I do have to say, I am in a better place today... than I have been the last two weeks. I do believe that the doctor I seen for the revision surgery, does take band patients from other doctors. I am thinking about inquiring with that instead of the actual revision.
So yeah, I met with the new doc. Do you know how awesome it was to meet with him. I was so nervous. But he did the consultation. He explained everything, he went through my entire record and really spent the time to go over this with me. Just that in general... makes me wish he was my doctor for the band. He did say he believes the VSG would be right for me and even though there is the chance of it being harder to lose with a revision, it shouldn't be for me since technically I didn't lose close to 80-100 lbs like others and then gain it back. So there is hope, its just all about the finances now. To be honest, thats the part that scares the me most.
So looking into all that jazz. I'm still on the fence...
But with regard to other life things, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky type of chic. So when I go dark... its real dark. I'm feeling better, its time to get things in order.
Add in going back to school and the frustrations of being in a job where you feel like there is no room for promotions. But school is my focus... outside of focusing on myself and the family. I am in the middle of taking my College Algebra class, it SUCKS! I just pray to pass with at least a C. It has been over 10 years since I took my last math class.
Another thing is I disconnected from Facebook. I kind of realized that it preoccupied too much of my time. Now I'm not off anything else... but I rarely get on other social media things. I have my IG, Kik and Snapchat... mainly to watch my 14 year old son. LOL. And add in, I just kind of felt like certain so-called friends or family were not connected to me and my every day life. I don't think I want to share much of my life with them and other people I rarely interact with except on there. I think some family/friends assumed because we are connected on there... there is no need to call, text or even physically hang out since they know what is up with me. When in reality, they DON'T. Instead of feeling connected to people on Facebook, I actually feel disconnected and almost lonely. And I figure, if these people want to know whats up with me, they can put in the effort.
So yeah... a lot of thinking... don't have all the answers, but I do feel better.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
A mind full of confusion
I must admit, I have been so confused lately on a lot of things in my life. I'm not sure why either. I feel like I want all these changes but I don't know where to start.
And what changes... changes related to my weight, changes related to how I feel about myself lately. Changes related to the home front >>> like running a household and keeping our house organized and clean. Changes at work especially. I love my job, I do but then again its so frustrating working in the corporate field. I've been with my company for 5+ years and have not been able to be promoted in the last 3 years. The question remains in myself... is it me or is it the people in charge. That is part of the reason I returned to school and to finish my bachelors. It just sucks because I won't finish my bachelors degree until possibly May 2017. Which then has me mad at myself even more... for not finishing school earlier.
Maybe its a lot of the blame game internally that is getting me this way. Lately, I've wanted to just run away. I keep finding myself wanting to go out and experience life. WHY? Because I see others on Facebook getting too. That is another thing, maybe I need to take a Facebook break. I just feel so unattached to the people on there (although most are people I know in real life, family and "supposed" friends).
I just feel so all over the place...
And maybe that's why I feel I want this revision surgery. Fact <<< I know the surgery will NOT change my emotional ways on how I feel about food or even myself. Its like I know all the things that need to be done, I know what I need to do. Why can't I just do it! Add in, I see some people who lose the weight... and almost look down upon those of us still struggling. Don't think I don't blame myself over and over again... regarding the use of my Lap Band. I have a ton of self guilt for not using it to my advantage. However, I will be real and say.. this is the first real time I've attempted to lose weight. I have commitment issues overall in all areas of my life. I'm getting better with fulfilling what I'm doing, but prior to this WLS... I really never tried to lose weight. I did Weight Watchers........ 1 week, bought all the crap and never went back. Tried some Dr's weight loss program w/ pills....... didn't like how the pills made me feel, quit. Ever really tried working out? Lasted at most... 1-2 weeks.
So the reality is... is it worth getting a revision, can I commit to this decision and REALLY make it work? Maybe thats why I'm so confused. I don't want to be judged by people. People who say, "Oh, but I thought you already had surgery." I just want to shoot them the freakin' side eye... and be like... shut the hell up. And even as I read through past posts on here, I forgot what I went through the 1st year having this in. I couldn't effectively lose weight or get fills because of other medical things happening. Add in the sorry ass service provided by True Results. But somewhere along the route, I gave up on me.
I'm not happy right now... and I don't know where to start. Yeah... this post is all over the place. Lol.
