So I figured I'd post a blog since thats what I do. Most of my family/friends know that David is back home...its been almost two weeks. We're working through everything, its nice to have him back. I missed him and most of ya'll knew that. Still dealing w/ the hurt and questions and answers...and just weary about things but I guess thats part of the healing process, right? Its still a confusing thing...mainly because I'm the type of person that asks questions til shit makes sense. And even now, still not sure what happened for him to get up and leave. But he apologized.....and even drove about 14 hours to be back here. He's home, I guess thats the focus....that he's where he wants to be right? Its just still...I guess this is one of those things that either breaks or makes a relationship. Hopefully this makes us stronger and thats all I can pray for.
Outside of that...I've been having major contractions but nothing regular. I've been going to the doctor once a week now...so far about 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced. He's finally head down and lordddd...he's just poking me in the sides and just hurting me. I'm waddling like crazy, all I want to do is sleep. Plus now that the Cedar molds have rolled into the Austin area, I'm dealing w/ my allergies and asthma even more. Sucks, my inhaler makes me want to sleep even more. I swear I could sleep a good 16 hours a day...but then my hips are aching and pelvis from this babie's head between my legs. I just can't wait to have him. I did get good news at my last appointment on Monday, their gonna let me induce at 39 weeks rather than waiting it out until my due date passes. Its scheduled for January 8th, so if he's not here between now and then on his own...(which most likely, he won't be because he's just like his daddy......stubborn!) I will be delivering this big boy on the 8th. And he will be a big boy...doctor said he'll probably be like brother/sister...around 8lbs or so, definitely not a 6lber...lol. Figures. I'm feeling better though...David managed to get his car seat, that was the biggest worry...because if I did have him early, how was he coming home? Lol. Plus I got his Boppy Swing I wanted...well I wanted either the bouncer or swing. Then I was so stressed for those two weeks...I lost like 7 pounds. I go back this week...and gain like 4 pounds back, don't feel it though. The doctor said it was probably just water retention. I don't feel that swollen though...hmmmfff. Who knows. I just know at the end of this...I'm sure I'll be weighing less than I did before getting pregnant, thats good news! Haha.
I just can't wait to be normal again...lol. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to meeting my son...but dang, what us women go through carrying them.
Finally Christmas is OVER WITH! I hate this time of year...as an adult its just not any fun when your struglling financially already. But the kids did good w/ help and I appreciate everything thats been done. They got what they wanted and well they both are not very picky anyways. Next up >>> Aries' 9th Birthday! on December 30th. No party like I want, with the baby coming and things...its gonna be a lot but he will have something small.
So thats about it so far...I'll be sure to post some pics up once Brayden is here! In the meantime there's other new photos up from Christmas, the cats, etc.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Back Together
Well I figured I'd let everyone know...David and I are back together, if you didn't know by now. He came back home on Sunday after lots of talking and still talking. :) But I'm glad we're working things out......
Friday, December 12, 2008
A Woman’s Worth
A Woman has strengths that amaze men.
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid.
Her love is unconditional!
There's only one thing wrong with her:
SHE SOMETIMES FORGETS WHAT SHE IS WORTH...
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid.
Her love is unconditional!
There's only one thing wrong with her:
SHE SOMETIMES FORGETS WHAT SHE IS WORTH...
Too True!
God doesn't give you the people you want.
He gives you the people you NEED.
To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.
Never take someone for granted, hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.
He gives you the people you NEED.
To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.
Never take someone for granted, hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Phase IV: Full of Anger
So yesterday I cussed David out. After all that shit and thinking about stuff....why should I feel bad for things. Why should I let him turn it around on me like I did something wrong. I didn't. I've been good, yeah I've had my part in some things but things that are not major stuff. I could understand if I was out there running around fuckin' all these dudes or talking shit about him. About how he really wasn't looking for work much. But I didn't. I never once came at him that way. I talked to him like my other half and best friend...like whats going, what are you doing today...whats your plans? But he took it as me saying he was a bum or something. I never had that in my mind. However, what is one to think when a person could careless? Thats what he showed.
I just know I'm not going to put up with being treated like shit, like I did him so bad. I know I have stuff I need to work on relationship wise but it wasn't big stuff. I've been a good woman to him.
Outside of that...he's trying to munipulate me and my emotions...my heartbreak to get out of paying child support. Hell, he wants to know why I'm going to do that and not give him a chance to do it on his own............HELLLO??? Did he miss the fact that he left his son before he's born....left all of us in a house not concerned if we had rent paid, electricity, food??? He even took 35.00 from me to put gas in his car to leave us.........so now he's concerned about his son? Fuck him! He's a selfish asshole, concerned about himself ONLY!!! I know he has money from unemployment......if he's really so concerned with helping, he'd still give something. But I know he won't. So you see, thats why we're going to court for child support.
Even at this point...and as I've thought about things, I'm not sure I want him there for the delivery. How strange......awkward would it be to have the man who just left you to clean up the entire mess.....by yourself at 8 1/2 months pregnant. While he's been in another city.....doing what he wants, fucking other bitches and living his life stress free. But he wants to be in there like he's been there the whole time through the pregnancy......he left right when he was needed. But hey, his peace of mind and sanity was more important...because well, life was so horrible here. His life fell apart and now he has to get it together, how the hell are you going to get shit together for yourself if your not looking for work? Your busy with talking to ex-girlfriends, texting and talking to other muthafucka's all day. Ohhh but he ain't got no money.........what the fuck ever!! Had money to sure as hell get that cell phone cut back on...got money to ride around in the car that I GOT YOU! Eh? Oh yeah...life was that bad here. You had shit, but you fail to realize how well you had things. Or maybe everything he ever said was a lie to get what he wanted. Just another woman he used....
Just when I thought he was developing into a grown man...because thats what he claimed he was, he ran. Just like he did to all them other bitches he did over. Fact is, I ain't them other bitches. I ain't into being a best friend with you, you did me wrong.........VERY wrong. I have no room in my heart or life for someone like that. I'm a very loyal person, I would never have done him this way. Just leaving him out in the cold and worry about myself...children or not, for my self-satisfaction.
I'm not being selfish, I'm protecting my child from another self-absorbed man. Just another fuckin' Tony.....talked all that shit about him, but just like him...in so many ways, I just had no clue. I know for a fact, I will be raising this child alone. He'll come around when he feels like it.....like now, come and go out of this lil' boy's life because David is more important than his own children.
And he can be pissed........until he realizes how wrong he was and apologizes for all of it....and actually feels remorseful, I want nothing to do with his sorry ass!
I just know I'm not going to put up with being treated like shit, like I did him so bad. I know I have stuff I need to work on relationship wise but it wasn't big stuff. I've been a good woman to him.
Outside of that...he's trying to munipulate me and my emotions...my heartbreak to get out of paying child support. Hell, he wants to know why I'm going to do that and not give him a chance to do it on his own............HELLLO??? Did he miss the fact that he left his son before he's born....left all of us in a house not concerned if we had rent paid, electricity, food??? He even took 35.00 from me to put gas in his car to leave us.........so now he's concerned about his son? Fuck him! He's a selfish asshole, concerned about himself ONLY!!! I know he has money from unemployment......if he's really so concerned with helping, he'd still give something. But I know he won't. So you see, thats why we're going to court for child support.
Even at this point...and as I've thought about things, I'm not sure I want him there for the delivery. How strange......awkward would it be to have the man who just left you to clean up the entire mess.....by yourself at 8 1/2 months pregnant. While he's been in another city.....doing what he wants, fucking other bitches and living his life stress free. But he wants to be in there like he's been there the whole time through the pregnancy......he left right when he was needed. But hey, his peace of mind and sanity was more important...because well, life was so horrible here. His life fell apart and now he has to get it together, how the hell are you going to get shit together for yourself if your not looking for work? Your busy with talking to ex-girlfriends, texting and talking to other muthafucka's all day. Ohhh but he ain't got no money.........what the fuck ever!! Had money to sure as hell get that cell phone cut back on...got money to ride around in the car that I GOT YOU! Eh? Oh yeah...life was that bad here. You had shit, but you fail to realize how well you had things. Or maybe everything he ever said was a lie to get what he wanted. Just another woman he used....
