Today's My Birthday...

and I had my moment of self-pity. I'm so happy I have my BBC girls there to help remind me of where I'm at and what blessings I have.

At times, I wish I had IRL friends that were there for me more often. And I admit, at times I might not be the best friend IRL as well. I just wish I had someone near me, I think thats the biggest problem. All my IRL friends live far from me and its hard keeping in touch because we're not around each other but once every 3 months or so. Plus we're all grown and living our own lives. But sometimes and mainly on my birthday, I just want that big ol' surprise or big "to do" about my day. It just doesn't happen. I guess thats just part of being an adult or is it? Thats what I wonder. So I cried.........like a big ass baby.

I see photos of one of my IRL friend's other friends and their big ol' birthday parties, and wish that I could be the receiver of one of those one time. But I have to think back, last year was the crappiest birthdays EVER! Yeah, I had people say Happy Birthday.......but that was it, no card...no cake, no dinner. David and I were going through things and he wasn't even there.

So this year, I have my man.....I have all my children and we are doing great. I just still feel like I'm missing something today. The big deal of it being my day. I have to admit, I'm an attention seeking person. Haha. Then there's the other thing.......NO CAKE because I have the lap band. That sucks booty.

So after crying.......I do feel better. I just hope to see some friends this weekend to get out and about. As one of my BBC friends said, I need a break from the routine.......hopefully it happens this weekend.

A "Not Good" Moment...

I'm embarrassed to say that matters of the heart got the best of me. I knew if I talked to him that I would do what happened the last time. It was like something came over me, here we were explaining each other's side. And almost like I was begging for him back. What is wrong w/ me?

It started with the anger bubbling inside me. We haven't talked, which is really what I want. But it hurts so much to know he's out there hitting up other females, like thats his priority while I'm here, doing the job as the responsible one. So I left that status because it just pisses me off. And well, I suggested he wasn't a man. LOL. He didn't like that, and commented back with "oh, I'm not a man because I'm not with you." And that so began the worst mistake I've made yet. Or was it actually a good thing...he went on to get onto me about talking to other dudes, and how I appear to not care and have moved on. I guess that goes so show how much he really knows me. Yes, I've been talking to one of my male friends (whom I cut off since we've been together out of respect to our relationship). He's been there for me and not to talk about sex. Talking to him helped me really understand what happened to us. But even if it is the intimacy issues, point of it all......its still on him, because I tried to fix it.

Then because of that instant message chat, I call him. WHYYYYYYYYY did I do that? I have no clue. LOL. I turned into a big ol' crying mess. I'm so angry with him. I'm doing better though this go. It just hurts so bad. But he wants no beef, he wants us to be good. Really? I don't get people like that, I can't be good with someone who caused me this pain. I want to cut all ties but we have a child together. I don't know what to do, but I have to cut them. No contact, no nothing. The end result, he had to see where my head was at. Its sick, he had to make sure he was still in it and I let him get that. I'm a crying fool and I realized in it.......he wanted that. And just as I say thats what he wanted, I hope he was happy now...hope it made his sick ass mind feel better to know I'm tore up over here while he's over there talking to other females and having a wonderful time. He hangs up. No call back. He hung up on me.

And to top it.....he basically said we were boring people (hint hint: I'm boring). And basically that I expected the lap band surgery to change everything in my life. What? Is he freaking serious, I have no idea where thats coming from. I've never said that. I'm doing this because I have to get healthy. What does that mean?

What was it in me that wanted him back? There was my reminder of why I prayed to God to let him go. My reminder of why we are not meant to be together. Regardless, I think in a way it was beneficial. It was my reminder and it was my way of releasing all that built up emotions I've been holding in...and that anger I was feeling.

Now to cut ties...

