Very challenging moment in my life...

So I've realized since having the miscarriage last week, not only have I started to lose the weight I was gaining.  But with the loss of pregnancy hormones and all my current stresses at work and home.  I'm going crazy.  Okay, maybe not totally crazy but I've been very tearful, feeling sad and blue, then irritated and angry the next moment.  I feel bad for my husband and my kids.  I'm just taking it out on them so much.  I realized early on its the mix of postpartum depression, along with grief and loss.  And all the other crap I've been dealing with for the past 4 months.  For me to think of things and wish it would just go away...and go to bed as soon as I get home, equals not good.  I'm a Sag, we're naturally happy, optimistic people and I just can't find that light right now.  I've been praying to God and even that isn't working for me.  Not that I have no faith in him to pull me through this but its almost like a physical reaction in my brain that is not allowing me to move forward and onto more positive things.

Its just sad, I feel like crying everyday when I get home from work.  So I know its time to talk to someone.  I have my first appointment with a counselor/therapist tomorrow on the 5th.  We'll see how that goes and if I need some kind of medications like Lexapro to help for the time.  I'm pretty aware of what the process is since I went through this about 5 years ago.  Strangely.  So hopefully this is the answers to my prayers and things begin to go in a better direction.  Its been a hard few months...and I'm ready to feel relaxed, drama free and back to normal life again.

Outside of that, I haven't started exercising officially yet.  Mainly because I'm still finishing off the miscarriage situation.  And its known that if you do heavy, stringent stuff...you will continue to bleed instead of it stopping.  Plus actually since the passing occurred, I seem to have my energy and I've been cleaning the hell out of my house and finishing unpacking.  Which has been exercise in itself.

I weighed myself yesterday and I'm at 219, down 1 pound.  So I'm happy for that small success to getting back on track with my weight loss.  I'll wait until I go for my follow up doctor appointment with the OB/Gyn to see that everything is okay to begin doing real exercise.

A lil of everything:

So I went ahead and added a pic of my weight to the profile.  Thought it was a good idea on weigh in days, keeps me accountable to the reality of it all, because believe me...I could lie to people and myself by shaving off a pound or two.  I also got the idea from a blog I visit daily and was so happy to find again, In Weigh Over My Head. Definitely a very motivational person, and I love how real she keeps it.

Outside of that, I've been working really hard.  Kind of, the last two days I've had a hard time focusing on my work.  I really don't know how I manage to sit there for 10 1/2 hours and not get anything done.  But I guess its possible.  My mind just hasn't been in it this week.  I really need to learn to leave my phone alone, especially since I'm able to get on FB from it so easily. LOL.  Then I've managed to get back into Twitter.  I think its mainly because I'm bored.  You'd think I'd be using my time off to be more productive..........with I don't know maybe exercising or something.  Nope! I'm on the internets.  Go figure.


Then, I managed to get into it with friends somewhat.  I guess misunderstandings, that was real nice.  However, I apologized openly to people because well...I did act out before finding out the whole truth.  However, in the end, I still don't trust it.  Is something wrong with that?  I just don't trust anyone anymore.  I guess I need to remind myself that I can only control my feelings and thoughts.  I know a lot of people, well my IRL people think I feel nothing or don't care because I'm sooooo mean.  No, I care.  Its obvious, its on my freaking brain a lot more than they think.  I'm very vocal about how I feel and how a person hurts me.  I don't know why, I'd just rather get it out of my head.  Well, hopefully its all resolved anyways.  At least on my side.

Oh and David did Natalya's hair.......and she took this lovely photo, this is what I call the classic "Tamesha" pose.  She is definitely a character.  LOL.

So thats my lil' update so far.  As for the weight loss thing, I don't want to become obsessed with the scale.  I think that happened when I seen I wasn't losing....it pissed me off.  So I'm going to do my best not to let the scale numbers get to me, focus on what I've lost so far.......maintain and do my best in the mean time to beginning losing more.

Worst Week Yet...

So I willingly admit, this has been the worst week for me yet.  I started for one!  Ugggh.  Then, instead of losing or even maintaining, I gained. Yes, its 1 pound but it still means I wasn't doing something right.  And I admit I wasn't doing anything right this week.