Just when I thought he was developing into a grown man...because thats what he claimed he was, he ran. Just like he did to all them other bitches he did over. Fact is, I ain't them other bitches. I ain't into being a best friend with you, you did me wrong.........VERY wrong. I have no room in my heart or life for someone like that. I'm a very loyal person, I would never have done him this way. Just leaving him out in the cold and worry about myself...children or not, for my self-satisfaction.
I'm not being selfish, I'm protecting my child from another self-absorbed man. Just another fuckin' Tony.....talked all that shit about him, but just like him...in so many ways, I just had no clue. I know for a fact, I will be raising this child alone. He'll come around when he feels like it.....like now, come and go out of this lil' boy's life because David is more important than his own children.
And he can be pissed........until he realizes how wrong he was and apologizes for all of it....and actually feels remorseful, I want nothing to do with his sorry ass!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Phase III: Letting Go
Its been a bad week, some good days and a few bad no doubt. But I'm progressing...thats what my mind is doing through this time in my life. I've been through this before, God has prepared me somewhat for this. After praying over and over, asking God to give me the answer on if its worth salvaging a relationship with someone who seems not to care much anymore. He gave the answer. God let him make the decision that I probably couldn't. I'm an optimist, usually the type to think things can be talked through and worked out. I had my moments, I just wanted to walk away myself but stayed because love was there...because we had gone through tougher moments and made it.
However after this, I realized I am the stronger one. I realized, I had it in my mind and knew what I wanted all along. I told him straight up, from us meeting what it was. Take it or walk, but don't waste my time. Well, he's walked after all this. And after seeing how cold and how quickly he can shut off his feelings....it just showed me he wasn't strong enough or ready for what level I was moving up to. No doubt, I still love him......I think he has the potential to be an even better man with time and experience in life. But I know now it will not be with me by his side.
I know I can't control anyone but my own feelings, I can't keep someone here who is not willing to stay. A relationship is about honesty, communication and respect. If only one person is putting in majority of the effort, it won't work. I'm letting us go.......the plans, the thoughts of our future together. I'm letting him go...
I pray to God, he blesses him with all the things to be a great father and man.
Its now about my children and myself. The definition of my name is "worthy of love". I agree......of self love. Its time to get focused on myself again, because in the midst of trying to keep this person in my life and worrying if he truly loves me.........I lost some love for myself. Its time to take back control of how I feel about myself.
I also realize........how blessed I really am. I have my children, even the lil' boy growing in my belly right now. If anything he is the blessing that came out of what we had. I have the strength in me to continue walking the path God has set for me. Its going to be hard...no doubt, bad days but there are more good...and at times I forget what I have been blessed with.
I will be okay.
However after this, I realized I am the stronger one. I realized, I had it in my mind and knew what I wanted all along. I told him straight up, from us meeting what it was. Take it or walk, but don't waste my time. Well, he's walked after all this. And after seeing how cold and how quickly he can shut off his feelings....it just showed me he wasn't strong enough or ready for what level I was moving up to. No doubt, I still love him......I think he has the potential to be an even better man with time and experience in life. But I know now it will not be with me by his side.
I know I can't control anyone but my own feelings, I can't keep someone here who is not willing to stay. A relationship is about honesty, communication and respect. If only one person is putting in majority of the effort, it won't work. I'm letting us go.......the plans, the thoughts of our future together. I'm letting him go...
I pray to God, he blesses him with all the things to be a great father and man.
Its now about my children and myself. The definition of my name is "worthy of love". I agree......of self love. Its time to get focused on myself again, because in the midst of trying to keep this person in my life and worrying if he truly loves me.........I lost some love for myself. Its time to take back control of how I feel about myself.
I also realize........how blessed I really am. I have my children, even the lil' boy growing in my belly right now. If anything he is the blessing that came out of what we had. I have the strength in me to continue walking the path God has set for me. Its going to be hard...no doubt, bad days but there are more good...and at times I forget what I have been blessed with.
I will be okay.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Phase II: State of confusion (and a thanks)
Thanks to my family and friends who have all been there for me during these trying moments in my life. Calling to check on me, to make sure I'm okay and most of all, just supporting me right now. I'm sure if you all were not here, I'd be a complete emotional wreck even more so right now w/ out ya'll.
So I look back on emails and think back on conversations with David. Not even a few months ago, he was saying this was the BEST relationship he's ever had. Why? Because he knew we were good together, I did too. In fact, all my friends were shocked by this news. No one ever thought David would leave me, muchless while being pregnant. I don't think I did either. I still in my heart feel he's the one, we had our share of issues....like all couples. But definitely not something that people break up behind. At least I feel not on his side.
I admit and have said this to him.......I have trust issues because of past relationships. I've learned to let some things go while others are brought about by some of his own actions. Nothing major but also things you don't do in a relationship you state you want. We got over humps, but I figure if you want to marry me...we come as one, learn to be together as one. Thats how it should be. No matter what.......I've always appreciated the things he did for me, he did treat me good. He spoiled me rotten, so much I think I became accustomed to it. Which could have been a major fault of mine, even selfish when it came to certain times. I'm sure I didn't show it...show that I appreciated it and even took it for granted at times. But then where was the appreciation for my part in this relationship?
I worked all the time, I paid majority of the bills. I shared everything with him, my money, my values. I cared about what was happening in his life and did whatever I could to fix problems he was having outside of our relationship. Yes, I expected things from him. As any person should in a relationship. But things he could reach and was capable of. I was even willing to move back home w/ the parents...our whole family, so he could go to school for doing hair...and be in a career and potential business that would benefit all. I made a lot of sacrafices. I mean, we only moved back to Austin because he suggested it. I would have stayed in Houston. I even thought we could move to New Orleans, just so he could be near his first son. All this for him.
So I'm confused....how do you end something with someone you claim you loved so much one day, and the next.......just walk out? Was it really that bad? No big argument, no big incident. I was loyal. I might have complained or bitched.......but I took him flaws and all. Same as he did w/ me at one point. So what changed? How do you go from love......to almost dislike or hate? I've never felt the coldness in his heart until that day he left.
I just don't understand all this. To say it was leading to this......no, it wasn't. He made this choice within a short amount of time. I just hope he realizes what he's decided. I am a forgiving person but this betrayal...and abandonment, will leave me to resent him for a long time.
So I look back on emails and think back on conversations with David. Not even a few months ago, he was saying this was the BEST relationship he's ever had. Why? Because he knew we were good together, I did too. In fact, all my friends were shocked by this news. No one ever thought David would leave me, muchless while being pregnant. I don't think I did either. I still in my heart feel he's the one, we had our share of issues....like all couples. But definitely not something that people break up behind. At least I feel not on his side.
I admit and have said this to him.......I have trust issues because of past relationships. I've learned to let some things go while others are brought about by some of his own actions. Nothing major but also things you don't do in a relationship you state you want. We got over humps, but I figure if you want to marry me...we come as one, learn to be together as one. Thats how it should be. No matter what.......I've always appreciated the things he did for me, he did treat me good. He spoiled me rotten, so much I think I became accustomed to it. Which could have been a major fault of mine, even selfish when it came to certain times. I'm sure I didn't show it...show that I appreciated it and even took it for granted at times. But then where was the appreciation for my part in this relationship?
