Inner Struggles

I've made goals to accomplish for my weight, but there are other things I want to accomplish and make changes with as well.  I've always said that I'm a work in progress.  The problem has been, I have not been actively participating in making changes to be "in progress".  I'm tired of it.  I'm now 31 years old and I feel like I'm in the same spot I was in 5 years ago.  Still struggling when it comes to weight, to my relationships, my love/self worth for myself, finances, spiritually, etc.  I want to be a better person overrall.  And I sit and compare myself to others (for some reason) when instead I need to look deep down within me and make the changes to be in a better position for myself.  To be happy in general.

Basically....... I am my own worse enemy.  I have been standing in my own way for so long out of FEAR.  Fear of what?  Fear of failure I suppose.  I have to stop this mentality... I know we all have fear, thats fine.  But I need to embrace those fears and overcome them, no matter if its a positive or negative outcome.  Because eventually this is what leads to success in any goal.

So outside of the weight loss goals...  I realized there are some goals I need to set up for myself this year for inner peace.

I will think this over this coming week... and post on my "Goal Page".

Starting Brand New, Weigh-In for 01.08.12

After lots of thinking and consideration in the past week, I've decided to press re-start on this game of weight loss.  Starting anew I think will help me get back in the game and not focus so much on the previous failure.  I really want to focus and commit to this thing... I've even set up some goals and will make a Goal page (kind of like my weight loss page).  I've taken my measurements for today as well and weighed myself.  I also plan to take photos of each weigh-in no matter what the result.  I have to stay accountable.  So now onto weigh-in for today.

Weigh-In:  211.6

Yep, I'm up.  I have to admit this past week was hard on me... I've been eating lunch in our work-cafeteria.  I have no idea what they use, but I'm pretty sure its a lot of pre-packaged, high processed food.  Definitely high in sodium and definitely NOT good for anyone trying to keep their weight down or really lose weight in general.  I still have a week of lunches on my card that I bought, but I can always get a salad since they have a salad bar to use and bring some grilled chicken and hard boiled eggs to help with the protein.  I did manage to get in quite a bit of water, so I'm proud of that and knowing that I drank 18 cups (144 oz) of water in a day for 2 days in a row, lets me know I can do it every day.  I've also been drinking a protein shake each morning for breakfast and will continue to do that.

So I restarted my ticker for weight loss on MyFitnessPal to ZERO.  I even re-opened my diary because it helps me accountable.  No more hiding the stuff I do (I did that for about 3 weeks).  Log every single thing I put in my mouth (minus vitamins).  Starting weight being that number above.  Here are my measurements as of today as well:


Neck - 14 1/4 inches

Arms - 15 1/2 (right) | 15 1/4 (left)
Chest - 39 1/4 inches
Waist - 38 inches
Hips - 50 1/2 inches
Thighs - 27 1/2 inches
Calves - 16 1/2 inches

This Coming Week's Goals ----- Stay under calorie goal every day.  Get in at last 72 ounces of water, but aim for up to 144 ounces.  Do 3 days of exercise at 30 minutes each (walking is what I will start with this week). And come next weigh in day, lose at least 1.5 pounds.


Ultimate Goal come a month from now, which is 2/12/2012 - Lose 7.5 pounds, that means be at 204.4 as of this date.  I feel this is attainable.  I would also like to see some inches lost at this point as well.

I will do this!

Blah Blah Blahhhhh...

So after some days of feeling down... I think I've realized that the reason I'm feeling this stressed feeling is because I want to change so many things about me, the things I do day to day... not just healthwise, but my relationships.  Add in the aftermath of Christmas... and dealing with birthdays, lots of money going out of the bank and not enough coming in to cover all of it.  Yes!  I was freaking.  And yes, I was handling all of my stress with food. 

I do have to say... this is my first real attempt of being an active participant in losing weight.  And during this time I've been dealing with all the guilty feelings I have toward food now.  Prior to this.... straight denial.  I hate feeling like this regarding food, probably why I was in denial and why my clothes got smaller. 

I've also sort of realized I have no real goals, nothing truly keeping me accountable besides the scale and well I have to get things together.  Especially if I want to really fulfill the word of COMMIT I chose for this year.

