Uggh...The Headache that never dies!

So I'm feeling better, at least emotionally.  Not as depressed feeling, but it appears I still am.  I seem to only get tearful when I talk about the miscarriage in-depth with people.  I've actually been feeling like my ol' goofy self.  Which is strange to me.  Not sure why.  But then, we have all these other stresses going on at home.  We don't have any more checks coming from David since he's off from school for the summer.  His next check won't come until September.  Which kind of sucks.  I know if we didn't have all these other money things going on before, we could have better prepared.

So since feeling better, I've managed to catch a tension headache.  It won't leave!  It makes me want to scream.  Its like wrapping around the back of my head.  Its crazy feeling like this.  Maybe because I'm not getting all depressed my body is now acting out physically.  Crazy!

In the meantime, I've been working really hard at work.  I'm going to do my best not to let the job get to me anymore.  I know I took on the position given to me, but I also know and have explained to my manager...and they are aware.  I am the only one doing it, and its basically too much work for just one person.  So even though they want this really short turn around time, its going to be hard for me to meet considering I am 3 weeks behind!  And I don't have anyone helping me get caught up.

Monday, I was suppose to go to True Results for my lapband.  But I know I don't have money for that visit or even paying on my balance right now.  So I'm going to reschedule until later.  Truth is, I know I need to get a barium swallow and I don't want to waste a visit just to be told their not doing a fill because they want a barium swallow.  Fact is, I want a barium swallow.  Its been almost 5 months since my last fill and I am eating more and 8 months since my surgery.  I need one.  I think once I get that back in order, I'll feel a little better on that side of life.  Sucks to know that in the past 8 months, I've only lost a total of 30 pounds.  It should be more but with life happening, its slowed down the progress and even I have sabotaged myself.

By the way, weighed myself this morning....218.  I'm losing weight again, but I know I'm still eating more than I should.  Oh and I had my first therapist appointment last Monday, it went well.  Maybe thats why I feel a little better.  I go back this Monday, lets see what happens!

Very challenging moment in my life...

So I've realized since having the miscarriage last week, not only have I started to lose the weight I was gaining.  But with the loss of pregnancy hormones and all my current stresses at work and home.  I'm going crazy.  Okay, maybe not totally crazy but I've been very tearful, feeling sad and blue, then irritated and angry the next moment.  I feel bad for my husband and my kids.  I'm just taking it out on them so much.  I realized early on its the mix of postpartum depression, along with grief and loss.  And all the other crap I've been dealing with for the past 4 months.  For me to think of things and wish it would just go away...and go to bed as soon as I get home, equals not good.  I'm a Sag, we're naturally happy, optimistic people and I just can't find that light right now.  I've been praying to God and even that isn't working for me.  Not that I have no faith in him to pull me through this but its almost like a physical reaction in my brain that is not allowing me to move forward and onto more positive things.

Its just sad, I feel like crying everyday when I get home from work.  So I know its time to talk to someone.  I have my first appointment with a counselor/therapist tomorrow on the 5th.  We'll see how that goes and if I need some kind of medications like Lexapro to help for the time.  I'm pretty aware of what the process is since I went through this about 5 years ago.  Strangely.  So hopefully this is the answers to my prayers and things begin to go in a better direction.  Its been a hard few months...and I'm ready to feel relaxed, drama free and back to normal life again.

Outside of that, I haven't started exercising officially yet.  Mainly because I'm still finishing off the miscarriage situation.  And its known that if you do heavy, stringent stuff...you will continue to bleed instead of it stopping.  Plus actually since the passing occurred, I seem to have my energy and I've been cleaning the hell out of my house and finishing unpacking.  Which has been exercise in itself.

I weighed myself yesterday and I'm at 219, down 1 pound.  So I'm happy for that small success to getting back on track with my weight loss.  I'll wait until I go for my follow up doctor appointment with the OB/Gyn to see that everything is okay to begin doing real exercise.

The REMINDER of where I'm at...

So last night, we went to my parents house to visit and eat. As well as have David cut my step-dad's hair. We also happened to get a visit from his bestfriend in Houston...and his wife. They came up here because her parents live here as well. And there was the reminder of what level of life we're on....and where their at. And the feeling of envy, which sucks! I hate feeling that way and its not their fault. I just hate feeling like I'm missing out and it don't help that David has been feeling down in the dumps about himself lately.

He can say he's fine but I see it.....he hates not being able to get clothes for himself so he can look nice when he wants. He hasn't cut his hair nor shaved in I couldn't tell you. He looks like a homeless man at this point. Yesterday, I told him he should meet up with his best friend since they were going downtown. Its not like he gets out and hangs w/ friends or even guy friends here. So why not? His reason, I have nothing to wear. It just makes me feel so bad. Like all the hardwork, all the things we're doing is for nothing at times. I understand, I'd love to be able to get my toes done and buy new clothes for me whenever. Or even the kids. It just sucks. I hate living like this as well. Not having the extra to throw around. Hell I don't even know how others do it and I know the reason his friend and his wife can is because they have no children. Its just them two.

I just wish he'd get out of this depressive thing he's in. I'm trying to stay out of it myself but damn. And I think its worse for him because he see's his brother and his wife and kids...and his other friends dressing nicely, going places or eating out often. But then I have to remind him, we really don't know how their living to have those things. Hell, I have to remind myself of that.

All I can hope for is it will get better. I know truth is...we can't complain. We're doing better this year than we did last year. I can only be grateful what God has given me. I think I need those reminders. We have been blessed, I just wonder how I can show him what blessings he has as well.