I worked all the time, I paid majority of the bills. I shared everything with him, my money, my values. I cared about what was happening in his life and did whatever I could to fix problems he was having outside of our relationship. Yes, I expected things from him. As any person should in a relationship. But things he could reach and was capable of. I was even willing to move back home w/ the parents...our whole family, so he could go to school for doing hair...and be in a career and potential business that would benefit all. I made a lot of sacrafices. I mean, we only moved back to Austin because he suggested it. I would have stayed in Houston. I even thought we could move to New Orleans, just so he could be near his first son. All this for him.
So I'm confused....how do you end something with someone you claim you loved so much one day, and the next.......just walk out? Was it really that bad? No big argument, no big incident. I was loyal. I might have complained or bitched.......but I took him flaws and all. Same as he did w/ me at one point. So what changed? How do you go from love......to almost dislike or hate? I've never felt the coldness in his heart until that day he left.
I just don't understand all this. To say it was leading to this......no, it wasn't. He made this choice within a short amount of time. I just hope he realizes what he's decided. I am a forgiving person but this betrayal...and abandonment, will leave me to resent him for a long time.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Phase I: The Break Down has begun...
For my close friends, I really need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen at this moment and time. David and I broke up, I'm not sure whats going on with him. I love him and truly felt this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had something special, real special and somehow the break down of it began. The contributors to it?
Partially me.......my insecurities, my past bad relationships, even the things he did to cause mistrust (although not big major things, enough to make me not trust him partially). Then there was him......he stopped talking to me. The intimacy stopped, not because I found him less attractive. But because these hormones in my body, feeling sickly and just not in the mood. I was mean to him, real mean at one point. Enough to realize with his words and even on my own.....I was treating him wrong. But then at some point it felt like it was legit and even to this day does.
How am I supposed to feel? I'm now 8 and a half months pregnant and the man I thought was going to be there through out it all, has left me. Why? He says for his own sanity and mind. Excuse me? What have I been dealing with? Poor YOU! I'm the one carrying the weight of all the bills, all the stresses. But you need a break from this and to say a permanent break is even worse.
If my trust in men hasn't been broke down enough, I think this was the kicker. I loved this man sooooo much. I treated him as my husband, I referred to him as that. I praised everything about him, if anything I rarely ever talked to anyone about our problems.......nor ever stated negative things. So much so my dear friends who hated most of my ex's and the crap that is out there, are just as bewildered as I am at this moment.
How can I trust him again? If he was to come back do I take him back? I'm so confused. Here I am, having a child that was planned with him........now alone. I will be going through it all alone in the delivery room again. This is not what I pictured or planned. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. God, why is this happening? Thats all I can ask........I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I know I'm a strong woman........his excuse is I'm always going to be me and he's always going to be him, he's unhappy. I haven't always been happy but I've been trying, I've been trying.........I just don't understand this whatsoever.
But lord knows, if he's gonna leave me now....especially now, when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with a child he wanted originally....when we, well now I am struggling to pay bills alone to make sure this baby and even the other two children have a roof over their head and electricity. Then whats he gonna do in other times? The character he's showing, maybe these are the true colors shining through. He's not tough enough and worst this time around I'm carrying his child. He could leave so easily, no emotion...no feeling. It makes me wonder what did I do so wrong for you to leave me? To leave your family?
Partially me.......my insecurities, my past bad relationships, even the things he did to cause mistrust (although not big major things, enough to make me not trust him partially). Then there was him......he stopped talking to me. The intimacy stopped, not because I found him less attractive. But because these hormones in my body, feeling sickly and just not in the mood. I was mean to him, real mean at one point. Enough to realize with his words and even on my own.....I was treating him wrong. But then at some point it felt like it was legit and even to this day does.
How am I supposed to feel? I'm now 8 and a half months pregnant and the man I thought was going to be there through out it all, has left me. Why? He says for his own sanity and mind. Excuse me? What have I been dealing with? Poor YOU! I'm the one carrying the weight of all the bills, all the stresses. But you need a break from this and to say a permanent break is even worse.
If my trust in men hasn't been broke down enough, I think this was the kicker. I loved this man sooooo much. I treated him as my husband, I referred to him as that. I praised everything about him, if anything I rarely ever talked to anyone about our problems.......nor ever stated negative things. So much so my dear friends who hated most of my ex's and the crap that is out there, are just as bewildered as I am at this moment.
How can I trust him again? If he was to come back do I take him back? I'm so confused. Here I am, having a child that was planned with him........now alone. I will be going through it all alone in the delivery room again. This is not what I pictured or planned. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. God, why is this happening? Thats all I can ask........I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I know I'm a strong woman........his excuse is I'm always going to be me and he's always going to be him, he's unhappy. I haven't always been happy but I've been trying, I've been trying.........I just don't understand this whatsoever.
But lord knows, if he's gonna leave me now....especially now, when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant with a child he wanted originally....when we, well now I am struggling to pay bills alone to make sure this baby and even the other two children have a roof over their head and electricity. Then whats he gonna do in other times? The character he's showing, maybe these are the true colors shining through. He's not tough enough and worst this time around I'm carrying his child. He could leave so easily, no emotion...no feeling. It makes me wonder what did I do so wrong for you to leave me? To leave your family?
Friday, November 28, 2008
Help.
So as times get harder and believe, they are getting much harder for me at this point. We're doing real bad. Its my income only, during the time of year it sucks to depend on only one income. I hate this! I really do.......I hate going through this all over again. I don't know what to do. On top of it, we have a baby on the way. I got some things for the baby via my babyshower but definitely not what is needed for him. We had a bassinet that we took back due to it being recalled. My aunt got a crib and is supposed to be getting it together but I don't know when...we have no bedding for him. We don't even have a carseat to take him home in. I'm really stressing. As time is creeping up on us, he will be here any day. I don't know what to do. I just feel like crying all the time at this point.
Hell, I don't even have money to pay on my deductible to my doctor...however I have applied for Medicaid for pregnant women and for some reason its been held up. So I have no clue whats going on with that and I should have applied for it a long time ago but due to reasons and talks w/ my doctor was thinking I couldn't use Medicaid there. Figures, I talked to an idiot. I just hope it goes through soon. I got CCMS, but I"m still waiting for it to go through on when my mom will get paid for it. It probably won't happen until after the first of the year. I'm just so stressed.
Our rent is coming up......the light bill is due. I don't know what to do. I've already ruled out Christmas for the kids. If anything I will try to get something but its nothing major. It just sucks yet again! We went through this last year. Why are we dealing with this all over again??? I hate struggling and thats what it feels like we're doing ALL the time. I feel like its all on my shoulders yet again, but this time I'm pregnant. Ugggh!!!!!!!!!
Why does it have to be this way? I just want to have a good year during the holidays where I can be excited its the holiday's. My own birthday is coming up and its gonna suck. I'm used to that.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I wish we had more time. I'm ready to break down. So I'm searching for that inspiration, praying and asking God to assist here. I have no where to turn and I don't know what to do.....
Hell, I don't even have money to pay on my deductible to my doctor...however I have applied for Medicaid for pregnant women and for some reason its been held up. So I have no clue whats going on with that and I should have applied for it a long time ago but due to reasons and talks w/ my doctor was thinking I couldn't use Medicaid there. Figures, I talked to an idiot. I just hope it goes through soon. I got CCMS, but I"m still waiting for it to go through on when my mom will get paid for it. It probably won't happen until after the first of the year. I'm just so stressed.
Our rent is coming up......the light bill is due. I don't know what to do. I've already ruled out Christmas for the kids. If anything I will try to get something but its nothing major. It just sucks yet again! We went through this last year. Why are we dealing with this all over again??? I hate struggling and thats what it feels like we're doing ALL the time. I feel like its all on my shoulders yet again, but this time I'm pregnant. Ugggh!!!!!!!!!
Why does it have to be this way? I just want to have a good year during the holidays where I can be excited its the holiday's. My own birthday is coming up and its gonna suck. I'm used to that.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I wish we had more time. I'm ready to break down. So I'm searching for that inspiration, praying and asking God to assist here. I have no where to turn and I don't know what to do.....
