A Weekend of Laziness

Is it possible to be behind on sleep?  I think so, after staying up late on vacation nights it has caught up to me.  I pretty much slept most of the day away.  Woke up long enough for my husband to feed me breakfast then back to the bed.  I hate days like this.  I tend to feel guilty later.

Then add in I got another huge zit on my chin, outside of the other pimples on my face.  Its like I'm a teenager all over again.  I'm not sure why I'm breaking out so bad.  Well actually I am drinking more water, so it could be flushing my system out of all the bad stuff.

I admit for the past few weeks I've been over doing it on eating ice cream, cookies, etc.  Anything sweet will do.  I don't know why either.  Its just so good.  I see pictures of cakes and want them.  LOL.

So besides laying around, my mind has been on a lot of things.  Especially going back to school.  I really feel this urge to start taking classes.  But then I'm scared of committing because I don't want to just quit like I have in the past.  I want to make sure I really do it this time and finish.  Plus I know that it costs me each time and I don't want to pay for something unless I actually complete it.  Just a lot of thinking when it comes to school.  Like if I should wait until David finishes.  Maybe I should.  But I want to do something now.  Uggh.  The back and forth thing sucks.

In the meantime, I really should work on the LTCp designation course I'm doing.  I really need to stop trying to take big ol' leeps and take small steps.  Goals should be broken up to meet the small ones which turn into accomplishing the big ones.  I know this.  Now to implement it.

Never finish?

So I know why I have stayed away from my blog, mainly because I didn't want to deal with all the horrible choices I've made related to weight loss.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not really.  I deal with the issues daily but keep pressing ignore.  I sit back and I'm so envious of seeing others who had surgery after me or others who lost on their own...be at goal.  I am a failure at this.  But then again, I also realized I tend to do that with a lot of things I start.  Jump in, have lots of great intentions and never finish.  Haha.  I get bored easily...I don't know why I can't finish things.  I have recently been able to admit to that fact.

Like the website stuff, I love it.  I taught myself how to build websites, how to use Adobe Photoshop and create graphics.  Had a fan site on Nelly, kept saying I'm going to bring it back...but my unhealthy stalkyness when it came to Nelly slowly went away too.  Then I let the webdesign and graphic design thing go as well.  Then the school thing, get started and just don't feel like finishing.  I also kind of let this tendency seep into the things I sign my kids up for.  WHY?  I'm such a procrastinator too.  Or last year, I wanted to get into jewelry making...I love the creativeness and I love jewelry.  Bought the beginning tools for it, where's it at?  In the closet.  Haha. 

Now back to the weight thing, I've never really committed to losing weight with any diet or exercise.  I just don't want to do it.  I wish it would just come off on its own.  I know it won't.  But I also decided I'm sick of my blog only surrounding my weight loss.  I am not defined by my weight loss.  I love me....fat as hell or as a skinny heffa.  So I don't want this blog to be only about my weight loss.  There is more to me than just that.  Now thats not saying I won't talk about whatever I'm dealing with weight loss but not every freakin' blog is gonna be about the damn scale.  Lets just say I've over it!

I joined SparkPeople and plan to begin using my apartment gym for machine stuff....and use the pool.  Free things!  Cause at this point I can't afford a gym membership or all the extras.  I am going to keep track of my calorie intake again and just get things in control with regard to cutting back a lot on portions.  Today was the beginning of it.

Reality is...anything related to my weight will never have a finish.  As I've said about myself emotionally, I am a work in progress.  And well, it is all a mental game at this point.  I am my own worst enemy.

Now off to watching the season premiere of Big Brother 13.  Ahhh...its official summer time is here!  Laters.

Burned out, Lost and Searching...

So I've disappeared for about 4 months.  Why?  Not sure, I guess I got caught up in working again.  To be honest, it was mainly working.  I lost in that 4 month time span all plans of what I wanted to do for myself.  Sucks to know I've lost that amount of time over working.  I am now coming to terms with the fact that I am somewhat of a workaholic.  Nothing against stay-at-home mom's but that is just not for me.  I would be die sitting at home.  I think that is how men feel when they are with out work for a period of time.  I would be lost, depressed and in the dumps if I didn't work.  Like each time I had one of the kids and was off for 6 weeks of maternity leave, I couldn't wait to go back to work.  Although work stresses me out a TON, its my drive to keep moving forward.