And what changes... changes related to my weight, changes related to how I feel about myself lately. Changes related to the home front >>> like running a household and keeping our house organized and clean. Changes at work especially. I love my job, I do but then again its so frustrating working in the corporate field. I've been with my company for 5+ years and have not been able to be promoted in the last 3 years. The question remains in myself... is it me or is it the people in charge. That is part of the reason I returned to school and to finish my bachelors. It just sucks because I won't finish my bachelors degree until possibly May 2017. Which then has me mad at myself even more... for not finishing school earlier.
Maybe its a lot of the blame game internally that is getting me this way. Lately, I've wanted to just run away. I keep finding myself wanting to go out and experience life. WHY? Because I see others on Facebook getting too. That is another thing, maybe I need to take a Facebook break. I just feel so unattached to the people on there (although most are people I know in real life, family and "supposed" friends).
I just feel so all over the place...
And maybe that's why I feel I want this revision surgery. Fact <<< I know the surgery will NOT change my emotional ways on how I feel about food or even myself. Its like I know all the things that need to be done, I know what I need to do. Why can't I just do it! Add in, I see some people who lose the weight... and almost look down upon those of us still struggling. Don't think I don't blame myself over and over again... regarding the use of my Lap Band. I have a ton of self guilt for not using it to my advantage. However, I will be real and say.. this is the first real time I've attempted to lose weight. I have commitment issues overall in all areas of my life. I'm getting better with fulfilling what I'm doing, but prior to this WLS... I really never tried to lose weight. I did Weight Watchers........ 1 week, bought all the crap and never went back. Tried some Dr's weight loss program w/ pills....... didn't like how the pills made me feel, quit. Ever really tried working out? Lasted at most... 1-2 weeks.
So the reality is... is it worth getting a revision, can I commit to this decision and REALLY make it work? Maybe thats why I'm so confused. I don't want to be judged by people. People who say, "Oh, but I thought you already had surgery." I just want to shoot them the freakin' side eye... and be like... shut the hell up. And even as I read through past posts on here, I forgot what I went through the 1st year having this in. I couldn't effectively lose weight or get fills because of other medical things happening. Add in the sorry ass service provided by True Results. But somewhere along the route, I gave up on me.
I'm not happy right now... and I don't know where to start. Yeah... this post is all over the place. Lol.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Whats going on?
I've noticed lately, I'm in a weird "blah" state of mind. I'm not sure whats wrong or if there is something wrong. I suppose I can update things after being gone from here for like a year and half.
During the past year and half or even two years... I've been a mom focused on family only. I've been trying to figure out how to balance... family, career and just time for myself. Its hard work. And maybe thats where the stress starts.
Lets see... so David (my husband) started officially working in a barbershop in January 2013, right after getting his cosmetologist license in December 2012. Thank GOD! In working at this first shop, he met some really great friends. In the end, these friends and him went in on opening their own barber shop. It finally opened in November 2013. And slowly... business has been getting better.
I actually decided to go back to school and finish my bachelors degree. YAY! So, I started my first set of classes in January 2014. I only could transfer in so many credits, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch but its all good because I feel more determined now to finish my degree and have that under my belt. So... so far so good.
As for the kiddos... my oldest son is going into high school this fall. CRAZY! I have a high schooler, it makes me want to cry thinking of it. He's class of 2018. It's going by so fast. Then my daughter will be going into 5th grade and my baby boy is going into kinder. This past year, has been filled with a lot of kids activities... sports, girl scouts and even my youngest seeing the eye doctor again and wearing glasses.
However, with all these things... I've let my eating and lapband sit on the back burner. I've gained back all the weight I lost. Its so disappointing. I've tried over and over to get back on to doing the right thing. Its so hard. And to be honest... I haven't been back to True Results to look at my band since 2012. I don't feel like its adequate care or comfortable with their staff any more. I've seriously been considering a revision. I don't think anything is wrong with my band, in fact... I still have moments where food hangs up if I eat to fast. I'm sure there is some fluid still in there. I don't think nothing bad of the band. But I'm starting to think, its not the option for me anymore.
So thats where I'm at........
During the past year and half or even two years... I've been a mom focused on family only. I've been trying to figure out how to balance... family, career and just time for myself. Its hard work. And maybe thats where the stress starts.
Lets see... so David (my husband) started officially working in a barbershop in January 2013, right after getting his cosmetologist license in December 2012. Thank GOD! In working at this first shop, he met some really great friends. In the end, these friends and him went in on opening their own barber shop. It finally opened in November 2013. And slowly... business has been getting better.
I actually decided to go back to school and finish my bachelors degree. YAY! So, I started my first set of classes in January 2014. I only could transfer in so many credits, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch but its all good because I feel more determined now to finish my degree and have that under my belt. So... so far so good.