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Not a good day...week...month, whatever.
I'm just having a really hard time right now. Dealing with so much stress and stuff in my life. Here its supposed to be a happy time of year, my son will be here soon. The holidays are coming up. Its supposed to be good but I'm falling into a deeper slump.
David and I argue all the time, I'm not sure if its due to hormones...if its me more or him more. Or both. Its just difficult right now. I have no one to vent to about it either. Like the moment I needed to pick up the phone and call a friend, I couldn't think of one person. But then I'm not sure if its depression...and then the stress on top of it.
I think I'm ready to break at this point.
David and I argue all the time, I'm not sure if its due to hormones...if its me more or him more. Or both. Its just difficult right now. I have no one to vent to about it either. Like the moment I needed to pick up the phone and call a friend, I couldn't think of one person. But then I'm not sure if its depression...and then the stress on top of it.
I think I'm ready to break at this point.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I got a nugget growing in my tummy!
Lol........Well the babyshower is coming up. Can't wait, its just gonna be nice to see all my fam/friends together. So if you don't know about it, you'll be getting an invitation soon. Oh yeah and if you'd like to assist with the FUND MY BABY project aka Gift for Brayden (hehe)....you can find my registry on Walmart and Babies R Us. We have nothing at this point, I admit it. Update on Brayden.......he's growing a lot and doing major movement. David has been watching my stomach the past two nights and can actually see him move around in there. No clue what he's doing but its weird. I think the actual flipping is the weirdest movement compared to a kick.
So last week I ended up getting diagnosed w/ a UTI. Although I'm thinking its really a kidney infection. I think now for sure I know I'm having a boy. I mean my entire pregnancy with Aries, I had a UTI. Never knew it, only because my doctors told me. But around 7 months pg with him, I had a sharp back/side pain on my left side and had to go to the hospital. So same thing this time...they gave me the same medicine I was given every time w/ Aries however. I told my doctor its not going to work. I just don't want to end up how I did after delivering Aries. Sick as hell and stuck in the hospital for 4 days instead of 2...and then coming back again because no one wants to listen to me. I mean, everyone and even reading the symptoms of a UTI...says it burns when you pee. I don't have that. I just had that side pain...and still have blood in my urine. So I took this stupid medicine.......like the doctor said, but I will be bringing it up at my next appointment next week. Someone has to listen!
Outside of that, I got Aries signed up for basketball. He will be playing in the Jr. NBA! The season doesn't start until January but I'm sure we'll have practices sometime in December. He's also a part of the chorus for the Christmas program....so he'll be doing some shows at school come December. Things are going to get real busy for us these next few months.
As for now, I'm just going to be busy cleaning my house......JOY! But this is deep cleaning. Lots of stuff to do. Sorry, no major dramas....unless I forgot. :)
So last week I ended up getting diagnosed w/ a UTI. Although I'm thinking its really a kidney infection. I think now for sure I know I'm having a boy. I mean my entire pregnancy with Aries, I had a UTI. Never knew it, only because my doctors told me. But around 7 months pg with him, I had a sharp back/side pain on my left side and had to go to the hospital. So same thing this time...they gave me the same medicine I was given every time w/ Aries however. I told my doctor its not going to work. I just don't want to end up how I did after delivering Aries. Sick as hell and stuck in the hospital for 4 days instead of 2...and then coming back again because no one wants to listen to me. I mean, everyone and even reading the symptoms of a UTI...says it burns when you pee. I don't have that. I just had that side pain...and still have blood in my urine. So I took this stupid medicine.......like the doctor said, but I will be bringing it up at my next appointment next week. Someone has to listen!
Outside of that, I got Aries signed up for basketball. He will be playing in the Jr. NBA! The season doesn't start until January but I'm sure we'll have practices sometime in December. He's also a part of the chorus for the Christmas program....so he'll be doing some shows at school come December. Things are going to get real busy for us these next few months.
As for now, I'm just going to be busy cleaning my house......JOY! But this is deep cleaning. Lots of stuff to do. Sorry, no major dramas....unless I forgot. :)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Just too damn FuNnY!
Okay, so I ain't really said nothing about this...but I guess its about that time for me to air it. Even if these other girls/young ladies read it. It might be hard to believe but I read everything in David's inboxes here on MySpace. Why? Well hell I admit I got major trust issues and even I can admit David was a major "man whore" prior to us being together (I know EVERYTHING he's done to you, you and yes....even YOU!). However, he hasn't done nothing since we've been together to actually make me think he's cheating. But because he loves me, I get access to these things...so when I'm having an insecure moment, yeah I read it. LOL.
But here's the kicker..........why do some feel the need to use my name like you know me? David isn't afraid of what you will write in comments because I see it all most of the time. But to use my name, like we're all cool or in a way to kind of suggest David might hide it from me. Come on now? Next, I don't understand these girls asking him the ultimate question that it seems all girls ask after a relationship is over...and its been over. That question: "What did I do wrong? Why did you end it?". Look the answer to this......you didn't do anything wrong, hell your probably an awesome chic...who has a lot to offer but he wasn't ready to settle down. I'm sure there were signs prior to the cut off of communication that he was through with you and what ya'll had going on. And please believe.........if he was only calling you in the evenings to basically visit you around 11-3am...then leave after ya'll are done, well it was...what it was. Bootycall. And you weren't the only one....
And the final thing.........telling him you'll always love him or he'll always have a special place in your heart. PLEASE let it go!
Damn...where is the respect or value for others relationships? I admit, there are a few of his "girl" friends that are actually genuinely happy for him/us as a whole...and I even talk to them. Shhh...some of you even call my cell phone because he's used my line. Don't hang up on me, I ain't gonna flip out and cuss ya ass out. If I felt you were a threat, I wouldn't even answer the damn line.........because YES, I know ya'lls phone numbers...their saved in my phone too. Lol. Hell I even tried to let one of you know his cell phone number so you could call him directly.
And I know some of ya'll read my page........so this is for ya'll. Just figured I'd give ya'll the FYI basically because the sly comments...and somewhat utter disrespect for what we have going on is straight up foul! And certain people are doing that. If it ain't you...then great but there are certain trifling heffa's that fall in that category, they know who they are.
Thats my 2cents.
But here's the kicker..........why do some feel the need to use my name like you know me? David isn't afraid of what you will write in comments because I see it all most of the time. But to use my name, like we're all cool or in a way to kind of suggest David might hide it from me. Come on now? Next, I don't understand these girls asking him the ultimate question that it seems all girls ask after a relationship is over...and its been over. That question: "What did I do wrong? Why did you end it?". Look the answer to this......you didn't do anything wrong, hell your probably an awesome chic...who has a lot to offer but he wasn't ready to settle down. I'm sure there were signs prior to the cut off of communication that he was through with you and what ya'll had going on. And please believe.........if he was only calling you in the evenings to basically visit you around 11-3am...then leave after ya'll are done, well it was...what it was. Bootycall. And you weren't the only one....
And the final thing.........telling him you'll always love him or he'll always have a special place in your heart. PLEASE let it go!
Damn...where is the respect or value for others relationships? I admit, there are a few of his "girl" friends that are actually genuinely happy for him/us as a whole...and I even talk to them. Shhh...some of you even call my cell phone because he's used my line. Don't hang up on me, I ain't gonna flip out and cuss ya ass out. If I felt you were a threat, I wouldn't even answer the damn line.........because YES, I know ya'lls phone numbers...their saved in my phone too. Lol. Hell I even tried to let one of you know his cell phone number so you could call him directly.
And I know some of ya'll read my page........so this is for ya'll. Just figured I'd give ya'll the FYI basically because the sly comments...and somewhat utter disrespect for what we have going on is straight up foul! And certain people are doing that. If it ain't you...then great but there are certain trifling heffa's that fall in that category, they know who they are.