I think I was just hyping myself up last week, which really sucks.  I want to do some things to start losing weight, like exercising.  I know thats the biggest one.  But how does a person do that with cold weather?  And then we're in this tiny apartment, there's barely any room in here.  Plus, this week I came back to work and did 15 hours of OT.  I wasn't getting home until after 7pm, eating late and then staying up late.  My whole week got thrown off.  Then throw in some fast food and high calorie drinks, like juice...pink lemonade, coffee with lots of cream and sugar.  Yeah, I didn't do good at all.  I didn't exercise and I didn't even really watch what I ate or drank.

I'm telling you, those calories are what got me.  Took in more than I could burn.  I need to get it together!  I'm very disappointed in myself.  I know the truth is, maybe from the beginning I had no intentions of doing any of those things I listed last week.  Then I feel like I'm eating everything as normal, like the fill didn't exist.  The feeling of restriction is gone.  Well, at least I have my next appointment on the 20th.  So hopefully that goes better.  But I know I need to get my ass in gear with exercising, thats the biggest factor in this.

Next week the weather is supposed to warm up, there should be no more room for excuses.  The biggest thing, I need to stick to water, I felt my body craving it this week and ignored the signs.  I need Julian now...to come kick my ass!

A lot going on...

So, I never made the official announcement that David and I are back together. So there you go! LOL. After 3 weeks of being separated and lots of talking, I said he could come back. And yes, he begged and cried. For real! No exaggeration plus thats just not me to do so. He was allowed to come back with stipulations and so far he's done all of them. However we still have our moments like any relationship where we don't get along but its definitely a different vibe this go. And all I can do is pray that God assists us through all the trying times. He knows what he's doing with us.

Outside of that, I've taken over doing a new set of claims. So for the past month its been pretty hard working through it and getting things in order. But its also been a challenge. And well, I love challenges. So I am actually happy I took it on and happy to say that I accomplished it.

Next, I'm not sure if I even mentioned it on here but I'm getting the lap band surgery on November 17th! Thats this Tuesday! And yes, David is being supportive of that. He was a little worried I'd get all skinny and sexy on him....and just leave him. I was like what? Men and their insecurities. But now he's on board. We've been doing the Atkin's diet together the past 2 weeks. Me more stricter since its my pre-op diet, however I've had my set backs. Not sure how people do diets. I openly admit, I don't do diets! At all, I can't be restricted and its just a waste for like 2 weeks.

I plan on taking some pics today so that I can start logging it on here. Its so unreal that surgery has come so fast. I'm scared and nervous. Fact is, I've never had any type of surgery! Not c-section, NOTHING. So the thought of someone fiddling with my insides worries me. But I did have to get an endoscopy and colonscopy for my gastro clearance and don't remember it...so it can't be too bad? Well I know this time I'll wake up with more pain but still. :)

So thats my quick update....

The Jobby Job

So I managed to work almost 20 hrs of OT this week. I've never done that in my life. However, I am caught up on all my work. Crazy, eh? Which should tell you there...we got that much work all the time...that even 60 hours a week wouldn't keep you caught up. LOL. But I did get a wonderful email on Tuesday morning from a son aka Power of Attorney for one of the insureds, it said GREAT SERVICE! He was so surprised that he faxed in the bill on the 13th of this month and got his check in hand by the 20th. I love being praised for good work! And it made my day, so in the end, it was worth it. Plus I got some phone comments from two other people...about how impressed they were with me, how helpful I am. So it lets me know I'm doing a good job. Mind you, I still hate being on the phone. However I do have to talk to the insureds or their family. But at times, I just want to tell them.....read their dang POLICY!

Seriously people...I've worked for medical insurance companies and processed claims for PPO plans, HMO plans...even Medicaid and Medicare. And in the midst of it, taken calls from providers and members/insureds. Its seriously not the insurance company trying to deny and not pay. If your policy states something, we have to process it that way. Believe, I don't enjoy denying peoples claims on purpose.

But also...there are seriously a lot of people out there right now trying to get over and fraud the insurance company as well. Like some of the policies I work right now for long term care...they pay a personal caregiver....thats someone who is NOT a licensed nurse and usually a family friend or family member. And these people be lying to get that money. I mean seriously, its rediculous...and they get mad because they have to provide proof of payment for us to reimburse them. Its crazy the stories and things we hear from people.

My advice for people, seriously just sit down and read over your benefits and coverage. Thats with any insurance policy. Know what you have.