Of course with working a lot, I've managed to find myself in the burned out stage.  As well gain back weight I had lost.  Back up to 217 lbs.  I can feel it when I wear my clothes.  At first, I was thinking maybe I am getting depressed...mainly in the past month.  But the revelation came to me today after knowing I'm going through this "blah" feeling.  I have not been doing any fun things I used to enjoy.  Which kind of is a sign of depression.  But I still feel the urge to get out.  So I knew it couldn't be depression.  I guess I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I want more.  Maybe the DIRTY 30 has hit me, the difference is I'm married and settled with children.  But I feel like there should be more accomplished at this point in my life.  I want to be further in my career within the insurance industry.  So I know that I need to go back to school but at this point, its a no go.  However, I have decided to get my designation in long term care for LTCp.  Whats that mean?  I'll be a professional in LTC insurance.  Which helps the resume and with increased wages.  That will be the start.

Outside of working, things within my family unit have changed.  Financially our family will be down some with the income.  My husband is going to school to finally learn his passion.  Whats that? Cutting hair.  I'm very proud and excited for him.  This is something he has wanted to pursue forever, but being the responsible grown up, he knew it was hard to do when he has a family to take care of.  So he's finally within reach of obtaining this goal.  The thing is, I see him pursuing his dreams and I feel like life for me is stagnant.  I want more.  I want to feel accomplished.  Not that I'm not.  Yes, I didn't finish college but I've managed to work my way up in the insurance field over all these years.  And I know the thing stopping me from becoming team lead and eventually supervisor is not having some sort of education attached to my name.  Even if I get at least my Associates Degree, its a work in progress.  I just know at this point, I have to do something...I feel bored with things in life lately.  Not that I'm not grateful for the things in my life but I just feel like I'm at a stand-still.

Also in this week of revelations and discovery of myself...I noticed a lot of things I once enjoyed...such as the internet, blogging, webdesign, graphics with Adobe Photoshop (forgot how to use, ahh!), music (I have been so out of the loop), etc.  I guess things that were me, I've stopped doing for whatever reason.  I want that back, thats what made me happy and well ME!  So in the meantime, I'm going to work on doing these things again.

Major Off Week!

So no weigh in picture to post because the battery on my scale is dead.  Gotta get a new one and haven't done it yet.  I admit through out the week I tend to get on the scale daily.  I guess to keep me aware of what I'm weighing.  So that will come this week.

Update on the Weight Watchers thing, we didn't have enough signed up at work so no beginning of that.  I got my money back and will move forward with the online sign up.  I also found out for me to get reimbursed for my YMCA membership at work, I have to bring in my attendance and have gone at least 12 times in the past month.  So if that ain't motivator to get my behind in the gym, not sure what else is.  The membership for the whole family is $56 a month.  We get a discount through my husband's job and after the reimbursement, we're out of pocket $26 a month.  Not bad.

This week has been a real off week.  First, I had court for a traffic ticket from literally a year ago.  I was fighting my speeding ticket.  However, they had video from the officer's car.  Which showed I was going at what he said.  I really don't remember driving that fast.  I had no choice but to admit guilt.  LOL.  Luckily the judge was nice enough to give me defensive driving so it don't stick on my record.  Still have to pay the fine and court fee's.  Then pay for the defensive driving and my driving record.  Joy!  Well at least I have until the end of April to do this.  I took a half day off at work on this.

Then Tuesday, I took time off as well because I had my HSG test to verify if my tubes are blocked.  I wanted to make sure if I felt yucky, I'd be covered to stay home.  So I stayed home but the test wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was nice to rest at home.  And the kids enjoyed seeing me for a second day at home when they got there from school.  The final results on the test, confirmed blockage!  I am no longer able to have any more kiddos.  I had a bad day that evening too.  OMG, I was so emotional.  Then add in that we find out that my old computer's motherboard went out and I was really feeling like the computer repair shop was doing us over.  So the husband and I got into a major argument over this.

Went to work on Wednesday...only 15 minutes of being there, we're sent home.  Why? The entire state of Texas is doing rolling blackouts because they want to conserve energy to avoid a real black out.  Of course my job is effected and they close the office and send us home.  I was so bored at home.  But I did manage to get things done with laundry.  So we were able to go back to work on Thursday.  Which kind of sucked because I realized how far behind I was even more with my workload.  I tried to get things done out of my work queue but it seemed like I was only working out of my emails.  Just not good.  That evening me and hubby were still a little tense behind the computer argument.  So he called the computer repair shop and I talked to the computer tech.  I also went online to look at the brand of computer we had and seen that this particular model has a history of overheating and killing the motherboard.  So with that, the argument ended between hubby and I.  And I felt better about my computer situation.  We purchased a refurbed one from this computer shop.  I still don't like it but I know paying for a rent-to-own one is ridiculous.  We'll just have to save up for a new computer and make the buy later.  This is just our get by computer for now.