Thats my 2cents.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Toxic Relationships
This is to anyone who's dealing with drama & bullshit from someone who isn't worthy of what you have to offer.
Toxic Relationships
'When a blind man leads a blind man, they both end up in the ditch'(Matthew ) (15:14TM)
Your development, and in some cases your healing, can only take place when you walk with the right people!
Remember the story of the scorpion that asked a frog to carry himacross the river because he could not swim? How do I know you will not sting me? the frog asked. If I do, we'll both drown, he replied. So the scorpion hopped on. Half way across the river the scorpion stung him. As they were drowning the frog said, 'You promised you wouldn't. Why did you sting me? The scorpion replied, I cannot help it, it's my nature to sting.
Learn to recognize toxic relationships and walk away from them before they take you down with them. A toxic relationship is like a body part with gangrene; if you do not amputate, the infection will spread. Unless you have the courage to cut off what will not heal, you will end up losing much more.
You cannot partner successfully with someone who does not share your goals. When you feel passionately about something but they do not, it is like trying to dance the fox trot with someone who only wants to waltz. You picked the wrong dance partner. Do not get tied up with someone who does not share your God-given purpose.
Some issues can be corrected through teaching and leadership, but you cannot teach somebody to care. And if they do not care, they will infect your environment, ruin your productivity and break your rhythm with constant complaints.
So ask God, 'Who belongs in my life?'
Toxic Relationships
'When a blind man leads a blind man, they both end up in the ditch'(Matthew ) (15:14TM)
Your development, and in some cases your healing, can only take place when you walk with the right people!
Remember the story of the scorpion that asked a frog to carry himacross the river because he could not swim? How do I know you will not sting me? the frog asked. If I do, we'll both drown, he replied. So the scorpion hopped on. Half way across the river the scorpion stung him. As they were drowning the frog said, 'You promised you wouldn't. Why did you sting me? The scorpion replied, I cannot help it, it's my nature to sting.
Learn to recognize toxic relationships and walk away from them before they take you down with them. A toxic relationship is like a body part with gangrene; if you do not amputate, the infection will spread. Unless you have the courage to cut off what will not heal, you will end up losing much more.
You cannot partner successfully with someone who does not share your goals. When you feel passionately about something but they do not, it is like trying to dance the fox trot with someone who only wants to waltz. You picked the wrong dance partner. Do not get tied up with someone who does not share your God-given purpose.
Some issues can be corrected through teaching and leadership, but you cannot teach somebody to care. And if they do not care, they will infect your environment, ruin your productivity and break your rhythm with constant complaints.
So ask God, 'Who belongs in my life?'
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Your So Vain...You Probably Think This Is About You...
Quite possibly it is..........and most likely it isn't.
FYI to the idiot thats stating I'm talking shit about you on myspace........TONY, I said something about your sorry ass how long ago? It wasn't nothing new that people don't know about your ass. And if others read this and send you the messages I write here, your ass is late as fuck as well! Pay attention when things are wrote. And the fact still remains the same...Tony's ass is lame! That ain't new or even worth writing about anymore. So thats it about him on my page!
Outside of that.....to my true friendships, I know because I'm pregnant right now I rarely see people...I really hope its not because you think since I'm pregnant I can't get out. At least ask me and let me decline on my own, shit. And why be afraid to tell me your doing some no-good shit? I could careless, I'm your damn friend regardless and you could give me more credit than that. Yes, I might not like the shit your doing. I might give you advice to sway you the other way (since thats what friends do! and are supposed to do!) but thats because I love your punk ass and some times you need some freakin' REAL TALK! Outside of that....I ain't your mama, I know this.....and it ain't for me to say well if you do this or that, I'm never talking/associating w/ your ass again. Nope, your grown ass women...I can't control that and I know how hard it is out there today when it comes to love, relationships, work and so on. Just know I am here...hell even I can't go out and drink it up, I can be that ear that listens.....and I admit I am having to live vicarously through your bad ways. Hehe...Remember I love you! and you better love me cause you know the shit I've done in my past (hopefully won't happen in the future). I might get my ass whooped by David if I did do the crap I did to Tony...haha...or the others.
As for my baby growing in my belly's........lol. I'm such a fat ass, I admit. Well I'm on week 23...thanks to all you bastards for not posting responses to my handsome lil' guy's ultrasound pics...ya'll suck! I know it looks weird...but hey, thats my baby, just know...once he's fatter, he'll be beautiful like me. Oh and for those who didn't know..his name is officially Brayden Matthew Blake. I gave my step-daddy's name as his middle name. My step-daddy has been there for me forever, he's a great man even though dealing w/ things like everyone else. I love you Matt!
Outside of that....I had to go do my 3-hour glucose test........blahhhh, that meant I had to have my blood drawn 4 different times, drink that orange drink...which is way worse than the orange drink they give for the 1-hour test you get at first. I felt like getting sick, so I didn't eat for like 14 hours....I'm starving, David and I run to Wendy's and well........I admit, I might have freakin' Gestational Diabetes and my fat ass is eating a Baconator but dammnnnn them buns are good! I know I know...I eat it for the freakin' bun. I admit, I take the bacon off. Yeah, it makes no sense...and? When have I ever made total sense. Haha. So I eat that, get home...take a nap, wake up feeling like total crap. So who knows if my stomach ache is due to that giant fatty burger or that freakin' sugary orange drink.
Owww...and my cable/internet is on for those who give a damn, I see no one noticed I've been gone. But I'm going to do my best to blog and be interactive...I admit, I'm practically married and seem to have settled down a lot on things. I'ma work on it..........til then, LOVE YOU ALL!
Oh yeah, those affected by Hurricane Ike....ya'll are in my prayers, especially all my peoples in Houston.
FYI to the idiot thats stating I'm talking shit about you on myspace........TONY, I said something about your sorry ass how long ago? It wasn't nothing new that people don't know about your ass. And if others read this and send you the messages I write here, your ass is late as fuck as well! Pay attention when things are wrote. And the fact still remains the same...Tony's ass is lame! That ain't new or even worth writing about anymore. So thats it about him on my page!
Outside of that.....to my true friendships, I know because I'm pregnant right now I rarely see people...I really hope its not because you think since I'm pregnant I can't get out. At least ask me and let me decline on my own, shit. And why be afraid to tell me your doing some no-good shit? I could careless, I'm your damn friend regardless and you could give me more credit than that. Yes, I might not like the shit your doing. I might give you advice to sway you the other way (since thats what friends do! and are supposed to do!) but thats because I love your punk ass and some times you need some freakin' REAL TALK! Outside of that....I ain't your mama, I know this.....and it ain't for me to say well if you do this or that, I'm never talking/associating w/ your ass again. Nope, your grown ass women...I can't control that and I know how hard it is out there today when it comes to love, relationships, work and so on. Just know I am here...hell even I can't go out and drink it up, I can be that ear that listens.....and I admit I am having to live vicarously through your bad ways. Hehe...Remember I love you! and you better love me cause you know the shit I've done in my past (hopefully won't happen in the future). I might get my ass whooped by David if I did do the crap I did to Tony...haha...or the others.
As for my baby growing in my belly's........lol. I'm such a fat ass, I admit. Well I'm on week 23...thanks to all you bastards for not posting responses to my handsome lil' guy's ultrasound pics...ya'll suck! I know it looks weird...but hey, thats my baby, just know...once he's fatter, he'll be beautiful like me. Oh and for those who didn't know..his name is officially Brayden Matthew Blake. I gave my step-daddy's name as his middle name. My step-daddy has been there for me forever, he's a great man even though dealing w/ things like everyone else. I love you Matt!