A good thing that started at the New Year was that my company is now doing this Vitality Program.  Basically... it motivates you to be healthy... and live healthy with points that you can cash in on.  Right now, I really REALLY want this POLAR Heart Rate Monitor.  This thing costs over $100.00.  Thats a lot for me, but I know I need accurate numbers to stay accountable when it comes to calories burned, etc.  This is the thing I've been aching for and almost got... but put it back while at Academy the other night.  Then I sign up for this program through my job... and if I get to Platinum status with my points (which is 10,000) I can use those to get it!  Great idea to me... and if anything, true motivation.  So far with doing some online courses and educating myself on things more... I've earned 1325 points.  I think this is possible.  And you get points for exercise, or checking out/joining a gym, etc.  Even submitting preventative services to them.  And they have even more goodies on there to get. 

I think it boils down to me needing goals, small ones... and rewards.  So far... I have 90 days with the Vitality program to lose 13 pounds.  Definitely acheivable.  I'm going to think long and hard this weekend on these goals/rewards.... for the big long term goal.

Now back to my blah state of mind........ :) 

The truth is...

I'm not sure where my head is right now.  I guess I can say I'm totally off track on the whole weight loss thing.  And I'm having a hard time getting back on it.  Where's the drive, where's the motivation?  I really want to do this thing and get healthy... but I'm almost content with things.  Why?  I'm not sure.

Its like I don't want to deal with this right now.  Example >>> lack of not blogging as much.

The only good thing happening at this point is I'm still tracking my food.  I haven't gave that up.  Its the water intake (that I'm lacking more lately) and the total lack of exercise.  I know if I exercise, it will help this process even more.  I know what I'm suppose to be doing...... I know this, but why can't I just do it!

Ugggh... I hate this feeling.

Truth is... I'm stressed.  I can feel it finally catching up to me.  You would think it would cause the opposite but I'm noticing I am more snacky lately because of it.  I'm stuffing my stomach... knowing damn well, I'm not even hungry.  I'm arguing in my head....... and then I hit "f%*k it" mode.  Then I feel the guilt of it later.

This sucks.

Happy New Year, Weigh In, etc, etc...

First off I wanna...

Please don't be offended by the middle finger for the 1. LOL.

Now that thats out of the way.  We had a good New Year's Eve... spent it at home with the kiddos.  Fixed the kids some Pigs in a Blanket, chips and dip and the hubby hooked us up with some Garlic and Honey BBQ Wings.  Delicious!  The kids drank some sparking Red Grape juice and the hubby had his Big Peach soda with his Peach Ciroc.  No drinks for me, not much of a drinker.  I actually bought me these Strawberry Daquiri drinks from Walmart but didn't drink it.  And a couple of photos for your viewing pleasure....

My niece... ready for 2012.

Boogy was partying too.

Snuk and Naty... ringing it in.

As for weigh-in today... I weighed in at 209.4.  Which means I'm up by 1 pound.  Its all good because holidays are gone and its time to really focus and get thangs in gear (FOR REAL!) Oh how the scale is the devil, do you know when I first stepped on it this morning... it said 198.4.  Seriously.  I knew it was wrong.  Re-stepped and it was saying 198.8.  I knew that was impossible because to be honest, although I didn't eat horribly this past week... I knew I haven't been exercising or really focusing on what I've been eating.  However, I have got in some walking time since the new dog has come to live with us.  I actually enjoyed it.

After much thought and consideration, I do have a food scale... so I will be focusing more on weighing out my food portions.  I do think it will be in my best interest to successfully lose more weight to start preparing my lunches/dinners for the entire week... on Sunday's.  So I'm going to work on that tomorrow (since I'm off from work).  I also realize for me to get exercise time in... I will have to do it once I get home from work or else I won't do it.  Totally cut out the snacking as well.

In other great news... the Saints will be playing the Lions next Saturday in the first round of Play Off's.  I was so hoping for them to get 2nd seed but the 49er's pulled through.  Oh wells.  I'm so ready for another Super Bowl with them in it!  And the whole team has been doing so great this year.  Yes, I openly admit... I am a football fan!

Also we got the dog a new crate... its pretty nice and very spacious.  Found it on Craigslist for $70.00 and it typically goes brand new for $300.00.  I ended up having to leave Boogy for about 2-3 hours on Saturday... when we initially left, he was whining and started doing his deep bark.  But then I came back in and gave him a snack to focus on when we left.  I'm not sure if afterward he was barking or anything (hope not, due to our neighbors below).  But when we returned (because all I could think of while gone was that he was howling the entire time we were gone) he was actually quiet and asleep.  I hope this works while we're all at work/school this coming week.  Haha.  Oh and another good thing is him and Romeo (our big boy cat) are getting better around each other.... check out the pics today.

Romeo checkin Boogy out...

He was trying to share with Romeo.

He apparently thought this was a dog bed.  Lol.

Thats about it for me today......