Profession of Love

No doubt, I have love in my heart for him still. But now its also filled with painful emotions. The thought of him being with other women, drives me up the wall. It only confirms the end of our relationship even more in my heart. Why does it bother me so? Because I love him, I love him so deeply that its attached to every vessel pumping through my heart. I never wanted to let go of him or the thing that held us together. He was my best friend. We started as friends, we had this bond and connection that was unexplainable. Something I had never felt with someone else. He turned me on with his words and with his listening. He turned me on with his openness. The man that I loved was everything I wanted. He was outgoing with a this fantastic personality, he was willing to learn and be open minded. It was an amazing feeling to feel like I found the person that complimented me. The best part, he felt the same way. It was wow....the best relationship I've ever had.

Then something broke, not sure where. Lack of communication, lack of making sure the spark stayed alive on both sides. It fell down...trust was broken, and no improvements were made.

Its so hard to hold on to something that at times feels isn't worth the effort. Especially when the other person shows its not worth their effort. I was once asked by him, if I thought he was a different person. My answer, yes. Hmmff...but in a good way. He changed into a better man. A great father and was on his way to being a loving husband. Or so I thought. We all have our faults and we're all a work in progress. I seen him changing into a man, not a boy running the streets trying to holla at any girl. A man taking care of his responsibilities and making a life of his own. But maybe he seen differently, I seen the good in him. Its still there and I can't be that angry due to this pain at him.

Its like that song "Fistful of Tears" by Maxwell:

Feel just like a weight has lifted it
How can I repay you help me understand
Currency a fistful of tears I can afford
Fight of your life is not the cost
Time will reveal
All along you’re the one who’s losing

Cause I go insane
Crazy sometimes
Tryin you to keep you from losing your mind
Open your eyes
See what’s in front of your face
Save me my fistful of tears

Just fitting of this moment, at one point I want us back but what I want is the person I knew when we met. The person who did love me unconditionally, the person who would state his undying affections for me, the person who fought for us to work. The realization, he's not that person no more. And it sucks. I pray to God to take this aching pain to go away. I just want it to go away.....

**cries**

So it ain't just me...

The sad truth, I've been seeing a lot of people struggle. I hate watching it. I'm amongst them as well. And I realized, my family is now in the middle class gap. That gap, where you don't make enough to pay all the bills and still have money left over for food.....and where, you make too much to get any assistance for food. Ain't it lovely?

The worst part, I know ours is just a temporary thing. Where are programs for people like us? Seriously, for true emergency temporary situations. I'm not trying to live off foodstamps for the next 6 months but damn! Can we get a break.

I'm watching people that I've come close to on the net, talk about how their $400.00 overdrawn on accounts, how their about to lose their jobs or are already laid off and now waiting for unemployment to kick in. Or ones who have paid all the bills, but the kitchen cabinets are bare...and their not sure where their gonna get gas money for the next two weeks. Its like what is going on?

I know personally with us, we have the bills covered........but are deciding how to spend the 80 bucks we have. Does it go on food or gas? I guess gas, so we can get to work. But then theres the fact that the kids need lunches for the next two weeks....how will we work that out? And the reason for this situation, well....I'm working OT and David's unemployment ran out.

So what do you do to survive......then you call local food pantries for your specific zip code. In mine, they have limited places and the ones that I did get info on go by appointment only. Appointment only for food? The lady said next available is Sept 24th. What? Yes, I can read the future and know that come that time, we'll need help. OMG! What is the point of those services? Is it for the people that regularly rely on it or what? Well if people are, then maybe they should apply for foodstamps instead of going there. Just irritating.

I really do wonder....what are people supposed to do in those moments.

Oh, I'm not greiving?

So its been a month since my Grandmother passed away. I get a call from my sister today, she is just tore up and still greiving due to her death. Or..........she's a major drama queen! Any heartache or turmoil, she turns it into 20x more dramatic shit than anyone I know. Then has the nerve to tell me, well I wasn't close to my grandma...thats why I am not upset.