And to end the week...Friday morning we wake up on Austin with snow.  Of course not much, like a light dusting.  But all the schools are closed for the day.  My job even called stating it was an inclement weather day.  I loved how the news stations kept saying it was treacherous conditions on the road.  They said there was ice packed beneath the snow.  Who knows.  I stayed home just to be on the safe side.  However, I had co-workers (who stayed home) asking if I was going to go in...since I live right up the road.  Ummm...no.  Then I felt guilty for not going into work yesterday because the weather was better and the system was up.  Sorry, weekends are my time off.  Other than that, I got the kids and hubby outside to play and take pictures.

I also decided, I'm going to take my time off this week and spend it at home with my family and doing some major cleaning, re-arranging of rooms, laundry, etc.  Things that have been neglected for a long time because I'm always at work.  I feel very accomplished in the home.  We went through a giant box that has been in my closet since we moved in...that had tons of paperwork.  I managed to part ways with things from 7-10 years ago.  I even filed things away and got all organized.  I feel so proud of myself.

So with all this, I know that I've been really off on the losing weight thing.  I'm pretty sure I gained.  I feel like I have.  I'm going to work on this, this week.  I have to get things in order to seriously lose.  Its like I'm fighting myself and really not taking it seriously at this point.  Ugh.

The latest...

Alright...so officially my family are members of the YMCA.  So that item is checked off on my list for getting into a gym.  The hubby signed us up on Sunday.  We haven't gone yet because I had my therapy appointment yesterday...or so I thought.  Went there to find out its next week.  I'm doing them every other week and forget we skipped an extra week.  I think its going to change to once a month.  I kind of feel like there's nothing else to say.  I know we're all work in progress but at this point in my life, it actually feels like things are going well and I'm doing okay.  No major stresses.  So back to the YMCA thing, we will probably go for the first time on Thursday or Friday.  Well maybe this weekend.  The weather is suppose to be really bad this week and I don't want to get out on ice or with crazy drivers, etc.  

No word on the Weight Watchers thing.  Last heard, we only had 11 people and HR extended it until this Wednesday for sign ups.  If no one else signs up for at least 15 people, looks like no Weight Watchers meetings at work.  Thats okay, because I'll just do it on my own either online or a meeting nearby.  I'm going to do something to keep myself accountable.  Also my husband wants to do this together, he has his own weight to lose.  Especially since his plan is to start classes in fall to get his Texas Peace Officer Certification to become a police officer.  So eventually he is going to have to lose the weight for the physical portion.  LOL.

As for other things, we had the party for the two oldest kids on Sunday.  Oh my goodness!  We're still exhausted from it.  We were there from 3pm until 8pm.  The kids didn't want to leave and I wanted to make good use out of the wrist bands we paid for.  We had fun and it went by so fast. 

Here's a pic of the kids before singing happy birthday.  A cookie cake for Aries and a Tinkerbell cake for Naty.  The crazy thing, everyone wanted to eat the cookie cake.  So we have a ton of cake at home.  Haha.  Thats okay, their working on it for desert after dinner every night until its gone.

In the meantime, I'm happy to add that I've managed to get most of my laundry done and keeping the house clean.  You have no idea how bad it has been over the past few months.  That has been a major issue for me.  When my house is tore up I feel like my life is in chaos.  I have also been cutting back on doing overtime at work.  I notice when I'm not here, things just do not get done.  Its a hard balance being a woman these days, maintaining home and working.  I definitely have to stay on top of my family to keep things in order and its working so far.  We'll see how it works once I have to start doing overtime again.  But I have missed being at home.  Spending quality time with my children.  One thing that my oldest asked me last Thursday was "why are no longer working late anymore".  Its crazy that he asks me that because he's become so accustomed to the routine.  I just told him I want to spend more time at home with them.  He was happy with that.

So as of this moment...just happy.  By the way, I'm still having good restriction with 6.5 cc's in my 10 cc band.  You think its gone but its still there.  I do have worries at times that I've stretched my band out.  It kind of sucks when you know there are no actual symptoms of doing this to know if you did it.  Only way to know is if I go do a Barium Swallow under the X-ray machine.  I'm waiting until June to do that and follow up with True Results.  I'm hoping by that point I can come in with a good loss.  Oh yeah, I'll also make sure to post up some updated progress pics since I haven't really done any since first starting the weight loss thing last year after surgery.