Outside of that....I had to go do my 3-hour glucose test........blahhhh, that meant I had to have my blood drawn 4 different times, drink that orange drink...which is way worse than the orange drink they give for the 1-hour test you get at first. I felt like getting sick, so I didn't eat for like 14 hours....I'm starving, David and I run to Wendy's and well........I admit, I might have freakin' Gestational Diabetes and my fat ass is eating a Baconator but dammnnnn them buns are good! I know I know...I eat it for the freakin' bun. I admit, I take the bacon off. Yeah, it makes no sense...and? When have I ever made total sense. Haha. So I eat that, get home...take a nap, wake up feeling like total crap. So who knows if my stomach ache is due to that giant fatty burger or that freakin' sugary orange drink.
Owww...and my cable/internet is on for those who give a damn, I see no one noticed I've been gone. But I'm going to do my best to blog and be interactive...I admit, I'm practically married and seem to have settled down a lot on things. I'ma work on it..........til then, LOVE YOU ALL!
Oh yeah, those affected by Hurricane Ike....ya'll are in my prayers, especially all my peoples in Houston.
For the ladies in search of that man (real talk here)
Had to add this as a reminder for my friends and well women struggling now to find that one special person in their life.......this comes from a great friend with that REAL honest stuff. Something for those single ladies to ponder! Its real deal and all in love.
Please beware of what's about to be read...
Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.
Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and Gods hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22). Note - who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In Gods perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve is his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Mothers have suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that may sound, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it:
"We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust Gods timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker.
Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship...then into marriage...they will lead....submission...is the key....but when your heart is lost in God...it becomes easier Ladies...alot easier...I know....talk about hard head make a soft ashhh..until then....be your 'His Woman of Favor'....do your thang...being that strong independent faithful woman to Him...b/c with or without a man...we have to be this...its just when we get one...its makes things alot smoother b/c your man's/husbands actions shoudn't dictate yours...only His...which will bring you to the next in order....
Please beware of what's about to be read...
Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.
Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and Gods hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22). Note - who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In Gods perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve is his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Mothers have suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that may sound, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it:
"We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust Gods timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker.
Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship...then into marriage...they will lead....submission...is the key....but when your heart is lost in God...it becomes easier Ladies...alot easier...I know....talk about hard head make a soft ashhh..until then....be your 'His Woman of Favor'....do your thang...being that strong independent faithful woman to Him...b/c with or without a man...we have to be this...its just when we get one...its makes things alot smoother b/c your man's/husbands actions shoudn't dictate yours...only His...which will bring you to the next in order....
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Me, Me, Me!
So I was thinking about it, maybe I should post about my pregnancy...something I've never done. I could careless if anyone reads this or not but its for my last baby and me.
I'm due January 13, 2009 for those who may not know. So far, as of today I am 14 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I found out on May 10th for sure that I was pregnant, early on lets say and this was somewhat a planned thing. I figured since I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), which usually keeps you from getting pregnant. So for it to happen on its own like this, really makes me believe it was something God had intended for us.
So far I've been dealing w/ some major 'morning sickness', mainly the nausea and severe indigestion which makes the nausea worse! I was taking TUMS for it but it just made me feel like throwing up worse. I did actually throw up, in the midst of taking some TUMS. I let those things go...so of course my indigestion is coming back. But I got some Zantac for it so I'm feeling better. And the other morning I had dry heaves, horrible! Especially if you have nothing in your stomach...uggh!
With constantly feeling like crap, I haven't done much in the house and I have to thank David for dealing with me and my hormones. He does a lot in the house for all of us since I've been slacking majorly. The good thing is I got to hear my baby's heartbeat during my last appointment on June 23rd. It was hard to tell, you'd think after having two I'd know but I couldn't tell. David could and obviously the nurse...she said it was 144 beats per minute or something. Not bad for 11 weeks along. I just keep getting paranoid because I go on this website called BabyCenter and read these stories of women having missed miscarriages...basically when the baby stops growing, yet their body keeps going along w/ the pregnancy. Scary thing.
I have a doctors appointment on Monday, so we'll see whats what...just the usual with a minor exam and hearing the heartbeat. I'm sure my doctor will get on my ass for not doing the glucose test I was supposed to do before my 12th week but I just couldn't get back up there. Oh well, it will get done. I think they only wanted me to do it this early because I'm overweight....and want to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes this early. Hmmff. We'll see, outside of that...
I didn't tell everyone that I got my engagement ring, its prettyyyy. Lol. And we've managed to be able to afford going out some. Took the kids to go see Hancock before 4th of July. They loved it, so did we. Then we took Aries bowling last weekend, which was fun...and left me realizing how out of shape my fat butt is. I was sore for a few days. But I'm sure I needed it. Lol. I did realize how much David sucks at bowling. Haha.
I can't wait...for school to get back, found out for sure don't need to worry about school supplies for Nati since she's going into pre-k but do have to get her some school clothes...I just can't wait. They need to be in school. LOL. Thats about it so far....me, just working and watching the days past by VERY quickly.
I'm due January 13, 2009 for those who may not know. So far, as of today I am 14 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I found out on May 10th for sure that I was pregnant, early on lets say and this was somewhat a planned thing. I figured since I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), which usually keeps you from getting pregnant. So for it to happen on its own like this, really makes me believe it was something God had intended for us.
So far I've been dealing w/ some major 'morning sickness', mainly the nausea and severe indigestion which makes the nausea worse! I was taking TUMS for it but it just made me feel like throwing up worse. I did actually throw up, in the midst of taking some TUMS. I let those things go...so of course my indigestion is coming back. But I got some Zantac for it so I'm feeling better. And the other morning I had dry heaves, horrible! Especially if you have nothing in your stomach...uggh!
With constantly feeling like crap, I haven't done much in the house and I have to thank David for dealing with me and my hormones. He does a lot in the house for all of us since I've been slacking majorly. The good thing is I got to hear my baby's heartbeat during my last appointment on June 23rd. It was hard to tell, you'd think after having two I'd know but I couldn't tell. David could and obviously the nurse...she said it was 144 beats per minute or something. Not bad for 11 weeks along. I just keep getting paranoid because I go on this website called BabyCenter and read these stories of women having missed miscarriages...basically when the baby stops growing, yet their body keeps going along w/ the pregnancy. Scary thing.
I have a doctors appointment on Monday, so we'll see whats what...just the usual with a minor exam and hearing the heartbeat. I'm sure my doctor will get on my ass for not doing the glucose test I was supposed to do before my 12th week but I just couldn't get back up there. Oh well, it will get done. I think they only wanted me to do it this early because I'm overweight....and want to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes this early. Hmmff. We'll see, outside of that...
I didn't tell everyone that I got my engagement ring, its prettyyyy. Lol. And we've managed to be able to afford going out some. Took the kids to go see Hancock before 4th of July. They loved it, so did we. Then we took Aries bowling last weekend, which was fun...and left me realizing how out of shape my fat butt is. I was sore for a few days. But I'm sure I needed it. Lol. I did realize how much David sucks at bowling. Haha.
I can't wait...for school to get back, found out for sure don't need to worry about school supplies for Nati since she's going into pre-k but do have to get her some school clothes...I just can't wait. They need to be in school. LOL. Thats about it so far....me, just working and watching the days past by VERY quickly.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Missing: A Best Friend
So lots of thoughts have entered my mind about my friendships I hold. And some people don't understand how I can label my friendships with people in groups. But fact is, they are in groups and just because they don't openly admit, acknowledge they do it...fact is, its done. And to any of my friends who may read this, please don't get your feelings hurt as you read this...
First off, I know I'm not perfect and I know that I lack in the department of keeping in touch on a regular basis. I think I try my best though, even if its via email or IM. Sometimes I know I close myself off from other people or when invited somewhere I say "no" all the time. But I think its time for me to be open and honest about some of the feelings I have when it comes to friendships I have. And for those that know me well, you know I'm the type to keep it real rather than bottle it up. However, for some reason I've bottled these things up because I didn't want to hurt others feelings because I do care for people. I think the end result is I want a best friend and when I think about it, I really don't have that.