Really? So glad you know what I feel in my heart. I loved my Grandma just as much, this is the first person in my life that has passed away. She touched me in so many ways, she raised me as well. She made an impact on the type of woman I am today. If anything, like all my family say...I'm like my mother and her combined. We're strong women, I'm sorry I'm not balling my eyes out at the drop of the dime. I'm dealing with it in a different way.

It just hurts me so much to have someone act that way towards me, like I'm not going through the pain of her no longer being there. How dare she say that shit to me. As if I feel nothing about her death because we were not close..........no, we had a different relationship. She didn't have to baby me, the way she had to with my sister.

Just pissed......

I WANT to move NOW! But I'm not...

So I've been checking out houses on Craigslist in my area for awhile. Kind of like window shopping. I knew dang well we really can't afford to. Not with having to take DJ back home, then getting the kids school clothes & supplies and going to Sea World. But I still wanted it. I hate being in our 2 bedroom. Its just so cramped and small to me. Its suffocating to me. I hate feeling like that and its getting worse to me as time goes on.

Then, I seen on Craigslist...an ad for a 3 bedroom home, its out in the country but thats cool because its near my mom's new house. Plus it has a nice lil' yard and barbeque area that is covered. Its really cute. I spoke to the property management, even set up a time to go out and see it yesterday (because thats how anxious I am to move). So the lady that I spoke to, she kind of seemed off anyways when I asked about meeting up. But we scheduled it for 6:30pm. I go out there, its a bit far. We got there early, even got out to check out the yard and things. What do you know, 6:30 comes and goes...I call her at 6:40 and she's like nonchalant like she had nothing going on. I said, we were supposed to meet up. She goes, at 6:30. Yes...oh, on Katy Lane. I said, no on Heather Cove. Oh, we're gonna have to reschedule. BITCH? What do you think, you its 6:45 now. Really? I wanted to cuss her ass out so bad. I told David then, thats a sign....we shouldn't be doing this. We have a lease that is not over with until March I think of next year.

Since then, its been irking my nerves. I just want to be out of those apartments and I think I'm trying to find reasons to leave. Then it don't help that I have my mother in my ear telling me to do it. Hello! Its my credit, I don't need that on there. But to her, I guess it don't matter. Its not like she's ever taught us how to handle money properly or handle our credit with care.

Then this morning, its still on my mind.......I get a Tweet from Rev Run (of Run DMC) and it was like God is speaking to me through him. This is the tweet:

Good morn! Be happy 2day! Neva let circumstances control ur joy! Circumstances, Smircumstances! Be happy!! Ppl suffer because of desire.

Now if that ain't the truth and just what I needed to read/hear. Thats God talking, reinforcing the sign of that woman not showing up and telling me to hold off. Fulfill my obligation to my lease. He has a reason for all and I just to follow his lead. Because truly...I have been causing myself to suffer due to my desire. And the latest tweet from Rev Run:

Choose ur happy path! Its ur sacred privelege! Let NO 1 take it from u! Choose! A Plan is...a scheme, program or method, set up by u & 4 u!

Amen! to that. So now its time to handle other things and other debts prior to us making that move. I really need to put things in God's hands, he will definitely give us the home we are looking for and need with due time.

I feel better now...and relief. Crazy ain't it.

The REMINDER of where I'm at...

So last night, we went to my parents house to visit and eat. As well as have David cut my step-dad's hair. We also happened to get a visit from his bestfriend in Houston...and his wife. They came up here because her parents live here as well. And there was the reminder of what level of life we're on....and where their at. And the feeling of envy, which sucks! I hate feeling that way and its not their fault. I just hate feeling like I'm missing out and it don't help that David has been feeling down in the dumps about himself lately.