As for the kiddos... my oldest son is going into high school this fall. CRAZY! I have a high schooler, it makes me want to cry thinking of it. He's class of 2018. It's going by so fast. Then my daughter will be going into 5th grade and my baby boy is going into kinder. This past year, has been filled with a lot of kids activities... sports, girl scouts and even my youngest seeing the eye doctor again and wearing glasses.
However, with all these things... I've let my eating and lapband sit on the back burner. I've gained back all the weight I lost. Its so disappointing. I've tried over and over to get back on to doing the right thing. Its so hard. And to be honest... I haven't been back to True Results to look at my band since 2012. I don't feel like its adequate care or comfortable with their staff any more. I've seriously been considering a revision. I don't think anything is wrong with my band, in fact... I still have moments where food hangs up if I eat to fast. I'm sure there is some fluid still in there. I don't think nothing bad of the band. But I'm starting to think, its not the option for me anymore.
So thats where I'm at........
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I need the accountability
So after beginning gone for quite some time from here, I realized I need the accountability. I have managed to gain back all the weight I lost - which in total was only 35 lbs. But after gaining it back, that made a huge difference for me. I forgot what it felt like to be at this weight. I gained back at least 20 lbs of it just in a year by stopping everything that held me accountable and at least kept me in maintaining the weight I was at.
During the past year, I've also tried to do this weight loss challenge in a group on Facebook. Never really committed nor did it really make me change my ways. Ultimately, it is going back to the basics for me that I need. I have to make that decision to be healthier and stick to it. It just sucks because its so much work, I hate it being so hard. For others, it seemed like it was easy. But that is also something I need to work on, stop comparing my own journey to others. I think that is the reason I gave up and gave in to the inner fat girl. I admit, I went crazy with my eating --- I haven't had a fill in over 2 years, I haven't even been to the doctors to check on my band. I've been really bad. I mean, last year I did try to walk/exercise but was defeated after having constant pains in my left joint and then later sciatica in my right side.
And so... I choose to really start new. As I type this, I choose to start being accountable for my weight and why my body is like this. I always have excuses, but I'm tired of this. I have to put more into taking care of me and last year made me realize it... my cholesterol is back up, add in now I'm having high blood pressure. None of course that require meds, YET.
I have to go back to tracking all the food I put in my mouth, I have to start tracking all the water I drink. I have to change terrible eating habits and not give in so easily. But the biggest... I have to go see the doctor to check on my band, to see if I stretched my stomach out and ruined the whole purpose of having this band or not.
In the meantime, I've been eating pretty light the last few days. Lots of soups, liquids. Not totally bad ones. I haven't been throwing up at all. But we'll see what happens after I get into the doctor.
I just know I have a lot of catching up to do on here, and I need this tool to keep me on top of me! Even if no one else is reading it. Lol.
During the past year, I've also tried to do this weight loss challenge in a group on Facebook. Never really committed nor did it really make me change my ways. Ultimately, it is going back to the basics for me that I need. I have to make that decision to be healthier and stick to it. It just sucks because its so much work, I hate it being so hard. For others, it seemed like it was easy. But that is also something I need to work on, stop comparing my own journey to others. I think that is the reason I gave up and gave in to the inner fat girl. I admit, I went crazy with my eating --- I haven't had a fill in over 2 years, I haven't even been to the doctors to check on my band. I've been really bad. I mean, last year I did try to walk/exercise but was defeated after having constant pains in my left joint and then later sciatica in my right side.
And so... I choose to really start new. As I type this, I choose to start being accountable for my weight and why my body is like this. I always have excuses, but I'm tired of this. I have to put more into taking care of me and last year made me realize it... my cholesterol is back up, add in now I'm having high blood pressure. None of course that require meds, YET.
I have to go back to tracking all the food I put in my mouth, I have to start tracking all the water I drink. I have to change terrible eating habits and not give in so easily. But the biggest... I have to go see the doctor to check on my band, to see if I stretched my stomach out and ruined the whole purpose of having this band or not.
In the meantime, I've been eating pretty light the last few days. Lots of soups, liquids. Not totally bad ones. I haven't been throwing up at all. But we'll see what happens after I get into the doctor.
I just know I have a lot of catching up to do on here, and I need this tool to keep me on top of me! Even if no one else is reading it. Lol.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Some updates since I've been gone...
I figured I would update those who may be interested... or not on whats been happening in the past 6 months. Lets see... some key points.
- In March... I met a great friend (aka my BFF now), who was nearby this whole time. We have become wonderful friends and I really do my best to support her and help where I can.