I have close friends, friends that I stay in contact with and update here and there. But I don't have a best friend. Someone that I talk to every day or even every other day. Someone I can call on when I'm a mad lunatic crying like a big ol' baby. Someone I can just go to their house w/ out calling and hang out for hours talking about stupid shit. Someone that knows me so well that I can just act stupidly goofy with. I'm close to people but not that close. And I realized recently the person I had as a best friend, I never gave that credit of being my best friend or acknowledged it. I miss her. She was there for a lot, there more so than any of my close friends. I officially apologize to you, if ever you read this. You were near and dear to me, I depended greatly on you and even may have pushed you somewhat far. I truly appreciate how you came into my life and how you were there through a lot of my good and bad times...more so than others. I miss you with all my heart, we were best friends. You walked that walk with me through my last pregnancy. You did a lot with me, all the times going to the movies, even w/ Nati in tow...scary movies of all things. LOL. I still get creept out by the zombie stuff. And the way we fell a part, I couldn't understand it. I felt so betrayed by the one person I never seen it coming from. And yes, I may have reacted badly...and even done the one thing I said I'd never do to you.....leave you alone since you had no one else here. I'm truly sorry for breaking that promise. I hope all is well with you...I just wish we could still talk to some degree.
I do wish nothing but the best for you, I wanted nothing but you to be happy. I hope you found that now.
First off, I know I'm not perfect and I know that I lack in the department of keeping in touch on a regular basis. I think I try my best though, even if its via email or IM. Sometimes I know I close myself off from other people or when invited somewhere I say "no" all the time. But I think its time for me to be open and honest about some of the feelings I have when it comes to friendships I have. And for those that know me well, you know I'm the type to keep it real rather than bottle it up. However, for some reason I've bottled these things up because I didn't want to hurt others feelings because I do care for people. I think the end result is I want a best friend and when I think about it, I really don't have that.
I have close friends, friends that I stay in contact with and update here and there. But I don't have a best friend. Someone that I talk to every day or even every other day. Someone I can call on when I'm a mad lunatic crying like a big ol' baby. Someone I can just go to their house w/ out calling and hang out for hours talking about stupid shit. Someone that knows me so well that I can just act stupidly goofy with. I'm close to people but not that close. And I realized recently the person I had as a best friend, I never gave that credit of being my best friend or acknowledged it. I miss her. She was there for a lot, there more so than any of my close friends. I officially apologize to you, if ever you read this. You were near and dear to me, I depended greatly on you and even may have pushed you somewhat far. I truly appreciate how you came into my life and how you were there through a lot of my good and bad times...more so than others. I miss you with all my heart, we were best friends. You walked that walk with me through my last pregnancy. You did a lot with me, all the times going to the movies, even w/ Nati in tow...scary movies of all things. LOL. I still get creept out by the zombie stuff. And the way we fell a part, I couldn't understand it. I felt so betrayed by the one person I never seen it coming from. And yes, I may have reacted badly...and even done the one thing I said I'd never do to you.....leave you alone since you had no one else here. I'm truly sorry for breaking that promise. I hope all is well with you...I just wish we could still talk to some degree.
I do wish nothing but the best for you, I wanted nothing but you to be happy. I hope you found that now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Grown Ass Woman Tip of the Day!
This goes out to the lil' girls frontin' and tryin' to claim they GROWN!
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that, that was just one man.
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back and move on, without bitterness.
Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.
Outside of that...I wish I could add in the lil' girls out there w/ children of their own...who choose to compromise their child's relationship w/ their father out of selfishness and jealousy. Maybe one day you will grow up and see the light! Stop proclaiming to be grown when your still on those lil' girl tactics, ain't you realized it hasn't got you anywhere so far? It just shows how sad and pathetic you are.
********************************************************
Had to add this Angela.......this comes from a great friend with that REAL honest shhh...something for those single ladies to ponder! Its real deal.
Please beware of what's about to be read...
Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.
Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and Gods hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22). Note - who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In Gods perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve is his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Mothers have suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that may sound, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it:
"We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust Gods timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker.
Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship...then into marriage...they will lead....submission...is the key....but when your heart is lost in God...it becomes easier Ladies...alot easier...I know....talk about hard head make a soft ashhh..until then....be your 'His Woman of Favor'....do your thang...being that strong independent faithful woman to Him...b/c with or without a man...we have to be this...its just when we get one...its makes things alot smoother b/c your man's/husbands actions shoudn't dictate yours...only His...which will bring you to the next in order....
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that, that was just one man.
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back and move on, without bitterness.
Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.
Outside of that...I wish I could add in the lil' girls out there w/ children of their own...who choose to compromise their child's relationship w/ their father out of selfishness and jealousy. Maybe one day you will grow up and see the light! Stop proclaiming to be grown when your still on those lil' girl tactics, ain't you realized it hasn't got you anywhere so far? It just shows how sad and pathetic you are.
********************************************************
Had to add this Angela.......this comes from a great friend with that REAL honest shhh...something for those single ladies to ponder! Its real deal.
Please beware of what's about to be read...
Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.
Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and Gods hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22). Note - who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In Gods perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve is his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Mothers have suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that may sound, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it:
"We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust Gods timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker.
Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship...then into marriage...they will lead....submission...is the key....but when your heart is lost in God...it becomes easier Ladies...alot easier...I know....talk about hard head make a soft ashhh..until then....be your 'His Woman of Favor'....do your thang...being that strong independent faithful woman to Him...b/c with or without a man...we have to be this...its just when we get one...its makes things alot smoother b/c your man's/husbands actions shoudn't dictate yours...only His...which will bring you to the next in order....
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Evaluating
So since being back in Austin, it has me thinking about my life. Things that happened while being here in Austin, things that made me who I am today. Things to bother me still. I just think of the people that hurt me and for some strange reason, it still bothers me at moments. You’d think I’d be past it, you’d think I’d be totally happy and content with my life at this point. I don’t know though, its like since being back here......I’m questioning myself again. Like the choices I made and the shit I did because of what I was lacking inside. That self love. Then for some reason I think of how people don’t think of me or worry about me. Like I want that attention, is something wrong with me? I just think its crazy that I’d want that. I guess that drama........who knows.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Burstin’ Bubbles...
And I ain't tryin' to be like that but I can't help it. This goes out to the young lady who's with my ex. I read your bulletin....saying how you've been dating him for 4 years now. Which means you were 14 when ya'll met. Strange thing, that means he was messing w/ you....after having his daughter with me? After being with me since 2000. I read that you think he's obsessed with you...do you really think that? I ain't trying to be mean, hell if anything I hope you read these words and learn from this........don't waste the time on him anymore. You deserve so much more and the fact that you got pregnant by him........and had a child with him so young....I feel bad. Do you know that only happened because I broke up with him after getting an abortion, this was my 3rd pregnancy with him......twins as a matter of fact....in June 2005. And I broke up with him because he's no good. I thought I could change him, I thought me and my family could help him...that he'd become a GROWN man. Nope.......never happened. Still ain't.
I let him go........hell it was for plenty of reason. He's full of shit, he's a liar and well.......he will never change. Dude has mental issues, seriously. He's got ADHD and I truly think he's a lil' on the slow side. I hate to say that about someone but real deal is...its that. He will never grow up. I've known him since he was 21 and he's in the same spot he was when I met him. Barely workin', no car, walkin' and takin' the bus with his damn backpack and headphones, frontin' like he's this hard ass nigga when he's just a punk, livin' off other people, don't even got his own place....living from couch to couch or floor to floor, wearing all his cousin's/brother's clothes...and so on.
Fact is.........since I've been back in Austin, he's been constantly calling and texting me. Telling me how he misses US....how he wish he didn't screw things up, how he wants his family back. EVERYDAY....its like this since we've been here. It sickens me! I tell him to stop, he knows I'm in a relationship.....I'm sure he runs his mouth to you about ya'll being a family, your the one. I hate to say it though...I'm sure if I told him today, lets be together...he would come be with me. Hell he was going to move to Houston last year with me if I let him.