He can say he's fine but I see it.....he hates not being able to get clothes for himself so he can look nice when he wants. He hasn't cut his hair nor shaved in I couldn't tell you. He looks like a homeless man at this point. Yesterday, I told him he should meet up with his best friend since they were going downtown. Its not like he gets out and hangs w/ friends or even guy friends here. So why not? His reason, I have nothing to wear. It just makes me feel so bad. Like all the hardwork, all the things we're doing is for nothing at times. I understand, I'd love to be able to get my toes done and buy new clothes for me whenever. Or even the kids. It just sucks. I hate living like this as well. Not having the extra to throw around. Hell I don't even know how others do it and I know the reason his friend and his wife can is because they have no children. Its just them two.

I just wish he'd get out of this depressive thing he's in. I'm trying to stay out of it myself but damn. And I think its worse for him because he see's his brother and his wife and kids...and his other friends dressing nicely, going places or eating out often. But then I have to remind him, we really don't know how their living to have those things. Hell, I have to remind myself of that.

All I can hope for is it will get better. I know truth is...we can't complain. We're doing better this year than we did last year. I can only be grateful what God has given me. I think I need those reminders. We have been blessed, I just wonder how I can show him what blessings he has as well.

Grandma Evelyn is Gone

June 27, 1934 - July 4, 2009

So my Grandma passed away on July 4th. I got the call from my mom about 12:30am, my Grandparents live near Reno, NV so she passed around 10:30pm. She's been suffering for years from COPD and Empysema. But from what one of my friends (who is a nurse) said was that COPD is a very painful disease to go through. However, my Grandma was a very stubborn old woman. She smoked forever...and tried to quit with this thing but would go back to smoking again. I mean she was on oxygen, with tubes in her nose smoking. Knowing dang well she'd blow up a house possibly. LOL.

I'm not sure how I feel at this point, I spoke to her last week. It was hard getting up the nerve to call her. Knowing she was at home on hospice, knowing that they had her on Morphin for pain. And knowing those were her last days. I did call and tell her I love her, she knew. I feel in my heart she knew and does know even now. So when I got the call, it wasn't like I was broke up over it. I guess everyone thought I'd break down and be bawling my eyes out. Maybe I thought I would as well. I kind of feel numb and its not being done on purpose. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay. I am. Maybe it will hit me later, I don't know.

But its like I knew it was coming, so I prepared myself for this already. So maybe it doesn't hurt as bad.

Love you Grandma.

Utter Chaos

Thats how my life feels lately. I know I'm not a dirty person, I like order...yet my house is always in complete chaos due to the mess. And I think that when I come home, it should be the calming place after a long day at work. Yet, every single day I come home to a freaking mess. It irritates the hell out of me. And for some reason, I just feel like its not my job to clean up other peoples messes. Considering there's a grown adult here all day long w/ these kids. He don't even make them pick up. Then he wonders why I come home and suddenly have the urge to bitch at him. Its rediculous to live this way. He's disgusting, how do you just leave shit on the floor...walk right over it like its not even there and not care? I need order....and now I'm realizing, I guess its all on me. I will have to lead by example because obviously the man here can't. It just sucks, I feel like I handle everything. I have to put order into everything. Like our pantry....I organized it, but he just pulls things out..leaves it on the counter or when he does put it up, its in the wrong spot. Same w/ our dishes in the cabinets. It makes me want to pull my hair out! Here's the thing, I am working 6 days a week...just to make sure the bills are covered. About 53 hours a week, so we're not struggling. I come home, I'm tired and yes...that means I don't feel like cleaning up after ya'll or coming home to a house that is a wreck. And the one day off, I admit...I don't want to do shit either.

I know my home is a representation of my life, and I know it shouldn't be like this. So how do I regain control? I guess it is on me, even with him in this house. Why is it all on me? I hate this, why can't he just see. Why do we have to live like this. I know our home is too small for it to get this dirty. I'm just ready to go crazy. So............................now I'm on a mission.

I need structure and I guess I have to be the BOSSMAN of our household since he's really not trying to take that role. Time to set up a cleaning routine, and time for me to stay on all those in this house to make sure its done. I hate having to play the Bitch and give out orders all the time. But I have no choice.

Uggh...MEN!