as a matter of fact....in June 2005. And I broke up with him because he's no good. I thought I could change him, I thought me and my family could help him...that he'd become a GROWN man. Nope.......never happened. Still ain't.

I let him go........hell it was for plenty of reason. He's full of shit, he's a liar and well.......he will never change. Dude has mental issues, seriously. He's got ADHD and I truly think he's a lil' on the slow side. I hate to say that about someone but real deal is...its that. He will never grow up. I've known him since he was 21 and he's in the same spot he was when I met him. Barely workin', no car, walkin' and takin' the bus with his damn backpack and headphones, frontin' like he's this hard ass nigga when he's just a punk, livin' off other people, don't even got his own place....living from couch to couch or floor to floor, wearing all his cousin's/brother's clothes...and so on.

Fact is.........since I've been back in Austin, he's been constantly calling and texting me. Telling me how he misses US....how he wish he didn't screw things up, how he wants his family back. EVERYDAY....its like this since we've been here. It sickens me! I tell him to stop, he knows I'm in a relationship.....I'm sure he runs his mouth to you about ya'll being a family, your the one. I hate to say it though...I'm sure if I told him today, lets be together...he would come be with me. Hell he was going to move to Houston last year with me if I let him.

And I ain't saying this because I want him.........I'm saying this because I hate to see you waste years on someone that is going no where. Someone that is negative and selfish. I was with him for almost 6 years.......hell he cheated on me many times.........in fact cheated on me with you. He's most likely currently cheating on you now, while hollarin' at me.......and cussin' my husband out for raising his daughter.

If anything........take these words and learn from it. I hope you don't make the mistakes I made with him.

Much luv...

Fakeness

What can I say........I feel it around me at times. Whats it about? Certain people that were in my life at one time or another...or currently. Relationships that I once cherished, friendships that I once thought were closer or tighter bonds but found out were not even close. I realize we all have our own lives to lead, hell I'm living my own. But some things just bother me about the relationships and friendships I hold/held with certain people.........and I say FAKENESS is the word for it. On my end, no.......I realize I have my moments where I overreact and I'll apologize but sometimes I don't get the actions of people. You claim to be my friend, that we're close...and how you'd do this or that as a friend. But how many times must a person look to you and have you fall through? It hurts me.......maybe I have high expectations for a friendship, I know folks ain't perfect. But I can't stand being lied to.......and behind dumbass shit. Hell who am I to judge others of things, I've done my share of wrong doings and I ain't perfect still. I just don't understand it. I guess that hurts me more, it makes me not trust a person. And yet, here I am.......I feel the need like any other situation where I've been hurt by a person that I had a close relationship with........to still try to work it out, be like we were. And I feel it, its done with. I can see the signs and its NOT due to me. Its these people. It hurts because I'm trying to be the bigger person and they cut me out. I'm just not that type of person to cut someone out my life even after they do me wrong or treat me badly. Sometimes I think I'm too forgiving.....

And thats the thing.........that fakeness in a person makes me sick! I can't stand bitches like that.....fake as hell. So why do I want to still have a relationship with these people? I wish I knew.......maybe this is my revelation to finally let people like that go and out of my life for good!