- In April... My husband and I went to see Daniel Tosh. He is definitely worth seeing in person. We love Tosh.0 and had a great time. It was our 5 year anniversary celebration.
- In May... We also went to see Kevin Hart, that is my husband's favorite comedian. Hilarious and I'm glad we went. My daughter finished out her Spring softball season, the team lost all games. I think there were like 12 in the season. LOL. Its all good, she had fun and enjoyed it. Both Aries and Naty made it on the straight A honor roll.
- In June... Natalya had a bad burn, 2nd degree. She was trying to cook ramen noodles by herself in our microwave. As she pulled the bowl down from the microwave (which sits above the stove), she poored it down the front of her chest and belly. It was a scary thing. But the good news is she healed up quickly, still has some scarring but not too bad. Thanks to Dell Childrens Hospital. She was going almost every day for treatment.
- As for the summer time... I've been working non-stop, tons of overtime at work. Basically killing myself to make ends meet until my husband finished school. Unfortunately, he hit a snag and was out of school for attendance. It was appealed but he was not approved to re-start school until August 27th. In the end, it worked out because we saved money on daycare costs during the summer for the kiddos. And I didn't have to miss work and he was able to take Naty to her doctor appointments for her burns. For the rest of the summer...we did nothing big. Saving money for the kids school clothes and thats about it. I really wish we could have taken a real vacation. One day.
- In July... celebrated a birthday with my good friend, Becca Dawn. I also completed my LTC designation! Yay, I did actually complete something. I'm so proud of myself. So that means I'm officially an LTC (long term care) Professional. Currently working on other designations until I can go back to school for my bachelors next year.
- My oldest son started 7th grade, which also meant he started tackle football with his middle school. My daughter started 3rd grade.
- We also signed my daughter up for softball again (and to be honest... she is soooo good). Well she keeps getting better. Every time she's up to bat, she hits it. I'm very proud of her efforts. We also signed her up for Brownies in Girl Scouts. I am now a member as well... to help out the troop when necessary.
- As for little Brayden, still bad as can be. Tee hee! But he's officially potty trained and is talking in full sentences now.
And now that school is back in... we are just busy busy busy.
Oh and a last thought......... LOL.
- In March... I met a great friend (aka my BFF now), who was nearby this whole time. We have become wonderful friends and I really do my best to support her and help where I can.
- In April... My husband and I went to see Daniel Tosh. He is definitely worth seeing in person. We love Tosh.0 and had a great time. It was our 5 year anniversary celebration.
- In May... We also went to see Kevin Hart, that is my husband's favorite comedian. Hilarious and I'm glad we went. My daughter finished out her Spring softball season, the team lost all games. I think there were like 12 in the season. LOL. Its all good, she had fun and enjoyed it. Both Aries and Naty made it on the straight A honor roll.
- In June... Natalya had a bad burn, 2nd degree. She was trying to cook ramen noodles by herself in our microwave. As she pulled the bowl down from the microwave (which sits above the stove), she poored it down the front of her chest and belly. It was a scary thing. But the good news is she healed up quickly, still has some scarring but not too bad. Thanks to Dell Childrens Hospital. She was going almost every day for treatment.
- As for the summer time... I've been working non-stop, tons of overtime at work. Basically killing myself to make ends meet until my husband finished school. Unfortunately, he hit a snag and was out of school for attendance. It was appealed but he was not approved to re-start school until August 27th. In the end, it worked out because we saved money on daycare costs during the summer for the kiddos. And I didn't have to miss work and he was able to take Naty to her doctor appointments for her burns. For the rest of the summer...we did nothing big. Saving money for the kids school clothes and thats about it. I really wish we could have taken a real vacation. One day.
- In July... celebrated a birthday with my good friend, Becca Dawn. I also completed my LTC designation! Yay, I did actually complete something. I'm so proud of myself. So that means I'm officially an LTC (long term care) Professional. Currently working on other designations until I can go back to school for my bachelors next year.
- My oldest son started 7th grade, which also meant he started tackle football with his middle school. My daughter started 3rd grade.
- We also signed my daughter up for softball again (and to be honest... she is soooo good). Well she keeps getting better. Every time she's up to bat, she hits it. I'm very proud of her efforts. We also signed her up for Brownies in Girl Scouts. I am now a member as well... to help out the troop when necessary.
- As for little Brayden, still bad as can be. Tee hee! But he's officially potty trained and is talking in full sentences now.
And now that school is back in... we are just busy busy busy.
Oh and a last thought......... LOL.
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