And I ain't saying this because I want him.........I'm saying this because I hate to see you waste years on someone that is going no where. Someone that is negative and selfish. I was with him for almost 6 years.......hell he cheated on me many times.........in fact cheated on me with you. He's most likely currently cheating on you now, while hollarin' at me.......and cussin' my husband out for raising his daughter.
If anything........take these words and learn from it. I hope you don't make the mistakes I made with him.
Much luv...
I let him go........hell it was for plenty of reason. He's full of shit, he's a liar and well.......he will never change. Dude has mental issues, seriously. He's got ADHD and I truly think he's a lil' on the slow side. I hate to say that about someone but real deal is...its that. He will never grow up. I've known him since he was 21 and he's in the same spot he was when I met him. Barely workin', no car, walkin' and takin' the bus with his damn backpack and headphones, frontin' like he's this hard ass nigga when he's just a punk, livin' off other people, don't even got his own place....living from couch to couch or floor to floor, wearing all his cousin's/brother's clothes...and so on.
Fact is.........since I've been back in Austin, he's been constantly calling and texting me. Telling me how he misses US....how he wish he didn't screw things up, how he wants his family back. EVERYDAY....its like this since we've been here. It sickens me! I tell him to stop, he knows I'm in a relationship.....I'm sure he runs his mouth to you about ya'll being a family, your the one. I hate to say it though...I'm sure if I told him today, lets be together...he would come be with me. Hell he was going to move to Houston last year with me if I let him.
And I ain't saying this because I want him.........I'm saying this because I hate to see you waste years on someone that is going no where. Someone that is negative and selfish. I was with him for almost 6 years.......hell he cheated on me many times.........in fact cheated on me with you. He's most likely currently cheating on you now, while hollarin' at me.......and cussin' my husband out for raising his daughter.
If anything........take these words and learn from it. I hope you don't make the mistakes I made with him.
Much luv...
Fakeness
What can I say........I feel it around me at times. Whats it about? Certain people that were in my life at one time or another...or currently. Relationships that I once cherished, friendships that I once thought were closer or tighter bonds but found out were not even close. I realize we all have our own lives to lead, hell I'm living my own. But some things just bother me about the relationships and friendships I hold/held with certain people.........and I say FAKENESS is the word for it. On my end, no.......I realize I have my moments where I overreact and I'll apologize but sometimes I don't get the actions of people. You claim to be my friend, that we're close...and how you'd do this or that as a friend. But how many times must a person look to you and have you fall through? It hurts me.......maybe I have high expectations for a friendship, I know folks ain't perfect. But I can't stand being lied to.......and behind dumbass shit. Hell who am I to judge others of things, I've done my share of wrong doings and I ain't perfect still. I just don't understand it. I guess that hurts me more, it makes me not trust a person. And yet, here I am.......I feel the need like any other situation where I've been hurt by a person that I had a close relationship with........to still try to work it out, be like we were. And I feel it, its done with. I can see the signs and its NOT due to me. Its these people. It hurts because I'm trying to be the bigger person and they cut me out. I'm just not that type of person to cut someone out my life even after they do me wrong or treat me badly. Sometimes I think I'm too forgiving.....
And thats the thing.........that fakeness in a person makes me sick! I can't stand bitches like that.....fake as hell. So why do I want to still have a relationship with these people? I wish I knew.......maybe this is my revelation to finally let people like that go and out of my life for good!
And thats the thing.........that fakeness in a person makes me sick! I can't stand bitches like that.....fake as hell. So why do I want to still have a relationship with these people? I wish I knew.......maybe this is my revelation to finally let people like that go and out of my life for good!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
A year is approaching!
Soooo, its been almost a year since I've been here in Houston. Not that I haven't enjoyed my time here because I've learned A LOT! But I guess its time to make it official. I have plans of moving back to my home of Austin. Its been in talks and well its official. I need to be back where I have a support system from my family and friends. So sometime in the next couple of months I will be back in Austin by my own choice. Well our choice since David insisted on us making some moves. I guess he's ready to get out of Houston. LOL.
Next, I am gonna be a married woman in the next couple of weeks...........CRAZY! Yes, married! Haha. So this year is bringing on so many wonderful changes. I'm loving life, next thing ya know.......we'll have a baby on the way. LOL.
But outside of the fact of marriage, I can say a year is approaching to David and I's anniversary...........its crazy to say we've known each other for a year. It went by so fast. And surprisingly, we have done good the entire year. No drama..........faithful in loving one another. He's the love of my life and I'm so glad I made the move to Houston, otherwise we would never have met. I feel so blessed in my life at this time. I have had some bullshit relationships in the past, many nights crying and wondering what the hell is wrong w/ me....why couldn't I just find someone that threated me well, that was ready to chill and settle down. Someone to connect with on a whole other level, a level that no one else could ever understand unless they experienced it. And I got it......right when I was ready to throw in the towel on dudes, right when I was just ready to emotionally shut down when it came to love. And right at the time when I decided to stop looking for it.........haha.
Next, I am gonna be a married woman in the next couple of weeks...........CRAZY! Yes, married! Haha. So this year is bringing on so many wonderful changes. I'm loving life, next thing ya know.......we'll have a baby on the way. LOL.
But outside of the fact of marriage, I can say a year is approaching to David and I's anniversary...........its crazy to say we've known each other for a year. It went by so fast. And surprisingly, we have done good the entire year. No drama..........faithful in loving one another. He's the love of my life and I'm so glad I made the move to Houston, otherwise we would never have met. I feel so blessed in my life at this time. I have had some bullshit relationships in the past, many nights crying and wondering what the hell is wrong w/ me....why couldn't I just find someone that threated me well, that was ready to chill and settle down. Someone to connect with on a whole other level, a level that no one else could ever understand unless they experienced it. And I got it......right when I was ready to throw in the towel on dudes, right when I was just ready to emotionally shut down when it came to love. And right at the time when I decided to stop looking for it.........haha.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Nothing to complain about. Lol.
I realized, I haven't blogged much. David told me that usually those who blog have some thing to complain about. Is that true? I don't know, I wonder because when I think about it...I usually blog under some emotional shit happening. Which is crazy because I never looked at it like that. So am I complaining now? Not really, just some updates which ain't much since the last time I blogged.
My kids are good, me and my sweety are good......we're getting married VERY SOON! Woo hoo! Everyone keeps asking on both ends when its gonna happen...lol. Soon, believe that! Got the rings waiting on us, just gotta get some money together. Nothing too fancy, but something special between us. Outside of that, I just think about how I've been here in Houston for almost a year. Crazy! I never thought I'd make it, believe I was ready to go back to Austin. But I guess I was strong enough to handle it. Considering I have no family up here. LOL. Now I'm not sure if I want to go back to Austin. Maybe if I got my old job back because I loved it there.
So on to another year in Houston, got some plans laid out...goals to be met because I want to make even more money than I did this past year. Things are lining up. Never know........I might be having a baby this year. LOL. I'd like that, of course after the married part. Its an exciting part of my life right.
My kids are good, me and my sweety are good......we're getting married VERY SOON! Woo hoo! Everyone keeps asking on both ends when its gonna happen...lol. Soon, believe that! Got the rings waiting on us, just gotta get some money together. Nothing too fancy, but something special between us. Outside of that, I just think about how I've been here in Houston for almost a year. Crazy! I never thought I'd make it, believe I was ready to go back to Austin. But I guess I was strong enough to handle it. Considering I have no family up here. LOL. Now I'm not sure if I want to go back to Austin. Maybe if I got my old job back because I loved it there.
So on to another year in Houston, got some plans laid out...goals to be met because I want to make even more money than I did this past year. Things are lining up. Never know........I might be having a baby this year. LOL. I'd like that, of course after the married part. Its an exciting part of my life right.
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